Someone Out There Loves You

It was late in the evening. The sun was still visible in the sky, though it wouldn’t be long before it completely disappeared. The diamond ring on my ring finger glinted in the dying light of day as I folded my arms across my chest. There was a cool breeze, which made me shiver, but I didn’t make any other movements. I wanted to appreciate the moment, take in the sight before me while I could.

It had been two years since the day I burst into Gillian’s office. Two years since I had made one last attempt to get back the man I loved. It was a long stretch of time, and looking back, it was hard to believe how things had changed in those forty-eight months. I no longer lived in the city, in a modern apartment that held so many memories of a time I could never get back. I lived in the suburbs now, in an idyllic house with a picket fence and a golden retriever dog in the back yard who was spoilt rotten. It wasn’t anything too fancy, nothing that was out of the ordinary, but it was perfect. Two years ago, I would never have imagine my life would turn out to be so...ordinarily cliché.

I had waited in the bar for over an hour, hoping that I would be given a chance to make amends for my mistakes. I wanted to prove that I could handle Gerard’s past. Whatever he did with Gillian, he did it because he felt he had no other choice. I knew that now. I didn’t want to let one moment of weakness destroy everything we had. The last few months showed me the potential we had, even if things got fiery at times. Neither of us were perfect, but the flaws and fights were what made us special. That spark kept us alive, made us connect in a way we couldn’t connect with others.

I watched the hour turn into an hour and a half, and then two hours. I slowly began to realise that he wasn’t coming. I believed, foolishly, that I could fix things. One text would erase the pain and heartbreak. Instead, I was alone, waiting for someone who lost their faith in me. I had doubted him, let my jealousy cloud my reaction, and now I was paying the price for it. I downed the rest of my wine, grimacing when I felt the bitter burn going down my throat and warming my chest.

The despair when I walked out of Delia's hit a depth I never knew existed. Whatever I felt before was nothing compared to the hopelessness of a dashed dream. I allowed myself to believe that, for once, I would get my happy ending. That someone out there would love me, in spite of my tendency to close myself off, and my issues with trust. I had let my worst fears come to pass, and I couldn’t blame anybody but myself. I tried, but it seemed that my flaws were just too great to conquer. The trek back home went by quickly, my mind filled with self-recrimination and a desperate need to curl up in a ball and never leave the comfort of my apartment again.

The doorman gave me a quick nod when I entered the building, and I somehow mustered the energy to give him a fleeting closed-lip smile. I took the stairs instead of the elevator; my legs weren’t ready to stop just yet. I wasn’t ready to walk back into the apartment, alone. The very idea that I had failed was tough enough; by stepping back inside the place I called home with Gerard made it all so real. The lump in my throat grew bigger with every step I took, and was physically painful when I got to my floor.

I thought I was hallucinating when I saw him, waiting outside the apartment. Leaning casually against the wall, his head bent as though the floor was the most fascinating thing ever. My heart skipped a beat, then started to beat wildly. The lump in my throat wouldn’t let me swallow, or use my voice. I was frozen, suddenly full of fear and a desperate need to cry and let all the emotion out. He wasn’t aware of my presence for a while, and I was in no rush to hurry the moment. I wanted to take him in, remember what he looked like, and how he was always slouched over, even as he leaned against the wallpapered wall. His long dark eyelashes were noticeable, even with the distance between us.

He did finally notice me, his hazel eyes meeting my brown ones. I started shaking, and my breaths were ragged. I couldn’t make myself speak, all I could do was look at him, silently beg him to make the first move. I stood there, like an idiot, wishing something, anything, would happen. Eventually, he broke the silence.

“Hey,” his voice was soft when he spoke.

“Hey,” I replied, almost choking on the word.

The silence that fell was stifling. I bit my lip, wanting to say something. Words just wouldn’t escape my throat. For a second time, he cut through the awkwardness.

“You said you wanted to start over, but I don’t know if I want to.”

The words crushed me, taking all the air from my lungs. My legs trembled on the spot, barely able to keep me upright. Gerard didn’t seem to notice my current state, or maybe he just didn’t care.

“Starting over means forgetting what happened before, and I can’t. I won’t. After I got your message, I was thinking about ‘us’, and how it went wrong. I retraced every step, every little thing I did to piss you off, all the times you got me seeing red. It suddenly came to me. We both run away whenever things get hard. We don’t like to face that we might be wrong, that maybe we made a mistake. We’re as bad as each other.”

He paused, standing up straighter, his hands in his coat pockets. His hair was all over the place, and even in that moment, all I wanted to do was run my hands through it and fix it.

“The thing is, at the end of the day, we both want the same thing. We just want someone to take us as we are, someone who can love us in spite of the fact we’re both pretty fucked up human beings.”

I heard the back door close with a gentle thump, and within seconds I felt a familiar presence behind me. My body relaxed, an automatic reaction to the feel of arms wrapped around me. The warmth made goose bumps prickle all over my arms.

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

I gave the question a little thought, before answering, still watching the sun setting on the horizon.

“Not really. But I think it’s for the best, don’t you?”

Gerard sighed wistfully, “You realise burning shit won’t actually change the past, right?”

I turned my face to face him. “I know, but this is a new beginning for us, Gerard; we’re starting a new chapter in our lives. I just want to make sure the last one is left in the past. I don’t want the reminders lying around, you know? Not because it hurts, or anything, but having stuff lying makes it feel like it’s part of the present, and it’s not.”

He smiled, and my heart skipped a beat like it did every time he smiled.

“Alright. I gotta say, I’m going to miss these jeans.” He said, pulling the jeans off their resting place on his shoulder. The jeans he wore on the night we met, the one that was almost like his calling card.

“You don’t even wear them anymore. Anyway, do you really think I’d let you wear them after we get married?”

“You just don’t want other women looking at my cute ass.”

“The day after tomorrow, that ass is technically half mine, so…no, I don’t want other people ogling what’s mine.”

“Fair enough. I’ll let you do the honours.”

He handed me the jeans, and I wasted no time in throwing them in an empty trashcan. Gerard handed me the gasoline, and watched me pouring it over the jeans.

I pulled the matches out of my pocket, my hands shaking from the cold as I took one out. I hesitated, before I handed it to Gerard.

“I think it should be you who does it. They were yours, after all.”

He took the matches, a thoughtful look on his face.

“Goodbye, old friend,” He said dramatically as he struck the match, setting the tip alight, “We had some good times together, but now it’s time for a final farewell. May we meet again on the other side.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at his theatrics, and with a flourish of his wrist he let the match fall into the trashcan. We were silent as we watch the jeans get caught up in the flames, both of us lapping up the warmth that came from the small fire. After a few minutes, the jeans completely disintegrated. Gerard got the hose to put the fire out, making a quick job of it.

“You know I didn't sleep with Gillian, don't you?”

Gerard's word's hung in the air. He brought up the one subject we never talked about. I could never bring myself to ask him what had really happened, if my accusations had been true; and Gerard had never confirmed or denied it. So, I had let it go, believing that some things were left unsaid. In my heart, I knew the truth.

“I know.”

Comfortable silence engulfed us, until the temperature began to drop.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m freezing. Let’s go back inside.” Gerard suggested, holding his hand out.

I took his hand, ignoring the spots of ink that dotted his palm. He had worked all day on his newest comic. He’d finally made it in the comic book industry, and I couldn’t have been prouder whenever I saw his hands stained from a day’s work.

“Alright.”

I followed him inside, a smile tugging at my lips. I’d finally found the person who loved me for who I was, and I loved him back just the same, even if we argued half the time and drove each other crazy. Things weren’t perfect, and they never would be, but as long as we had each other, we could get through anything.

Notes

I cannot apologize enough for the lack of updating. I just haven't had much time or motivation to even read, let alone write. I finally got myself together and wrote.

Let me know what you thought of the ending. Was it what you were hoping for? Please comment and let me know.

To anyone reading this, thank you for staying with this story. I truly appreciate every one of you.

Lyra xxx