My head reeled as I opened my eyes, an all too familiar weight pressing down on my chest. Frank’s hair tickled my nose as I inhaled, his cool fingers tucked under the waistband of my boxers.

My phone screen lit up my room, my mom’s number on the screen. “‘ello?” I mumbled quietly, trying to keep Frank asleep.
“You’re dinner is in the microwave. Mikey came down to tell you dinner was done and you two we’re asleep.”
“Thanks mom.” I yawned.
“Be careful Gerard. He isn’t the same anymore.”
“I know.” I sighed before hanging up the phone and wrapping my arms around Frank’s chest again, tugging him closer than he was before.

He muttered words against my neck, none of them able to be understood, his muscles tensing as his eyes snapped open. “Shit.” He breathed, his breath hot on my skin. “Where the fuck am I?”
“It’s okay Frankie. You’re safe.” I whispered as he sat up, his eyes roaming my torso.
“What the fuck happened?” Frank asked, his hand going down to his bare chest. “We didn’t…?” He began.
“No. I would never have let it get that far.” I explained.
“What happened then?” He begged.
“You, uh…” I said, gesturing to my groin, his cheeks burning red as he worked out what I meant.
“Oh god, I am so sorry Gerard.” He stammered.
“Don’t apologise Frank, you told me to let you prove how you felt, so I did.” I shrugged my shoulders as I sat up, Frank collapsing against my chest.

“I just… It feels so wrong. I can’t remember what I meant to you or what you meant to me but I remember this. Ya Know? I remember what it was like to be in bed with you and to sleep with you and to wake up in your arms.” Frank explained, his voice filled with emotions. “I can tell that you care about me, but I can’t remember why. Heck, my mom can’t even explain to me why there isn’t any baby photos of me. Why is my life starting when I’m eighteen? There isn’t anything to say I lived before then and it sucks.”
“Frank, I know you did. I was there with you for eleven months of it. Fuck man, you gave me the best eleven months of my life and then I got them taken away from me.”
“I can remember you though.” Frank whispered. “I just… it doesn’t feel like me.”

“I want to take you somewhere.” I suggested. “It might help you remember who you are.”
“Where is it?” Frank muttered, his lips brushing the skin just below my nipple.
“Don’t freak out on me, but it’s the graveyard.” I explained, bracing myself for a freak out.
“Okay, fine, when do we go?”
“Whenever you feel ready.” I smiled as I leant down and brushed my lips against his.

---

I held Frank’s hand as we walked through the headstones, confusion etched in my brow when he started leading me in a different direction.

We stopped just short of Alex’s headstone, Frank’s hand tightening around my own as he looked at the words etched in the stone. “What did he do to me?”
“What do you mean Frankie?” I asked as he knelt down, tugging me with him.
“Why does he keep appearing in my dreams and telling me he’s sorry and that I have to learn to love you again?”
“He killed your family Frank. He was acting as a guardian angel and he bought us two together. It was him that took your memories to keep you safe.” I explained as he leant against my chest.
“I want to learn again Gerard. I want to remember everything.” Frank whispered, his heart thudding against my hand. “I want to remember everything and I don’t care if it destroys me because I love you.”

I sighed, biting my tongue so I didn’t say it back, my heart breaking as I remembered that what I was doing was for the best. “You mean the world to me Frankie, never forget that.” I muttered, my lips brushing his ear.
“Does that mean you don’t love me?” He whimpered.
“I… At some point, I’ll be able to say it to you again, but now? I’m not sure…” I whispered. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologise Gerard, I hurt you. I understand.” Frank sighed, shifting slightly so he could wrap his arms around me.

---

“What’s this?” Frank asked as he picked up a piece of paper that fluttered from my comic book.
“Uh… leave that…” I stammered, unable to make it in time to grab the piece of paper before he opened it, his eyes widening at the words inside. “Frankie…”

“‘Dear Mikey, I’m sorry. I know you keep telling me to fight and to stay strong but I can’t. Since Frank left, I haven’t been myself. I’m plagued with nightmares and I can’t sleep. Everything you do to make me smile, it doesn’t work Mikes.

“‘Frank meant the world to me, and he still does but he is just out of reach, a place I can’t reach. I stayed alive because of him. I fought my addictions because of him and now he’s gone and my life doesn’t have a point anymore.

“‘I’m not saying you’ve been a shit brother, because you haven’t. You have been the best little brother anyone can ask for, but life just isn’t for me. I’m sorry Mikey. I am so sorry.

“‘I need you to keep fighting for me, to stay strong because I know you can. You are probably going to be the one to find me, so I’m sorry. I never wanted you to see me with my brains painting the walls behind me, a final, gruesome goodbye.

“‘If I had my way, no-one would find me. I would just vanish, disappear off the face of the earth. But it can’t happen.

“‘So remember this. When you look at me, my face disfigured by the bullet, that I loved you. I never meant to hurt you, but I couldn’t keep going anymore.

“‘I love you Mikey. I always will.’ What the fuck Gerard? I really meant that much to you that you were going to shoot yourself?” Frank yelled. “You were going to kill yourself knowing full well that your little brother could find you all because I couldn’t remember you?”
“Frank… please let me explain…” I started, reaching for my sketchbook, turning to the last page I filled in that year, the words scribbled across the page. “I never thought you would remember me, but I still had to write it down. I still had to show you how much you meant to me. So I did this. This sketchbook is you. Every page is filled with you, drawings of you, things you like, things you wanted to see and all because I could never lose you. This sketchbook is our life together, your life before you met me, and your life after you forgot me. The words on this last page is everything that I ever wanted to say to you because I knew I would never get the chance if you didn’t remember me.”
“Gerard…” Frank said as he reached for the book, my fingers unable to let go. “Read it to me.” He suggested as he dropped to the floor, his eyes brimming with tears.

“Frank, when you get this book, I’ll be long gone. Whether that be physically across the globe, or mentally because you can’t remember me. I know that you will never remember all those times we shared, so you have this. A book with everything we enjoyed together, everything you told me about before we met and everything you said you wanted to do.

“I know that you forgot me for a reason, but it hurts, it really does. If you could remember me, even for a second, so I could explain to you why I let it happen, then I would take that, even if it was a goodbye.

“I’m sorry that I got you shot. I never meant for it to happen, but it means you can have a better life. Being unable to remember me means you will be able to live the best life you can. You won’t have to remember everything that happened or how I ruined your life.

“You will probably ask what happened that you need to forget, but there is too much to recount. All you need to know is that I love you and that everything that happened, happened for a reason.” I paused and took a shaky breath, angrily wiping away the tears streaming down my face. “I gave up everything for you and I will continue to, long after you’ve forgotten how much you meant to me.

“You may not know it, but you saved me Frankie. When we first bumped into each other in that furniture store, I knew we were meant for each other. When I held you close as the life bled from you, I knew I would follow close behind. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to live without you so I planned to take my own life.

“I planned to join you, or at least the you that I had, into the afterlife where we could be together again because that’s what soulmates do, right? They follow each other to the other side and hold each other close when they know there isn’t any hope.

“Frankie, when you read this, it will be too late to save me, but you can still save yourself and that is all that matters. All you have to do is stay positive and keep fighting because there are people out there that love you and will do anything to be with you.

“When you get lonely, or feel like no-one loves you, remember that I did. That I loved you until I couldn’t love anymore.

“I will always love you Frankie.” I closed the book and tossed it on my bed, wiping away the tears marring my cheeks.

“Shit, Gerard, please, god please tell me that it wasn’t me that made you...shit it was wasn’t it? You were going to kill yourself because of me. Oh god, no, I can’t… fuck, no please no.” Frank wrapped his arms around his knees and began rocking backwards and forwards, tears streaming down his cheeks.
“Frank.” I whispered as I stepped closer to him, my arms held up in surrender. “Frank, I’m okay, I’m alive. I’m alright.” I muttered, consoling him as I pulled him onto my lap.
“I fucking… you nearly… oh fuck...it would have been my fault if you did…. Why? How the hell could someone love me that much? Fuck Gerard….. I’m not…. I’ll never be… I’ve never been worth it.” Frank sobbed, his head buried in my chest.

“You will always be worth it Frank because you saved me. You stopped me from killing myself before. You made me keep fighting by falling in love with me and I swore to myself that I would keep going, but when I lost you? I lost it. I broke my promise. I drank myself stupid. I lost everyone that I cared about because I was rarely sober enough to tell them what was wrong. I nearly didn’t survive college because I wanted to die.” I paused. “But I didn’t because I knew that I was fighting for the chance to see you again. To make you fall in love with me again. Even if it didn’t, I would have done anything to be your friend, even though that would have torn me apart because guess what Frankie? I fucking love you and I know I said I wouldn’t say it yet, but it’s true. I never stopped loving you. I never did and I never will so just remember that okay? Remember that I love you and I’ll do anything to keep you safe.”

Notes

Have a kinda long chapter (I think it might actually be the longest in this fic so far...) and let me know what you think?

And sorry if my updates are really sporadic but I go away soon and I have school work to do before I do....

~Toxic Rebel