When You & I Were Forever Wild

'FINN!! FIIIIINN! FIFI! Hurry up, we're gonna be late for school!' my older brother was banging on the bathroom door like a maniac and I rolled my eyes. I hated it when he called me 'Fifi'.

We had more than enough time, he was just being an idiot. As always.

'Go away Josh!' I yelled while brushing my long dark brown hair aggressively. I was angry at him for being a pain in the ass and I was angry at myself for falling asleep with wet hair yet again.

'Aww you wanna look pretty for your BOYFRIIIIEND?' he teased and I finally yanked open the door, glaring at him.

'Shut up, douche!'

'Awww, awwww, awwww!' he continued and I pushed him out of the way.

I took a deep breath and stormed into my room, grabbing my jacket and bag, slinging both over my shoulder. I had to control my anger. As hard as it was and as obviously as Josh was pushing it, I couldn't let myself get in trouble. My birthday was on friday and I had made a deal with my parents. If I continued to be on my best behavior at home and at school, I would be allowed to meet up with my friends, curfew being 10pm instead of 8pm. Of course they had offered to let me invite some friends over to my house instead but the idea was more than lame. Invite friends over to 'party'? Under my parents' supervision? Erm, no thanks. So instead, I told them that I wanted to go to my favorite diner, meet my friends there, celebrate by eating all the ice cream and all the waffles, then be home by 10pm as promised. And then, I could sneak out again. For the real party.

My only worry now was that Josh would ruin it for me. Either by annoying me to a point where I would finally lose it and smack him or by being the overprotective big brother because after all, I had invited boys as well.

We arrived at the school with a few minutes to spare.

'Have you invited him? The party's still on, right?' Suki asked, leaning against her locker.

I smiled mysteriously, taking out the stuff I needed for biology, pretending not to notice his stare.

'As soon as I can sneak out again, we'll meet at the old warehouse.'

'I already took a bottle of vodka from my parents' cabinet. They didn't even notice. Ha! So? Have you invited him?' she repeated the question and I shrugged, pretending it wasn't a big deal.

'Yeah. But I also invited Gerard, Ray and Tom.'

'He's staring again.' she muttered but I avoided the direction she was looking in. I shrugged again.

'We're gonna be late.' I just said, pushing her forward and then, after she had finally focused on getting to biology in time, I turned around, meeting his brown eyes, a shy smile on my lips.

The butterflies did somersaults in my stomach. Cameron Barnes. And he had agreed to come to my birthday party! I squealed on the inside as I bit my lip and looked away. Ugh, why did he have to be so HOT?

As I suffered through biology, I kept wondering why a guy like him would even be interested in me. And he was, it wasn't even a secret. I just wasn't the type of girl that type of guys like Cameron would normally go for. What a cliché, I know. It wasn't so much about me, the way I looked (long brown hair, blue eyes, pale with some annoying freckles on my nose and cheeks, no boobs, no ass, overall too lanky because as my mother always said I had yet to 'grow into my body' whatever that meant) but more about the fact that I wasn't pursuing him by offering myself to him with every fibre of my being, like all the other girls seem to do with the boys they liked. And which the guys seem to enjoy, even expect from them! Yes, I had a mad crush on him but no, I wouldn't change anything about myself in order to get him.

All that self-respect didn't prevent me from drawing his name into each and every single one of my books and overflowing my diary with sappy, infatuated daydreams about him and our future life together.

Hopefully, he would finally ask me out this weekend.

*

Finn Campbell was the first girl I kissed. And up to date she was also the only girl I kissed. I'd had opportunities to kiss other girls but for some reason, I'd never taken them. For some reason, I wanted Finn to be the only one.

On a school trip to New York about three years ago, she had forgotten her camera. She was upset about it although she didn't let it show but I knew how much she loved taking photos. So I stayed behind quietly, sketching all the sights we visited and at the end of the day, on the train ride back to Belleville, I had given her my notebook with all the drawings in it. I didn't expect her to react the way she reacted - by throwing her arms around my neck and pressing her lips on mine.

She had tasted like jelly beans.

I wanted to ask her if we could be boyfriend and girlfriend but I didn't.

We exchanged a few words sometimes but she talked to basically everyone at school. And I was jealous of the people she spent time with, not really acknowledging the fact that she also spent time with me. Why would I be special to her? I was jealous and I wasn't oblivious to why I was jealous either.

I was in love with her.

Ha! What exactly does a 16 year old boy know about love? At that age, it's supposed to be all about computer games and jerking off. And then bragging about both your high score and the size of your dick to your friends while talking about cheerleaders and which one of them you'd like to bang. Even if you were a nerd like me, you'd still do it. You might talk about comics instead of computer games but you jerk off just as much and you talk about wanting to bang girls just as much. The only difference was that while the other boys were loud and bold about it, I kept it to myself. I also didn't want to 'bang' Finn Campbell. I didn't want to peek under her skirt or stick my tongue down her throat or anything like that. She was way too precious for any of that sleazy stuff. If any other guy did that to her I'd probably kill him.

So why didn't I make a move? I don't know. Well there was the obvious fear of rejection. I was fairly popular although I didn't pay attention to my overall status with the girls. Then there was the fact that she knew I liked her and I was too embarrassed by that to ask her out. What if she thought I was just like all the other boys? Maybe I was just like them after all? Hormones are so unpredictable at this age.

She confused me. More than I confused myself.

Sometimes she'd show up behind Garrison's and we'd smoke together. I always brought a spare one for her which I'd steal from my mom's purse. But we'd never really talk much. When I was in her presence it was like I'd suddenly forget everything I knew. I'd become this boring guy with nothing to say.

Just like this morning, when she had asked me if I wanted to come to her birthday party. As though it was no big deal. Ugh, it probably wasn't a big deal. She had invited my best friend Ray as well. And this guy Cameron who I knew she liked. Oh, did I mention that she had a crush on someone else? No? Probably because I was in denial about that. Also Tom, a guy who was in my art class. I think Finn's best friend Suki had a crush on him. I wanted to say no, knowing that I'd just be quiet and awkward all night with the prospect of seeing her make out with Cameron. But how could I've said no to an evening in her company?

*

'Why did you invite Gerard anyway?' Suki asked me as we sat at our table eating lunch.

'He's nice. And I guess we're friends. Plus I needed to invite some other boys. If I had only invited Cameron, it would have been awkward.'

'He never talks. Unless he's with his other nerd friends. I mean yeah, he's cute but kinda weird.'

I laughed. 'Whatever. He can get booze though. And cigs.'

'Ooooh now I know why you invited him!' Suki rolled her eyes and I shushed her nervously as I saw Gerard entering the cafeteria.

I really did like him. Suki was right, he never talked much unless he was with his group of friends but I didn't consider him weird. As a matter of fact, I knew several girls who were crushing on him madly. Thank God I'd never told Suki about that time I kissed him when we were like 12? She'd probably still make fun of me. Looking back now, I obviously wished that my first kiss had been with Cameron but oh well. He could be my first other things.

'I mean, he does have a cute butt. I kinda wanna grab it you know, it looks so firm and tiny.' Suki's eyes were following Gerard as he walked over to his friends. He was wearing black skinny jeans and a plaid shirt that had just the right length to show off his ass.

'Please go ahead. But hurry before he sits down.'

Suki was my best friend but so obnoxious sometimes it made me cringe. I was still incredibly jealous of her long blond hair, always curled to perfection, her tanned, flawless skin, and boobs. Yeah the boobs were what I was most jealous of. I wasn't exactly flat but I could hardly manage a cleavage that was worth showing off, which my parents were happy about since they were slightly on the conservative, religious side. Not to the extreme but enough to get on my nerves. If they knew I sneaked out to smoke on a regular basis, they'd ground me for the rest of my life.

'You should hook up with him at my birthday party. Just to feel his butt you know?' I giggled and she stood up.

'Nah, he seems like the type that gets attached too easily. I don't want to encourage him. I also rather feel up Tom.'

Ugh I didn't like Tom. And I didn't like the fact that Cameron was friends with him. He seemed like such a douche. Like one of those guys who were only after one thing. I had warned Suki and she had promised not to let him talk her into anything she didn't want to do. If only I could trust that girl.

*

I took off my jacket and sat down at the dinner table where my mother had already placed my food. My little brother Mikey had just started eating and I glared at him for making the most unappetizing noises.

'Mom can I borrow the car please? I need to go to the mall.'

'What for?' my mother asked, raising one eyebrow. I had only just borrowed it yesterday to go to the record store.

'Need a birthday present for Finn.' I muttered, acting casual.

'Finn? Uhh-oh!' Mikey wiggled his brows and I ignored him, giving my mom a pleading look.

'Finn Campbell?' my mom asked and I nodded. 'Did she invite you?'

'Umm yeah. Me and some other people. We're only going to Joey's. I'll be home by 10. So can I have the car?'

My driver's licence was only two weeks old and I wouldn't be able to afford my own car until after the summer. It was a pain in the ass to ask my parents every time I needed to go somewhere but still better than having them give me a ride or taking the bus.

'Sure.' she pulled her wallet from her bag and handed me a twenty and her keys. 'Get her something nice.'

I took the keys but ignored the money. 'I don't need any money but thanks.'

As a matter of fact I didn't even need a present. I already had one and it had been finished for weeks. I was going to the mall to meet up with Ray and his cousin Jeff, who would buy booze for us.

'Can I come?' Mikey asked, sitting up straight as if someone had pulled him up by his hair.

'No?' I replied, narrowing my eyes at him.

I finished the food, washed my dish and headed upstairs to my room. Hopefully Finn would like her present, I thought. Hopefully she wouldn't think it was lame. She had liked my drawings after all but we had been kids, maybe now she would consider the painting lame. I had also made her a mixtape and everybody liked mixtapes right? Ugh. What if Barnes got her something really fancy? Like a pretty necklace or bracelet or I don't know, perfume? But why would I give her something like that, she was already pretty and smelled nice. Ugh. She had a crush on him and I was stupid to think that I could somehow make her see me the way she saw him. Was that even possible? Ugh. I kept telling myself that I'd be happy just being her friend but we weren't even actual friends. I should try and talk to her for real.

On her birthday. On friday. I would talk to her.

Notes

Okay, if this is an awkward, shitty first chapter, I apologize. I'm almost 24 and it was kind of hard for me to write from the perspective of a teenager in high school. Haha.
This is not your typical teen romance story though so even if you're not into that, PLEASE keep reading.

And of course, as always, feedback, suggestions and tips are welcome!