The Only Hope For Me Is You

I look into this person's eyes for a few seconds. We were dangerously close, our noses were just inches away from each other. With hazel eyes peaking at me partially hidden behind a curtain of red hair, we remain like this until I finally realize who this person is and what has just happened. My lower lip starts to quiver as my tears begin to blur my vision. Gerard's facial expression softens almost immediately. He loosens his grip on my wrists. Placing his hands on either side of my torso on the car to push himself off of my chest, still limiting my movement. I start to shake my head as my tears completely distort my sight,

"I'm sorry." I attempt to say, but my voice refused to cooperate with me, resulting in me just mouthing the words as my body began shake with my powerful sobs. Gerard takes my face in his hands, with his thumbs gently wiping away the tears that have fallen onto my cheeks.

"No no no, don't be sorry Frankie you didn't do anything." I grab Gerard by his forearms, removing his hands from my face. I look him in the eyes as I struggle through my sobs to speak,

"Exactly, T-that's why I'm sorry G-Gee. I didn't do anything a-and I should have done something. I'm s-so sorry Gee, so sorry." Gerard furrows his eyebrows and takes my hands in his, pulling me off the car until we are standing in the middle of the empty sidewalk. I stand looking at our hands joined together, hovering between us. Gerard bends slightly trying meet my gaze, I look up through my hair and straight into his confused hazel eyes.

"Frank, what are you talking about?" I sigh heavily and look at our hands again, I can't even remember when was the last time we held hands. Wait no, I do remember. It was when I was severely depressed:

------------------------------------------Flash back; two years prior----------------------------------------------

.. I know I haven’t been myself lately. I know when I look at myself in the mirror I can see the doubt and confusion in my eyes, or at least I interpret it that way. I am unsure of what to do as I watch myself drifting further and further away from my friends. I’m writing this because I find it hard to articulate what is actually going on inside me. My mood shifts on a moment-to-moment basis and although I may appear to be normal on the outside, on the inside I’m being tossed about like a tiny boat on a dark and torrid ocean. I wish I knew how to tell you why I’m feeling depressed but the truth is I don’t fully understand myself. I know at times I feel totally empty, as if every particle of my being has been sucked into a black hole. At other times I feel crushed, my spirit devoid of human warmth, and these are feelings I simply cannot control. I often feel exhausted by the simplest of tasks. My body is heavy and my mind is sluggish. I am unable to respond in ways I used to and I know this frustrates everyone around me because it frustrates me too. This all may seem difficult to understand and I think this is what makes being depressed so hard to deal with. Nothing in my behavior or thinking makes sense to me. I know that makes me hard to understand and sometimes hard to be around, and now I don't want to live anymore. Suicide is the only answer. the only way to rid myself and all of you of this burden. I'm sorry but it has to be this way. I'm sorry to all my friends, I'm sorry to my family. I'm sorry to my fans. And most of all, I'm sorry to my bandmates.

I'm sorry,
Frank

With the letter in my hand, I walk up to my bedroom. I place the letter on my bed as I walk to my closet and take out a shoe box from the top shelf. I walk to my bed as I uncover the top of the box. I sit as I remove the small black handgun and stare at the piece of cold metal. Such a small item, but it can make such a large impact on so many lives.

I place the gun to my forehead, I close my eyes as I feel the cold barrel. I sit emotionless for a few moments and I pull the trigger. I open my eyes, and notice I left the safety on, I can't even do this right.

I tap the gun on my head lightly until I hear thunder. I get up and walk to my window just in time for the rain to start pouring down. As I look out my window I can vaguely make out the tree house in the woods behind my house me and Gerard used to play in when in when we were younger. I don't want to die in this room, I want to die where I was the happiest I've ever been.

I put the gun in the waistband of my pants and snatch the letter off the bed as I run down stairs. Before leaving my house for the last time I tape my letter to my front door. I sprint across my lawn getting soaked by the rain as I head to the woods behind my house. I follow the ribbons I had tied to the trees years ago until I find the tree house. I make my way up the ladder and pull myself up into the house. I crawl cross the floor and sit in the corner with my knees to my chest. I look around and look at all of the aged draws me and Gerard did as children, some were of our names. Some had our favorite childhood superheroes and cartoons. Two special ones caught my eye, I leaned in to get a better view of them. I feel tears forming at the rim of my eyes as I recognize what they were. Two pictures of me and Gerard as superheroes. Fun Ghoul and Party Poison. We swore one day we would save lives. But now, I can't even save my own.

I take the two paintings down and hold them to my chest and I press the barrel to my head again. I break into uncontrollable sobs as I slowly increase pressure on the trigger.

"I'm sorry Gerard, but you won't be saving my life." I continue to cry on the top of my lungs until I hear a faint call. I remove the gun from my head and put my head through the opening in the floor. I quickly pull myself back into the corner when I see who it is.

"Frankie!" No

"Frankie please don't do this!" It can't be

"Frankie!" I stare into a soaked Gerard's red eyes. Still in tears I lunge for my gun.

"Frankie no!" Me and Gerard struggle for a few moments until he grabs the gun and throws it out of the treehouse. I hear the gun hit the nearby trees as it falls to the ground. Enraged and desperate I try to go after the gun but Gerard restrains me.

"Frankie please stop!" I pound on Gerard's chest weakly as I cry out,

"You fucked it up! I just want to die! Why couldn't you just let me die! Just let me end the pain!" Gerard holds me tighter and I stop struggling and allowing him to hold me in his arms as I cry hysterically. "How did you know I would be here?"

"I'm your best friend remember?" That's a valid explanation.

"I love you Frankie, I will never let you hurt yourself. I'll never leave you." He manages to say through his own tears as he takes both of my hands in his while rocking me until I fall asleep in his arms, soaked and exhausted.

---------------------------------------------------End Flashback-----------------------------------------------------

"Frankie?" I shake my head,

"I'm just so sorry Gee." He squeezes my hands tighter,

"Frank, please just explain to what's got you so worked up, let me help Frankie."

"I'm a terrible friend, I'm sorry." He shakes his head and grabs my chin,

"No no no, who told you that? Your the best friend I could even ask for!"

"You don't have to lie to me."

"I don't understand where this is coming from Frankie." I look up at him,

"Stop lying to me, please Gerard. You aren't making this any easier for me."

"I'm not lying, I swear. Your the best this that ever happened to me!" He says, sounding irritated by my vagueness, I close my eyes and take a deep breath,

"If I'm such a great friend, then why do you want to kill yourself?" My question is met by a couple moments of silence. I open my eyes and instantly recoil at the look of rage in Gerard's eyes,

"What did you just say to me?"

Notes

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