Heartbreaker Records

I threw the apple across the kitchen, my stomach protesting at the brutal treatment of the only food I had left in the place. I slid my back down the wall until I was sat on the floor, my phone poking me in my hip as I tucked my knees under my chin. I slid it out of my pocket, the gentle vibrating of the phone dragging me out of any thoughts I may have let run free. I had two messages, one from Mikey and one from my voicemail service. I tapped the screen as I dialled voicemail, the static on the other end as it rang causing my head to hurt. After the call went through, the static ensued before he spoke. “……….Frank? It’s Gerard……”He said, his voice almost uncertain. Gerard paused, clearly thinking about what he wanted to say. It was in that pregnant pause that I decided that I made a mistake telling him what I did last night, that's if he even heard me. “......Fuck you.” He muttered before dropping the call. My phone gave me the opportunity to listen again but I turned it down in favour of throwing my phone across the room. A small sob escaped me as I climbed to my feet, wandering to the living room in the hope that something good would be on.

The remote was laying next to the coffee table, the batteries laying next to it. I replaced them and flicked the box on, muttering to myself as it booted up. "How could you think he would love a fuck up like you huh Frank? You've been burned by that already." A buzzing filled my ears and I turned to the TV, the dead space on the screen reminding me that there was no TV to watch. "Well duh, it got cut of last week." I threw the remote at the screen and stood, anger running through my veins as I hissed "Dickhead" at no-one in particular. With there being nothing else to do, I walked to my closet and grabbed out pansy, sitting on the edge of the bed as I began to play. Soon my fingers were flying over the fretboard as one song merged into another like I had played them only yesterday, when the truth was I hadn't touched a guitar in months. My hand slowed down as I merged into disenchanted, memories flooding my brain as I played.

"FRANK!" Gerard shouted as he ran to catch up with me. I stood still and turned, a small smile on my face as he came to as stop beside me, his hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath. "Where you going?"
"I'm just heading home to get some stuff, you can come if you want?" I asked as I turned to walk down the street, Gerard following closely behind. His hand occasionally brushed mine, his fingers soon wrapping playfully around mine. I turned to face him quickly before looking in the other direction, my cheeks going red. We stepped through the front door, leaving our shoes in a heap before running up the stairs to my room. I started rifling through my drawers, turning slightly when I realised that Gerard hadn't come in. He was stood in the doorway, almost like an awkward turtle.
"You can come in you know." I muttered as I gently tugged on his arm, the momentum causing us both to topple onto my bed, Gerard laying on top of me, his face mere inches from mine. Without thinking, I raised my head, pressing my lips softly to Gerard's as I wrapped my arms around his waist.
"Frank..." He muttered as he pulled back. I looked at him, confusion creasing my face as I worried about what he would say next. "Can we at least lay on the bed properly?" He asked. I nodded and shifted myself so my head was laying on my pillows, Gerard hovering above me. I could feel his warm breath brushing my cheeks before he leant down and kissed my neck, sucking slightly. I tugged his face up so I could look at him, my cheeks going red when I thought about what he was doing to me. I smiled slightly before raising my head to press my lips to his, sliding my tongue across his bottom lip. I tangled my hands in his hair and deepening the kiss, releasing my hands so they could wrap around his waist and tug him closer.

My face went red as I thought of how that day planned out, our hands exploring forbidden places as we kissed, expressing our feelings for each other. I could feel the blood rush south and my cheeks burn as I imagined what I wanted to happen.

"No." I muttered as Gerard played with my belt buckle.
"Why Frankie?" Gerard asked, a childlike grin spreading across his face as he rested his hand on my crotch.
"Because our first time should be special, Gee." I muttered as I pulled him in for another kiss. I ran my hands down his sides, grabbing his hands and pulling them around my waist, pouting when he pulled away from the kiss.
"Frankie..." Gerard started. "I.... uh..... I kinda like you." He muttered, looking away instantly as the blush began spreading across his cheeks.
"Gerard, look at me." I asked, placing my hand on his cheek. I swirled the words I planned to say around my mouth, almost like I was testing them for effect. "When I kissed you in the bus, that wasn't the alcohol speaking. I meant to do it. I took the opportunity of being in the band because I'd seen you around and thought you were fucking cute. I wanted to get to know you. I like you Gerard, a lot." I muttered before placing a kiss on his lips, smiling slightly when he kissed back harder.

I shook my head to clear the memories and stood suddenly, placing pansy in her case. I walked down the hallway and slipped my feet into my shoes, my hands grabbing my keys out of the bowl as I walked from the apartment.

****

I walked quickly, hoping to warm myself up against the cold fall air. My feet were leading me towards Mikey, almost as if they knew I should find out what the text said. I raised my fist and knocked on the red door, dropping it to my side when I heard footsteps on the other side.
"Hey." Mikey muttered as he ran his hands through his wet hair. “Come in.”
He opened the door further and stepped to the side so I could step through, slipping my shoes off and adding them to the pile behind the door. He led me to the kitchen, following our normal ritual of shoving a bottle of cold water into my hand whilst he made himself a coffee.
“You didn’t reply to my text.” He stated as he spooned sweetener into the already steaming mug.
“Well, I kinda got a message that I didn’t like and threw my phone.” I replied, hanging my head.
“Oh, well I was just gonna tell you that I have sorted your interview. I’ll text you across the details later.” Mikey came and sat next to me, his face filled with thought as he studied me. “When was the last time you ate?” He asked
“When I last had the money to buy food.” I replied with, sighing when he glared at me. “Fine, almost a week ago.”
“Well you’re coming here for dinner tonight then.” He said. “All you gotta do is go home and shower. I’ll have some food done by the time you get back.” I nodded and cracked the lid on the bottle of water, taking a swig before placing it on the counter and standing up.
“I’ll see ya later then.” I muttered before slipping my shoes on and leaving.

****

I stood in front of the mirror, taking in my appearance as I waited for the shower to warm up. My usually toned stomach looked too thin, my ribs were protruding from my chest and my normally happy eyes were sunken and devoid of life. I sighed and opened the medicine cabinet to grab out a new razor and knocked a pot of Xanax out, the rattle of the pills as it landed in the sink making my brain do funny things. I shook my head and climbed into the spray, letting it pelt my skin.
Come on, just one won’t hurt.
“No!” I shouted. “Not any!”
You know I’m right, one couldn’t make you forget everything. You’d still be able to feel and to fall in love over and over again with the memories.
“I don’t want to!” I screamed as I climbed out of the shower, my hands grabbing the towel nearest me and wrapping it around my waist. “One will lead to more. I can’t!”

I pulled on a fresh pair of pants, my hands shaking as I tried to resist the pull of the pills. I grabbed a t-shirt and tugged it over my head, turning off the bedroom light as I walked back to the bathroom. The small orange bottle was still laying there, almost teasing me. “Okay, one won’t hurt.” I muttered as I popped the cap and swallowed one.
See, I told you it would be okay, but one more could make you forget me, that would make you happy, wouldn’t it?
I shrugged my shoulders and popped another pill into my mouth, following it with a third before leaving the bathroom and walking down the hallway. I slipped on a pair of dirty converse and grabbed my house keys before walking down the stairs and into the outside world.

The fall air made my eyes smart, the cold almost instantly sobering me up. There were hundreds of thoughts rushing through my mind so I grabbed one, pulling it into sight and watched as the memory played out over and over again.

I walked around the corner and stopped, the bottle of water in my hand shaking as I saw Gerard laying in front of the tour bus in a pool of his own vomit. I dropped into a crouch and brushed my fingers over his forehead to move the hair over his eyes, sighing when I saw they were closed and his breathing ragged. “Come on Gee, time to get up.” I muttered as I poked him. He shifted slightly before glaring up at me.
“Why’d you wake me?” He asked.
“Because Gee, it’s time to get up now.” I replied as I grabbed his hand and pulled him to his feet. I stuck his arm around my neck and half dragged, half carried the larger man to the bus, sighing again when he spoke out, making Brian glare at him.
“It’s all better now.” He muttered as his head lolled forwards.

He may have gotten drunk, or high or been suicidal, but I still loved him. Nothing would change that. Nothing would change the way my heart skipped a beat when I saw him, or the way that I blushed when his name was mentioned.

****

Mikey stared at me as I ate, almost as if he was taking in my appearance. “Are you high?” He asked as I pushed the food around my plate. I shook my head as I shoved a piece of steak in my mouth. “Really? Cuz you sure look it.” He persisted.
“Maybe I am, maybe I’m not.” I replied, desperate not to give him a straight answer.
“Just tell me Frank.”
“Three fucking pills isn’t going to make me high!” I snapped, instantly regretting it when I saw the look of hurt on his face. Mikey was only trying to help me after all.
“I thought you were going to stop Frank.”
“I… I tried Mikey.” I said, chewing on another piece of steak. “It’s just…. sometimes I find it hard.”
“Tell me what’s wrong Frank. I can help.” Mikey pleaded.
“Sometimes I think it would be better for everyone if I wasn’t here.” I replied, looking at my plate, ashamed that the words had left my mouth.

Notes

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~Sing it for me~