Never Let Go

Frank watched Jamia pack her bags, a ghost of a smile on his face as he lay on the bed in nothing but his boxers. His myriad of tattoos were on show in all their glory, due to the early morning. It was a beautiful Saturday morning, with the sun shining in a cloudless blue sky. It was the kind of day that made most people want to get up and spend the day outside under the damaging rays of the sun. Not Frank, though. He was content to stay inside, and hide from the sun's vicious rays.
“Try not to miss me too much when you’re gone.”
“Oh, don’t worry; I’ll be so drunk I won’t remember my name. This is a hen night we’re talking about.There’s no way I’d get away with not getting drunk.”
Jamia was heading away with the girls for a couple of days to Atlantic City. Her short dresses and high heels were all packed away, ready for a few days of debauchery that was a young bridal hen party. Frank wasn’t at all concerned about what she would get up to. Jamia was a smart girl, who could look after herself, something she had proven many times over the years.
Frank laughed, just a short breathy giggle, at the way her face scrunched up at the thought of the amount of alcohol they would probably go through. Their eyes met, and her face relaxed into a lazy grin. She zipped up her bag, before throwing it to the floor carelessly. Frank watched her with a lazy gaze when she crept onto the bed. Keeping their eyes locked, she crawled from the bottom of the bed slowly, until she was hovering over Frank’s still body. She straddled his hips, their pelvises perfectly aligned to give the two of them some friction. She slowly leaned over Frank, their chests pressing against each other when their lips met in a soft kiss. Jamia’s movements were slow and almost hesitant, fearful that she would once again be rejected.
Frank ignored the pinch of guilt that clawed at his chest, the guilt that reminded that it was his fault that she no longer felt confident in showing her affection. If he acknowledged that, he had to remember why he had avoided her touches and caresses. That, in turn, lead to him thinking about the one person he was adamant he would never think about again.
It kind of worked. During the day, he was able to push Gerard out of his head. Between work, and spending time with Jamia and doing anything that involved Frank not thinking, he was quite successful in blocking out the taller man’s image, and the look on his face when Frank had so callously abused him and thrown him out without any chance to redeem himself.
It was the night time that thwarted him. As much as Frank could wish and hope, he wasn’t in control of his subconscious mind. His dreams were filled with images of Gerard, in various scenarios. Some of them were just mundane dreams of them hanging out, or some stupid vague dream that Frank wouldn’t care to remember. Others, though, were far more vivid. Some of them would make him wake up, hard and breathing heavily as he tried to get the image of Gerard’s hand wrapped around him out of his head. Sometimes, he would dream about something less erotic but far more painful. They would be cuddling, or embracing, doing things that most couples did.
They confused him the most. They made him believe that maybe he could be happy with a guy, that maybe, just maybe[, a part of him really did want Gerard. That wasn’t a reality he would let himself entertain, though. He had Jamia. The wonderful, perfect, dream woman that was Jamia Nestor. The woman who had stuck by his side, and would be his wife one day. That was what he wanted - what he had wanted for so long. He had spent so many years just assuming that his life would go down a particular path. It was a perfectly good path, one that would guarantee him a contented life.
Only, sometimes, when he lingered on his dreams, he wondered if he really wanted that path anymore. He hadn’t let himself consider any other possibilities for his future. Certainly not one that meant questioning who he was. He put a stop to his wonderings quickly, though. His dreams were nothing but a slight fear that he hadn’t experienced enough of a life outside of being in a couple. He wasn’t going to let some curiosity, or irrational fear, mess up the best thing that had ever happened to him.
He pushed his thoughts away, and focused instead on Jamia’s soft lips, which were raspberry flavoured, and on the way she was rocking her hips over his slowly hardening erection. Her hands started ghosting over his chest, kicking Frank’s own hands into gear. He slipped his hand under her tank top, tracing his calloused fingers over her smooth back. She gasped at his cold touch, smiling into their kiss.
“You’re hands are fucking freezing!”
“Guess I’ll have to find a way to warm them up” He whispered huskily, before grabbing her hips and rolling her onto her back to take control.
**
Lindsey had left about two hours ago. Two long hours, and Gerard had already finished the bottle of vodka he had stored in the cupboard under the sink.
He hadn’t meant to drink so much. It was only meant to be one, just to calm himself down when he realised he had nothing to distract him from thinking about Frank. Frank; the guy who didn’t want Gerard. The guy who couldn’t admit who he was, even to himself. The man who had infected Gerard like a disease, infiltrating his thoughts and emotions. Frank, who hadn’t contacted him in weeks since the day he had kicked Gerard out of his home. Frank, who was still in his little bubble of denial. He didn’t want to acknowledge that there was something between them. He wanted his perfect, socially accepted life with his perfect girlfriend.
Gerard had done everything he could to drive the man out of his mind. Gerard worked twice as hard in work, trying to bring in the many needed changes that Dark Horse needed in the art department. When he wasn’t working overtime, he was spending his every second making Lindsey happy. Lindsey didn’t seem to question his extra attentiveness. She revelled in the little notes, and the little gifts he left for her sometimes. She enjoyed the fact that they spent their weekends cuddled up on the couch, watching some crappy horror movie and eating junk food. She thought that spending a few days apart had made him re-evaluate their relationship. It had, but just not in the way she had hoped.
Gerard was aware of the fact that it was wrong to use Lindsey as a crutch. She was a distraction, a way to avoid thinking about the person he really wanted. Gerard just wanted things to go back to the way they were before Frank came into his life. He was happy then.
Frank had done this to him. He had made him fall in love with him, with his perfect fucking smile, and his girlish giggle, and with the way he was so affectionate once he opened up. He had captivated Gerard with the way he talked, and how they could talk for hours about the force and who was truly more powerful, the Jedi or the Sith. The way he could play guitar was phenomenal, and the way he was so patient with Gerard, even when Gerard just couldn’t get the strumming right, no matter how many times Frank repeated it.
So, Gerard had one drink, to wind down and stop his racing thoughts. Only, it made them race more with every sip. One drink lead to a third, and once he was seething in anger at the unfairness of it all, and halfway through the bottle, he just kept on going, until he hoped he would just black out.
Now, he had finished the bottle, and he was drunk as hell, but nowhere near the point of blacking out into oblivion. He spent what felt like five minutes (which was really half an hour) staring at the wall, contemplating how to proceed with his evening, before he decided that more alcohol was needed.
He shrugged on his leather jacket, patted his pockets to check if his keys and his wallet were there, then he left his apartment, and trudged the familiar path to the local off licence for more vodka, and maybe some beers. Anything that would make him black out quickly, and forget about the guitarist, and how he had smashed Gerard’s heart to pieces.
Gerard didn’t notice how people eyed him with curiosity as he stumbled down the street, clearly way too drunk to be out in public. He blatantly ignored the cashier at the off licence, who considered refusing Gerard the alcohol, in fear that Gerard had already had too much. Gerard just glared at the young man, who wisely kept his mouth shut, and scanned the six pack and bottle of vodka wordlessly.
What Gerard did notice on his way back home, was the music shop. The one that had guitars displayed in the window. Mostly, they were electric guitars, but it was the shiny, freshly polished acoustic guitar that caught his eye. The one that was a replica of the guitar that Gerard had abandoned at Frank’s apartment four weeks ago.
The anger came back, in a vicious wave that made Gerard see red. Frank had taken his heart, and his sanity, and his ability to think straight for more than five seconds. Gerard was damned if he would let the guy take his prized guitar too.
That was what made Gerard change course. Instead of traipsing home, he was walking a well trailed path to Frank’s apartment complex. Luck had it that a teenage boy was leaving just as Gerard was about to buzz up, letting Gerard slip inside without giving Frank the chance to refuse him entry.
Gerard took the stairs, unable to stomach the idea of being inside the elevator. The thought of being in the small space made his stomach queasy. The walk up the stairs took twice the time it would take a sober person, but Gerard was just grateful he made it to Frank’s floor without tripping over his own feet.
He stood outside the door, just staring at the brass polished ‘109’ that let him glimpse at his reflection. He swayed on the spot, letting his anger abate, before he yelled his righteous fury for the whole floor to hear. Somewhere in the back of his mind, in spite of his hurt and anger, he just wanted to –
He wasn’t sure. Apologise? Ask for Frank’s friendship?
He thought about his options. He was miserable without Frank in his life. Far more miserable than when Frank was there, but unattainable. Maybe he just needed to have Frank in his life again. Maybe his anger, and the confusion, would go away eventually, once he learned how to see Frank as a friend again.
He made up his mind then and there that he wouldn’t get angry, like he'd initially planned. That he would remain calm. He would ask for his guitar back, then apologise. He would tell Frank he hadn’t meant what he said, that he had been confused, and that it was the leftover from the pills that had made him act that way. He could salvage their friendship, if he tried hard enough.
His knuckles wrapped the wooden door far more smartly than a drunk person should have been capable of. He swayed on the spot again, his hands reaching out to steady himself on the doorframe, while he waited the few torturous seconds it took for Frank to open the door.
There were two Franks, when the door finally opened. Gerard had to blink hard to get his eyes back into focus, an extremely difficult task,given his current state. He took in Frank’s messy dark hair, and the light stubble that graced his upper lip and jawline. His t-shirt was dirty and wrinkled, as were his sweatpants, but Gerard overlooked it.
“What are you doing here?”
Frank’s anger hadn’t eased any from the last time they had seen each other. Gerard could see Frank’s hands were clenched into fists, and for a split second, he wondered if Frank would actually hit him.
“I said, what are you doing here?”
Gerard swallowed, and attempted to stand up straighter. He wasn’t about to let Frank intimidate him.
“I want my guitar,” Gerard managed to not slur his words, something he was quite pleased about.
Frank’s face fell, one of his hands suddenly reaching to scratch of back of his neck. Gerard couldn’t help but notice just how adorable Frank looked when he looked so unsure, and the way his eyes widened.
“I…maybe you should come in,” Frank sounded guilty, though Gerard didn’t really register the tone. He followed Frank inside, surprised by how easily Frank let him in.
Frank led him into the sitting room.
“Uhm…I kinda broke your guitar,” Frank rushed out in one breath.
Gerard stared at Frank blankly.
“You broke it?” Gerard repeated slowly, certain he had misheard Frank.
“I’ll replace it, as soon as I can.”
Gerard just kept staring at Frank, waiting for an explanation. When Frank avoided his gaze, looking at the floor, to shake off Gerard’s drunken gaze, Gerard spoke again.
“How did it break?”
“It doesn’t matter. I’ll replace it, okay?”
Gerard opened his mouth to demand a more satisfying explanation, but then closed it quickly, when he reminded himself that this was his one opportunity to make amends with Frank.
“I’m sorry,” tumbled from his mouth, before his brain fully engaged with his mouth. “It was a mistake, Frank, and I’m really sorry that I ruined our friendship like that. I was fucking high, and I just-“
Frank watched Gerard ramble on, not even taking in the words that were flowing from Gerard’s mouth without much forethought. Gerard was swaying as he stood in the middle of the room; his hazel eyes were wide in earnest as apologies came out one by one. Frank couldn’t ignore how his heart was thumping when he took in the way Gerard was speaking from the corner of his mouth, and how bright his eyes were shining, even in the glassy haze that only alcohol would give.
Frank stopped thinking. He just let his subconscious take over the bizarre situation. Gerard didn’t register Frank stepping closer to him. It wasn’t until Frank had cupped his face that he finally stopped talking. When Frank pulled their faces closer together, Gerard didn’t fight it. He gladly closed the gap between their lips, and for the first time in the long anguishing weeks since they had parted, the pain in his chest eased.

Notes

I am so, so sorry guys. I hadn't realised it had been so long since I updated this story. I promise to never leave it so long to update again. I really hope this chapter makes up for my long absence. I went on holidays, then had interviews, then got a job, and last weekend, I moved, so life has just been hectic as fuck. Please, please forgive me.

I also have a new twitter account for my stories- follow me @MCR_Lyra, where you can ask me questions, maybe request stories and remind me to update if I take too long !

So, are you guys happy with this chapter? Please let me know.

Lyra xx