I woke up with a stuffy nose and a sore throat, my body coated in a sheen of sweat. My phone lay on my mattress, seven missed calls and four texts gracing the screen. I ignored all of them and untangled myself from my cocoon, shivering as the cool air hit my skin.

I stumbled as I climbed to my feet and worked my way downstairs, hesitating in the kitchen doorway as my mom spoke to someone before walking in, squinting as the light streamed in through the windows. “Shane?” I asked.
“Wow Frank, you really do look like shit.” He laughed, sipping from the mug in front of him.
“Thanks.” I mumbled as I reached for a mug and the coffee pot, pouring myself a decent sized amount before heaping in the sugar.
“Why you come down ill so sudden?” Shane asked, his eyes on my mom as she walked around the kitchen, probably fixing pancakes or something.
“Ask my shitty immune system.” I replied sarcastically.

“Don’t forget your doctors appointment Frank.” My mom reminded me, her head shooting up at the words immune system.
“I thought that was the 16th…” I said as I grabbed a packet of biscuits from the cupboard.
“It is the sixteenth.” She replied.
“No it isn’t. It’s the fourteenth.” I stated, counting back the days. “I met Gerard on the thirteenth and came home and went to bed, then you called,” I said as I pointed to Shane. “And then I went back to bed. It’s the fourteenth.” I concluded.
“Frank, son, you’ve been out of it for three days. You didn’t eat anything and it took us both a hell of a lot of effort to get you to drink. It’s the sixteenth, your appointment is at twelve, so you need to shower and leave for you to get there in time.” I sighed as I finished my coffee and grabbed a couple of biscuits, munching on them as I walked up the stairs and grabbed a towel from the cupboard before walking to the bathroom.

The mirror steamed as I waited for the water to heat up, my thumb running over the edges of the scar. It seemed to be a habit I had picked up and I have no idea why. I sighed softly as I stepped under the steady stream of water and closed my eyes, my face raised towards the stream.

I leant my forehead against the tiles as Gerard ran his hands down my back, his fingers brushing over my damp skin as he pressed his lips to my shoulderblade. “Ever fucked in a shower?” He asked, grinning as his teeth grazed my shoulder. I bit my bottom lip as I shook my head, water droplets spraying everywhere. “You wanna?” Gerard asked as he slid his hands round the front, cupping me with one as the other wrapped around my length. I nodded my head furiously, biting hard on my bottom lip as he pushed into me.

I let out a moan as I reached down to hold myself, leaning back against the wall as I stroked myself, these memories of someone else turning me on far too much to ignore. I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth and bit down, trying to refrain from being too loud, so my mom and Shane didn’t know what I was doing.

---

The cracked leather stuck to the backs of my arms, my hands knotted in my lap as I waited for Doctor Phillips to reenter the room, having left to get us both some coffee. When he returned, he handed me a polystyrene cup, steam spilling over the edge, his eyes on me as he waited for me to speak. “What do you want to know?” I asked, unsure of what developments would interest him.

Doctor Phillips cleared his throat before looking at me, a serious look on his youthful face. “Frank, you’ve been seeing me for almost three years and we still haven’t sorted anything out. What are you hiding?”
“I… It’s hard to explain.” I whispered as I stared at the swirls the steam was making in the air.
“Try. I can’t help you if you won’t tell me what’s going on.” Doctor Phillips smiled as he took a sip of his coffee.
“I feel like this isn’t my life, or that I’m sharing my life with someone else. I keep getting these memories that aren’t mine, but they feel like they are and it sucks because I just want to get to the bottom of it. I want to find out why I’m not the only person in my mind and why the hell these ‘dreams’ affect me so much.” I paused and drank half of my coffee. “I mean, I have only just met the guy in these ‘dreams’, so they can’t be mine, can they?”
“It isn’t uncommon for people to repress memories if something is too horrible for them to remember. Maybe these memories are yours but you are just blocking them out because something made you want to forget.”
“But I would definitely remember fucking him… and I think I would remember losing my virginity.” I sighed, going red at the last half of the statement.

“That’s something we haven’t spoken about Frank. Why, every time I bring up your sexuality, do you change the subject?” Doctor Phillips asked, his eyes focused on my over the brim of his mug.
“I don’t know. It’s just a sensitive subject.” I whispered, my eyes downcast.
“Yet you are openly gay?” He pushed.
“I’m not openly gay, not to the whole world. Only a few people know, and even fewer know about my sex life. It’s not that I change the subject, it’s just… I don’t want to seem like a loser for wanting to wait for the right guy.”
“You won’t seem like a loser Frank, it makes it seem like you want to be committed to a relationship before you take the next step. I’m guessing,” He paused, his eyes glinting, “that you’ve found someone you want to be in a relationship with?”

I hesitated before nodding my head slightly, unsure as to why I was. “Have you told him?”
“Now that’s where it gets complicated…” I sighed, scratching at the three day old stubble on my chin.
“Why?”
“I met him properly for the first time yesterday…”
“And does that change how you feel about him?” The doctor asked, his eyes bright.
“No, but the weirdest thing is that I feel like I’ve known him for years and that we were more than friends at one point but I don’t know why. It’s just…” I sighed and shook my head, shutting my mouth and pressing my lips into a thin line.

“Have you been taking your pills?” Doctor Phillips asked, his voice sincere. I shook my head, deciding there was no point in lying. “Right Frank, I need you to admit to me whether this other person is you needing a place to escape to or whether you genuinely don’t know where these memories are coming from, in which case, we can tailor a specialist course of treatment to your needs. Maybe some rehabilitation would help.”
“I am not going to fucking rehab.” I snapped. “These memories are not mine, but at the same time they are. I don’t know how to explain it. I mean, it feels like I’ve lived them before but I can’t have because they wouldn’t seem so strange or abnormal when I remember them, right?”
“Frank, we can help you, you just have to let us.” Doctor Phillips whispered.
“I’ve been trying to let you but the pills don’t keep away the memories and when I remember something big, it hurts.”
“You don’t have to answer this Frank, but have you ever gotten uh… aroused from one of these memories?”

My face went pale as I looked at him. “Uh….” I tried not to let myself show what happened in the shower this morning, but I didn’t really need to answer because my hesitation gave Doctor Phillips all the information he needed.
“I understand you’re twenty-one soon?” He asked, his cheeks red as he sipped the coffee he still had left. I nodded. “Good, then this won’t be so bad…” He muttered as he leant forwards on his toes and placed my cup on a table out of arms reach.
“What are you…?” I began, eating my words as Doctor Phillips crashed his lips against mine, pushing me back against the couch and stopping movement with his hands on my hips.

When he pulled back, I raised my hand and slapped him, the loud noise echoing in the otherwise silent room. “Don’t you fucking dare.” I hissed as he went to apologize. “You’re meant to be helping me get better not sticking your fucking tongue down my throat.”
“Frank, let me explain.” He begged, his eyes filling with tears as he looked at me.
“You have five minutes.” I snapped as I folded my arms over my chest.
“I don’t need five. Frank, I’m falling for you. I want you to forget whoever it is in these memories that you don’t remember because I want to be with you.”
“Well guess fucking what? You are my doctor so I will not, ever, date you. I don’t want to forget who is in my memories because I want to know who the hell he is and why the hell I’m thinking about him all the time. Just… fuck off. I’m not seeing you again.” I hissed as I grabbed my jacket and left.

---

“Son, what’s wrong?” My mom asked as soon as the door slammed behind me.
“I am never seeing Doctor Phillips again.” I snapped as I dropped into one of the kitchen chairs.
“Why not? I pay good money for him.”
“Yeah, and he fucking kissed me so I’m not going back.” I replied, observing the shocked look on her face.
“I can find you a new doctor. I can… I can…” She trailed off, her eyes on the figure in the door. “Frank?” She whispered, her voice hoarse.
“I’m sorry for just turning up…” A deep male voice muttered from behind me.
“Where the fuck were you? I thought you were fucking dead. How can you turn up out of the blue unannounced like this? How?” I stood up and tried to excuse myself, my dad’s figure filling the doorframe freezing me in my steps. “Oh Frank, I fucking love you!” My mom sobbed as she threw her arms around my dad’s shoulders.

I took that chance to leave, grabbing my phone from the table and sliding it into my pocket as I grabbed my keys and left through the front door, leaving my mom and dad to their reunion.

Notes

Heya guys,

I apologize if this is a little bad, but nearly 40 hours without sleep actually kills when it comes down to doing something creative.....

Let me know what you think??

~Toxic Rebel