Heartbreaker Records

“I wanna kiss you so bad...” he said, barely loud enough for me to hear.

That was an invitation if I had ever been given one. I leaned in. My lips were inches from his. I stared into his beautiful eyes.
“Frankie….” I growled under my breath, tightening my embrace.
My emotions were a bloody battle inside of me. He was here, in my arms. I had dreamed of this for over a decade.
But I knew better, I knew what he was capable of. I could wake up tomorrow to find him engaged to some girl I didn’t know about. This was a mistake. It was too good to be true. It had to be.

He held his breath as we inched closer together.
“I can’t do this...” I sighed, letting go of him and pulling away.
“Why?” he demanded, reaching for my hands.
“Because I can’t lose you all over again. What you did destroyed me... I don’t ever want to feel like that again...” I felt tears well up in my eyes. My heart was racing. It was getting harder to breathe.
He hugged me tightly and buried his face in my chest. I couldn’t bring myself to hug him back. This was too painful. What was I doing here? I started to panic.
Everything considering, I needed a drink.
“Gee... I’m so fucking sorry.” He mumbled. “I wish I could show you how fucking sorry I am...”

“I’m glad you’re sorry but it doesn’t change anything. You disappeared on me. I need a lot more from you than an empty fucking apology.” It sounded angrier than I had intended it to. I wasn’t thinking straight.

“But you told me you still love me?” sadness and confusion stained his voice. He chewed on his lip ring.
“That’s not what this is about, Frankie, can’t you see that?” I told him softly. “Of course I love you. I always have. I always will...” It stung to say it out loud. I reached up and traced the side of his face with my fingertips.
“Then why won’t you kiss me?” he asked innocently, leaning in to me. His breath tickled my face, it made me weak. His beautiful gaze locked with mine.

“I don’t want to hurt like this anymore.” I whispered.
“You don’t have to, Gee, that’s what I’m trying to tell you...” he said sweetly.

His lips very cautiously found mine, the same way they had all those years ago on the back of the tour bus. I kissed him back, pulling him into my arms. It felt so much better than I had remembered. So much better than all the fantasies that had kept me awake all these years.

“I love you.” he mumbled against my lips. All the disappointment, all the sadness, all the heartbreak - it all seemed to melt away. This was dangerous, but I didn’t care.

He rested his head on my shoulder. We stood there for a few moments, silently holding each other. I still couldn’t believe any of it was real. My heartbeat slowly returned to a manageable, even pace. My panic attack had drowned in his 3 small words.

What would Mikey say if he knew about this? Would he be happy that after all these years Frank and I had found each other again? Would he be mad at me for breaking our pact and jumping into Frank’s arms without carefully thinking it through?

“Do you wanna… um… go back to my apartment?”
“I thought you’d never ask.” he joked.

We held hands as we walked back to my car in silence. The silence continued as I started the car and pulled onto the road.
“It’s so weird how natural it feels to be around you…even after all these years.” he said contemplatively, as if reading my thoughts. I glanced over at him, he was staring out the window.
“I’ve missed you so fucking much.” I sighed. I felt his hand slowly rest on my thigh.
We were quiet for the rest of the drive.

~~~~

I unlocked the door to my apartment and flicked the lights on.
Frank peered in through the doorway. His eyes landed on my turntables and record collection.
“Did you become a vampire at some point in the last decade? Do I have to invite you inside?” I teased.
“Oh. Sorry!” He stepped over the threshold and started walking towards the records.
“Do you want anything to drink? I need some alcohol…” I said, slipping out of my jacket.
“Um. Sure. I’ll have whatever you’re having...” He said, flipping through a few scattered records I had recently pulled out to listen to.
I stepped into the kitchen and pulled out 2 glasses. I heard music come on as I poured out two very generous volumes of gin with a splash of soda.
I spun around to find him standing in the doorway of the kitchen, taking in the room.
I handed him a glass. He took a sip and grimaced as he swallowed.
“I think I might miss your vodka habit already.” he choked, setting the glass on the counter.
I smirked and took a huge gulp.
He wrapped his arms around me and sighed.
“I can’t believe this is real… I honestly thought I’d never see you again.” he mumbled, reading my mind again.
I kissed his cheek gently. A smile pulled at the corners of his mouth.
“Do you wanna see the rest of the apartment?” I asked, grabbing his hand without waiting for him to answer.
I led him down the hall into my drawing room. It was the messiest room at my place.
I turned on a small lamp on the desk, illuminating the drawings covering the walls.

He picked up a small picture frame on the desk. It was a picture of us from that summer we became romantically involved. We were on the bus in between shows at warped tour. Frank had had a little too much to drink and had fallen asleep next to me on my bunk. In his sleep he had wrapped his arm around me and nuzzled his face into my chest. When he woke up we stayed in bed all afternoon. I had snapped a picture of us together with a disposable camera Mikey had given me.

“Gerard…” he whispered as he stared at it, tears welled up in his eyes. I pulled him into my arms. He set it down on the desk carefully and looked up at me. I wiped a tear off his cheek with my thumb.
“It’s been torture to hold onto that picture... But I didn’t want to forget what you look like when you’re happy like that.” I explained quietly. “So many details about you had started to slip away from me. One day I realized I couldn’t remember what your voice sounded like...”
More tears spilled down his face. I cupped his face and pushed my lips against his. He kissed back desperately. His lips parted, I slid my tongue into his mouth. Frankie had always been an amazing kisser, time didn’t seem to have changed that. His hands tangled in my hair as I began kissing his neck. He leaned into me, letting out a tiny gasp.
“There’s one more room I want to show you…” I mumbled into his ear.

Notes

hi everyone.

sorry to be so slow to update. i've been tortured by some horrendous writer's block. it seems to have cleared up!! ~~

happy new year! thanks to all who have commented/subscribed/rated.
i'd love to hear more. let me know what you think!!!!!!

-saaad girl~