Melissa glared at me as I woke up, her face pale in the moonlight streaming in through the open window. “Painkillers?” I asked, groaning as I sat upright.
“I’ll get you some.” She replied before tugging my bedroom door open and reaching for the lightswitch.

I pressed my hand to my forehead as I tried to make sense of what was going on in my room. Anything that could be considered sharp had been removed and my art had been tidied away. Underneath the covers I was wearing just my underwear, my white skin even lighter in the moonlight.

“What happened?” I asked as Melissa walked back in, her face pale as she looked at the bandages tied around my hands.
“You don’t remember?” She asked. I shook my head slowly, cringing as black spots crept across my vision. “You said you wanted to die Gerard. You said you would kill yourself. You wouldn’t let go of the blades.”
“Why? Why would I do that? I’ve been getting better. Why would I do that Melissa?” I panicked.
“I don’t know Gerard, you won’t tell us anything, you won’t tell us how you got the scars, you won’t tell us why you wake up screaming. You won’t tell us anything. How the hell are we supposed to do anything to help you?”
“I’m sorry Lissa.” I whispered.
“It’s okay, but you have been asleep a hell of a long time, so what d'you say about coming down to the store with me and picking up some bits for dinner?” I hesitated before nodding, my eyes drifting shut as my head pounded.

Melissa left me alone for fifteen minutes so I could change, her face relaxing when I walked into the shared kitchen. “Ready?” She asked. I nodded in reply and grabbed a jacket from the hooks, checking all my things were in the pockets before swinging my arms into it.

---

“Look, Melissa, I didn’t mean to okay? I want to be strong for Mikey and I failed. I can’t tell him this.”“You’re gonna have to mate.” Melissa replied as she reached for some pasta sauce. “He’s gonna find out eventually, whether that be you telling him, or forgetting to hide proof or whatever, but he’s gonna find out that you’ve relapsed.”
“Lissa, please, I can’t break him like that, I just can’t tell my baby brother that I still want to give up, even after everything I promised him.” I stretched upwards, groaning as my back cracked loudly.
“Look, I’m not going to force you, it’s your choice.” She paused, reaching towards the bottom shelf for some pasta sauce. “You just need to remember that he looks up to you, you’re his big brother and his hero. Mikey’ll want to look after you and he’ll want to see you getting better. Not telling him this? It’ll give him false hope, he’ll be sat there thinking everything’s okay and it’s not. That’s not the way to show your brother that you love him. Trust me Gerard.” I hesitated as I listened to what she had to say, goosebumps rising on my arms as we reached the freezer aisle. “Right, I’m cooking pasta bolognese for dinner, afters is your forte, so what’re we gonna have?”
“I’ll make creme brulee or something, maybe bake some shortbread and put it with some ice cream?” I suggested.
“Dude, it’s your choice, you’re the one that makes the desserts, but I’d like to point out that you’re actually going to go to your classes tomorrow.” I groaned quietly as I reached into the freezer and grabbed some frozen pastry and a bag of mixed summer fruits.
“Summer fruits tart and custard, maybe ice cream if that’s what people want.” I explained as I brushed off her statement.

---

I stuck my hands into the hot water, wincing as the soap stung the cuts on my hands. I heard my friends cleaning the table, their pointless conversations putting me at ease as I washed the dishes, my heart thudding as hands settled on my hips. “You know, we never did get that movie night.” James whispered in my ear, his gentle touch making me shudder.
“Sorry about that.” I replied bluntly, not wanting to show how he was affecting me.
“You could always come to my room tonight, we could pick up right where we left off?” He suggested, one of his hands sliding around my waist, holding me against him.
“Look, James, I have an idea what you’re after, and right now? I don’t want to. I just want to go back to my room and finish my essay and go to bed.”
“But you promised.” James pouted.
“And promises can be broken when my health is at risk. Do you really think I want to be fucking when I can’t even keep a lid on my feelings? No. Thank. You.” I explained, gritting my teeth against the hurtful words I was thinking. I heard him sigh as he loosened his grip on my waist. I hesitated before speaking again. “Look, maybe another time. I just need some time to recover okay?” I felt his hands leave my waist as he left, Melissa coming to stand next to me.
“I’m thinking of coming to crash in your room tonight.” She said. “I need some help with an art assignment and it has to be in tomorrow.”
“Sure, which one?” I asked, glad that Melissa understood how I felt.
“You know the one on that abstract artist. Ugh, I forget his name.”
“Kandinsky.” I stated, smiling slightly as she chuckled.
“Yeah, him. Have you done it yet?” I nodded.
“Finished it last week. You’ve left it late.”

---

I dropped into my desk chair, my hands flying over the keyboard as I searched for information for Melissa, my eyes on the clock as I waited for Mikey to skype me, his call already fifteen minutes late. My heart thudded as I pressed print, contemplating calling him myself when his icon flashed up. I clicked answer, my heart dropping when I saw his face. “What’s wrong?” I asked, panicking slightly.
“Frank’s getting worse, I’m just worried about him. I’m staying with him at the minute so I waited for him to fall asleep before calling. The doctors reckon they know what’s wrong, but they aren’t sure how they can make him better. I’ve seen how worried they look when they talk about him.” He paused, took a deep breath and threw himself right back into the conversation. “I can’t lose him, and that’s where you come in. Frank wants to end it himself, before things get worse and he won’t be allowed to leave the hospital. I need you to write to him, just send the letters home, I’ll give them to him at school, but maybe draw him some pictures or something. Just please, I can’t lose him, not like you. And yeah, I know, you’re only in Germany, but it still feels the same. Please?”
“Wow.” I muttered, turning to face the door as it opened. Melissa peeked her head in and I stuck up a finger, asking her to give me a minute. When the door closed I spoke again. “Why me? I rarely speak to him. I don’t know him that well. I’m not gonna be much help at all.”
“You’ll be more help than you realise. Trust me.”
“Ugh, fine.” I agreed. “I’ll write the first one when I have a spare minute to myself.” I mentally slapped myself as I thought about what I had just agreed to. “Look, Mikey, I need to talk to you.”
“Gee, I have to go.” He said at the same time I spoke, both of us sitting there looking at each other as we waited for the other to speak.
“It’s okay, you go do what you’ve gotta do, I’ll talk to you later.”
“Okay.” Mikey said, smiling softly. “Look, I’m always here Gee, just pick up the phone whenever you need to talk, I’ll always pick up.”
“Thanks little bro.” I smiled, wiping a tear from under my eye as he hung up.

Notes

*hides face*

Hey guys!! I guess I'm back? Maybe off hiatus permanently? I'm not 100% sure yet, but I thought I'd treat you with an update!!

Enjoy!!

~Toxic Rebel~