I pressed my back against the locked door, sighing. I had absolutely no idea what the hell I was doing. I pushed back my sleeve, and stared for a while at the oh-so-small yet so significant mark on my skin, which had by now scabbed over to a dark-red crescent on my wrist. I ran my finger over it, before pressing down on it, inducing a dull ache. I frowned. That didn’t have nearly the same effect as the sharp sting I’d felt when my nail had pierced the thin skin. I remembered the intriguing sight of the crimson liquid leaking out of me. I began pulling at the freshly-formed scab, scratching at it until it broke, allowing the blood to well out once more. The stinging returned, and I closed my eyes, focusing on the sharp, stark sensation that pushed through everything else in my mind until it was at the forefront of my thoughts. It was a powerful feeling, the pain; it pushed aside every other conscious thought to make room for itself. But… it wasn’t enough. That tiny little sting on the inside of my wrist wasn’t enough to fully remove the anguish and confusion. I snapped my eyes open, with a new sense of urgency, and rooted through my pockets. I needed more than my nails to satisfy this new, insane longing for pain. I scowled, dammit, I couldn’t find anything. My pockets were almost empty, and certainly contained nothing capable of mutilation. Ugh, now what? I looked around at my surroundings, a small and pristine bathroom. Jeez, Frank was house-proud. I began pulling open his cupboards frantically, praying something here would be capable of fulfilling my sudden task. Toothbrush, toothpaste, shampoo… Ah! My hands fell upon exactly what I needed. A packet of razors, the very basic Bic kind, open and half-full of orange plastic. I pulled one out, and stopped. Was I really going to steal a razor from Frank, and cut my own arm in his bathroom? I deliberated, before coming to the conclusion that yes, yes I was. The burning urge to just forget, even temporarily, was overwhelming. He’d understand, right? Frank always understands. Or… maybe I just won’t tell him. Yeah, that works, he never has to know. I can hide it. I’ve been hiding my whole life, how is this any different? I pulled down the lid of the toilet, and sat on it, aware that Frank would soon come looking for me. This had to be quick. I looked at the razor for a second. How difficult would it be to remove the silvery blades from the plastic casing? With no more hesitation, I attempted to prise apart the pieces of plastic that contained my release. I pulled, and a snap rang through the room as the casing began to apart, albeit slowly. Impatient, I tugged at it harder, then in a moment of pure desperation, raised it to my lips and used my teeth to try and remove the plastic barrier. A small slip caused me to catch my upper lip with the very corner of the blade, making a small incision. Blood ran over my lip and into my mouth. That little shock of unexpected pain ran through me, and I felt a teasing hint of the release I was anticipating. Trembling with need now, I finally freed the tiny weapon from its confinement, and tossed the plastic carelessly aside. I shoved up my sleeve right past my elbow, and held the blade to the top of my forearm. I held still for a second, and then swiftly dragged the piece of metal down in a line. Immediately, I felt a fierce sting, so much more painful than the little cut I’d made with my nail. I felt a rush course through me in a trembling wave as the pain became the only thing I was aware of. I closed my eyes and did it again, once, twice, three times. Blood began to flow more quickly as I repeated the action, a few more times before setting the blade down on the side. I watched it unmoving or a moment, watched the red fluid trail out of the lines I’d made. A knock on the door made me jump. “Gerard? Gee, are you okay?” Frank’s voice was concerned. I stammered and called out “Y-yeah, give me a sec!”. I grabbed a pack of bandages of a random shelf, and messily stuck them down until I’d concealed all of them. I them pulled my sleeve down and stood, pocketing the little blade I’d acquired, as slipped out of the bathroom. Frank stood before me, having to crane his neck upwards in order to meet my eyes. “Gee, what were you doing in there?” I opened my mouth to make up some stupid excuse, but was side-tracked. “Gee?” I asked, eyebrows raised, trying to stop the little smile appearing on the edges of my lips. Frank looked down, an adorable blush spreading across his face. “Well, um, I… It’s easier than Gerard, you know? And I um…” I cut him off with a laugh. “I like it,” I told him. He smiled, seeming genuinely please, but he let the smile fade. “You didn’t answer my question,” he said. I looked away. “I was just… I needed some, um, alone time, and I… I didn’t want you to worry or anything.” I let my mumbling trail away, my pathetic excuse hanging lamely between us. He studied my for a while, and then sighed. “You still haven’t told me why you left,” he informed me. I felt a mix of relief and worry. Relief that he’d dropped the bathroom thing, but worry because he’d favoured a topic that was no better. I thought for a while, before slowly saying, “Frank, look. I just… It’s hard for me to talk about, you know? I don’t really… I can’t…” I fought to find the right words, to no avail. He laid a hand on my arm. “Okay, Gee, it’s okay. You don’t have to talk, calm down. Just… don’t do it again, okay? Promise me.” Damn. He wanted me to promise not to leave again? But… I had to leave him, didn’t I? I couldn’t let her get him. He stared at me, his pretty eyes boring very forcefully into mine, fiery and intense. I tried to find the willpower to refuse, but I couldn’t. I swallowed, and whispered the fateful words. “I promise."

Notes

Strange chapter, no? I know it's a little difficult to follow, but that was intentional. If any of you have ever self-harmed, you'll understand the emotional mess Gerard was in, so his thoughts - and therefore the chapter - are a little everywhere. I love the comments, I know I don't respond to every single one, but they do mean a lot to me. Paranoia Violence out xø