Give Me a Reason to Believe

Over the next couple of days I stayed in my room as usually only I wasn't reading. I was learning as much as I could about MCR. I guess you could say it became a kind of obsession of mine. I always had their music playing in the background to, it was loud but not too loud that it would annoy the Way's.
I had managed to kind of come to terms with the idea that they were famous. The idea that they even adopted me for publicity crossed my mind but I quickly buried it. If that had been the case I'm sure newscast people would be in the yard and it would be all over the news but it wasn't. I think they truly wanted to help me, if that's even possible.
Every so often I would look at the letter to my sister and what was in it. It contained almost everything I had ever felt since the incident. I left out a lot of emotions but it made no difference she'd never see it.
As much as part of me wanted to sent it I couldn't. When she left she left nothing that could help me. No mailing address, no money to make sure I was ok. All she left were a bunch of empty promises. A load of good those promises did. I hadn't really thought about her since I moved. She probably didn't even know I was adopted. If she did I'm pretty sure she didn't care. She stopped caring a long time ago. It didn't mean that I stopped caring though. I cared too much. She's the reason behind who I am today.
"Charlotte dinners ready." Lindsey said knocking on my door.
I quickly shut off the music and opened the door to my room. I was stopped short as someone blocked my way. It was Bandit. She was sitting one the floor looking up at me, clearly waiting for me to open the door.
"Hi." She smiled looking up at me.
"Hi...why are you sitting on the floor?"
"I'm waiting for you." She replied standing up."You play daddy's music a lot."
"I like it."I admitted as she grabbed my hand and led the way to the kitchen.
Only she was allowed to touch me, and that privilege only extended to my hand. She was also the only one I didn't mind having to talk to. She was so innocent and I didn't want to ruin her with my bitterness towards her. I felt if I kept pulling away from her she'd eventually grow bitter towards me and that would just taint her. She was so full of life. It was rare that you wouldn't hear get laughter somewhere in the house.
"What's for dinner?" I asked.
"Spaghetti."She smiled a toothy smile.
"Yum." I smiled.
"Charlotte could please call Gerard"Lindsey asked as she set the table."He's in the family room.
"I'll be right back."I said looking down at Bandit.
"What are you doing?"I asked as I entered into the family room. "Lindsey told me to tell you dinner's ready."
"Reading through fan mail. I'll be there in a minute."he said setting the letter he was reading to the side."Listen Charlotte, I get you don't like us very much. And that ok, we're not gonna force you to. We'd rather you not like us than resent us completely."
"I'm still it sure how I feel about you and Lindsey. I like Bandit enough though."
"I'm glad."he smiled.
"Do you read them all?" I asked scanning the mail.
They were all various sizes and colors. Some were packages and others letters. They were in some sort of order that I couldn't really figure out. There were about 5 different stacks of letter and packages on the coffee table and some next to him on the sofa. It was a lot of mail.
"Yeh. I read and keep them all. They remind me of one of my greatest accomplishments in life."
"What are your other ones?"
"Marrying Lindsey and being the best father I can be to Bandit."he smiled opening another letter.
Attached to it was a picture and scribbled on the back were the words 'thank you.' The girl looked no older than me. She had a noticeably beautiful smile but there was an obvious mix of pain and strength in her eyes. I wondered if that was what they saw in my eyes. It mesmerized me.
"Only three accomplishments?"I commented eyes still glued in the photo.
"I don't know. I'm sure there've been more. Everyone of these letters represents one. The accomplishments that have changed my life in the best possible way are a different story. Of those I've only had three, I'm in the process of a fourth."
I didn't say anything but continued to watch as he read an opened countless letters. At random moments his face would go somber but then a minute later he would smile and move on the the next one.
"Why did you stop anyways?"
"Stop what?"
"The band. You loved it, you love it."
"Keeping it alive wouldn't have been a wise choice. In the moment it seemed like the most important thing in the world, but things change. You just have to learn to let some things you love go."
"That's bull shit."I whispered attempting to stay calm. All these emotions had suddenly surface and angry boiled inside me.
"Excuse me."he said with wide eyes looking up from another letter.
"That's bull shit. How can you claim to love something but then just let it go. It's complete and utter bullshit!"I screamed as I threw all the fan mail off the coffee table and onto the floor."How can you just let it go? Did you bother to think how it would affect other people like your fans? The lot of them were completely torn apart! You were their fucking sanctuary! Their fucking sanctuary! They're gonna hate you so much for leaving them! They're gonna fucking hate you so much if they don't already! When the world let them down and was cruel you were there to pick them back up and you just let them down again!
"They fucking loved you and some still do and all you have to say is 'some things you just let go.' No! I refuse to believe that! You were their reason to keep leaving and you left them! For most you were the only reason they're still alive and now you're not there! Now they have nothing to hold onto anymore! Their reason to keeping fighting abandoned them! You left them all alone to face things by themselves! Do you know how fucking terrifying that must be?"It was at that moment I realized I was no longer just yelling at Gerard.
"If you truly loved them you should have fucking fought! How do I fucking know you won't leave me too? You've left things you claim to love before how do I know you won't do it again! Saying you love it isn't enough. You have to fight to never let it go! You have to hold into it! You have to prove you fucking love it!! Letting go is proof you don't care enough! Why don't you care! You fucking promised you'd stay! Why don't you fucking care!"
Gerard got up and walked towards me. I screamed continuing to throw the fan mail around like a mad man. Gerard stood in front of me and grabbed hold of both my hands. He carefully took the letters of out them and tossed them to the side before attempting to wrap his arms around me. I fought back immediately by hitting him repeatedly with my fists but he didn't seem fazed
"You fucking promised you would always be there. You promised they would never be alone! You fucking promised they never had to deal with it alone! What's wrong with you! Why didn't you fight!
Gradually my screams became sobs and the hitting eventually stopped as I gave into his hug. I covered my eyes with my fists as I cried.
"Why didn't she fucking fight! She said she fucking cared! Why didn't she fight! She said she fucking cared! She's a liar! Why didn't she fucking fight."
"Shh shh. It's ok."he whispered rubbing my back."It's ok. We're not going anywhere. That's one promise I'll never break."
"She promised me. She promised." I cried into his shoulder.
He was the first person who's hug I didn't stiffen at. I completely fell apart in his arms and cried even after there were no more tears left. All the pain and anger I had felt over the past 10 years had finally taken over and I had no control. I stood in his arms completely vulnerable, he was the only person to ever see me like this.
Only god knows how long it was until I finally hugged him back. When I did he loosened his grip on me a little, clearly as surprised as I was. He decided not to question my action but instead took it as the opportunity to hug me tighter. I let him be there for me. I let him comfort me. Which, to be honest, I didn't really mind. I needed it after all these years. I just needed someone to be there for me, to assure things would be ok and actually mean it. I needed it and now I had it.

Notes

Please don't hate me for the little rant Charlotte goes on. And please don't think it's how I felt after the break up, it's not. It was an opinion I thought of.
also thank you for reading, it means a lot to me. It really does. It makes me feel like I do have a voice. :)
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