The only Hope

Hope’s pov:

I had been sobbing in the barn for hours and the tears kept coming. Luckily there was no one there.

I thought about my father a lot. How he used to train me and tell me stories about four fabulous guys in the desert. I had completely forgotten about that… But now I know who he had meant.

I never knew my mom though, she died years before I was even able to remember things... I wasn’t mad about that, I had my dad. He was my everything.

But still… Especially now, I started do doubt things. Did my mom really die of a heart condition, like my dad used to tell me or was that also a lie? It felt like my whole life was based on lies, I felt like crap…

Then the barn door opened a bit. I immediately hid behind a stack of hay as I heard the footsteps come closer.

I closed my eyes, hoping no one would find me here… I preferred being on my own now…

I opened my eyes again and now Gerard was standing right in front of me. He scared me a bit and I wanted to scream, but he had put his hand over my mouth before I could.

“Shhh, it’s okay. Just, please don’t run away from me anymore…” He lowered his hand and sat down in the hay.

“How did you find me?” I hissed. I was still kind of angry, but at least he showed he cared.

“Well, haystacks don’t bleed… Can we talk now?” Oh great, I forgot to clean up last time I was here…

I actually didn’t want him here, but it was getting dark and my legs didn’t feel like moving anymore… I was so tired. Eventually I nodded.

“Good. First of all: how are you holding up? Need any help? Ask me anything, I know today has been a bit of a rough day for you and I’m really sorry about before…”

I interrupted him. “I’m fine. Believe me, it might not look that way, but this is just my way of grieving and getting over things… In a couple of days I’ll be the old me again, sort of…” The old me was dead and I knew it, but the rest was true.

“I know, you’re strong enough to pull that off. That’s not what I’m worried about.” He smiled and looked at his hands.

“Then why are you here?” I looked straight at him now and he looked back when I spoke.

“Because of my question earlier. I didn’t get an answer. Hell, I didn’t even get the chance to ask my question!” He smiled, but I couldn’t fix a smile on my own face.

Oh, right. Shit. The question.

Although I didn’t really remember much – Korse drugged me and after that I sort of repressed the memories – I still found it hard to talk about her.

“I’m not sure you even deserve an answer after you made me feel betrayed again…” I muttered.

Gerard sighed. “Hope, please…” I looked directly into his hazel eyes. They were sad and sort of telling me ‘sorry’. “Who is she, your little girl?”

“You mean was.” Gerard sat back a little and waited for me to start telling the story.

I sighed. “Fine… I had been in that building for over a year and as you know, I told you, Korse started… Treating me differently the last six months… At first he just started touching me, but at the end of the first month he actually…” I swallowed. Gerard nodded like he understood what I meant. “A couple of weeks after that I started to get nauseous and… Well, you know the drill… I was pregnant. When Korse found out he treated me like a princess, like I was holding his most precious possession, but that didn’t last long… A couple of months later I started to get cramps and soon after…”

I was holding back tears now and Gerard knew it. He placed himself next to me and held my hand. I let him, but I wanted to skip this part of the story.

“The baby didn’t survive.” Tears started coming down my face now, again… “I’m sorry if it doesn’t make any sense to you, it’s still a vague memory… But one doctor was allowed to visit me. He told me I had been too young and too stressed to have a child, but Korse wouldn’t have that. He shot him and for a second, I thought he was going to shoot me… Looking back now, I wish he did. The rest of the time I was there Korse became really violent towards me, like it was my fault the baby had died. He kicked me daily, he tortured me and…” I was sobbing now, Gerard kissed my forehead. “God, I hate him!”

We remained silent for a while and I calmed down, still thinking about her.

“The doctor… Before he got killed… Told me she didn’t survive… Gerard, it was a little girl!” He pulled me towards him and I sobbed in his jacket. “She had every right to live, but not with that piece of shit! She didn’t deserve to die, he did!”

I clenched to his jacket as he whispered. “Yeah, I know what you mean…”

Suddenly I realized something. Of course he knew what I was talking about… He lost his mother. I had a flashback: Gerard, completely confused and destroying himself, yelling at me. That his mom had the right to live, just like… My little girl. I wiped away my tears and felt myself calm down again. Conclusion: Gerard and I feel exactly the same way about Korse… He had to die.

My thoughts got interrupted by Gerard’s eyes. His face was really close to mine and before I knew it he leaned in.

“Wait.” I suddenly moved away from him. It didn’t feel right.

Gerard got the hint and looked down. I think he clearly remembered me hitting him… Oh god, he looked so disappointed. I took his hand in mine, he seemed surprised now.

“Look, it’s not you, okay? It just… Doesn’t feel right, I don’t know.”

He nodded as I faked a smile. I felt so sorry for him, but I just couldn’t kiss him. I thought about all the bad things that were a result of our previous intimate moment… The tables were turned: now I was the one who didn’t want to get too attached.

Notes