Very Much Alive
I Know What I Want
-Gerard's POV- I looked back at Frank still standing in the doorway through my rearview mirror. His look was absolutely priceless. My little Frankie had the sweetest, happy-go-lucky expression on his innocent face. Though I had reasons to believe he wasn't as innocent as he made out, especially after today. Again, I just don't know what came over me that forced me to throw myself at him. He was just so tempting damnit! I really shouldn't be thinking about him as 'mine' yet. I still don't think he's comfortable around me. 'Good, let him be nervous. I hope I make his heart fucking race with anticipation...' The voices in my head could be so malicious and devious sometimes, more so now than before Frank entered my life. God, the way he gets me so damn horny, it's like I'm the hormonal teenager, not the adult. I'm supposed to be in control, but the way he bites down on his lip ring sends me into a frenzy, mainly because I get the image of me nibbling on those perfect lips. I'd love to, believe me, but he keeps acting like a damn prude that I know he's not. I can never tell whether he wants this or not. 'Maybe he's just too afraid to admit his sexuality. That he actually might have fucking feelings. But I wanna change that. I wanna make him scream it out.' My thoughts had to stop, or else I'd get an even bigger problem than I already had. 'To hell with getting caught, to hell with thinking things through. I'm an artist-I'm crazy, spontaneous, and irrational.' I knew exactly what I wanted. And I was going to have it at all costs.
One of the things that stopped me was Mikey. What would he think if he found out? That I, his brother, was having an illicit relationship with his best friend- a student at that. He had almost caught us yesterday, but I don't think he saw anything. Then again, that was only our first meeting, 'Hopefully one of many,' I mentally added. That was partially why I didn't want to tell Frank that Mikey's my brother. How he hasn't figured out that we are is beyond me though.... I wonder how far I would've went yesterday had Mikey not been there to interrupt me. It's not like I would know how far to take it. I act on instinct and that day, my instincts were telling to go after Frank. I don't even know what to do in a normal relationship. I've isolated myself for so long I'd lost touch with the dos-and-don'ts of social standards a long time ago. Ever since Mom and Dad... ever since they... 'Stop, don't think about that. Don't remember, it never happened. Forget. It's just easier. Enough of the pain.' I shook my thoughts away as I neared my home.
I pulled into the driveway of my three story house. It was extremely large for a single person- 6 rooms, 3 bathrooms, an art studio, a den, kitchen and dining area. I had converted one of the bedrooms into a workout room and had a nice garden-y area out back. There were grand double staircases that led to the upper floors. The master bed- room had a balcony that overlooked the city. It was a magnificent house, so vast, so secretive, so... lonely. I stepped out of the car with all my stuff. I shuffled my hand around my pocket for a moment before fishing out the front door key, unlocking it, and stepping inside. Immediately I made my way to the back porch. Smoking always calmed me down, and since I couldn't do that during school, I had to do it right when I got home. I set my binder and papers on the kitchen island to the right of the entrance, then headed between the two staircases to the door that led out back.
In the backyard, there was a swing set left over from the previous owner. It was rusted and falling down but I loved it. It had so much character to it, probably had a million stories to tell about the kids who once played on it. It was like an old friend of mine. The thought always made me smile. I pulled out a cigarette and sat on one of the swings. It had red and yellow paint chipping off, revealing the original wood beneath. I started rocking back and forth slowly, taking long draws of smoke in. It was kind of ironic- I felt like a little kid pretending to be a grown up. It was partially true. I had only grown older, I had never grown up. After exhaling a few draws, I was finally starting to calm down. Sitting there in the swing, rocking back and forth eased my nerves as well. It took my mind away from the real world. All I had to concentrate on in that moment was to keep moving back and forth.
After thirty minutes of rocking and increasing my chances of cancer, I went back inside to start cooking dinner. I hadn't been eating lately-I'd been feeling depressed- but today I finally felt hungry again. A quick inspection of my fridge and pantry indicated that I had nothing to cook, which meant I would need to get groceries over the weekend. I decided on ordering a pepperoni pizza, that way I could eat the leftovers for breakfast and lunch tomorrow. It made me wish Frank was here so I could share all I had with him. I wish I could share it with someone.
I made my way to the leather sectional in my living room and sat down, flipping on the TV. Out of about 3,000 channels nothing was on that looked interesting. I skimmed over my movie collection, settling on the classic Frankenstein. I wasn't sure why, other than it had Frank's name in it, which made it catch my eye. As I inserted the DVD, the doorbell rang-it was the pizza guy. He smiled and did his usual bullshit speech that they have to give to every customer. I gave him a ten, told him to keep the change and he handed me my food. I shut the door, locked it, and headed to the kitchen to find a paper plate and something to drink. 'Coffee sounds nice,' Coffee always sounded delicious to me, almost as delicious as Frank. D-did I just say that?
There was still a little bit left over from this morning, so I heated it up in the microwave and sat back down. I was still in my dress clothes, but I didn't care if I got them dirty-I was hungrier than I thought I was and wasn't going to stop long enough to take them off. I wasn't really paying attention to the movie, it's words only becoming background noise as I ate. Slice after slice, I was finally starting to feel human again. The coffee was wonderful. By that time I drained that glass, I started brewing another pot. It was only about 6:30, but I was really tired. I stopped eating for a minute to unbutton the rest of my shirt and throw it off, replacing it an old Smiths tee. Then off came my slacks and I pulled on checkered pajama bottoms (my favorites). 'Eh, I'll shower tomorrow,' I decided as I laid down on the couch. 'I wish Frank was here with me so we could cuddle...' I wanted him right in front of me, his back pressed against my chest. I would whisper so many dirty things in his ear, make him blush a beautiful shade of rose. I imagined what I would say, how he would respond, what we'd do next... He was the last thing I thought of before drifting to sleep.
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When I woke up again, it was midnight. The movie was well over and playing regular TV now. I sat up, wiping a bit of drool off the side of my face and stretched. It was completely pitch black out, only a few stars visible. I dragged myself off the couch and started the long ascent up the steps to my room. It felt like an eternity of stumbling before I got to the top floor and trudged down the hall. I entered my room and collapsed onto the mattress. I didn't care about brushing my teeth, I could do that later. Right now I just wanted to sleep. Sleep away my demons and enter a dreamworld of my own. To dream of Frank... I didn't even bother to get under the sheets and comforter, I just laid on the top of it all. I stared up at the ceiling for a while. I guess walking up the stairs gave me my second wind, because I felt totally awake now. I contemplated how nice it would be to have a warm body beside me, something to lay my head on. It sounded sappy, but it was true. I'd been alone for the past 5 years of my life and now I had Frank... It wasn't just lust that made me want him. It was loneliness.
One of the things that stopped me was Mikey. What would he think if he found out? That I, his brother, was having an illicit relationship with his best friend- a student at that. He had almost caught us yesterday, but I don't think he saw anything. Then again, that was only our first meeting, 'Hopefully one of many,' I mentally added. That was partially why I didn't want to tell Frank that Mikey's my brother. How he hasn't figured out that we are is beyond me though.... I wonder how far I would've went yesterday had Mikey not been there to interrupt me. It's not like I would know how far to take it. I act on instinct and that day, my instincts were telling to go after Frank. I don't even know what to do in a normal relationship. I've isolated myself for so long I'd lost touch with the dos-and-don'ts of social standards a long time ago. Ever since Mom and Dad... ever since they... 'Stop, don't think about that. Don't remember, it never happened. Forget. It's just easier. Enough of the pain.' I shook my thoughts away as I neared my home.
I pulled into the driveway of my three story house. It was extremely large for a single person- 6 rooms, 3 bathrooms, an art studio, a den, kitchen and dining area. I had converted one of the bedrooms into a workout room and had a nice garden-y area out back. There were grand double staircases that led to the upper floors. The master bed- room had a balcony that overlooked the city. It was a magnificent house, so vast, so secretive, so... lonely. I stepped out of the car with all my stuff. I shuffled my hand around my pocket for a moment before fishing out the front door key, unlocking it, and stepping inside. Immediately I made my way to the back porch. Smoking always calmed me down, and since I couldn't do that during school, I had to do it right when I got home. I set my binder and papers on the kitchen island to the right of the entrance, then headed between the two staircases to the door that led out back.
In the backyard, there was a swing set left over from the previous owner. It was rusted and falling down but I loved it. It had so much character to it, probably had a million stories to tell about the kids who once played on it. It was like an old friend of mine. The thought always made me smile. I pulled out a cigarette and sat on one of the swings. It had red and yellow paint chipping off, revealing the original wood beneath. I started rocking back and forth slowly, taking long draws of smoke in. It was kind of ironic- I felt like a little kid pretending to be a grown up. It was partially true. I had only grown older, I had never grown up. After exhaling a few draws, I was finally starting to calm down. Sitting there in the swing, rocking back and forth eased my nerves as well. It took my mind away from the real world. All I had to concentrate on in that moment was to keep moving back and forth.
After thirty minutes of rocking and increasing my chances of cancer, I went back inside to start cooking dinner. I hadn't been eating lately-I'd been feeling depressed- but today I finally felt hungry again. A quick inspection of my fridge and pantry indicated that I had nothing to cook, which meant I would need to get groceries over the weekend. I decided on ordering a pepperoni pizza, that way I could eat the leftovers for breakfast and lunch tomorrow. It made me wish Frank was here so I could share all I had with him. I wish I could share it with someone.
I made my way to the leather sectional in my living room and sat down, flipping on the TV. Out of about 3,000 channels nothing was on that looked interesting. I skimmed over my movie collection, settling on the classic Frankenstein. I wasn't sure why, other than it had Frank's name in it, which made it catch my eye. As I inserted the DVD, the doorbell rang-it was the pizza guy. He smiled and did his usual bullshit speech that they have to give to every customer. I gave him a ten, told him to keep the change and he handed me my food. I shut the door, locked it, and headed to the kitchen to find a paper plate and something to drink. 'Coffee sounds nice,' Coffee always sounded delicious to me, almost as delicious as Frank. D-did I just say that?
There was still a little bit left over from this morning, so I heated it up in the microwave and sat back down. I was still in my dress clothes, but I didn't care if I got them dirty-I was hungrier than I thought I was and wasn't going to stop long enough to take them off. I wasn't really paying attention to the movie, it's words only becoming background noise as I ate. Slice after slice, I was finally starting to feel human again. The coffee was wonderful. By that time I drained that glass, I started brewing another pot. It was only about 6:30, but I was really tired. I stopped eating for a minute to unbutton the rest of my shirt and throw it off, replacing it an old Smiths tee. Then off came my slacks and I pulled on checkered pajama bottoms (my favorites). 'Eh, I'll shower tomorrow,' I decided as I laid down on the couch. 'I wish Frank was here with me so we could cuddle...' I wanted him right in front of me, his back pressed against my chest. I would whisper so many dirty things in his ear, make him blush a beautiful shade of rose. I imagined what I would say, how he would respond, what we'd do next... He was the last thing I thought of before drifting to sleep.
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When I woke up again, it was midnight. The movie was well over and playing regular TV now. I sat up, wiping a bit of drool off the side of my face and stretched. It was completely pitch black out, only a few stars visible. I dragged myself off the couch and started the long ascent up the steps to my room. It felt like an eternity of stumbling before I got to the top floor and trudged down the hall. I entered my room and collapsed onto the mattress. I didn't care about brushing my teeth, I could do that later. Right now I just wanted to sleep. Sleep away my demons and enter a dreamworld of my own. To dream of Frank... I didn't even bother to get under the sheets and comforter, I just laid on the top of it all. I stared up at the ceiling for a while. I guess walking up the stairs gave me my second wind, because I felt totally awake now. I contemplated how nice it would be to have a warm body beside me, something to lay my head on. It sounded sappy, but it was true. I'd been alone for the past 5 years of my life and now I had Frank... It wasn't just lust that made me want him. It was loneliness.
Notes
Another update in one day! Yay! So I wanted to do something a little different and incorporate a bit of Gerard's home life. More will be explained later... Hope you enjoyed, please leave your comments and suggestions below. Thanks for reading!
-xo OfSaintsandSinners
Love it.
1/25/16