The Only Hope For Me Is You

I wipe the tears off my face with the bottom of my palm, making my cheeks sting with the constant rubbing. My chest starts to heave in and out rapidly, and my head feels like it's on fire. Anger immediately replaces my fear. I squeeze my eyes shut and grab two handfuls of my hair and scream as loud as I can. I scream until my lungs burn. I release my hair and bang on the steering wheel,

"FUCK FUCK FUCK!" I start to punch the dashboard, "How didn't I fucking notice he was this bad? I was to busy worrying about my needs instead of his!" I break into tears of frustration , they blur my vision. "All I thought about was me me me, now my best friend wants to kill himself. What am I supposed to do!"

I tilt my head back and allow it to be held up by the head rest. I watch the traffic light change from green, to yellow, then to red. I watched the color changes three times in a row as I sat emotionally drained with tears rolling down my face. I decide to finish driving the rest of the way home. Placing both hands on the wheel, leaving my face stained with tears, I slowly put my foot on the gas until I reach a steady 20mph. I finally pull up in front of my house and hop out of my car. As I start to walk down the pathway leading to my front door my phone vibrates in my pocket. I dig in my back pocket and see who it is, Ray. I swipe the screen and hold the phone up to my face.

"Hey."

I say as I continue walking to my door searching my pockets for my keys. Ray's response is more hostile than I expected.

"Is that all you have to say to me? I called you at least seven times! What's up with you? You were supposed to call me as soon as you brought Gerard home! " Seven times? I remove the phone from my face and check my missed calls, nine. Crap, I put the phone back to my face.

"Uhh, sorry dude. I forgot, he's fine though." Ray's tone changed,

"Woah Frank, you okay? You sound like you've been crying, you want me to come over?" He knows me so well,

"No, I'm fine don't worry about me." I actually did want Ray to come over, but it's too late. I don't want him to go out of his way at 5:20 in the morning.

"Frank, don't try to lie to me. You suck at it. I'm coming over now, I'll be there in a half hour." I put my keys in the lock, unlocking the door and pushing it open.

"No Ray, it's really not necessary. I'm perfectly fine, I'll see you tomorrow. Just get some rest tonight." I hear the roar of Ray's engine through the phone. I lock door behind me and turn on the lights in my darkened house tossing my keys on the kitchen table.

"Cut the crap Iero, I'm coming over now." I roll my eyes and plop myself on my couch.

"Damn you Ray, I said I'm FINE! F-I-N-E, FINE!" I grab my remote and start flicking through the channels.

"Your full of shit Frank, see you in ten minutes." I manage to allow a slight smirk to form on my face.

"Who said I was going to let you in?" Ray's laughter on the other side of the phone made my smirk grow into a slight smile.

"Like I need your permission to get into your house? I know you keep your spare key under your mat for Gerard when he decides to come over." The mention of Gerard caused my previous emotions to surface from where I had buried them a couple of minutes ago.

"Oh." My thoughts were definitely reflected in my tone.

"This definitely has something to do with Gerard, I'm down the block. And I'm NOT leaving until you tell me what happened!" Damn it, I try to act confused in order to cover put my obvious emotions,

"What makes you think this has anything to do with Gerard?"

"Frank, you're horrible at this. You know that right?" I sigh, finally giving in to him and my emotions,

"Yeah, yeah. I know, just get your ass in here already." He chuckles,

"I'm here already, sit tight I'm coming." I see his headlights shine through my living room window as he pulled into my drive way,

"Kay," I hang up and kick off my shoes and fold my legs on the couch, I run my hand through my hair as I think about how I'm going to tell Ray this. I just hope he doesn't cry, because I need him to be strong for me. I smirk and shake my head.

Look at me, just caring about my own needs again. Damn I really need to stop this. My thoughts are interrupted by Ray walking through my living room.

"What's the matter Frankie?" He sits on the couch next to me a places a hand on my back. I turn to look at him, his eyes searching mine for answers, I look down at his feet.

"It's Gerard, he's not doing so good." Ray begins to rub my back in a circular motion.

"Don't worry about it man, he's just gonna barf a bit then have a horrible hangover tomorrow. But it's nothing serious, he'll be fine, don't worry so much kid." I shake my head,

"No you don't get it."

"So would you like to explain it to me? I'm not inside your head I can't read your thoughts dude." Lucky him,

"Gerard isn't right, there's something going on with him."
Couldn't bring myself to say the words,

"Frankie, he's just been drinking a little more than usual. We just got to talk to him about it and it'll be okay," tears start to form on the rim of my eyes.

"NO Ray!" He stops rubbing my back, shocked by my reaction, I turn my head and look him in the eyes, "Gerard is drinking because he's depressed. He wants to kill himself Ray, he wants to end his life!" Ray stares back at me and I see his face change into a look of disbelief, he shakes his head.

"Frank, don't jump to conclusions. Sure his drinking is unhealthy, but don't say things like that. You're just going to scare yourself." My tears are just about ready to overflow and fall down my face.

"Ray your not listening to me, I KNOW this for a fact. I'm not jumping to any conclusions. I was cleaning his room and I found a poem he wrote, it was about his constant battle with depression and contemplating suicide." I can't hold back my tears anymore they start to fall and I put my face in my hands and begin to sob at the thought of my loosing my best friend to suicide. I feel arms wrap around me, Ray rocks me back and forth while rubbing my head. Him comforting me makes me cry even harder. "Why did I let it get this b-bad? I didn't even n-notice what was going on, I w-was too busy worrying about my f-feelings to even see my best friend was self destructing. I'm a h-horrible friend, Gerard had to t-turn to alcohol instead of me because I b-being just a bitch of a friend. This is m-my fault, I caused him t-to get this bad. I'm sorry Ray." Ray pulls me off of him and I feel his firm hands on my shoulders.

"Frank, look at me." I remove my hands from my face and look at Ray's stern eyes. "This is not your fault, don't blame yourself. Don't ever call yourself a horrible friend, because if you weren't a good friend you wouldn't feel so deeply for him in this situation. You are the greatest guy I know, and you can't beat yourself up over this. I know this is hard to see your friend is going through a hard time, but stop dwelling on the past." He shakes my shoulders firmly with the next few words. "You have to pull yourself together, and help him." I wipe my eyes, " take all of these emotions you're having and put it towards helping Gerard. I know you can do it Frank. You're stronger than this, be strong for Gerard." He pulls be back into another hug and he cradles me for a couple of minutes. I'm so drained, I don't think I can cry anymore tears for as long as I live. His steady rocking makes me sleepy. Before falling asleep in my friend's arms I whisper,

"For Gerard." Ray squeezes me tighter and I can hear the smile on his face as he whispers back,

"Yeah, for Gerard."

Notes

Guys, I know it took forever for me to update with a new chapter but the teacher's gave me a shit load of homework, and between school, homework, and afterschool activities I had literally NO time to write this! I really didn't want to update a crappy chapter so I'm terribly sorry. I will be posting at least once a week from now on. Sorry again and I hope this was worth the wait guys. Again, comments are always appreciated!