Very Much Alive
You Wear Me Out
-Gerard's POV-
What had I just done? That was a student for fuck's sake, I'm his TEACHER! He's not even legal yet... 'He will be in a few months though. October 31st, as he said,' "Oh quit giving yourself options, it'll never happen." Poor Frankie-No Frank, I don't need to keep up with the pet names- he looked so frightened when I pushed him against that wall. Maybe I was too rough with him. Everything was going so nicely- the chat, the song, he was about to leave and I was going to get to see him tomorrow. I'm not so sure now... It was only the first day!!! Something just made me lose it. Frank is just... he seems special for some reason. "You, my friend, are very... enticing to me," Those words replayed in my head over and over. I must've sounded like such an idiot. I feel like such a jackass, coming onto a student like that. 'I wonder if he liked it...' God is that all I can think about? I don't even know his orientation! The thing is... I don't regret it. I have feelings I need to sort out. Hell I've got all year to do it... I need to figure out more about Frank. Even if he isn't into guys, we can still be friends, right? Should I wait until he's 18, or maybe try and apologize now? But what if he did like it... Oi, what the hell is wrong with me? I don't believe in miracles...
-Frank's POV-
Okay, I know he said he was spontaneous, but that spontaneous? Not that I didn't completely love what had just happened or anything, just... why so sudden? Gerard seemed like he regretted it, which made me depressed. 'Maybe he was just trying to see what my reaction was and how I would respond. Just playing you. Or.. Or He could've just been so caught up in the moment, he just stopped thinking. Maybe....' I let out a heavy sigh. Over analyzing this situation was not an option right now. I knew I needed to talk to Gerard about this. Should I still call him Gerard? So much was wrong, and it was just the first day. Oddly enough, when Gerard was pressed up against me, everything felt so right. Like everything was all going to be okay for once.
I was so caught up in my head, I almost didn't hear the car horn behind me. Somehow I had ended up walking into the middle of the street. I made a mad dash out the female's way and back over to the side walk. The lady promptly flipped me off as she yelled inside her car. Luckily I didn't hear any of it. I was too love-struck and confused to react to her. Stuff like that didn't bother me anymore, it'd been happening a lot lately.
The streets were deserted after that, leaving only me and my thoughts. I trudged up my front porch steps, fished the key out of my pocket and entered the house. I tossed my bag and jacket to the floor. Pansy was gently placed on her usual spot by the door. I headed into the kitchen to get the dinner my mom mentioned that morning. I pulled out the day-old spaghetti and put it in the microwave. While I waited for it to get warm, I whipped out my phone. I had received 3 texts from Ray.
'Hey what were you doing after school?'
'You wanna come over Friday?'
'Oi! Short stacks, you still alive?'
'Oh Ray, always the worrier.' I responded that 1. Yes, I am still alive (though I felt a little loopy after the incident..) 2. I had to do a few errands for my mom and 3. Sure, but I'd have to ask. It seemed like a convincing story to me. By that time, the microwave had dinged, signaling that my spaghetti was cooked. I grabbed a fork out of the drawer and headed to the couch. I plopped my emotionally stressed body down and flipped on the TV. Frankenstein was on one of the movie channels so I settled on that to watch. I was only half paying attention. The other half was still thinking about Gerard. Again, thoughts of me running my hands through his hair, him biting my lowering lip, only slightly nibbling on my lip ring... I then remembered the way he smirked at me while I was pinned between his body and the wall. So damn hot and needy... it was enough to get me worked up again. Fortunately for me, Mom still wasn't home. I ran upstairs and started removing my clothes. 'I deserve another shower...' I didn't even wait for the water to get warm. I just wanted my body to calm down and I was not about to jerk off because of a teacher, even if the teacher was pure sex in a waistcoat. (Again, first day!) But I felt like I had already known him. It seems like I remember him from somewhere else... from another time.
The steam wrapped itself around me. 'Like Ger-No, stop it!' It was nice to relax in the comforting heat after a long, emotionally-conflicting day. No matter how hard I tried, I still couldn't take my mind off the matter. I lathered the soap over my body as I speculated my problems. 'How far had he intended to go had it not been for Mikey? Wait, why was Mikey with Gerard? Wait...' Instantly, the worst case scenario popped into my head. 'What if Mr. Way was like, a sexual predator or something, going after all the senior boys?!' I knew it was an extremely far-fetched accusation, one not to be taken lightly either. But at this point, I wasn't sure how much more things could get out of proportion. Perhaps I was overacting, like I have been known to do. 'Just go to the basics. He pinned me to the wall suggestively, I had enjoyed Gerard's actions, so what was wrong?''Um everything!' Ugghhh, this was my life now, obsessing over my teacher like I was some teenage fan girl.
I finished washing my body off and stepped out of the tub. Once the towel was wrapped securely around my waist, I walked to my room. I picked my skeleton pajamas off the floor and put them on. My bed looked so inviting, so warm. As soon as I had laid down, I knew I wasn't getting back up. 'Nothing else to do anyway, might as well sleep when I can.' I fell asleep almost instantly. However, my dreams were not as pleasant as I had hoped.
I was standing on a grassy hill with Gerard, a pit of skulls lay just below us. It was relatively calm, a small bench was perched atop the hill with a few toddlers chasing each other and laughing carefree. It was completely silent, eerily so. Gerard looked a little older now. He smiled lovingly over at me, saying something I couldn't make out. But then the scene transformed. The children and bench were gone, the hill a ragged cliff. The skulls had been replaced by millions of sharp spikes all facing towards me. Gerard, looking like some deranged killed, had a knife in his hand and was slowly coming at me. I had backed up as far as I could have without falling. "Come here, Frankie-let's play a game!" he shouted. His voice was no longer sweet or comforting. It was low and raspy, like he'd been screaming for hours. The lyrics of Smashing Pumpkin's Tonight Tonight and my poem/lyrics from earlier were playing at full blast, all mashed together to create a horrendous cacophony. The noise was so discordant and loud it was becoming harder to bear. I dropped to my knees, covering my ears with my hands as I let out a blood curdling scream. When I opened my eyes, Gerard was no longer Gerard- he had morphed into my father. Where his eyes should've been was hollow and blood was seeping out. Now he had stopped, but was only 10 feet away.
"Miss me kid? Cuz I sure haven't missed you! You're the biggest disappointment in my life. Your mother and I both regret ever having you, ya fag. Look what you are now." I looked down at my arms- the wrists had cut and scratch marks scattered all over them, scars were littered everywhere. He spit on me. "I'm glad I left your sorry ass when I had the chance, that bitch only stayed because she had to!" My eyes watered as the lump in my throat got more and more uncomfortable. He continued moving now, seeming to go inches at the time, slowly raising that rusted, dull knife. I had two options-be killed or jump. Either way, I gave him the satisfaction of seeing me die. 'I will not let it be by his hand.' I closed my eyes and forced myself over the edge. Midfall, my eyes reopened and came into contact with Gerard again. This time he was his normal self. He was reaching out to me and screaming my name over and over. But it was too late. I was only a few yards from the spikes. We all fall down...
I shot straight out of bed and ran to the bathroom. I clawed my sleeves up to reveal no cuts or scars, which I was grateful for. My breathing was labored, and I broke down. I sank down to my knees and sat, covering eyes and tried letting out a few shaky breaths. I laid on the floor for a while, silently crying and occasionally sniffling. The dreams were back. 'That is right.. I forgot to take my medicine.' Ever since I was little, not long after my dad left, I had these awful, reoccurring nightmares. It was almost every night I woke up screaming in agony- sometimes my dad choked me back to reality, or put a gun to my head, or just pushed me into never ending holes, Alice In Wonderland-style. They were usually silent or overpoweringly loud. I could never decide which was worse. It took over a year of therapy to get me to stop being scared shitless. They gave me pills, pills I've had to take for the last 10 years of my life. Pills that sometimes sent me into a spiraling depression, pills that make me hear voices in my mind that constantly argue. Pills that convince me that everyone only cares about themselves, and everyone was against me. I always wondered if they had been doing more harm than good...
I picked my tired body off the floor and looked back in the mirror. I had forgotten to remove the eye shadow and eyeliner, so now it was all smeared and running everywhere. I splashed water onto my face. It was only 8:09 pm, but my mom still wasn't home. I texted her quickly and she replied that she'd be home in an hour. She also asked if I was okay, but I didn't respond. I wasn't okay. I went back to my room and turned my small TV on. The volume was turned way down low, low enough for me to listen to, but not loud enough to disturb me. Light, meaningless noise always calmed me, and it was exactly what I needed now. I opened my drawer and got out the orange, translucent bottle of medicine. Two pills spilled out onto my palm, which I threw into my mouth and chased down with a sip of water. I then collapsed back onto my bed, falling into a fitful yet dreamless sleep.
When I awoke, it was only 7:15 am. I lugged my lifeless body out of bed and pulled on dark blue jeans with the knees worn out. I shuffled around in my closet for a bit before I found an old Smashing Pumpkins shirt. It reminded me of my little escapade with Mr. Way yesterday, making me grin. I reapplied some eyeliner, not as much today though. No eye shadow today- I was still a little fearful of what happened yesterday with the football players. Because my mom wasn't up yet, I decided to skip breakfast and spend time styling my hair. I normally didn't care, but I was still going to see Mr. Way after school today and I wanted to look good (you know, in case if anything happens... *wink wink*) Once I had it perfectly in place, I grabbed my backpack and headed down to the living room.
"Bye Mom! I'll see you after school!" Lord knows if she heard me or not, I was already out the door anyway if she had responded. It was only 8, but I wanted to talk to Ray before we got to school.
Not before long, the old black truck pulled into the drive and I hopped in.
"Hey Ray," I murmured. I wasn't really sure how to word this and still be subtle about it.
"Frank, is something wrong? You just seem out of it. Come on, talk to me buddy. Ya know you can tell me anything..." Should I just come out and tell him? No... it'd be too embarrassing.
"Actually Ray, I need to ask you something..." I instantly regretted even saying something. This was going to be awkward....
What had I just done? That was a student for fuck's sake, I'm his TEACHER! He's not even legal yet... 'He will be in a few months though. October 31st, as he said,' "Oh quit giving yourself options, it'll never happen." Poor Frankie-No Frank, I don't need to keep up with the pet names- he looked so frightened when I pushed him against that wall. Maybe I was too rough with him. Everything was going so nicely- the chat, the song, he was about to leave and I was going to get to see him tomorrow. I'm not so sure now... It was only the first day!!! Something just made me lose it. Frank is just... he seems special for some reason. "You, my friend, are very... enticing to me," Those words replayed in my head over and over. I must've sounded like such an idiot. I feel like such a jackass, coming onto a student like that. 'I wonder if he liked it...' God is that all I can think about? I don't even know his orientation! The thing is... I don't regret it. I have feelings I need to sort out. Hell I've got all year to do it... I need to figure out more about Frank. Even if he isn't into guys, we can still be friends, right? Should I wait until he's 18, or maybe try and apologize now? But what if he did like it... Oi, what the hell is wrong with me? I don't believe in miracles...
-Frank's POV-
Okay, I know he said he was spontaneous, but that spontaneous? Not that I didn't completely love what had just happened or anything, just... why so sudden? Gerard seemed like he regretted it, which made me depressed. 'Maybe he was just trying to see what my reaction was and how I would respond. Just playing you. Or.. Or He could've just been so caught up in the moment, he just stopped thinking. Maybe....' I let out a heavy sigh. Over analyzing this situation was not an option right now. I knew I needed to talk to Gerard about this. Should I still call him Gerard? So much was wrong, and it was just the first day. Oddly enough, when Gerard was pressed up against me, everything felt so right. Like everything was all going to be okay for once.
I was so caught up in my head, I almost didn't hear the car horn behind me. Somehow I had ended up walking into the middle of the street. I made a mad dash out the female's way and back over to the side walk. The lady promptly flipped me off as she yelled inside her car. Luckily I didn't hear any of it. I was too love-struck and confused to react to her. Stuff like that didn't bother me anymore, it'd been happening a lot lately.
The streets were deserted after that, leaving only me and my thoughts. I trudged up my front porch steps, fished the key out of my pocket and entered the house. I tossed my bag and jacket to the floor. Pansy was gently placed on her usual spot by the door. I headed into the kitchen to get the dinner my mom mentioned that morning. I pulled out the day-old spaghetti and put it in the microwave. While I waited for it to get warm, I whipped out my phone. I had received 3 texts from Ray.
'Hey what were you doing after school?'
'You wanna come over Friday?'
'Oi! Short stacks, you still alive?'
'Oh Ray, always the worrier.' I responded that 1. Yes, I am still alive (though I felt a little loopy after the incident..) 2. I had to do a few errands for my mom and 3. Sure, but I'd have to ask. It seemed like a convincing story to me. By that time, the microwave had dinged, signaling that my spaghetti was cooked. I grabbed a fork out of the drawer and headed to the couch. I plopped my emotionally stressed body down and flipped on the TV. Frankenstein was on one of the movie channels so I settled on that to watch. I was only half paying attention. The other half was still thinking about Gerard. Again, thoughts of me running my hands through his hair, him biting my lowering lip, only slightly nibbling on my lip ring... I then remembered the way he smirked at me while I was pinned between his body and the wall. So damn hot and needy... it was enough to get me worked up again. Fortunately for me, Mom still wasn't home. I ran upstairs and started removing my clothes. 'I deserve another shower...' I didn't even wait for the water to get warm. I just wanted my body to calm down and I was not about to jerk off because of a teacher, even if the teacher was pure sex in a waistcoat. (Again, first day!) But I felt like I had already known him. It seems like I remember him from somewhere else... from another time.
The steam wrapped itself around me. 'Like Ger-No, stop it!' It was nice to relax in the comforting heat after a long, emotionally-conflicting day. No matter how hard I tried, I still couldn't take my mind off the matter. I lathered the soap over my body as I speculated my problems. 'How far had he intended to go had it not been for Mikey? Wait, why was Mikey with Gerard? Wait...' Instantly, the worst case scenario popped into my head. 'What if Mr. Way was like, a sexual predator or something, going after all the senior boys?!' I knew it was an extremely far-fetched accusation, one not to be taken lightly either. But at this point, I wasn't sure how much more things could get out of proportion. Perhaps I was overacting, like I have been known to do. 'Just go to the basics. He pinned me to the wall suggestively, I had enjoyed Gerard's actions, so what was wrong?''Um everything!' Ugghhh, this was my life now, obsessing over my teacher like I was some teenage fan girl.
I finished washing my body off and stepped out of the tub. Once the towel was wrapped securely around my waist, I walked to my room. I picked my skeleton pajamas off the floor and put them on. My bed looked so inviting, so warm. As soon as I had laid down, I knew I wasn't getting back up. 'Nothing else to do anyway, might as well sleep when I can.' I fell asleep almost instantly. However, my dreams were not as pleasant as I had hoped.
I was standing on a grassy hill with Gerard, a pit of skulls lay just below us. It was relatively calm, a small bench was perched atop the hill with a few toddlers chasing each other and laughing carefree. It was completely silent, eerily so. Gerard looked a little older now. He smiled lovingly over at me, saying something I couldn't make out. But then the scene transformed. The children and bench were gone, the hill a ragged cliff. The skulls had been replaced by millions of sharp spikes all facing towards me. Gerard, looking like some deranged killed, had a knife in his hand and was slowly coming at me. I had backed up as far as I could have without falling. "Come here, Frankie-let's play a game!" he shouted. His voice was no longer sweet or comforting. It was low and raspy, like he'd been screaming for hours. The lyrics of Smashing Pumpkin's Tonight Tonight and my poem/lyrics from earlier were playing at full blast, all mashed together to create a horrendous cacophony. The noise was so discordant and loud it was becoming harder to bear. I dropped to my knees, covering my ears with my hands as I let out a blood curdling scream. When I opened my eyes, Gerard was no longer Gerard- he had morphed into my father. Where his eyes should've been was hollow and blood was seeping out. Now he had stopped, but was only 10 feet away.
"Miss me kid? Cuz I sure haven't missed you! You're the biggest disappointment in my life. Your mother and I both regret ever having you, ya fag. Look what you are now." I looked down at my arms- the wrists had cut and scratch marks scattered all over them, scars were littered everywhere. He spit on me. "I'm glad I left your sorry ass when I had the chance, that bitch only stayed because she had to!" My eyes watered as the lump in my throat got more and more uncomfortable. He continued moving now, seeming to go inches at the time, slowly raising that rusted, dull knife. I had two options-be killed or jump. Either way, I gave him the satisfaction of seeing me die. 'I will not let it be by his hand.' I closed my eyes and forced myself over the edge. Midfall, my eyes reopened and came into contact with Gerard again. This time he was his normal self. He was reaching out to me and screaming my name over and over. But it was too late. I was only a few yards from the spikes. We all fall down...
I shot straight out of bed and ran to the bathroom. I clawed my sleeves up to reveal no cuts or scars, which I was grateful for. My breathing was labored, and I broke down. I sank down to my knees and sat, covering eyes and tried letting out a few shaky breaths. I laid on the floor for a while, silently crying and occasionally sniffling. The dreams were back. 'That is right.. I forgot to take my medicine.' Ever since I was little, not long after my dad left, I had these awful, reoccurring nightmares. It was almost every night I woke up screaming in agony- sometimes my dad choked me back to reality, or put a gun to my head, or just pushed me into never ending holes, Alice In Wonderland-style. They were usually silent or overpoweringly loud. I could never decide which was worse. It took over a year of therapy to get me to stop being scared shitless. They gave me pills, pills I've had to take for the last 10 years of my life. Pills that sometimes sent me into a spiraling depression, pills that make me hear voices in my mind that constantly argue. Pills that convince me that everyone only cares about themselves, and everyone was against me. I always wondered if they had been doing more harm than good...
I picked my tired body off the floor and looked back in the mirror. I had forgotten to remove the eye shadow and eyeliner, so now it was all smeared and running everywhere. I splashed water onto my face. It was only 8:09 pm, but my mom still wasn't home. I texted her quickly and she replied that she'd be home in an hour. She also asked if I was okay, but I didn't respond. I wasn't okay. I went back to my room and turned my small TV on. The volume was turned way down low, low enough for me to listen to, but not loud enough to disturb me. Light, meaningless noise always calmed me, and it was exactly what I needed now. I opened my drawer and got out the orange, translucent bottle of medicine. Two pills spilled out onto my palm, which I threw into my mouth and chased down with a sip of water. I then collapsed back onto my bed, falling into a fitful yet dreamless sleep.
When I awoke, it was only 7:15 am. I lugged my lifeless body out of bed and pulled on dark blue jeans with the knees worn out. I shuffled around in my closet for a bit before I found an old Smashing Pumpkins shirt. It reminded me of my little escapade with Mr. Way yesterday, making me grin. I reapplied some eyeliner, not as much today though. No eye shadow today- I was still a little fearful of what happened yesterday with the football players. Because my mom wasn't up yet, I decided to skip breakfast and spend time styling my hair. I normally didn't care, but I was still going to see Mr. Way after school today and I wanted to look good (you know, in case if anything happens... *wink wink*) Once I had it perfectly in place, I grabbed my backpack and headed down to the living room.
"Bye Mom! I'll see you after school!" Lord knows if she heard me or not, I was already out the door anyway if she had responded. It was only 8, but I wanted to talk to Ray before we got to school.
Not before long, the old black truck pulled into the drive and I hopped in.
"Hey Ray," I murmured. I wasn't really sure how to word this and still be subtle about it.
"Frank, is something wrong? You just seem out of it. Come on, talk to me buddy. Ya know you can tell me anything..." Should I just come out and tell him? No... it'd be too embarrassing.
"Actually Ray, I need to ask you something..." I instantly regretted even saying something. This was going to be awkward....
Notes
Helllooo again. So this is chapter 5... Sorry if it seems a little dark, I just wanted to incorporate some of Frank's problems in this chapter. Again, not my favorite, kinda filler, but it sets up for the next and later chapters. Should be interesting. Please leave (nice) suggestions and comments below! Thank you all for reading
-xo OfSaintsandSinners
Love it.
1/25/16