The World Is Ugly, But You're Beautiful To Me

Fallyn's POV

~~~
It wouldn't stop, I'm in hell.
What happened between Katelyn and Jules keeps playing over and over again.

My best friend inviting her biggest enemy into her house, the argument and Jules killing her them finally, one last thing I hadn't expected on the first play through, watching the front door open as the me of the past walked in.

I pitied her, I knew what she was about to go through and couldn't do a thing to stop it or at least let her know that Katelyn hadn't really killed herself, that it just looked like that and her best friend hadn't abandoned her. I wish I could have been lucky enough to know that when I went into the house, when I walked up the stairs and when I saw Kat sprawled out on the bed, a pool of blood soaking into the carpet around her bed.

The scene had played out at least twenty times now and I'd felt myself gradually grow numb to it, shutting down any feelings I had left, it was the only way I was able to deal with the look on Katelyn's face when she realized what had happened to her.

I'd stopped trying to save her on the fifth time and just sat on the stairs, listening.

When I'd show up I originally moved out of the way but after a while had been too bothered and didn't budge when she snuck up the stairs and passed through me, I was like a ghost, I couldn't pick anything up and no one could hear me or see me, it was awful.

I'd cry every now and then, I wanted to go back to the tour bus, to the band, I wanted to escape the loop of the moment my life started to unravel, I wanted to curl up next to Frank on the couch and listen to him talk nonstop about his guitar.

I wanted to not be dead.

Katelyn, the angel one, had said I wasn't dead and wasn't supposed to be, at first I'd believed her too but now I was starting to think otherwise because what I'm trapped in seems exactly what my idea of hell would be like. Losing one of the most important people in my life over and over and over, no pause so I can get sleep or try to sort my emotions out, just the second it end it starts playing again.

If this is hell then I wonder what heaven's like.

Is it some magical, glittery place in the clouds where fat, winged babies fly around wearing halos, singing and playing golden harps made from unicorn tears or some shit like that?
Is heaven like a giant concert with your favorite band playing all your favorite songs with you right up against the barrier and once the gig ends you get to meet them?

That's kinda already happened to me but I'll gladly take it over what I've been given.

My idea of heaven would be what I had when I was alive.
Knowing I had a family who loved me, two brothers, two friends and the only guy I think I could ever love, on a bus going home to parents who I knew missed me and wanted nothing but to have me back. Finding someone who was just like me, understood how my brain worked and found each kooky thing I did to be funny and wanted to be around me, cuddling, playing guitar or just talking all night about anything that would come to mind.

I had heaven and I ran away from it, everything I get I deserve.

I've made the biggest mistake of my life and I'd do anything to take it back, I'd do anything just to tell the guys how sorry I am and how much I regret running away, I want to tell Mikey and Gerard that I think they're the best big brothers in the world and I want to tell Frank that I love him.
There's so much I want to say and I can't share any of it because no one can hear me.

I heard the sound of a lock rolling over and looked up, this was the part of the replay where I showed up, Katelyn was dead by this point and Jules and ran away like the coward she is, now there's nothing left but for me to suffer.

Just like always I walked in the door and quietly shut it behind me, walking up the stairs and trying to not make too much noise since at the time I thought Katelyn would just be asleep although in a minute or so I'd find out differently, the pool of blood and the still chest being the tip of point that she wasn't having a heavy sleep and was genuinely dead.

What I was expecting when passed me disappeared would be the music pouring from Kat's room being turned down before the sound of a scream that'd be me realizing my friend was dead and trying to wake her up but this time I heard nothing, no screaming and it didn't sound like the stereo was on, maybe it's finally stopped.

Is there some rule of death that says I have to suffer for a certain amount of time before I go to heaven or hell, is this how it works?

Is this some sort of test to see how I react to being faced with my past? I can think of a whole bunch of reasons for this to play nonstop, mainly as a punishment for running away from the best thing I've ever had.

I kept quiet for a couple of minutes still expecting to hear the sound of screaming and feeling confused when I didn't, there was nothing but silence throughout the entire house, I couldn't even hear the constant sound of the heater that I'd grown used to both in the real world when visiting Katelyn and this nightmare.

"Kat, is that you?" I called out as I stood up, it'd been touching Katelyn that brought me here so when things started to go haywire the only guess I could make was that maybe she's trying to get me out, hopefully.

The lights started to flicker, no it wasn't the lights. Everything flickered in and out, just like Katelyn did before I touched her, as if she were about to disappear and I got the feeling the house was getting ready to disappear as well, thank God, I just want to get the fuck out of here.

The flickering became even more intense and the darkness lasted for longer, making it seem like the house and everything in it was going to disappear permanently and after long enough it did, leaving me standing in the same black void I'd talked to Kat in but the different this time is that she wasn't here.

"Kat? Hello, somebody! Is anyone there?!" I was calling out, hoping a figure would magically appear and I wasn't feeling too picky about who it was either, I just didn't want to be left standing here forever, wondering if I was going to see light or another person.

I hope for a reply but I didn't get one, only the sound of my voice echoing off nothing and it continued like that until it eventually faded away, leaving me in silence again.

"Fallyn," I jumped when I suddenly heard someone say my name and then went straight to confusion when I looked around and saw no one and didn't hear an echo, "Fallyn, wake up." Great now I've got voices in my head because that's what it certainly feels like, I'm going crazy and it doesn't even feel like it's been a day yet.

The blackness rumbled beneath my feet and I flung my arms out so I didn't fall over when the shaking didn't stop, this is like I'm on a bad drug trip, I really don't like it, maybe I was taking the looped scene for granted.

"Fallyn, you need to wake up now." The shaking got even more intense and I cocked my head to the side, trying to figure out why the voice in my head sounded so familiar, it wasn't Katelyn's and it wasn't Jules, I've heard their voices enough to be able to know that at least.

"Frank?" I wondered, it sounded kinda like him but it was faint and I was used to hearing him happy and this voice sounded serious.

"Come on Sleeping Beauty, wake up. You can do this." How on earth was I supposed to wake up when I'm already wide awake and even then how could I not be awake with how hard everything's shaking?

I stumbled back when I saw a glowing white line run through the ground, like a crack, proving that there was actually a floor in here and it wasn't just complete nothingness for miles, at least I think it isn't.
Another line shot out and other, more and more to the point of there being too many for me to count, there was nothing but thousands of glowing, white cracks spreading out in every possible direction.

"Fallyn."

I heard the voice once more.
Then the ground opened up.

~~~

I bolted upright, gasping for breath and feeling a series of uncontrollable shakes run over my skin, making me feel like I was vibrating even when I know I was sitting very still and I couldn't have moved even if I wanted to.

Because someone had their arms around me.

"Frank?" I whispered, looking down at the black and blonde hair, feeling his arms tighten until I felt squashed and I realized it wasn't me who was shaking, it was him.

"You're alive, oh thank fuck. You're alive." He kept saying over and over, the shaking still not stopping and I struggled but lifted my arms up and put them around him as best as I could, trying to hug him back but it was difficult.

"It's okay, Frankie," I told him, not used to him being like this, he was usually so calm and laid back, it didn't seem like anything ever fazed him but despite all that here he was, a babbling and shaking ruin.

"Not it's not! Please don't ever leave me again. I can't live without you, I love you." If I hadn't been still already I would have frozen, I knew he was planning on saying that he loved me back when I was on the bus but I thought he would have changed his mind, I've probably put the band through so much drama.

I'd never had anyone say they loved me before, not Cath, not my friends, not a guy, I'm sure I would have heard it when I was little and living with my real family but my memory wasn't planning on coming back anytime soon so it's not like any of it mattered.

As far is I was concerned Frank was the first person to say they loved me and it felt...it felt good and it made me feel happy in a way I'd never felt before.

I already knew I loved Frank, I'd decided it when I was in the car with Rose and it was a part of me realizing I'd made a mistake but being around him and knowing it was something else, I got a warm, bubbly feeling in my chest I wasn't used to and it felt like there were butterflies fluttering around in my stomach.

"I love you too," I murmured, the words didn't feel right at first since I'd never said them before but I grew more comfortable with them the longer they sat in the air, Frank drawing back after a minute or two then looking at me.

"Fallyn, you're in hospital. You were put in he because you jumped off the top of your school building. Do you remember that?" I shook my head, I know I didn't jump and I didn't know where Frank could have gotten that idea but I definitely remember Jules pushing me off and I needed to make sure she got hell for it.

"I didn't, I didn't jump, I wouldn't do it. Jules, she was saying how she wanted me to die like Katelyn then she pushed me off. Frank, she murdered Kat, she murdered my best friend, Katelyn didn't kill herself." It was jarring to remember what I'd seen while in limbo or whatever it's called but what I knew was the truth and everyone needs to know it, Jules was a cold hearted murderer and a coward who needs to be punished.

"What, you mean the one who bullied you?" He asked and I nodded, feeling myself tear up just thinking about what Katelyn went through but I couldn't do a thing to change it now.

"Yes, Katelyn showed me and she didn't kill herself. Jules went over to her house because she didn't like who Kat was dating then they got into a fight and Jules had a go at her with a letter opener. It opened Kat's wrist right up and she died, the police said it was suicide because they didn't bother to investigate anything and the truth is that Jules is a murderer and Katelyn didn't kill herself. Frank we have to let everyone know," I talked quickly as I looked out the hospital window, the storm that'd already been going when I arrived here and picked up and the windows were vibrating as if someone was hitting them hard.

"Fal's, we'll tell everyone but first we have to get out of here. We have to get far away. The storm's gotten worse and worse, I think there's gonna be a tornado and we can't get caught up in it. We'll have to come back to Blackford another day." I was shaking my head, I couldn't leave, I owed it to Katelyn to make sure the whole town knew what a fucking bitch Jules was, that she was crazy and fucked up enough to murder someone over a boy.

I wasn't even angry for what she did to me, I was angry for what she did to Kat.

"No, no we have to tell the people now. Once I leave Blackford I'm never coming back." That was the truth, I wanted to see Jules pay for what she did, that's all I wanted then I'd leave Blackford and never come back, never think of it again.

"We have to leave, please listen to me. I want you to get what you want but I want you to be alive as well. This town is going to be flattened and your brothers are waiting for you downstairs, think of them and let's get out of here alive, okay?" I didn't want to listen to Frank but I could see the desperate look in his eyes, he'd probably gone through hell to bring me back and he didn't need anymore stress for the day.

"Alright, let's go," I told him and he smiled brilliantly before kissing me, it was short and sweet, nothing like what we did out in the snow but it still filled me with a certain warmth I knew that only Frankie could provide.

He let me go and I leaned back with my hands resting on the bed to hold myself up as he pulled off his jacket and passed helped me put it on over my ripped shirt that appeared to have been cut right down the front by a pair of scissors. I guess they tried to use a defibrillator to bring me back, it obviously didn't work either.

"Can you walk?" He asked as he zipped the jacket up, covering my nearly completely bare chest, making me feel a lot warmer and a lot safer.

"I don't know." I'd fallen from the top of a building and would have broken a lot of things, I know Frank's blood could make me come back from the dead but would it be able to fix broken legs or a broken spine?

"Here try to stand up," he put an arm around my waist and helped me slide of the hospital bed, "do you think you're gonna be okay?" I straightened my legs and tried to take a step forward, only to tumble and nearly fall over, the only think holding me up was Frank.

"I don't think so."

"How about I help you walk then?" He offered and I nodded, taking another step forward and holding onto Frank, I could trust him not to let me go and I knew he'd even go to the effort of carrying me if he had to.

I took shaky steps towards the door of the hospital room, wanting to get out as soon as possible. I missed the familiarity of the tour bus and wanted to be either back in my bunk or in Frank's, anywhere I knew I'd be happy with.

We slowly made it into the hallway, the feeling just as slowly coming back to my legs and making it a little easier for me to walk but I would have undoubtedly fallen down if I didn't have Frank to support me. I think I would have struggled to hold myself up even with the help of crutches or a wall, it was almost as if my legs were made of jelly or completely numb, it's not that I couldn't control them, it was that I couldn't feel them at all.

I was hoping none of the hospital staff would look at me for too long, notice the blood that would be on my face, my ripped and muddied jeans or the sticks I could feel mixed in with my tangled hair that probably looked like a birds nest.

It was surprising when I didn't get that many looks, just a few glances that lasted for a couple of seconds before they looked away and went back to what they'd already been doing, I think they thought I was someone who'd come in from the storm. It was raging hard enough for normal people to take shelter in the hospital.

"Thank you, Frankie," I mumbled as we awkwardly walked down the stairwell, only one of the elevators worked now and it was being taken up by all the people in stretchers and hospital beds.

"What for?" He asked, us having finally reached the second floor, there was still another flight of stairs left but the walking was rapidly getting easier and I almost didn't have to lean on Frank at all and was glad I could hold myself upright.

"For coming and getting me when I ran away. What I did was really selfish and really stupid, I realized I was starting to feel something for you then I panicked and ran. It's just that I've never been in love with someone before and I didn't know how to deal with it, I should have talked to you not made you and the guys go so far out of your way to come get me." I still felt like an awful person, I felt the worse for what I did to Frank, he loved me and I'd put him through a lot of stress that he didn't need or deserve.

"It wasn't selfish and it wasn't stupid. You coped with your feelings the only way you thought you could and you shouldn't blame yourself for it. The one thing that matters is that you're alive, happy and know where your heart is at." I found myself smiling as he talked, Frank could always make me feel better and was doing just that now even when he had all the rights in the world to be made at me.

"I love you, Frankie," I sighed, cuddling him even tighter and breathing in the smell of him from his jacket.

"I love you, Fallyn," he replied, gently kissing the top of my head and causing my heart to beat just that little bit faster.

We reached the ground floor and Frank pushed the stairwell door open allowing me to step through into the hallway outside the hospitals main waiting room. I instantly wondered where Gerard and Mikey were when I couldn't see them, I only hoped they weren't outside in the storm, I didn't want them to get hurt.

"Where are they?" I asked, standing outside the waiting room with Frank and looking in, going over all the people and looking for a face that I recognized or at the very least liked.

"They should still be here. Gerard and Mikey were sitting over there..." His voice trailed off when we both saw Ray and Bob sitting in the chairs near the front door, Bob with his head in his hands and Ray staring into the distance.

I didn't understand it for a moment but after thinking I realized they thought I was dead, I was alive and standing right here but to them I was in a body bag in the morgue or somewhere as equally horrible.

"Guys!" I started walking over to them with Frank's arm around my waist and everyone in the waiting room looked up, including Ray and Bob whose eyes widened when they saw me.

They took their time to stand up but once they were on their feet they moved a lot faster than they should have in public and once they I was within arms reach of them I was practically squashed to death by their joint hug.

"You're alive. How on earth are you alive?" Out of the two I wasn't expecting for the one who hugged me hardest to be Bob but I didn't protest and hugged the both of them back as well as I possibly could since I still felt weak from what had happened.

"You can thank Frank for that," I told them, feeling him standing behind me and smiling at the pair once I was free to breathe again.

"Frank, you're a miracle worker but we need to get Fallyn outside to see Gerard and Mikes now, they're both. I-I don't know, I haven't got words for it." I agreed, if Gerard and Mikey had spent so long looking for me heaven knows what they must feel like now, probably like crap, I had to go outside...wait they're outside?!

Summoning all my strength I pushed past Ray and Bob and moved as fast as I possibly could towards the glass doors and pushed them open, walking outside into a storm like nothing I'd ever seen before, howling rain and a wind so strong it could almost blow me over.

I could hardly see anything and squinted to see through the rain constantly hitting me but after stumbling along far enough I saw my two brothers.

They were on the ground, slumped against the wall of the hospital, Gerard with his head on Mikey's shoulder who had his glasses seemingly discarded beside him, I couldn't tell if they had somehow managed to fall asleep out in the rain but there was one thing I knew with certainty, rain or no rain...

That they were both covered in blood.

Notes