Heartbreaker Records

17 squares across, 12 squares down. That’s how big this prison was. The steady beeps of the machines filling the silence that neither one of us wanted to breach. My eyes drifted over to Gerard occasionally, his eyelids getting heavier and heavier until they closed, his breathing deepening as he fell asleep. I resumed counting the squares on the ceiling, trying to work out exactly how many were preventing me from seeing the sky. A doctor came in, a phone in his hand. “It’s your wife.” He said bluntly before leaving the room.
“Hello?” I asked, curious as to why she would want to call me.
“Frank.” Jamia replied, her voice filled with disgust. “I know what happened, and I’m not happy.”
“Jamia, I can explain…” I protested, my stomach churning.
“I don’t care if you can explain Frank. You are so fucking unstable. You can’t be around the kids like this.”
“Please don’t take them away Jamia. I need the kids...I…” I felt a tear roll down my face, my heart rate increasing as she spoke.
“I’m sorry Frank. You are not allowed to see the children until you clear your fucking act up. I don’t want them being dragged into this well you’ve sunk into. They’re still young Frank.” Jamia explained, hanging up before I could say anything else.
“No!” I sobbed, throwing the phone towards the end of the bed. “No, no, no, no!” I shook my head, trying to force the outcome to change, that this was all a prank, that the kids would come running in to see me and everything would all be okay. The tears spilled over, streaking down my cheeks as I held in the sobs, my heart breaking. “No, no, no, please god no.” I whispered. I tried to tug the IV from my arm, to stand up and leave, to find Jamia and get her to see my side of the story.
“Frank?” Gerard asked, his voice filled with sleep, his eyes widening in horror as he took in the blood dripping down my arm from the IV. He instantly pressed the button that called the nurses, his hand brushing away the hair in my face, his thumb catching stray tears as they fell.

I lay staring at the ceiling as the nurse sorted my IV, taping down the new tube until it lay flush against my skin. Once she had finished, she gave me some morphine, watching my eyes glaze over as it kicked in. “Frank.” Gerard muttered as he grabbed my hand, drawing small circles across my flesh with his thumb. “What’s wrong Frankie? What happened?”
“She’s taking the kids away.” I sobbed, staring at the stained and cracked ceiling tiles. “She’s not gonna let me see them again.”
“Oh Frankie...I’m sorry.” Gerard whispered, his voice hoarse.
“Its not your fault though. If I hadn’t tried to kill myself, or if I’d fucking succeeded then this wouldn’t be happening!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face when Gerard’s breathing hitched. “Gee, I didn’t mean it like that.” I whispered, looking into his hurt filled eyes.
“It’s fine Frankie. I can see how much I mean to you.” He said as he pulled his hand away.
“Gee, I did this for you. Mikey said I would only hurt you and I couldn’t do that.” I pleaded, putting forwards my case.
“So you dying wouldn’t hurt? Getting you back and then you leaving again, that wouldn’t hurt? I thought you were going to fucking die Frankie. I couldn’t watch that. I couldn’t lose you again.” He sobbed, his eyes ringed with red. “I can’t physically lose you again Frankie, not because I love you, but I need you Frankie, I need you.” I reached my hand out to grab his, tugging him closer until I could reach his lips, pressing mine against them.
“I’m sorry Gee.” I cried, tears rolling down my face. “I am so fucking sorry.”

****

I tugged on the trousers I was offered, wincing as my stomach clenched. “Where exactly am I going?” I asked.
“Well, we have to make sure you are mentally stable before we can release you so we are sending you to a hospital that can cater for your needs better than we can.” The nurse explained as I signed the release papers.
“You’re telling me I’m crazy? I don’t need to go there. I’m fine. I have Gerard to help me get better.”
“It’s procedure Mr Iero. It has to be done.” She said, motioning to the wheelchair. I sat down, grateful for the reprieve of being on my feet. I nodded and allowed her to wheel me towards the reception area, my eyes landing on Gerard and Mikey. Mikey stepped forwards, an envelope in his hand with my name on it.
“I’m sorry Frankie.” Was all he said as I ripped open the paper, tears filling my eyes as I read the words printed inside.
“Get my stuff for me please Mikey? Keep it at yours until I can come back.” I asked, looking over at Gerard.
“Sure, but you can’t stay at mine.” Mikey muttered, grabbing the envelope from my hand.
“Why not?” I asked in disbelief.
“Because I have a life Frank. I’m trying to be happy and I can’t have you there to stop that.” He said before walking away, tears spilling down my cheeks. I shook my head, my vision blurring as more tears raced down my cheeks. I climbed to my feet, standing still until I had caught my balance and walked to Gerard, throwing my arms around him as I cried.
“I love you Gee.” I sobbed, my tears staining his shirt. “I fucking love you.” I felt his arms wrap around me, his chin coming to rest on the top of my head as I cried.
“I love you too Frankie. Promise me you’ll get better.” I nodded, my grip getting tighter.
“I promise.” I whispered, looking up into his hazel eyes.
“Good.” He muttered before pressing his lips to mine, lingering for a couple of seconds before releasing me.

I looked over my shoulder my eyes lingering on Gerard as he cried into Mikey’s neck, his brother fighting to keep him upright. The doctors wheeled me into the back of an ambulance and helped me onto the bed before stepping back down and closing the doors, locking me into a future I didn’t want. I wanted to be curled up on the sofa with Gerard, holding each other as we watched a film or talked about pointless things.

****

My eyes snapped open as they wheeled me into a sterile room, the white too bright in my dark world. “We have Mr Iero for you.” One of the paramedics said.
“What is he here for?” The receptionist said. “That line was left blank on the form."
“Attempted suicide via an overdose.”
“Okay, well if we can have him over here so we can do the induction, then we can let you go.” The receptionist ordered, the paramedic untying me from the gurney.
“Frank, it’s time to get up now.” He said, offering his hand to help me up. I took it, standing still until I had caught my balance before shuffling forwards and leaning on the desk. The paramedics said goodbye before leaving me with the overly happy woman.
“Let’s show you around.” She muttered before grabbing my elbow and leading me down one of the many white corridors. I was shown the recreation room, the dining hall and the bathrooms before getting led to my bedroom. “We need to get you changed into this.” The receptionist said as she handed over a pile of white clothes with shoelace-less shoes on top. I nodded as I took the pile, my hands shaking as I changed, handing over the clothes I came in. “If you need anything, come and find me. My name is Laura.” I nodded again, watching as she left the room, tugging the door closed behind her.

I shuffled down the corridor, images of Gerard everywhere I looked. My footsteps echoed around the sterile halls as I walked to the recreation room, hovering at the door before shaking my head and walking back to my room, curling up on the hard mattress and crying. “I’m sorry Gee.” I muttered as I twisted my fingers, wincing when they rotated too far. “I’ll get better for you.” I started crying, longing to be held in his arms as my breathing deepened, my heart beat setting into a regular pattern. I closed my eyes, clinging onto the last image I had of Gerard, the tears streaming down his face, the brokenness of him. I needed to get better, even if I tortured myself with the image of him.

****
A scream echoed around my room, my breathing ragged as my eyes shot open. I lay there, my heart pounding against my ribcage as the doctors came running, checking my vitals before looking at me in confusion. Everything was normal, nothing was medically wrong to cause me to cry out, yet I did. “Mr Iero?” One of the doctors asked, his hand resting on my shoulder as I rocked backwards and forwards, the motions calming me down. My wide eyes looked at him, focusing on nothing in particular. “Mr Iero, can you tell us what’s wrong?” He asked. I shook my head, tears falling down my face as I rocked.
“Frank?” A female voice asked, my eyes landing on Laura. “Frank, we’re here to help. Please tell us what’s wrong.” She pleaded.
“You but not them.” I whispered, my voice barely loud enough for me to hear. Laura nodded and sent the doctors outside before sitting on the chair next to my bed.
“What’s wrong sweetie?” She asked.
“I miss him.” I muttered.
“Who? Your son?” I shook my head. “Who then Frank? Who do you miss?”
“Gerard.” I sobbed quietly.
“Who is he Frank?”
“I love him.” I muttered, looking into her blue eyes.
“What about your wife Frank?”
“We split up. I love Gerard now. I always have.” I muttered, my eyes getting heavy. “I’ve always loved Gerard. Can I see him?” I asked, a little bit of hope blossoming in the bleak world.
“Not yet Frank. Maybe soon, but not yet okay?” Laura said. I nodded, a lone tear rolling down my face as I lay down, curling up into a small ball and closing my eyes.

Notes

Hello Killjoys

Here is another chapter, written when I couldn't sleep, but edited after 3 hours in the land of nod..

I hope you like it :3

~Elise-Iero~