Spread My Wings And Learn To Fly

I looked up at Gerard as he wiped the tears from under his eyes, sniffling as I reached for the sketchbook. “Please don’t.” He stuttered as he tried to tug it from my grasp.
“Why not Gerard?” I whispered, keeping the cover closed.
“Because I love you and I don’t want you to see what’s in there.” Gerard muttered as he took it from my grasp, his hands shaking as he gently placed it in his desk drawer.
“I love you too you know?” I asked him, reaching out to steady his hands.

Gerard nodded before leaning down to press his lips to mine, his teeth grazing my bottom lip as he melted into my arms. I tugged him closer until our knees were pressed against each other before I pushed him backwards, breaking the kiss as he fell onto the bed.

“Can we?” I asked him, chewing on my bottom lip as I waited for a reply. Gerard shook his head, looking at me apologetically as he did. “Don’t feel bad Gerard.”
“I do though. You want to prove you love me and I’m not letting you.” Gerard explained. “It’s not even as if I don’t want it, because I do, just not yet.”
“Well then we wait until you’re ready, its that simple.” I smiled as I leant down to kiss him again.
“Thank you.”

****

I stood outside the front door, my hand on the handle as I prepared myself to walk in, unsure of what was going on between my mom and my dad. There was no shouting, so I could only guess that things were going well, which was good for me because it meant it wouldn’t be awkward when I walked through the door.

“Frank, honey, is that you?” My mom called from the kitchen, her voice shaking.
“Yeah.” I shouted back as I slipped my shoes off and added them to the pile.
“Can you come into the kitchen please?” She asked.
“Yeah.” I yelled as I dropped my keys into the bowl and hung my jacket on the peg.

“What’s up?” I asked as I slid into the seat opposite her.
“Well, you know that man who walked in earlier?” I nodded, motioning for her to continue. “Well, he’s my husband and uh… he thinks it’s time we tell you the truth about who you really are.”
“I already know mom. I’m Franklin Anthony Iero, I am twenty one and I have a couple of tattoos. I keep getting these memories that I can’t place as my own and I am falling in love with a guy I have known for the space of seven days.”
“That’s not what I mean Frankie. I mean about why you keep getting these memories and things. You know, the ones we made you see a doctor for.”
“Oh, I know mom, I know where they come from because I’ve found someone to explain to me what they are and heck, they even told me where the scars came from.” I explained as I reached for a mug of coffee. “Been there since I was born? You’re not even my mother.” I spat.

“Frank, let me explain…” She pleaded, her eyes wide as she took in my words.
“Go right ahead, prove me wrong. Prove to me that you haven’t lied to me for the last three years.”
“I… Frank, what I.. we, did was for the best. We kept the truth from you because we thought it would help you in the long run. We didn’t think he would ever come back.”
“So you thought you could still hide who I really was?” I asked, attempting to keep my cool.
“Yes.” My mom sighed. “When we picked you up from the hospital, you were a scared 18 year old who had just lost everything in the space of a day. You had nearly died and when you woke up from the coma, you couldn’t remember anything but your name. We tried to remind you of your past but you wouldn’t let us. Any time we brought up what happened, you started freaking out so we decided it was better to formulate a life that you could be happy living. You could be happy living without the fear that they would come after you again.”
“That who would come after me? The people who wanted Gerard dead or the people who killed my real family?” I practically yelled, tears stinging the corners of my eyes. “I just want to know the truth. I want to know who the hell I actually am and why I am like I am. How hard is that to understand?”

“Do you remember when you woke up in the hospital?” My mom asked, her hand reaching out across the table to me. I nodded slowly, chewing the inside of my lip.

My eyes fluttered open, bright white lights clouding my vision, a tight pressure on my chest. I tried to sit up but strong hands pushed me down, forcing me to lay down as needles were removed from my skin. “Can you hear me?” A female voice asked, her hands on my shoulders.

I nodded my head, wincing at the pain that shot through my body. “What’s your name hun? Can you tell me your name?”
“Frank.” I groaned as I tried to sit up again, this time the restraining hands more gentle on my skin.
“Stay laying down honey. We need to run some tests before you can move.” The nurse said. “Can you tell me why you’re here?” I hesitated before shaking my head, gritting my teeth against the pain. “Can you remember anything?”
“No… What happened? Why am I here?” I asked, panic rising in my voice.

“You remember how scared you were because you couldn’t remember anything?”
“What are you getting at?” I asked.
“We had to give you a life, something you could remember without hurting you. So yes, we lied to you, but it was for a reason. We lied to you to save you.” My mom paused and reached for a file underneath the counter. “This is everything we were given about the people you used to know. I got told that giving it to you would only make you more suicidal than you already were at the point, and I couldn’t have that, so I hid it. I span a whole new life for you that you could believe and it worked until he came back to town.”

“It doesn’t matter mom. I know what me and Gerard were. We were engaged and he had to live with the fact I couldn’t remember him! Don’t you think that tore him apart.” I pushed my chair back and climbed to my feet. “Fuck mom, he nearly killed himself because he lost me. How would you have felt then?”
“I...I tried to tell him you were okay.” She stammered.
“You knew?” I screamed. “You knew how bad he was but you still never let me see him? What else did you tell him? Huh? Yet more lies?”
“I...we...you’re dad told him you had died. That you hadn’t survived. He went crazy… He tried to kill himself and his brother found him and stopped him but…”
“Shut the fuck up!” I yelled as I leant against the wall. “Just shut up!”

“Frankie.” My mom soothed, her hands reaching for my shoulders.
“Get off me! I still love him goddamnit! I may not be able to remember everything but I remember loving him. How could you take that away? How could you hope that it ends? How mom? Tell me that?”
“I thought that if you forgot who he was, you’d be happy living with me and you father, as a family. I thought that you would forget these memories and dreams and we could live in peace. I thought that you would be the son that we always dreamed of. Fuck, you even look like he would.” She trailed off, her eyes on the windows.
“Look like who would? What the hell are you on about?” I asked, still resting on the wall.

“My son. He was adopted. I was too young to have a child and Frank made me give him up. I never got to meet the people who took him, just that they were nice people. I knew they couldn’t have kids so I didn’t mind.”
“How long ago? How long ago did you give him up?”
“It was…I can’t remember…” She sobbed.
“Well, have fun trying to mould me into the person you wanted that child to be when I’m not here. I can’t do this shit anymore. I can’t do the whole ‘there are no baby photos because there was a fire’ or ‘well, those scars have been there since you were a baby’ bullshit anymore. I just want to be accepted for who I am, memories or not.” I shouted before running up the stairs to my room and slamming the door, my shoulders shaking as I fought back the sobs.

To: Gerard
From: Frank
Message: I need you… Its all gone bad I need you now.

To: Frank
From: Gerard
Message: What’s wrong?

To: Gerard:
From: Frank
Message: I can’t… oh god I’m scared… please, I don’t wanna die…

To: Frank
From: Gerard
Message: Where are you, I’m coming now.

To: Gerard
From: Frank
Message: Meet me at the park.

I stumbled from my room and grabbed a jacket and my keys before leaving the house, running the back of my hand under my eyes.

Gerard was stood by the swings when I got there, his breath leaving him in as rush of air as I threw myself at him. “I’m sorry.” I sobbed as he wrapped his arms around me. “I am so goddamn sorry.”
“Why? What’s wrong Frankie?” Gerard asked as he ran his fingers through my hair.
“I’m sorry I can’t remember and I’m sorry my dad told you I was dead and I’m sorry I forgot and I’m sorry you love a failure like me and I’m sorry that I can’t be with you how you want and I’m sorry I’m a fuck up and I’m sorry that I want to die.” I took in a shaky breath, tears falling from my eyes as I wrapped my arms tighter around Gerard’s waist.
“It doesn’t matter that you can’t remember Frank. We can start from the beginning. We can start all over again. I don’t care how long it takes just because I love you. Look at me Frankie. You don’t want to die. You want to escape. You want to find a way out of the situation you are in and the only way you think you can do that is by dying but that isn’t the truth.” He took a deep breath and pressed his lips to my forehead. “Come back to mine and I can help you forget, even just for an hour. I can make you forget.”

Notes

Have an update when I should be doing coursework.... really need to stop distracting myself man....

~Toxic Rebel