Our Lady of Sorrows

I had gotten used to this while you were in the hospital and I couldn’t make it for visiting hours. (that reminds me, did he visit you?) Even before that, you’d always be locked in your study.

This time, eating alone feels different. The reason is obvious. The house is too quiet. There is no muffled music coming from your study. I can’t hear your beautiful voice sing along or mumble a ‘fuck’ when you mess up. I can’t keep from expecting you to walk through that fucking doorway with paint all over you. That hasn’t happened in months.

I don’t know how you always managed to get paint fucking everywhere, but it was adorable. I loved the fact that I got to be the one to wash the paint off later, watching the colors fall off your naked, beautiful body and swirl together at the drain. You would always smile knowingly and adoringly. I miss your crooked, seductive smile.

My hand trembles as it carries a measly amount of lo mein to my lips. I’m not even hungry. My mother bought it for me because she knew I wouldn’t. She only gave me a hug and a kiss, mumbling “Eat it. I love you.”, before she left. It’s scary how much a mother can know her child. She knows that’s all I need and want right now. I’m wallowing in my sadness, but I’m in love with it. I need these moments of quiet loneliness to prove that I can do this.

*

I can’t do this though. I’ve only known a life with you. I’ve been friends with you since fucking first grade, and you think I’ll be okay with you leaving me this suddenly? Somewhere in the back of my mind, a voice is nudging me, saying “It wasn’t suddenly.”

A year isn’t enough time for me to say goodbye to a lifelong friend, partner, and lover. You were literally my everything, Gerard. How do you expect me to sleep, knowing there is definitely no hope for you ever sleeping with me again? I need that hope, that one ounce of fucking hope that you love me and you are fighting to get back to me.

You didn’t fight hard enough. You never really did when it came to me. I know you knew I was a given. I wouldn’t leave you; I couldn’t leave you. I’ve built my life around you, and now it’s gonna fall to pieces, like Dr. Manhattan’s clockwork tower on Mars, silent yet devastating. Now do you get what you mean to me, Gee?

I know you loved me, Gee. You just never fought for me. You wouldn’t be the one intoxicated with worry over our fights. I was the one left worrying while you just waited for me to be over it. You never helped me over it. You watched me struggle. You are a giant in my life and you couldn’t and wouldn’t help me over the mountains it put in my way. I’m not trying to say you were horrible. I love you. I’m just saying help me, fight for me. You can’t now, but you could’ve.

*

The sheets feel so cold. It may be a figment of my lonely mind, but it feels so cold without you, Gee.

When we were young, I told you I hated having cold sheets, so you would warm the sheets up for me by rolling around on them like a maniac before I got in bed when we had sleepovers. When did you stop doing that for me, Gee?

I roll over to my other side because my left shoulder started to ache. I place my left hand on the icy pillow. I don’t know when the proper time to take off the ring would be, but I have a feeling I will be greatly surpassing it. But fuck the people who think it’s weird. I lost you, my fucking useless giant.

I’m such a hypocrite. I blame you for not helping me over my mountains, but I couldn’t help you over this huge one, the only one you asked for help with. I should’ve fought harder for you too. We might not be in this mess if I did from day one.

It’s not a ‘we’ anymore. It never will be again. I miss you already.

Notes

This is the shortest chapter I've ever written, but it made me cry while I was writing because I'm like in Frank's mind as he's fucking feeling this. Shit.

You all have beautiful minds.
-Alex:)