Gerard was almost scared to come back to school. It wasn't unusual- he hated school and the people at it. But this time he was almost scared to see Frances. "Don't let a girl save you. It's beneath you." What type of girl would say that? What did she mean? And Gerard couldn't tell whether or not the smile she gave him when she said that was real or condescending. Just by the simple act of being kind and helping him, Frances made Gerard scared. Finally he told Mikey about it.
Mikey paused, thinking it over, before finally saying "Maybe she was just kidding. Like, trying to make you laugh."
"I don't think so.... She seemed like she meant it."
"Maybe you're just nervous." Mikey offered. Finally, Gerard accepted that.
He really was.
The next day, during math class, someone tossed him one note: "I'm gonna kill you, fag"
Gerard froze. He turned around just enough to see the threatening looks and laughs. He felt sick to his stomach, a terrible feeling spreading throughout his body.
The very second the bell rang, Gerard bolted out. He was positive someone was chasing him, and he was terrified of that possibility. Finally, he ran into a closet, slamming the door shut. He leaned against it for a moment, breathing hard, before sliding to the ground.
What was wrong with him?? Why was he always so scared? Why was he always so sure someone was going to attack him? Why did he constantly feel either the urge to start screaming as loudly as he could or to just burst into tears?
He moaned, burying his face in his hands. He started shaking, clenching his jaw as much as he could to prevent himself from crying. Suddenly, he yanked up the sleeve of
his shirt. He reached into his book bag, retrieving his broken sharpener. Still shaking, he held it barely an inch above his skin. He longed for the feeling of a razor biting his skin, longed for the pain he felt from it, the beautiful pain, the pain that made everything go away. He longed for the feeling of his warm blood to be running along his skin, the burning feeling in his arm. He could practically feel it.
Then all he could think of was what Mikey would say. The fact that Mikey needed him. He knew he had to be strong enough to be there for Mikey, but he couldn't help but feel as if he were all alone. All he wanted was for someone to comfort him.
He looked at his distorted reflection in the razor. Suddenly, the razor felt as if it were burning. He threw it across the room and then threw his hands over his ears, shaking hard as a sob escaped his throat. And then he couldn't stop crying.
Finally, he calmed down. He felt hollowed and light. But at least it wasn't numb. His eyes were still bloodshot and his face was still red from crying. His voice was still hoarse, but he got out of the closet and ran out of the school. He made up his mind- he'd just run home and lock himself in his room.
He barely ran down the front steps of the school when he saw Frances. She was sitting at the curb, leaning over a book. He froze as she suddenly turned around and looked at him. She held her eyes at his for a moment, taking his appearance in, before she smiled.
"Bad day?" She asked.
For some reason, the question didn't sound condescending. But she didn't even sound concerned. She sounded curious.
Gerard felt himself nod. "Yeah." He managed to say.
"That sucks." She shut the book and put it in her bag. She got up and walked next to Gerard. He stood dumbly, confused. She giggled. "Walk me home."
It wasn't a question and it wasn't a demand. It was a statement. Gerard nodded and they started down the block.
"Are, uh, you new here?" Gerard awkwardly asked after a long moment of silence passed. She stopped walking.
"Why are you talking?" She asked.
"I-uh- I just thought-" he stammered.
"Was it too quiet?" She asked. He nodded.
"No it wasn't. There's no such thing. Its a freaking gift when you're in absolute silence."
"Sorry." He said quickly. Suddenly, she burst into laughter.
"Jesus, I'm just trying to make you laugh. Stop taking me so seriously." She said. She grinned and looked at him through the corner of her eye. Gerard felt his face growing hot.
"I don't know what to take from you." Gerard explained. He felt on the edge again."You're confusing me."
"Of course I am. I am the definition of confusion." When Gerard tried to comprehend what she said, she asked "did you ever consider that when someone tells you something, it only sounds more profound then it really is?"
"You-" Gerard began. He felt beyond embarrassed, but a little of something else. Almost a little amused. "You really don't make much sense."
"No sense makes sense."
Gerard pushed his bangs out of his eyes. When he looked at Frances again, he suddenly started laughing.
Frances smiled and then turned.
"Wait, where are you going?" He called. She laughed and pointed behind her.
"I'm going home." With that, she turned and ran up the steeps of her house, slamming the door shut behind her. Gerard stood there, contemplating going up to the door and asking to talk to her a little longer, but didn't. He turned around and forced himself to walk back to his house.