I held a cigarette between my lips as I leant against the wall, ignoring all the stares from the girls, my eyes scanning the crowd for Gerard. My phone told me I was early, but better that than to be late, or turn up when he does.

For some unknown reason, my heart was thudding against my chest, almost like I was nervous, but I couldn’t be nervous. I shouldn’t be nervous. This was just a friends thing, wasn’t it? Or maybe it wasn’t. Maybe, when I saw him at the bar, I wanted more.

“Shut up Frank.” I scolded, ignoring the strange looks from passers-by. “You can’t like him. You’ve only met him twice, once in a comic book store three years ago, the other was two days ago.” I sighed softly as my mind went fuzzy, someone else's memories attacking my brain.

I leaned forwards and pressed my lips to Gerard’s, my tongue brushing his bottom lip fleetingly before I ran my hands under his shirt, playing with the lines of his muscles. He kissed me again, sucking my bottom lip into his mouth as his hands worked down my sides, brushing my bare skin, my pants growing tighter as he played with the zipper.

“Goddamnit.” I groaned as my pants became too small. I changed how I was leaning against the wall so my ‘problem’ would be less visible now than it was a few minutes ago. I saw Gerard pushing through the crowd, a look of frustration crossing his lips when as young girl grabbed his ass.

“Hey. Sorry I’m late. Parking is terrible.” He smiled as he walked up, coming to a stop next to me.
“‘Tis cool. Gave me a chance to have a cigarette before we go it.” I smiled as I motioned towards the entrance, grabbing a booth towards the back of the bar. Gerard gave me a confused look. “So we can hear each other.” I replied as I stood up and went to the bar.

“Got a date?” The bartender asked, grinning as he poured two beers.
“Shut up Max. It’s just friends for now.” I smiled, my mind running over possibilities.
“For now ay Frankie?” He teased as he handed me the glasses. “Be careful. Remember how easy people hurt you.” I nodded as I worked my way back to the table, sliding a beer in front of Gerard, who was absentmindedly drawing on a napkin.

“So…” I began, unsure of how to break the ice.
“What did you want to hang out with me for?” Gerard asked, jumping straight into the question I was hoping to avoid.
“Uh...That’s a difficult one to explain.” I muttered, wrapping both hands around my glass.
“Try?” Gerard begged, his eyes wide, filled with an emotion I couldn’t place.
“Well, when I saw you in the bathroom, I had completely forgotten about the comic book shop, but something clicked in me and I thought I’d met you before and I wanted to hang out with you to see if it was true.” I paused. “Crazy, I know.” I sighed.
“It’s not as crazy as it sounds.” Gerard muttered, his hand reaching out to grab mine across the table. “When did you get that?” He asked, pointing to the words tattooed around the inside of my wrist.
“I got that for graduating high school. “I’ve got an even better tattoo on my back.” I smirked, unsure why I was being so friendly. “It’s a pumpkin.”
“That’s pretty awesome.” He chuckled as he wrapped his lips around the rim of his glass.

I folded my arms underneath me, my face turned to the side as Gerard massaged my shoulders, his lips meeting the skin of my back occasionally. He straddled my hips, a grin crossing his lips as he lay over my back, kissing the skin between my shoulderblades, paying special attention to the ridges just below the bone. “I love you Frankie.” He whispered.

“Yeah, I guess it is.” I replied as I shook the thoughts from my head. “You’ll have to check it out some time.” I said, freezing when his face froze, an emotion filling his eyes, an emotion that there was no reason for. Longing.
“Uh, what you want to do? We can’t sit at the bar all day.” Gerard joked, grinning as he downed his beer.
“Well, I kinda… actually, promise me you won’t laugh.” I said.
“I promise.”
“I go and sit on the swings at the park when I need some space, so we could go and do that?” I suggested as I finished my pint.
“Sounds like a plan.” He grinned as he climbed to his feet and grabbed his jacket.

---

I scuffed my converse through the bark chips, my ass freezing to the seat as Gerard sparked up, offering me a cigarette before slipping them back into his pocket. “I miss this.” He muttered, his cheeks red from the wind.
“Miss what?” I asked, my head darting up to look at a bunch of kids walking through the park.
“Being able to do this without having a care in the world. You can forget everything ya’know? It’s kind of like an escape.” He sighed and climbed to his feet. “Look, I know we haven’t been hanging out that long, but I’ve gotta go…” Gerard muttered.
“Oh...uh, sure.” I replied reluctantly. “I guess we can catch up another time?”
“Sure, you call me this time though.” Gerard laughed as he walked back towards his car.

I stayed at the swings, thoughts that didn’t belong to me running through my mind. I could see Gerard and this other guy, I think it was a guy, making out and doing things and a part of me so desperately wanted it to be me, even though it never would be.

My stomach growled as I climbed to my feet and walked home, my hands shoved deep in my pockets as the wind howled through any access to my clothing it could find.

By the time I walked through the front door, my skin was covered in goosebumps, my hair standing on end as I shivered to warm myself up. My mom, Linda, stood in the kitchen door, her arms folded across her chest. “Please tell me you haven’t been drinking again.” She stated, disappointment crossing her features.
“One beer mom, that was it.” I replied.
“Why do you look so down then?” She asked, stepping closer to study me. “In fact, what are you crying?”
“I’m not.” I snapped as I wiped the back of my hand across my face, sighing when it came away wet. “Okay, I am, but I don’t know why.”

“Have you been having those dreams again Frank?” She asked, worry clouding her features. I shook my head gently, trying to hide the fear that was bubbling away under the surface. “Tell me what’s wrong Frank. I want to help you.”
“I have these thoughts, memories even, running around in my mind and they aren’t even mine. It’s like someone else is taking over my mind and I have absolutely no control over it, it’s just happening.” I explained, crossing my arms over my chest protectively.
“I thought that’d stopped.” She whispered.
“So did I mom.” I responded. “Look, I’m tired. I just want to go to bed. Please just…. I dunno, make sure that there’s coffee in the pot before you leave for work?”
“Sure.” My mom replied. “I love you Frankie, never forget that, okay hun?”
“I know mom and I love you too.” I replied before walking up the stairs and locking myself in my bedroom.

---

My alarm screamed through my room, startling me out of the nightmare I was having, my breathing running a million miles and hour as I turned it off, my head spinning with the familiar beginnings of a cold as I staggered from my bed. “Damn it.” I groaned as my phone rang, Shane’s number appearing on the screen. “‘Lo.” I muttered as I hunted for some pain killers in the medicine cabinet.
“Dude, you sound like fucking shit.” He laughed.
“Thanks asshole.” I muttered as I tipped a couple of ibuprofen out of the bottle and into the palm of my hand.
“Guess that means you’re not coming to practice today then?” Shane asked, his voice conveying concern.
“Can’t fucking breath properly, so no.” I muttered. “Look, I’m gonna go back to bed, call you later.” I sighed before hanging up.

I looked in the mirror, the silvery scar on my chest standing out, still without an explanation. There was a matching one on my back, it was just a little smaller. Almost like a gunshot wound. I laughed. I ran my thumb over the puckered skin, wincing at the temperature difference. “How?” I asked myself as I chased the pills down with a handful of cold water before staggering back to my bedroom.

I groaned as I dropped onto my bed, my back protesting as I attempted to stretch before putting the remake of Dawn of the Dead into the DVD player and cocooning myself in my blankets with just my head and neck poking out the top.

My phone vibrated on the dresser next to me, but I was too lazy to pick it up, instead looking at the caller ID to determine how important it was, Gerard’s number flashing up causing me to fall out of my cocoon and onto the floor, groaning in pain as my shoulder collided with the hard corner to the drawers. “‘Ello?” I asked. “I thought I was gonna call you?” I croaked.
“I took your lighter. I was wondering when I could give it back?” He asked, his voice overly awake for two in the afternoon.
“Keep it till next time. Not well, don’t want you to get it.” I explained, coughing into my fist as my lungs seized.
“Aww shit, I hope you get better.” He replied. “I’ll leave you to sleep. Talk soon Frankie.” He whispered as he hung up, leaving me with the dial tone.

I dropped my phone into the pocket on my pajama pants and climbed back onto my bed, re-cocooning myself and zoning out to the zombie apocalypse.

Notes

Have another update :3 and laugh at the fact that I have been awake for 36 hours straight for absolutely no reason whatsoever.....

~Toxic Rebel