I threw the pen across my room, a frustrated cry leaving my lips as it shattered against the wall. I dropped my head into my hands as my shoulders shook, my chest heaving as I fought to hold back sobs. I sides throbbed as I held them tight, my fingernails digging half moons into my skin.

It was bad enough that I didn’t want to be here, but even worse when people wanted me to ‘go out and see the world’. Fuck, did they not think I would if I could find it in me to? Did they not think that being homesick just made everything ten times worse?

Tears streaked down my face as yet another knock reverberated around my room. “What?” I yelled before realising they might not understand me. “Was?” I asked after wracking my brain for the German alternative.
“Werden Sie heute herauskommen Gerard?” A female voice asked, her voice rising slightly towards the end.
“Nein.” I replied as I dragged my hand across my eyes.
“Warum nicht? Wir wollen in die Kneipe mit dir gehen.” Goddamnit, they wanted me to go to the pub? Well fuck them.
“Weil ich nicht will.”
“Fine.” She responded in broken English. “Later then.”
“Ja.”

I opened my laptop and fired it up, my eyes on the flashing power light as I fumbled for the charger. The packet of pills caught my eye and I sat there, staring at it as the internet loaded. “Don’t fucking think about it. You promised Mikey goddamnit, Gerard. You promised him you would keep fighting. So just do it.” I placed my head on the desk next to my laptop, breathing deeply as I tried to calm myself down.

Skype started pinging as soon as it loaded, Mikey’s icon appearing on the screen, message after message telling me to pick up. I clicked the answer button and wiped my eyes while it connected, Mikey grinning as soon as he saw me. “Gee! How you doing bro?”
“Fuck, I’m doing good Mikes, hows about you?” I replied, reaching for a new pen and carrying on with my essay.
“Well, I, uh… I got my first girlfriend!” He laughed, his eyes lighting up with delight. “She’s awesome man, you’d totally get on with her. When d’you come back?”
“I dunno.” I shrugged, reaching for my calendar and flipping to December. “Look’s like uni’s out for Christmas on the 9th of December, so I could technically fly back on the 11th.” I counted off the days in my head, sighing as I realised how far away that was.
“Can I come and stay during the Halloween break? Please Gerard, I miss our movie sessions already and Halloween would be the perfect time to bring them back.” Mikey pleaded, spinning around as someone knocked on his bedroom door. “Go away mum.” He laughed before turning back to the screen.
“I’ll speak to my landlord. He should say yes.” I replied, sighing when he turned again.
“Look, Gee, I gotta go. Frank’s here and I’m meant to be going to the cinema with him. I’ll call you later?” He asked, getting a nod in reply. “Stay strong brother.” Mikey whispered seriously as he disconnected the call.

---

I dropped onto my bed, the blankets pulled up to my chin as I shivered, my knees tucked up to my chest. It’s not that it was cold. In fact, it was actually really warm, but I just felt...down. I was trying to distract myself, but it wasn’t working. I was still thinking about everything that was running through my mind.

My head hurt, thoughts bouncing off my skull, my ears ringing as silence filled my room. My cheeks were growing wet as tears streaked down my face, silent sobs shaking my body. When Mikey ended the call, he looked scared, but he had a right to be. Just before they sent me to this university, in the middle of a country I don’t really know, I had a breakdown, popping pills at all hours of the day to make me forget what had happened, and even now, I still can’t talk about it.

No-one knows what happened, just that I stopped leaving the house, talking to people I didn’t know and I barely ate anything. I had to get out of there, leaving all the bad memories behind, and that was the way to do it, no matter how hard it was to leave everyone I cared about behind.

My mum and dad became increasingly worried, especially when I became so ill I couldn’t even stand up, but I brought myself back from that nicely. I eat at least one meal a day, even though I should eat more but, like most students, I forget.

---

A ringing on the other side of the room caused my head to shoot up, stabbing pains jarring the bones in my back. I groaned softly as I climbed to my feet and grabbed my phone, holding it to my ear. “Hallo?” I asked.
“Gerard?” Melissa asked.
“What?” I asked, returning to English.
“What’s wrong? Annalise said you weren’t going to come to the pub last night then she couldn’t get hold of you.”
“I’m just not feeling well.” I replied.
“Really? Are you sure that’s the truth?” Melissa asked sternly.
“Yeah, totally sure that it’s the truth, why the hell would I lie about that?”
“Because you have a history of lying about your health. Now, tell me the truth or I’ll break down your door to make sure you’re alright.” She ranted.
“Fuck Melissa, I’m not going to kill myself if that’s what you’re thinking.”
“Look, I’m worried about you Gerard. Everyone is. Just… prove to us you’re okay and we’ll leave you alone.” Melissa bargained.
“How?” I asked as I reached for a packet of painkillers.
“Come with us for dinner tonight, I promise that you won’t have to come again if you prove that you’re okay.”
“Urgh, fine.” I agreed before hanging up and dropping my phone onto the counter.

---

I stepped under the steady stream of water and counted the scars marring my torso, the silvery lines ranging from thin and barely visible to in your face and thick. I winced as I touched the puckered edge of one, the sensitive skin sending signals of agony to my brain, sparking off memories that shouldn’t be remembered.

A sob broke free from my chest and I collapsed to the floor of the shower, wincing as my head came in contact with the wall behind me. My vision blurred as tears streamed down my face, my back tensing with each sob, my arms wrapped tight around my knees as I tried to control my breathing.

I could hear the steady thrum of the water on the walls of the shower, my screams taking over my mind, the memory of the event sitting in the forefront, images of what happened ripping through all lucid thoughts I had.

Without turning off the water, I staggered from the bathroom and grabbed a strip of pills, popping them into the palm of my hand. I hesitated before I threw them into my mouth, swallowing them dry as I begged for the memories to pass.

“Help me!” I begged, crawling to the door as my vision blurred. “Help me, please?” I sobbed.
“Gerard?” Squealed Annalise as I fell through the door, my towel clutched around my hips, vomit staining my torso. “Was ist passiert? What happened?”
“I’m sorry. I couldn’t take it.” I sobbed as I dropped to the floor again, my knees colliding with the cold tile of the hallway.
“Melissa!” Annalise yelled as she dragged me to my feet and pulled me back into the bathroom, turning the water cold as she sat me underneath.
“Was ist passiert?” Asked Melissa as she ran in, her face filled with fear when she saw me shaking in the shower.
“Er versuchte, sich umzubringen. Ich weiß nicht, wie. Es tut mir leid Melissa.” Annalise sobbed as I threw up again, my head hanging as I tried to catch my breath.

“Gerard, look at me.” Melissa ordered. I managed to swing my head up to see her, my vision blurred with the water dripping from my hair and the drugs pumping through my system. “You are going to be okay. I promise. No matter what the hell is haunting you, you will be okay. We will help you fight through it and you will be okay. I am not letting a casket go home to your family. I promise you.”
“It hurts.” I moaned as more acid forced itself up my throat.
“It’s okay Gerard. I promise.” Melissa soothed as I staggered to my feet, the towel hitting the floor around my ankles.
“I don’t want it to be.” I sobbed as I lunged across the room for my razor. “I want it to end.”

---

I woke up with blankets pulled up to my chin, pressure on the palms of my hands. With a slight struggle, I managed to sit up, my back groaning as my vision blurred, my head dizzy. I pulled my hands free and looked at the bloodstained bandages covering my palms, wincing as I pulled them free. “What happened?” I whispered, Melissa sighing as she walked over to me.
“You don’t remember?” I shook my head. “You tried to overdose and when me and Annalise tried to save you, you went for the blades and tried to slit your wrists. James had to knock you out to get the blades out of your hands.”
“Why? Why would I do that?” I asked, a headache building up to fever pitch.
“Because you won’t tell anyone what’s haunting you and it’s tearing you up inside.”
“I need to sleep.” I groaned as I reached for a glass of water sat beside my bed.
“I’ll be here when you wake up.” Melissa said softly. “I promise.”

Notes

Heya!!

I hope you can make an exception for the shit German, I haven't spoken it in ages so it's taking a long time to work everything out. If I've made any mistakes, feel free to let me know and I'll correct them.

~Toxic Rebel