My Own Private Earthquake

Mikey was mad. Mikey was very, very mad.

Mikey and I had been raised to believe that violence was never the answer. Physical fights never solved anything. That was what our grandmother had taught us. 'Use your mind, not your fist' she repeated, over and over again. That sentence was the only thing on my mind when Mikey stepped through the door with Ray trailing behind him. He looked pissed. His hands were balled up into fists. He was glaring at me with dull eyes.

Use your mind, not your fist.

He walked over to me quickly, staring at a spot on the right side of my face.

Use your mind, not your fist.

He stopped in front of me for a second. Just a second.

Use your mind, not your fist.

"If you hit me, I'm not going to hit you back" I mumbled quickly, looking at his fists. They relaxed a little after I spoke.

"I kind of deserve it" I said, louder this time.

"You do, but I'm not going to hit you Gerard" he said, the anger in his voice diminishing. "But I do have some things to tell you."

I looked up at him. He didn't look angry anymore. Mikey always had the same flat expression on his face, but you could always tell how he felt by looking at his eyes. A small twinkle usually meant he was happy. If his eyelids were half closed, he was either physically exhausted or emotionally drained. I would know, he had that emotionally drained look for a week straight after my family found out about my drug addiction. But looking at his dull eyes, I wasn't sure how he was feeling. They looked tired, which reminded me of disappointment. There was also a hint of explosiveness, as if there was something he needed to tell me but couldn't or didn't want to. Maybe that's why he was angry. There was something he was holding in.

"Go ahead" I murmured. He nodded.

"Listen, Gerard. You know you're my best friend and more importantly, my brother. I love you. But you always act like such an ungrateful brat" he started.

"I'm not ungrateful" I whined, slightly offended. He sighed.

"Yes, you are. You act like moving here was hell. It would be nice if you didn't have an attitude all the time."

"Moving here was hell for me, Mikey."

"And you think it wasn't for me?" he replied, crossing his arms.

"No" I snapped. I didn't mean to sound so rude, but the damage was done. Mikey looked slightly startled at first, but then narrowed his eyes at me. I suppose it was hard for him to leave his entire life behind for his 'ungrateful brother' as he had said. He was right. It was too late to take back what I had said though.

"Well it was. You know you're not the only who had to make sacrifices, right?" Mikey sounded angry now. "You know you're not the only one who had to leave Jersey, right? I had friends there, Gerard. I had a girlfriend. I had to leave them all behind to come here. All you had was your good-for-nothing dealer who helped you destroy yourself."

I winced. That hurt.

"Did you know I broke up with Alicia? I had to. I didn't know how long I would be here. She couldn't come here with us either. We both knew long distance wouldn't work, no matter how much we wanted it to. I gave up my girlfriend to come here, Gerard!"

He sounded much, much angrier now.

"You know where all my friends are now? College. They're all attending college. Like I should be. Like you should've been, instead of going out and drinking every night. And now, instead of going to college, I get to babysit my older, drug-addicted brother for who knows how long."

Ouch.

"So basically, I'm throwing my life away for you because you aren't capable of taking care of your damn self. You couldn't even stay in rehab for fuck's sake! They were going to help you Gerard! You were a month clean before you checked out! What were you thinking?"

He was yelling now. And each word he said was like a slap in the face. He might as well have hit me, it would've hurt less. On the other hand though, I was angry. I was angry because he was right, I had been acting like a dick, but I had a reason to. Everyone in town, including our family, felt sorry for me. Gerard, the dumb fuck who partied too much and ruined his life. Poor Gerard, the guy who couldn't be satisfied with smoking weed once in a while, the guy who needed more. The idiot who was still bossed around by his parents and now, by his little brother. They all felt sorry for me, and I wasn't going to act like the victim. I didn't need them to pity me, I didn't need them to pretend to care and ask me how I was doing. I wasn't a fucking charity case. I was a dick, not because I was ungrateful, but because I wanted to show others that I didn't need them. While doing so, I had pushed my entire family away. I pushed my little brother away, the only person I trusted besides Ray. This wasn't supposed to happen. Everything is going so wrong.

Hurt and angry isn't a good combination. Often times, people who are hurt and angry do things they'll regret later because they're blinded by how they're feeling.

"You think I don't know that?" I shouted, standing up, which made Mikey step back. Ray was surprised by my outburst. To be honest, I was surprised as well. I was angry with myself, but once again, I was taking it out on Mikey.

"You think I'm happy being here? Holding you and Ray back from living your lives? You think I'm fucking happy knowing that I'm a burden to you both? You think I'm happy knowing everyone back home feels sorry for me because I was the only one who got hooked on cocaine? You think I'm happy, Mikey?! I'm the idiot who can't take care of himself! I'm the idiot who needs his fucking younger brother to babysit him! I'm the dumb motherfucker who gets bossed around by everyone! I had it under control before you and mom and dad stepped in. I could've handled it by myself! Do you even know why we moved here in the first place? Mom and Dad have an image to keep up. They can't let their friends and co-workers know their older son is a fucking drug addict. Does that sound fair to you? They made me move away from the place I call home, not because they care about me relapsing, but because they care about what people will say about them! And you know what, I don't need anyone to take care of me! I don't need them to feel sorry for me! If I'm such a burden to you, the door's over there. No one's holding you back. Leave. I'll help myself. I'll save myself."

I pushed Mikey aside and headed out the bedroom door. "Frank will help me" I muttered. I slammed the door shut behind me and quickly walked down the stairs. I heard nothing from upstairs, which probably meant that Mikey and Ray were still in shock about my rant. I was shocked too, my mind was still trying to process what I had said up there as I made my way to the backyard.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Frank stand up and walk after me. He didn't try to catch up to me. I guess he wanted to give me some space. Hopefully he would understand that I don't lose my temper like that very often. I didn't want to scare him off, he was the only friend I had at the moment.

I walked through the dry, dead grass that had not been fixed yet. I was heading straight to the forest, since it was just begging to be explored. I decided it was a good time to get lost in it, it would help me keep my mind off of what had just happened. With Frank still trailing behind me, I walked into the forest, hoping to find a peaceful place to sit and continue my conversation with him.

Notes

Half of this chapter was written almost three months ago, the other half was written about 20 minutes ago. I don't remember where I was going with this chapter so I apologize for it being shitty and kind of short.
I was going through a bit of writer's block while writing this chapter, so I did what I do best and walked away from it. I'm incredibly sorry and (hopefully) I will have the next chapter up by New Year's.
I love you all so, so much for still reading this story even though I'm horrible at updating.
Comments are greatly appreciated.
And once again, thanks to everyone who comments, reads, and subscribes!