What Happens in High School

Max’s POV *Trigger Warning*

I still couldn’t believe myself. Not only did I play in front of Bob, which was the most nerve wracking thing I’d ever done, but I told him that he made me nervous. Yeah, that’s definitely something you want to hear. If I had a chance with Bob before, it was undeniably out the window now. Why did I even open my mouth in the first place? It was one thing to have Bob listen to me play, but me talking is a totally different story.

Being around guys I liked always made me kind of nervous. I was even shy around Ray for a while when I had a crush on him in the fifth grade, and he was my best friend. But Bob was different, it was worse. I was afraid to talk around him because I was afraid I’d say something stupid. Perfect example: playing for him at the music store. When I did talk to him I tried to keep it pretty light, but on Saturday I don’t know what came over me. He probably thought I didn’t like him or didn’t want to be around him. So not true.

I got ready for school like usual, kicking it off with a phone call. “Morning Ray.” I spoke into the phone at 6:30 in the morning. Ray obviously thought otherwise. “Ugh, no. I don’t want to go to school. Can’t I just stay in my pajamas and play guitar all day?” Ray was not the definition of a morning person. “No, now come on and get dressed, I’ll be over soon.” And with that I flipped the phone closed and went to get ready myself. I took a quick shower and kind of dried my hair before buttoning up my shirt and tucking it into my skirt. Could these uniforms get any uglier?

I looked at the clock that read ‘7:00’ and grabbed my stuff. I looked around my room one last time to see if I was missing anything when it caught my eye. The old case from my spare glasses that I kept my kit in. I hadn’t used it in months and I promised myself, and Ray, that I wouldn’t do it again. But that thought didn’t stop me from going over and putting in my bag. Just in case.

I slipped on my shoes and went downstairs. I yelled a quick goodbye to my parents, where ever they were and headed out the door. When I got to Ray’s I wasn’t shocked to see that, once again, he wasn’t ready. I tied his tie and he tucked in his shirt. After he was finally put together we headed out to go get Bob, something I really wasn’t looking forward to today. Would he bring up the conversation from Saturday?

Ray and I got to Bob’s house just as he walked out. Today he managed to get his tie put on by himself, which relieved me because I didn’t want to have to do it for him. In fact, I really didn’t want to have to see him at all, but I figured that I’d have to get over it eventually. Bob got in the backseat behind Ray and greeted us with a, “Hey guys.” He gave me a quick look in the rearview mirror as he said this. At least I think it was for me. If I wasn’t mistaken, I thought I saw a smile.

We got to school and Ray took off down the hall. Poor kid has to run a marathon just to get to first period. Bob and I walked in silence to homeroom. Saying it was awkward to be around him would be an understatement. The whole day pretty much went like this. I had four classes and lunch block with Bob and I didn’t say a word to him during any of them. I don’t know why I couldn’t just work up my one ounce of courage for the day and talk to him. Just as I started to get mildly comfortable around him I had to go and screw it up.

I was irrationally uncomfortable even being around Bob now and I hated it. It was like going straight back to square one and then taking another ten steps back. It wasn’t even that big of a deal but I just made it worse. I went into the bathroom during my free period and just sat there. I pulled out my kit and opened it up. No, I won’t do it, I thought to myself as I unzipped it and looked inside. There they were, all neat inside their case equipped with alcohol pads and bandages. I hadn’t used them in forever. I hadn’t needed my blades in months. I sat just looking at the silver razors. One from a pencil sharpener, another from a shaving razor. I snapped at my rubber band; a therapy trick I had picked up when I was trying to quit after the first break down. I tried to breathe and think about it for a moment when all of a sudden I was digging.

I didn’t even realize when it happened but it felt so natural. The blade slid smoothly across my skin stinging a little along the way. I went lightly at first then pushed down harder remembering how good this felt. I felt myself let out a deep sigh savoring the pain as the blade ran through my skin leaving a trail of red behind it. The blood started to come up and pool around the cut. The pain took away all my worries and distracted me from reality. That is until it came crashing down again when the bell rang.

I exited the stall making sure no one else was in the bathroom then walked over to the sink. I watched as the water washed away the blood, and my hurt along with it. I quickly put away my kit and dressed my cut letting the alcohol sting one last time before heading to my last class. What have I done? I let myself down, I let Ray down.

I sat in class thinking about my screw up. I hadn’t cut in months and now that chain was broken. I wasn’t proud by any means. I wanted to go back and stop myself from doing it. I’m not even sure why I did it, and that was even more dangerous because now I didn’t know how to help myself. Class dragged on slowly, leaving me to my thoughts and when the day finally ended I went to my locker before meeting Bob and Ray to go home.

“Hey there cutie.” I heard from behind me. I turned around to see Jack Goldman, all-star running back and co-captain of the football team. It wasn’t an official title but he was also the biggest douche in school. He was notorious for being both a player and a womanizer and I couldn’t believe he was talking to me. Every girl in school at some point had even the slightest crush on Jack whether they liked to admit it or not. Mine was freshman year when he first moved here. I quickly and thoroughly got over that one.

Jack stood leaning against the locker next to mine. I shut the door and went to turn when I felt a hand on my wrist. I turned to see Jack standing over me, trying to get me to stay and talk. I didn’t even know why he’d want to, I was nothing special. “Come on Megan, just a quick chat,” he said.

“It’s Max and no thanks.” I felt his grip tighten a little and I tried to free my hand. “Max. Feisty. I like it. What are you doing on Friday, Max?” He emphasized my name in a futile attempt to show that he could actually care. Well it didn’t work. “Sorry, I already have plans.” I tried once more to get away and find Ray but he just wouldn’t let me leave until he got what he wanted.

“Oh, what? Are you going out with your little emo freak boyfriend? What’s his name, Ray? You’re too good for him honey.” What an ass. Everyone in school knew that Ray was practically my brother but every once in a while someone would pull the ‘dating’ card, and it pissed me off. I tried to control my anger as not to make a scene and replied through gritted teeth, “Well he’s better than you.” Jack looked at me shocked like he’d never been talked back to before. “Listen,” he started as someone cut him off.

“No, you listen. If you don’t leave her alone I’m gonna kick your ass, understood?” Bob had come out of nowhere and stood right in between me and Jack causing him to lose grip of my wrist. Jack looked at him with a slightly pissed off and somewhat disappointed look and without a word he walked away. Bob turned to me after a beat and asked, “You alright? Are you… bleeding?” I noticed him look at my wrist at this; the first thing he’d said to me all day.
I looked down to see a small trickle of blood running down my wrist. Shit, what now? I pulled at my sweater’s sleeve to cover my wrist. There was no way Bob would hear about this, about what I’ve done to myself.

“Oh, no I’m fine. Thank you.” I felt uncomfortable again. That was the most chivalrous thing I’d ever seen anyone do in real life, and it was for me. I looked into Bob’s eyes and got lost for a moment as he looked in mine. I could swear to you that even just for a moment, the world stop spinning. I shook off the feeling and said, “Uh, so we should go find Ray.” Bob nodded looking slightly uneasy and we headed out to the lot to find that Ray wasn’t there but his car was. We waited for a few minutes in the uncomfortable silence until Bob said, “Want to just walk?” I nodded and followed Bob.

The first few minutes were a little weird but after a while I figured if there was any time to talk about it, now would be best. “So,” I blurted out and Bob looked over at me. “Saturday, when I said you made me nervous, I hope you didn’t take it personally. It’s just that I’d never played in front of anyone besides Gerard or Ray so it’s not you, it was me.” Wow that was a cliché Hollywood line if I’d ever heard one. Bob smiled and looked back up in front of him. “Don’t worry about it. It’s too bad you feel that way though, you’re really good.” I thought I was going to throw up. Bob said I was good. It was such a small thing to say but it meant the world coming from him. Ray had told me the exact same thing before but this time, I don’t know, it was just different. This time it came from Bob.

I felt the butterflies again but didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing and opted to smile and look down instead. Even though the exchange was relatively awkward, the overall vibe between the two of us was notably more relaxed. We walked for a while longer making small talk about how Bob liked the new school and eventually ended up at his house. When he stopped and turned to me I thought he was just going to say good bye, but I was a little surprised to instead hear him say, “Do you want to come in and hang out for a while?” Of course I wanted to! But I wasn’t going to sound so eager. I nodded and returned an, “Okay.”

Bob led me up to his room which was a little messy but not gross. He had band posters and gig flyers pinned up all around his room. His desk was cluttered with sheet music and about a million pencils. He still had a few unpacked boxes scattered around the floor from when he first came to Jersey about a month ago. I liked his room, it definitely showed Bob’s personality. He sat on his bed and motioned for me to sit on the spinney chair at his desk. I put my bag down next to my feet and tried to make conversation. “I really like your room, lots of character.” Bob laughed as he looked around to see what I saw.“Yeah I guess so. I figured since it was my one corner of the universe I might as well like it. Well it will be, once I finish unpacking.” I’d never thought of it that way before and I liked that Bob had.

“That’s really cool, I always just considered my bedroom to be just that, a room, but your way of thinking makes sense.” That must have been the most I’d ever said to him at one time. It felt good talking to Bob and getting to know him. We talked for about an hour more about random little things in our lives. By the end, I had learned that Bob had started playing drums when he was only four years old and that he had a younger sister named Jessie. I also learned that he used to get into a lot of ‘mischief’ as he put it, gathering various objects around the house and taking out their inside parts to see how they worked. I told Bob about my beginnings as a French horn player and my history as an athlete, starting with gymnastics working my way into karate and ending with my current activity, track. I also felt that this was a good time to mention that Frank was my cousin.

I felt so stupid for having caved before. Sitting here with Bob made me so happy and relaxed, much better than cutting had ever made me feel. I bore a sense of guilt though, knowing that I had let Ray down. I promised I would never do it again, and I had failed. I needed to tell him, but I wasn’t sure how. For now though, I kept my attention on Bob and our conversation.

“I think the drums are such a cool thing to play, I wish I’d chosen to learn that instead of the horn.” I said as our conversation moved onto the topic of music. “It’s not too late.” Bob said raising his eyebrows at me. I gave him an unsure look but he stood up and motioned for me to follow him. “Come on.” He said as he led me downstairs and into his garage where he and the boys had band practice. He closed the door and brought over another stool for me to sit behind the drums with him. He handed me a pair of sticks and said, “How about just some basics. Just try hitting it.” I wasn’t really expecting a drum lesson today but I tried to be a good sport and play along anyway. I awkwardly took the sticks from him, certain I was holding them wrong, and tapped on the drum a little. I laughed at my obvious lack of skill. So did Bob. “No, that was good. You’re a natural.” We joked around and laughed about my drumming skills, or lack thereof, and to be honest, it was really fun.

Bob and I talked on and on and I almost lost track of time. I had to be home to babysit Andrew at 5 so when the time came Bob walked me out and I thanked him for having me over. I kind of wanted to kiss him but I knew it would be too soon so instead I waved as I walked down the street to meet my brother. I reflected on my day as I made my way over to my house. Considering that when the day had started I had no intention of even looking at Bob, I was pretty content with how it had ended. I felt better around him now and actually couldn’t wait to get to talk to him again. I was definitely off square one, and maybe even further than last time.

Notes

Hey, sorry I didn't post last night. Mom and I went shopping and we got back way later than I anticipated and, to be honest, I was so tired that posting just totally slipped my mind.

Also, as you've now been exposed, there is self-harm in this story. It is an area I have a lot of experience in (since I've done it for years and I am now in the process of coming clean to those around me and breaking my nasty habit.) Writing about it is my way of venting out my emotions and getting out the stress that usually draws me to the blade. I apologize for any unwanted feelings this story may bring up, but I will, as I have in this chapter, add warnings before the topic arises.

ANY-HOO This is probably the only story I'll be updating for the next few weeks seeing as I just posted the last chapter of Forever is a Long Time . . . and I am also currently working on FIVE brand spanking new stories that I can't wait to share with all of you!!

In the mean time, enjoy the reading, comment if you like, message me for anything, and I'll see you back again next week (on time!!)