Heartbreaker Records

I dropped to the couch with a bottle of Ambien and popped the cap, pouring a few of the small white pills into my hand. I hesitated before dropping them into my mouth, my body remembering last time. After I threw them in, I lay back, my head on the pillows and waited for them to kick in, my head pounding as I thought over the last time I saw Jamia.

She stood at the sink, her hands in the water as she cried. "Baby, what's wrong." I asked, walking over to wrap my arms around her waist.
"Nothing." She sniffed as she tugged herself free.
"Come on baby, there has to be a reason why you're crying." I pushed, hoping she would tell me so I could make it better.
"You really wanna know?" She asked as she pulled her hands out of the water and turned to face me. I nodded as a form of reply and led her over to the table so we could both sit down. "Fine. You've become distant baby. Last time you did that things got bad between us, you know they did. I can't have a pushed or forced relationship, not with everything that's going on with my mom."
"I don't see what you mean, I'm not getting distant, I promised you that would never happen again." I pleaded my case.
"Really? You sit there looking at pansy and talking to it. It's a fucking guitar so why can you tell it that you wish things had gone differently, but you can't even tell me what's going on in that thick skull of yours?" Jamia raised her voice, her tone getting angrier and angrier.
"I'm trying Jam, I just..... You wouldn't wanna hear what's going on in here." I pointed to my head before reaching across and grabbing her hand. "Fuck Jamia, you know I'd never do anything to hurt you."
"No, not intentionally, but I've heard some of the things you've said when you think I'm not listening, you think that everything's gonna get better if you pretend that you love me." She growled as she pulled her hand free. "Frank, I can't do this anymore. It's not that I don't love you, because I do. I just can't be doing with the uncertainty of whether we're actually right for each other. By the end of the day, if you can't think up a good enough reason why I would want you to stay, I want you out." Jamia said, standing up and walking away.

After she kicked me out, I went to stay with Mikey for a bit, that is until Gerard became curious as to why he wasn't allowed to his brothers place. To stop their relationship collapsing, I moved out and into this shithole apartment. Since the destruction of the band, the only person I have kept in contact with was Mikey, and I can understand why. I sighed and stood, my stomach calling me out on the fact I hadn't eaten for days. After opening the fridge and checking the cupboards and only finding an apple, I dropped back to the couch and popped the cap on the bottle, desperate to take more, to make me forget everything again.

****

I rolled onto my side, groaning as my back cracked. Beside me was an empty bottle of Ambien, a unopened one next to it. I tried to remember last night but it was cloudy. The only thing that I could still see was the lone apple that was supposed to feed me until my next pay check. I stumbled to the kitchen, my hands clinging onto the wall for support as my legs still felt a million miles away. Somehow, I managed to fill a glass with water and carry it to the living room without spilling it, drinking the whole thing with another handful of Ambien.

The effects were pretty quick this time, my vision going blurry and my head spinning. The best thing? This was just like the alcohol I couldn't afford, my doctors prescribing it for me so I could sleep at night. They didn't think that I would take a bottle at a time, occasionally mixing my high with Xanax just to give me that extra oomph when I needed to escape. My phone was on the table next to me, my heart wanting to call him, my brain telling me no. Mikey had told me that things weren't going well with him and Lindsey, so maybe I could try if I had the guts to pick up the phone. I don't know what happened, one minute I was laying, staring at the contraption, the next I had it in my hand, my finger hovering over Gerard's number. Without thinking, I hit call, holding the phone to my ear as it rang. It took an age for him to answer, his beautiful voice the only clarity at the moment. "Hiya, you've reached me, but I don't have your number so you can't be important." He muttered, a small chuckle escaping his lips, the lips that I so desperately wanted to kiss.
"I'm not important?" I muttered, the feeling of rejection oh so fresh in my high mind.
"Uh, who is this?" Gerard asked, the jokiness gone from his voice.
"It doesn't matter. I thought you loved me but now I'm not important. I'll go now, just like when everything went wrong." I muttered, pulling the phone away from my ear.
"Wait! Tell me who you are, please?" He pleaded.
"I'm just some guy that you had a fling with before it all fucked up. Look, this was a mistake, I have to go." I muttered as I placed a couple of Xanax on my tongue, swallowing them down dry.
"Frank?" Gerard muttered, it finally dawning on him who I was. "How the fuck did you get my number? What the hell are you calling me for?"
"Look, I've already said this is a mistake, just....forget I called you and go back to your happily married life whilst I sit here wallowing in self pity because my life is hell." My voice was starting to become slurred, all the words mixing into one.
"Are you drunk?" I chuckled softly as he asked, wishing so much that I was drunk. My vision was starting to blur spectacularly, the art on my walls becoming one giant vomit colored mess, and the rest? Well it was starting to look like it would eat me if I wasn't careful.
"I wouldn't be even if I could afford the alcohol mate."
"What's wrong then?" He asked, his voice sounding distant as I dreamt of fucking his brains out.
"I love you." I muttered before hanging up the phone. I dropped it to the floor, my head drooping as I climbed to my feet and stumbled to the bathroom, collapsing in a heap beside the toilet. I tried to lift my head to throw up, my stomach protesting at the amount of shit I had placed in it over the past couple of days. Eventually it all came back up, the force burning my throat, leaving me sobbing on the floor as I tried to get my act together enough to call Mikey and tell him what was wrong. "Later." I muttered to myself as I curled into a ball, my head next to the toilet, my boner straining against my shorts as I thought of Gerard.

****
~Time lapse: Now morning.~

I rolled over and groaned as my head hit the toilet, my stomach protesting as I climbed shakily to my feet. I had left my phone on the table last night so I walked over to the couch, dropping heavily onto the torn material as I turned it back on. I heard the letterbox crash against the frame and climbed to my feet as I held my phone to my ear and waited for Mikey to pick up. There was only one letter sat on the mat from my boss, private and confidential scrawled across the top. I ripped the top off the envelope and read the words printed within, my heart dropping ever so slightly when the words hit home. "Well at least I don't have to go to work today." I muttered to myself just as Mikey picked up.
"What's up dude?" He asked, his voice sleep filled.
"Just needed to talk, reassurance and all that." I muttered as I wandered back to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water.
"What's up then Frank? Last time you called for reassurance, you had gotten so high that you nearly cut off your own arm." Mikey said as he rolled out of bed, the bed springs protesting obvious through the phone.
"I did get high last night, but that's not the problem." I paused as I tried to work out how best to phrase my issues. "I kinda called Gee."
"Fuck Frank, why the hell would you do that?!"
"You know I can't help what happens when I get high." I whimpered.
"Arghh, let me talk to him." He muttered, a tap running in the background.
"That's not the only issue. I got a letter that said I don't have a job anymore and now I'm gonna get kicked out and I can't have that Mikey, I really can't. If that happens I kill myself, end of."
"Whoa Frank, that's not gonna happen. I know a place that's hiring, let me set up an interview and I'll sort everything out, just make sure you're not high when you come." Mikey explained.
"Thank you Mikey, and I won't. Promise." I replied before saying goodbye and hanging up, dropping my phone on the side before climbing into the shower, the hot water burning away the dried on puke from last night.

Notes

Heya Killjoys,

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~Sing it for me~