Heartbreaker Records

Mikey and Frank’s eyes both darted up to meet mine when I stepped back into the kitchen. They were both scowling. I had heard some low, harsh mutters carry down the hallway, but I couldn’t make out what they were saying. A thick tension still hung in the air.
“Frank, your clothes are dry.” I smiled at him. His scowl was replaced by a warm grin. He grabbed the warm laundry out of my hands.
“I’ll go change then.” He disappeared down the hall towards the bathroom.

Mikey shot me a confused look. I pulled a bag of coffee grounds out of the cupboard.
“We uh… got in a water fight.” I shrugged.
“Since when are you hanging around Frank?” Mikey always cut to chase when it came to this subject. His voice was low and serious.
“Since… you helped him get a job at the record store I work at.” I shot back, slamming the basket of ground beans into the machine.
“I thought you two could be friends again… I didn’t think you would jus-”
“Can we talk about this later, Mikes?” I whispered. I didn’t want Frank to hear any of this.
“Just don’t forget what he did to you…” Mikey muttered under his breath.
I pushed the big button, steaming water spilled through the grounds, the smell of the beloved caffeinated liquid filled the room.

Frank strolled in through the doorway, sliding on his sweatshirt. The dryer had tightened his pants ever so slightly. Tightened them in… all the right places. I shook my head, not wanting to eye-fuck him too much in front of Mikey. The sensation of his lips on mine lingered. I sighed, sadly. Mikey glared at me.

I poured 3 mugs of coffee. Mikey made his way to the fridge to get out the cream. I took my coffee black - Frank used to take his black back in the day. Mikey poured a generous quantity of sugar into his coffee. I wanted to make a joke and ask him if he wanted a little coffee with his sugar but he still seemed tense.

Frank sipped his coffee delicately. Mikey chugged his, death-glaring Frank. Maybe I was misperceiving things, maybe Mikes was just in a band mood?

“I have some errands to run.” Mikey announced, setting down his empty mug. “Gerard. Call me later. Please.” He made his way out of the kitchen, nearly slamming the door on his way out. I walked over to Frank and wrapped my arms around his waist, gently kissing his cheek.

“Maybe I should get going, too.” Frank said flatly, sipping his coffee.
“You don’t have to...” I whispered, absentmindedly. I was not keeping my cool at all.
He smiled. “Gerard, I really do have to go.” He insisted, dodging my lips.
He set his mug down and headed for the door. I followed him. An anxiety rose up in me. What if he didn’t come back? What if I never saw him after this? I tried not to panic.
He pulled the door open. I grabbed his hand and pulled him into a hug.
“Please stay.” I mumbled into his shoulder.
“I don’t want to fuck things up this time, Gerard.” He whispered into my ear. He only used my full name when he was stressed out. “I want to take things slow with you. I want you to know how much I care… how sorry I am.”
I leaned in to kiss him, he allowed it, kissing back weakly.
“Can I give you a ride home, at least?”
“I’ll just see you at work, ok?” He said softly, smiling a heartbreaking smile.
He slid out of my arms and disappeared into the night.

I closed my door and collapsed on the couch. I had just had a cup of coffee but I was completely exhausted. I needed to call Mikey. I hesitantly pulled his name up in the contacts list and pushed call.

“Gerard?”
“Hey Mikes. What’s up?” I asked, pretending I didn’t know exactly what was up.
“Are you alone?” He asked.
“Yeah, I am... Frank just left.” I sighed.
“Look, I’m sorry if I freaked out. You just have to be careful around Frank. He’s in a pretty dark place right now, Gee. I’d hate for him to pull you into it.”
“What do you mean?”
He paused. “Well… He’s separated from his wife. He hasn’t even mentioned the word ‘divorce’ to me. And he’s mixed up in drugs… Look, I don’t want to talk shit about him cause I know you love him, but just be careful. Remember that he’s not the dude that left you at band practice all those years ago. A lot has changed.”
I wanted to be mad at him, but I knew he was right. It had been a long time.
“I’ll be careful...” I mumbled.
“Good... I just don’t want to see you hurt like that again, Gee.”
“I have to go.” I said, feeling sick suddenly, hanging up.

I closed my eyes to fight the dizzy nausea. My emotions were making me physically ill.

I pulled him onto my lap and gripped his hips. We were in the back seat of his car outside of a mutual friend’s record-release party.
“Geeeeee…” he moaned as I sucked hungrily on his neck. His fingers fumbled with the buttons on my shirt.
I paused. “I want to tell the band about us…” I said.
“What do you mean ‘us’? We can’t tell them about this. Ever.” His words stung more than he meant for them to. He pushed his lips against mine in attempt to end the discussion. I pushed him away from me gently. We’d been putting it off for too long.

“I wish you were mine...” I whispered sadly.
“I want to be.” He whispered, lips grazing my cheek. “You know I do. But think about what it would mean for the band. I mean maybe someday, Gee, but for now...” he trailed off.
“I don’t want to wait. I want to be with you.”
“Gerard, you know we can’t.” I wanted to cry. He tried to kiss me again, I pulled back.
“But Frank… I…” My voice broke.

“Don’t say it.” He pleaded.

“Frank Iero, I fucking love you. I’m in love with you. I don’t care who knows about it.”
“You’re not thinking straight... We’ve had a lot to drink.” He whispered sadly.
“Tell yourself whatever you need to.” I spat. “I know what I want. I want you. I always have.”
We sat there in silence for a long time.
“I love you, too.” he said softly, leaning in to kiss me again.

I must have drifted off to sleep. I woke up on the couch in the middle of the night. I rolled onto my side, staring into the room. I hugged a pillow tightly. Frank’s wallet was sitting on the coffee table.

Wait…
Frank left his wallet here? It was almost 3am but he was probably awake. I could call him and let him know I was coming? No. I wasn’t going to stay. Just drop it off and leave.

It might have been logical to just give it to him at work tomorrow but I wanted to see him now. I pulled on my coat and shoes and headed out, leaving the lights on.

As I drove to his place I started to question myself. What if he got mad at me? He couldn’t be mad. He loved me. Or at least, he said he did. I was just doing him a favor, right?

I pulled into the parking lot of his building and made my way up to his floor. I stood in front of the door, about to turn around and go home. My hand tingled. Begging me to knock on the door.

I reached my hand up, pausing in front of the rippled wood. I tapped softly.
The door creaked. I pushed on it gently, it swung open a foot or two.

“Frankie?” I called out. “.... Frank? It’s Gerard! You forgot your wallet at my apartment.”

There was no response. Maybe he wasn’t home and someone had broken in? Terror rose up inside of me. What if someone had broken in and hurt him?

“Frankie!?!?” I pushed the door open and stepped inside.

Notes

nothing to say, for now.
i'm kinda zonked.

-saaad girl