Precious Metals

I laid in my cot, thinking about the events that unfolded not too long ago. I'd never seen them actually on the wall... How was the wall even standing? How long could we hide, if those things could easily take out an entire squad under thirty minutes? I close my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose between two fingers. My head was throbbing with waves of anxiety and guilt. How could I have let my temper go like that? I showed weakness in front of one of them. I showed them how much I hated them. How much I wished they never happened.

Light, rhythmic knocks echoed through my housing unit, making me jolt up in surprise. I check my wristwatch. 8:42 PM. I shrug off the sense of dread I feel in the pit of my stomach, groaning as I lift myself off of the couch. No one ever came around, except the ‘officials’ who did occasional checks on everyone. Asking how I was feeling, if I had thoughts of suicide, if I felt safe living here, and then checking all of the supplies I had and eventually providing me with new stuff whenever I ran out. It was mandatory to comply with their ‘health checks’, because I was one of the younger generation that survived the fall of the Old World. I got the feeling that they thought I was going to leave and venture out. It was quiet. I cautiously looked through the peep-hole. Jamia’s face appeared, smiling and waving shyly up at the door. I shook my head, concealing the tiny smile that found its way onto my lips as I unlocked the door, letting her step through. She still had on her ‘uniform’, dried blood still clinging stubbornly to random patches.

“Hi dork.” She said teasingly, lightly punching me in the arm as she walked by carrying a large duffel bag. I raised an eyebrow, clicking the door shut.

“What the hell is all that?” I ask tiredly, pointing to the greenish-grey bag as she set it down next to the cot.

She smiled, leaning down and unzipping the bag. No doubt, she was a very pretty girl, but I never saw her as something more than friends. She was smarter than she really ever let on, and always one step ahead of everyone else. She called it intuition, which was probably the reason she even bothered to come and see me. After digging through the bag, she pulled out a couple of large glass bottles of amber liquid. Whiskey. My eyes widened as she set them down on the floor, taking a seat. Jamia patted the spot next to her, beckoning me to come and sit. I skeptically shuffled over, sitting dumbfounded as she pushed a bottle into my hands. The liquid sloshed back and forth in its container, tempting, as my mouth suddenly felt dry.

“Jamia… Why?” This must’ve cost her at least half of her rations for the month!

She just blinked, her eyes boring into mine. She knew. She always did, almost as if her eyes could see the wheels turning in my head, spewing out the thoughts and scenes that ran through my head. Jamia and I just clicked, nearly inseparable when we finally did meet up after a month or so of isolating ourselves. She was truly one of the very few friends I’ve ever had. “Because I don’t want you to worry, at least for one night.” I scowled, my resolve slowly crumbling. I felt my lip quiver a bit, but no, I wasn’t ready to cry. Not in front of anyone, including her, in my right state of mind. The bottle felt heavy in my hands. I knew it would make me feel better if I just accepted it, instead of pushing myself even further. I was close to breaking down again, I could feel it.

“Come on Frank, I know you’re hurting… I don’t want to see you like this… I know you still hurt, and I know after today it’s hard to keep fighting yourself and what you feel, so please? Please, just give yourself a fucking break. Let’s have fun for once!” She said, nudging me lightly before going back to the bag and pulling out a battery operated radio and CD player and a few old disks.

She popped one in, opening up her bottle and taking a gulp. Her face scrunched up as it burned its way to her stomach. I sighed, glancing down at the bottle one more time. I’m sorry Gee, but I need a break from this… It hurts too much, and you wouldn’t want me hurting, would you?

As usual, I got no response to my silent pleads and prayers, but what could I expect? I know he wouldn’t approve of me drinking, but I also knew he wouldn’t want me hurting myself the way I have been. It is the way it is. I smiled up at Jamia as some random, strangely familiar song began playing, and she swayed her hips to the beat coolly as she held bottle in one hand. I twisted the cap off, sealing my lips around the edge, drinking in deeply. Fuck, I missed this feeling. I felt excited as my tongue burned from the alcohol. I was one step closer to the bliss I wanted. From the nothingness and peace that I thirsted for. I swallowed down a few more ounces of harsh whiskey, standing up and swaying in unison with Jamia. It started to feel good. My heart was loud in my ears, becoming synchronized with the beat of the beat that thrummed from the little scratched up green radio.

Sip after sip, I began feeling the effects of the drink becoming stronger. It was like warm was slowly trickling into my veins, whispering sweet-nothings to my overworked body and my broken mind.

The bottle was half empty as the ninth or tenth song began playing. My lips felt tingly, and I couldn’t feel the pain in my side anymore. I was numb all over. And it felt deliciously good, like I was being cradled and caressed by the heated air around me. I swung my body more fervently, desperate to get this awestruck feeling out that was bubbling inside of my chest. I don’t care about anything… This whole city, the entire damned and crumbling world doesn’t matter in the slightest inkling. I giggled, stumbling onto the bed and dragging Jamia on top of me. Her pupils were huge, blown up, drowning out their usual bright color. She held her bottle next to my head, and I slid mine to rest on the floor. God, she was beautiful. Even more so, in the dim yellow lighting of the room. I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, a smile crawling up to reach my eyes. I found myself staring at her, examining every inch of her face. Trailing from her wide almond shaped eyes, to her lightly freckled nose, to her pouting, downward turned lips. Why was she unhappy?

I stroke her soft jaw, frowning. “What’s wrong Jamia?” I slur.

Jamia pulls her eyes away from mine, biting her lip. Her frown only deepened as Sea of Love began playing quietly in the background. Come with me, my love…

Oh… Visions of Gerard swam past my vision. His happy laugh rang in my ears, and I could’ve sworn that he was here. I blinked harshly, squeezing my eyes shut as tightly as possible and trying to drown out all sound, trying to concentrate enough to grip what was really happening. The alcohol was drowning out my senses, diluting them.

“Frank?” My eyes shot open. No way… No fucking way… This… This can’t be real… My brain was telling me otherwise. Gerard’s long black hair was hanging down, tickling my face. His beautiful emerald-amber eyes staring through me. I gaped up at him, mouth opening and closing like a fish. He smiled down at me giggling that sweet, seductive giggle that I had always treasured. Tears pricked my eyes as I reach my hand up, brushing his ivory skin. He’s real… Happiness bubbled in my gut, along with other more overwhelming sensations. He looked so fucking perfect.

“Gee…” I whisper, completely in shock. “How?....” The words I long the most to say won’t even manage to reach my tongue, only surfacing as a tiny whimper of relief, joy, and sorrow. Like a lost, broken animal.

His hand cupped mine, pressing it closer to him, still smiling almost on the verge of tears. “It doesn’t matter, baby. I missed you so much…”

Tears leaked from the corners of my eyes as I pull him down to me, tasting his soft, sweet lips as my eyes clamped shut. I pressed my lips hard against him, gripping his thick hair tightly. I couldn’t get enough. I breathe in his scent, the heavy aroma lingering on my tongue. I hummed with joy.

Suddenly I felt a sharp sting on my left cheek. His lips were no longer pressed against mine, and his comforting weight had also vanished. I opened my eyes, bolting up in shock. What the hell was that for? I scanned around the room, eyes darting frantically in search of him like a lost child. Jamia was pressed into a corner, face scrunched up in pain, one hand covering her mouth.

“Oh my god… Jamia!” Guilt pooled in my stomach. I hung my head, fingers knotting in my hair, tugging. I’m such a fucking idiot! Tears leaked out of my eyes before I could stop them. My heart was slowly crushing itself inside of my chest and my head was throbbing. What have I done?.... I felt a weight on the bed next to me. I couldn’t bring myself to lift my head to face her. I’m so stupid… I thought…he was really here… I sniffed, sighing in defeat. “I’m sorry…. I’m so fucking sorry, Jamia…. I-I didn’t mean to. I thought-“ My chest swelled in pain. “I thought you were-“ I broke down, crying into my hands, unable to finish. I felt her small hand wrap around my shoulder, pulling me closer, shushing me. It made me cry even harder. I’m such a fucking fool… Gerard had been the only one to see me fall apart like this, and the only one to pull the pieces back together and keep me sane. I need him… I sob at the thought, aching from the inside out.

“It’s okay, Frank. It’s alright,” Jamia stroked my hair. A tiny whimper escapes my lips. What am I without him? What can I be?

“….And I… Wanna tell you…How much… I love you…”

The song ended, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth.

Notes

The song that was playing was Sea of Love by Cat Power. Really lovely song <3