We're not okay

Gerard was the first person I noticed. Yet he was the last one out if the house. Everything about him was perfect. From the way he looked in his uniform to the style he had his hair. Everything about him screamed 40's soldier.
We all filed in Lizzy's house and automatically began taking photos. We took individual ones, couples ones and finally a group one. I love the group to pieces but I must admit. My couple photo with Gerard came out the best. If in that moment you threw us in the 1940s, we would have fit in perfectly.
"You look great."Gerard said as we began walking down the street.
"I know."I smiled.
"Wow, look who's conceited now."he teased.
"Well,"I began."I've heard it said so many times that I believe it for once."
Gerard looked at me like he was trying to figure something out but after a few minutes gave up. For once, his staring didn't make me feel uncomfortable though. At every house we went to, we had a specific order. We went up in the order we were dressed. Alex and Alice first for 20s, Gerard and I for 40s, Mikey and Lizzy for 50s, Frank and Brooke for 70s and finally Ray and Jess for 80s. A lot of the houses caught on to our theme and were thoroughly impressed. We received compliments at almost every house.
"And I take it you're the 40s?"The house owner asked as Gerard and I approached the door.
"Yes." I smiled.
"You both look absolutely adorable. Are you dating?" I awkwardly shook my head and walked away.
"Not yet."I heard Lizzy laugh from behind us.
"Well that was....strange."Gerard admitted as he put his candy in my bag.
He had forgotten to bring a bag of his own so I offered to let him put it in mine. We both agreed I'd take the candy to school tomorrow for us to split. Countless times he had already offered to carry the bag for me because he felt bad. I thought it was cute how thoughtful he was.
"Very strange."I agreed. We walked in silence for a while. I wanted to say something but I feared I'd say something completely stupid and in return he'd think I was stupid. I figured I'd wait and hope he said something. Fortunately he did.
"You seem really relaxed right now." He observed as we crossed the street.
"What do you mean?"
"We'll I've know you for only three days, and in that three days I've noticed a lot. Usually you aren't really a part of the group. I mean you're there, but not really there. I don't know what it is, but right now...you just seem like you're all here."
"That's because I drank a little before I came. Drinking helps me forget a lot of stuff I don't really want to remember."I explained.
"I do that too."he responded quietly. "It just easier to drink away my problems than actual deal with them. It's just a bitch when you're sober, because they all come back to bite you."
"Yup." I nodded. "especially when you did shit you regret, while trying to forget."
"Like what?" Gerard asked turning."I mean I know what I regret but what do you have to regret."
"Lots. You know how Brooke always has her parties?"Gerard nodded and I continued."Well at on of them there was this guy named Nick. You know, I was having a really bad day and I just wanted to forget everything for a while so I got drunk. I actually got more drunk than usual. It was just terrible, it was like I didn't have control of what I was doing. In the mists of my drunkenness I was swimming in a pool...with Nick. I'm just glad someone separated us before I lost my virginity in a pool.
"I woke up the next morning still at Brooke's house with no clear memory of what happened the night before. All I remember was Nick, but I couldn't remember if someone separated us or not. Gerard, you have no idea how terrified I was. It was just awful. That's the one major major mistake I've made while drinking. It only made things worse rather than better."
"Wow."Gerard whispered as we approached another house. I felt a knot in my throat and attempted to stop the tears from coming. It was not easy, but I managed it before Gerard could look at me. He continued looking at me with the soft eyes, the ones I had noticed on the first day I met him.
"How are you doing now?"He asked.
At this point we has kind of separated from the group. Well it was more we had fallen behind. They were about 2 houses in front of us but none of them seemed to notice our absence, which was ok with me. It left me time to Gerard. He was so easy to talk to, I felt I could tell him anything, yet I barely knew him. He was the first person I had told about Nick. The only other people that knew, were the ones who were there. And that was only the group.
"Better...I think."
"You think."He repeated confused. and I nodded.
"What of you regret?" I whispered so low I wasn't completely sure if it was understandable.
Gerard stood quiet and part of the thought he didn't hear me. I considered repeating my question but that thought was washed away when he spoke moments later.
"Everything. Everything I've ever done that hurt someone else." I looked up and him.
He laws staring straight ahead and looked so sad. Part of me wanted to hug him and assure him everything was going to be ok but I couldn't. How could I assure someone everything was going to be alright when I couldn't even believe it, I thought to myself. Instead I stood silent as we walked. By this time the group had noticed our absence and was waiting for us to join then but I really didn't want to. I want to it to be only Gerard and I. I wanted to comfort him and somehow make him feel safe. Safe, a feeling I still hadn't really known.
"It's already gonna be 11. Do you guys want to start heading back?"Lizzy asked when we reached a bus stop. We had been trick or treating for a total of 3.5 hours and my feet hurt like a bitch. Not only that but aside from my conversations with Gerard, Alice kept teasing me about him.
"Yeh. I got to be home by midnight."Ray said.
"I can walk home from here."I said. "It'll only take me about 10 minutes."
"I'll walk you."Gerard suddenly said as Mikey got wide eyed."I live on that side too.Mikey you'll have to walk back to Lizzy's with then so you can get the car."
Mikey nodded in awe at the fact he was being abandoned by his brother. I stood awkwardly between them as Mikey gave him the 'seriously dude' look. Gerard then responded by giving him an almost pleasing look, as if he was trying to get Mikey to understand him. Either way I knew I was walking home so I began to exchange goodbyes with everyone.
"So umm...are you coming?" I asked after saying goodbye to everyone but him.
"Yeh. Lead the way." He smiled.
"You know you didn't have to walk me."I commented as we crossed the street onto our side of the boulevard.
"I know but I live on this side too. Saves me and you time. Did you have fun."
I pondered how to answer his question. I did have a lot of fun but I wasn't sure how to tell him. It wasn't that I had fun because we were trick or treating, but because I was with him. "Yeh I did. A lot of fun actually. Did you?"
"I had more fun than I thought I would. It was mainly because I had the best partner." I blushed.
I was beginning to believe that this blushing around him was going to be a usual thing. It was something I could get used to though. The remainder of the walk we talked about random stuff. Music, movies colors etc. it was pretty interesting.
"Well this is me."I announced as we stood outside my gate. "I really appreciate you walking me."
"No problem." He said giving me a toothy smile and closing the space between us."I'll see you tomorrow."
He hugged me and I hugged him back. I was going to pull away but he just held on tighter. So I rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. Finally he pulled away and began walking down the block. I stood outside my gate watching him until he was out of sight.
That night when I went to sleep....I had no nightmares.

Notes

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