When You & I Were Forever Wild

I couldn't even get excited over the fact that I was turning 16. All I could think about was my party. And Cameron. What would he think of the dress? Would he like my hair down or up? Curled or straightened? Should I opt for lipgloss or lipstick? Or nothing at all? What if we ended up kissing? Any stuff on my lips would just ruin it, right? Thankfully Gerard would bring the alcohol so I could calm my nerves.

Suki was sitting on my bed, flipping through a magazine. She had shown up styled to perfection and I asked myself how her parents allowed her to leave the house looking like that. It had taken a lot of begging and bargaining to convince my parents to let me get the cute polka dot dress I was wearing. Actually, just when I'd thought I had lost the argument, Josh had saved the day, pointing out that I was turning 16, not 6 and that the dress was indeed cute and appropriate. Yes, my brother could be lovely sometimes, especially when he became aware of the fact that he would leave to go to college soon and that he had to admit to himself that he would miss his little sis.

'Cameron is SO gonna make a move tonight, I know it. He's totally gonna kiss you.' Suki had gotten up and started fixing my hair.

'Oh God, stop talking! I'm already nervous. I've never kissed anyone except-' I realized I was about to tell her about Gerard. 'Nevermind. I never actually kissed anyone. Not with tongue anyway.'

'Nah that peck you gave Gerard doesn't even count.' she knew about it? 'Please, you did the poor guy a favor. He was trying so hard to impress you.'

I felt slightly offended on Gerard's behalf. Of course I hadn't kissed him because I had a crush on him or anything like that, but what he'd done for me that day was pretty damn sweet and he deserved that kiss. It was a spur of the moment kinda thing. Not to mention the fact that we were kids and it meant nothing!

'You're always so mean to him.'

'I'm not mean! I'm just saying, who cares! Let's focus on Cameron and Tom. I wanna lose my virginity soon.'

What? Was she actually serious? I was about to blurt out how silly she was being but I kept my mouth shut. She was only saying that to shock me, surely. Even though pretty much everyone in our year was talking about sex and some of them had probably done it too, both Suki and I knew better than to succumb to peer pressure. We were only 16 for God's sake! The problem with Suki was her curiosity and the fact that she was 'totally in love' with Tom Meyers, she would do it with him for sure.

'He knows you like him. And what if he takes advantage of that?' I saw her shrug in the mirror.

'I fucking hope he takes advantage of that!' she giggled and a weird knot formed in my stomach.

*

After having one last cigarette behind Garrison's, I set off to the diner. It was only a fifteen minute walk and thankfully it had stopped raining an hour ago so I had turned down my dad's offer to give me a ride. Carrying the gift-wrapped painting under my arm, I arrived at the diner, already spotting Finn, Suki and Ray through the windows. Was Finn wearing her hair up?

'Gee!' Ray waved at me as I entered and they all looked up. Shit, I was anxious. I could deal with the three of them but I knew more people were about to show up.

Finn smiled at me as I arrived at the table. 'Happy Birthday.' I said, forcing myself to smile back at her as I handed her my gift. She got up and...hugged me?

'Thank you Gerard! That's so nice of you. You didn't have to get me a present!' I could feel her breath on my skin as she talked while still hugging me.

'Umm...no...you're welcome. It's nothing special.' Suki and Ray eyed us curiously as Finn let go of me. I hadn't thought about the fact that she would probably open all her presents here and suddenly I felt embarrassed.

'I'm sure it is.' Finn smiled and offered me the space next to her.

'Finn?' I leaned over to her. 'Could you...umm..maybe open it at home?'

She turned to face me and for a moment she just looked at me before nodding.

'What? Is it a nude portrait of you or summin?' Suki giggled and I blushed angrily.

'Shut up, Suki. You're just jealous that you're not getting any presents.' Finn said and Suki waved her arm at her dismissively.

The waitress arrived to take my order and then Ray successfully distracted Suki from making any more comments about my present by opening his backpack, revealing the alcohol and snacks he had brought for later.

'I'm glad you could make it.' Finn said and I looked at her again. The dress she was wearing made her look almost grown up and there was a hint of red lipstick on her lips.

'Sure. So...umm, who else is coming?' I asked because I had nothing else to say.

'Well, Cameron...' she blushed and bit her lip and I felt something weird in my chest. 'And Tom. Izzy, Lauren, Evie maybe. She wasn't sure yet because she got grounded. I guess they told a few people about the party later. So who knows who's gonna show up!'

Even though I was excited for her, I suddenly regretted the decision to accept her invitation. Stupid, desperate me, jumping at the chance to spend time with her. Stupid, naive me, thinking I could get to know her better. Stupid me, living in a dreamworld where Finn would choose me over Cameron Barnes. Maybe I would just not show up to the party. I could always say my parents had caught me sneaking out. Then I wouldn't have to watch while she made out with him. Just the thought of it made me sick.

'Fun.' I muttered, forcing myself to smile. She stared at me and I knew she had me figured out. Lucky for me, the waitress saved me again, placing my milkshake in front of me.

*

My heart stopped as the bell at the entrance announced a new customer. I could already see his spiky blond hair and jumped up, almost knocking over our drinks. Shit, did I look okay?

'Birthday girl!' he smiled the most flawless smile and my knees turned to jelly.

'Hey Cam.' I replied shyly.

Suki moved voluntarily to make room for Cameron and I gave her a grateful grin, thrilled that he could sit next to me. What was it about this guy that made me act like the typical teenager? I mean, fair enough, I WAS the typical teenager but compared to Suki and our other friends I was relatively mature. Cameron Barnes was clouding my senses. His presence alone made me swoon.

I tried my best to still acknowledge everyone else at the table despite Cameron being his usual, gorgeous self but it was hard. Suki was talking to Tom and Ray, and Gerard had gone awfully quiet.

'Got you a present.' Cameron said and handed me a little gift bag. Wow. He actually went out to buy a present. Just for me. Especially for me.

'Oh! Wow. Oh. Thank...thanks.' I stuttered and before I even knew what was happening, he leaned over to me, placing a soft kiss on my cheek. Oh my God!

My cheeks were burning and I almost dropped my gift as I nervously started to unpack it in order to hide my excitement. Although I could feel everyone's eyes on me and no one was talking, I didn't feel embarrassed. Cameron Barnes had just kissed me! I was the luckiest girl in the world and for the first time in my life, I was the center of attention. And I enjoyed that feeling.

He had gotten me a beautiful golden necklace with a shell pendant and a tiny pearl in the middle of it. I was speechless.

'Because you're as precious as a rare pearl.' Cameron winked.

'Oh please.' I heard Gerard mumbled next to me and I turned around to him.

He was leaning on the table, looking like he had just smelled something really disgusting. What was his problem?

'Yo Gerard. If you're so bored then maybe you should go home? You can leave the booze.' Cameron laughed and Tom joined in.

'Yeah maybe I should.' Gerard replied and I shook my head.

'No! No, you're staying. Cam was only joking, right Cameron?' Cameron just continued laughing and high-fived Tom. I looked at Suki who shrugged.

I felt bad. Really bad. Although neither Gerard nor Ray belonged to our group, I was glad they were here. I had wanted them to come, especially Gerard. But I could see how out of place he felt and I blamed myself for it. I was the birthday girl, I was throwing the party. And I was responsible for making everyone enjoy it.

'Don't go. Please. I want you to stay.' I meant it.

*

For a moment I really just wanted to get up and leave. Especially when I saw the rest of Finn's friends arrive. But SHE wanted me to stay. Maybe it was pathetic. They were all taking the piss and I knew it. Not Finn though. I could tell she was being sincere when she asked me to stay. A stupid, desperate, naive flicker of hope warmed my belly as her eyes met mine and I nodded. Then, I could swear I felt her hand on mine under the table but it didn't last long enough for me to figure out if it was really happening or if it was just my imagination playing a trick on me.

'Hey guys!' Izzy and Lauren greeted us.

Finn smiled and got up to hug them and then they sat down next to me.

'Hey Gerard.' Izzy giggled and I gave her a half-smile.

She probably had a crush on me and I wished I had a crush on her. Instead of Finn. Who had only eyes for Cameron. As much as I wanted to pretend that he was a nice guy, that they would make a great couple, that he deserved her, that all I wanted was for her to be happy, I was too bitter to use this as more than just a sad attempt to make me feel better about the fact that all my feelings were unrequited. And of course I couldn't just be grateful that she was happy I was here, that maybe she wanted to be my friend. No.

We left the diner an hour later after Tom had exclaimed that this was 'lame as fuck' and he'd had more fun at his 8 year old cousin's birthday party. I felt sick from all the waffles and ice cream we'd had. After successfully telling myself to ignore everything else and just enjoy Finn's company, I had managed to tell her about my favorite comics after Ray had given her Volume 1 of Akira (which I had instructed him to get her). And she had listened intently and had even asked me to write everything down for her so she could check them out. Cameron had attempted to make fun of me, I wasn't sure whether he was serious or just wanted to tease in order to distract Finn from talking to me. Either way, it hadn't worked because we hadn't paid attention to him.

Now, we were sharing a cigarette on the way home and it felt like the most normal thing ever. Almost as we were really friends. Were we? I was already hoping for too much.

Our ways parted and everyone was home before 10. We had agreed to meet again at 11. As the only one who didn't have a curfew, Ray had already taken the stuff we had bought to the empty warehouse.

None of us was used to alcohol and by midnight, we were promisingly tipsy. Much to my regret, Finn and Cameron were holding hands soon after. Fuck. It stung. I should have stayed at home. I tried to distract myself, walking around the warehouse, smashing empty bottles against the wall. Taking a swig of vodka, I wondered if someone had been murdered here. In my head, I made up this crazy story about a serial killer that had a fetish for empty warehouses just like this, who just waited for a poor lil fuck to come and explore it or seek shelter and then, he'd kill them. Maybe tonight, that poor lil fuck would be me? I giggled to myself and stepped outside, lighting a cigarette. As if to say 'Come out come out wherever you are! I'm here. Go ahead and kill me.'

I didn't really want to die. I just liked making up stupid, gory stories like this one in my head and then test whether or not I could influence events simply by imagining them. Of course, I couldn't.

'Is she drunk enough yet?' I heard Tom's voice behind the corner all of a sudden.

'Don't think so. Ugh, you're lucky. Suki seems to be much more willing.' Cameron. They had no idea I was listening to their conversation.

'Dude, they're both virgins. I can tell.'

'Even better.' Barnes laughed and I felt my jaw tighten as my hand clenched around the bottle angrily.

Notes

decided to give you another chapter since it's saturday :) hope you enjoy!