Never Let Go

Gerard wasn’t sure what he was expecting from the surprise visit to Frank’s place, but he wasn’t exactly disappointed with how things were turning out. It was far from the confrontation he would have bet this money on, and nothing like the last time he had stepped inside the apartment, when he was unceremoniously punched in the face and kicked out from Frank’s apartment. He would take kissing Frank over a punch any day. Frank’s lips weren’t soft, Gerard could feel the dry skin that was almost peeling off, but it was still pretty amazing, just from knowing it was Frank who was kissing him. It was Frank who had started it. Frank had kissed him, and this time, he couldn’t put it down to drink or drugs. This time, there were no excuses for Frank, and if Gerard had let himself think for half a second, that knowledge would have terrified him because it also meant that they were finally confronting whatever this was and the consequences of whatever they decided.

From the moment Frank had pressed his lips into Gerard's, it was like a dam of repressed emotions and desires had burst from the banks of the misery he had kept inside. The kiss was desperate, not at all gentle or seductive. It was the kind of kiss two people had when the last of their resolve was thrown out the window and they gave in to their mutual need. And fuck, did Frank feel like he needed Gerard right then. He had almost convinced himself that his ‘feelings’ were just a phase, something that wasn’t real. Then, Gerard had to turn up at his door, looking all angry, and broken and...well, Frank couldn’t stop the need he felt to do something to right the situation he was also at fault for. He know somewhere in the back of the mind that there was another way of dealing with an angry Gerard, but Frank had gone with his instinct, stopped thinking and just did what felt right,

Gerard didn't care about the guitar anymore. He didn’t care that he had spent the last few weeks in pain, heartbroken to the point where he was barely functional outside of work. All the doubts, shame, and self hate disappeared as he lost himself in the moment and finally got what he'd wanted for so long. Lindsey was forgotten about, and the guilt he should have been feeling was nowhere to be found. He couldn’t make himself feel anything other than the relief he was getting from the moment. He was being selfish, which wasn’t necessarily unusual for him, but to be as reckless as he’s been since he’s began to develop feelings for Frank, that wasn’t him. Or, it hadn’t been until now.

Frank didn't know what made him kiss Gerard the way he did. Okay, that was a lie. He knew why. He had tried to deny the truth, deny what it was he really wanted. He didn't want to think about the fact that he might not be the person he thought he was. He didn't want to acknowledge that something inside him had changed when he let Gerard into his life. Gerard made him realise that there was a side to himself Frank had never explored, a part of him that had lain dormant for years, hidden underneath the surface. He’s been lying to himself, and he was tired of it. He was so goddamn tired, and drained, and done with the constant sickness that lingered in the pit of his stomach whenever the thought of Gerard had popped into his head, unwanted.

The kiss felt longer than it was. Time had stood still in the most cliche way possible, like they were in some kind of movie. Nothing existed outside of their embrace, they were in a bubble where they were they only people in the world. Neither of them wanted to pull away, or break the moment and deal with the aftermath of the betrayal they were committing, in Frank’s living room, in the home he shared with Jamia. Gerard was breathless though, and certain he would faint if he didn't catch his breath.

There was silence when Gerard broke the kiss, bar the heavy breathing from the two men catching their breath. The silence wasn't awkward, it was far from it. There was no need to talk yet, or ruin the moment by forcing a discussion that wouldn't be easy. The silence was comforting, in it’s own way. They could avoid facing reality for a little while longer, and avoid the ‘where do we go from here?’ talk. For Gerard, it was also a way for him to avoid asking the questions he needed to ask, like ‘why now?’ and ‘what changed’. He knew eventually he’d need the answers, because as happy as he was in that moment, it wasn’t going to last. Gerard had already taken a lot of hurt and pain in the last few weeks because of Frank, and when the passion of the moment wasted away, he wasn’t going to let himself be exposed to the hurt all over again unless he got some goddamn answers from Frank.

The bubble of contentment lasted for a few mere minutes before it started to slowly ebb away. Nothing tore them away from it, there was no drama or interruption; it was just the slow realisation that time was moving on, that they had to move with it at some stage. The perfect little bubble was slowly getting smaller and smaller. Gerard moved first, just a half step back from Frank, to look at the smaller man. He took Frank in, the jeans and baggy T-Shirt, the slightly greasy hair, there was a small beer stain on the white and grey top. Frank looked tired, the combination of pale skin and dark circles making Gerard wonder if Frank had been sleeping enough lately.

Frank was suddenly more aware of himself when Gerard started to stare. Frank knew he looked like shit. He wasn’t sleeping, he was spending so much time in the studio that he almost forgot there was a world outside it. He knew it would be worth it, that the work would ease up eventually, but the exhaustion was a constant weight on his bones, following him everywhere. He was working his way up though, he had to pay his dues now. Frank was also aware that the apartment wasn’t in great shape. He’s left his beer cans out, and there was leftover pizza sitting in the pizza box on the couch, it’s scent still lingering in the air from when Frank had lazed out on the couch watching Terminator.

“So, uh…” Gerard broke the silence. His mouth was still a little open, his drunken brain trying to catch up with all the thoughts that were floating around and find something to say, but the words weren’t coming out. He felt sober when Frank’s lips had been on his, now that he had come back down from the high he was all too aware of the alcohol he’s consumed. His brain was still fuzzy, working double time to comprehend the situation.

“I guess we need to talk,” Frank supplied. Then he realised, he didn’t know what to say. He had no clue how to go about this, what it all meant. What was he meant to do in a situation which was completely absurd, so mind blowingly difficult to wrap his head around. There was no simple solution to it, nothing could be said that would make life easier for the two of them. No scenario cleaned the slate they had just sullied with their actions.

They had already fucked up, majorly. Frank couldn’t defend himself this time.

“What do you want, Frankie?” Gerard’s voice was soft, careful in his wording.

“I don’t know Gerard. I think about you all the fucking time even when I’m with Jamia. Fuck, I’ve missed you so much over the last few weeks, so much that I can’t keep denying that there’s something here. I just don’t know what this thing is, or what it says about me. I don’t know what I’m doing, Gerard. I can’t… I don’t know what this means, or what we’re supposed to do about it.” Frank was being honest, for the first time in months. The words he’d keep locked up inside were being released thrown out into the air, and all he could do was wait to see how they fell.

Gerard didn’t take his eyes off Frank as Frank spoke. Frank’s eyes had been wide with sincerity as he spoke, his left hand running through his hair as he talked.

“I don’t know either Frank, maybe we could just...I dunno...see where this goes?”

“So, you’re willing to just give up your life with Lindsey, have people look at you differently, when we don’t even know what exactly we are?” Frank’s tone was tinged with incredulity.

Gerard knew Frank had a point. This wasn’t as simple as cutting off ties with Lindsey and riding into the sunset with Frank. People would talk, rumours would get thrown around, and some people wouldn’t accept them. He knew he couldn’t let go of Frank though, not now when he was so, so close to finally having him. He couldn’t walk away now, not without a fight. Even if it meant becoming someone he didn’t ever want to be.

“We could keep it between us, for now.” Gerard threw it out there. He had nothing to lose by voicing the only reasonable option he saw for them. There was no other way, as despicable as it was He didn’t want to betray Lindsey. He didn’t want to be that guy who fuck around when he had an amazing woman. Frank wasn’t just anyone though, and his gut was telling him to fight. Be dirty if he had to be. The regret of walking away would be far worse than the consequences.

Frank let Gerard’s words wash over him. Could he really do it to Jamia? Could he lie to her, betray her, in such a way? He never thought he would ever see himself as a cheater. He never would have believed he was capable of ever doing something to deliberately hurt Jamia. She deserved better than to be with such a low life. But, he also knew he couldn’t not explore whatever was happening between him and Gerard. It was too consuming, too intense to ignore. Maybe if they could work it out of their system? Maybe once they gave in, the infatuation would fade away and they could go back to the way things were. They could be themselves again.

“We’d have to be careful, Gerard. They can’t know.” Frank pleaded.

The words stung a little, even though Gerard conceded that Frank was right about the reality of their current predicament. It was a necessary evil, one that wouldn’t last forever. Gerard, even when drunk, knew that secrets never stayed that way. His only hope was that they wouldn’t have to lie for long.

Gerard didn’t respond with words, instead he pulled Frank’s face to his and kissed him.

Notes

So, almost 2 years since my last update...if anyone is still reading this, thank you! I apologise for the wait. Any new readers, welcome!

Lyra xx