I'm really not okay.
Chapter 8- Number thirteen
That moan was so fucking perfect, I need more. More moans and more Gerard. This is all I've wanted for years and now it's happening and I'll be damned if I am going to let this moment go to waste.
I move my hands so that one is in his hair, tugging lightly, and one clinging to the collar of his shirt, refusing to let him go.
Gerard's hands starts massaging my hips and I wince at the pain shooting through my cut up hip. This doesn't go unnoticed as Gerard humms against my lips and I knew he's asking why I winced. Meanwhile he continues massaging my hips and it no longer stings, it actually feels really fucking nice.
I pull back, ever so slightly. "It was nothing," I mumble and Gee nods. He then moves one hand to my hair, pulling and successfully yanking my head back. I fear that this is it, that this is going to hurt and he's going to hurt me again for bring a disgusting fag. That is until Gee softly nips at my sweet spot and then starts to suck and FUCK!!! That feels fucking amazing. I clasp my fingers in his hair and pull on his hair showing my appreciation as I moan a really fucking whorish moan.
Gerard smirks against my neck as his lips plant kisses up to my ear, capturing my earlobe in his teeth and nipping gently. "You know," he seductively whispers. "You are my beautiful little fairy, Frankie!" Gee purrs. Fuck, when he says it like that I don't mind being called a fairy. Not one fucking bit. "Mine!" he growls and holy shit the way he says that makes me moan again and pull on his beautiful cherry red locks which, in turn, had his moaning too.
"Fuck, Gee," I gasp out, interrupted by a breathy moan. Gerard starts kissing down again and soothingly licks and kisses the mark he had left on my neck.
His hands make quick work of removing my tie as he continues scattering soft kisses and little nips across my neck and jaw. His artistic fingers work quickly on my buttons and he is quickly placing his lips over my chest. Then he clasps his soft pink lips around my left nipple, sucking and biting and it is incredible. I can't believe I haven't felt this before. I moan softly, encouragingly brushing my fingers through his hair and tugging. He moves his attention to my navel, licking down toward the waist band of my jeans.
Gerard starts kissing toward my left hip and, before I can stop him, he reaches my bandaged up hip and looks up at me worried.
I clasp my hand over my mouth and as I begin frantically doing up my shirt he rips off my dressing and gasps, looking from my hip to me with horror in his eyes. "What is this, Fairy?" he whispers. "Did I do that?" he asks, equally as worried and upset as before.
I grab my bag and run out of the room, away from the boy I love who was begging me to come back. But I don't, I just continue running back to my house because, seriously, I have messed up big time!!!
I just got back to my house and find that it is only 2:30 and my mother won’t be home for hours, this gives me time to tidy the house and perhaps save myself from her rage.
I wash the dishes, vacuum the carpets and tidy away all of her rubbish from the previous night and the house is looking so much better. Surely she can’t be angry once she sees the improvement, right? Please let me be right, please let just one thing turn out well.
I make my way to my room and start up my laptop. By the time it is on it is 4:10. What the fuck happened to my life? It literally fucking whooshes past! Not cool! I log into Facebook and I have three messages.
Mikey:
‘Dude, what the flying fuck happened in your tutor session? When I got home Gee was already here and, I’m not sure, but he looked like he’s been crying. WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!?!?!?’
I decide not to tell him, how could he understand without me telling him about my cutting? He couldn’t, exactly! And it isn’t like I can let someone else know that I’m a sad little cutter now can I? So, as per usual, I lie.
‘Hey, Mikes. Idfk what your bro’s deal is; jack shit happened. We finished early because he got the topic and it was too late to start a new one. Why should I care if he cries anyway? It has NOTHING to do with me! /:’
The next message is from Ella Bran. Why is she messaging me? I swear this girl has been crushing on me since the beginning of the year because, like fucking seriously, she is constantly finding excuses to talk to me and even when I leave her maths class she continues to pester me. For fucks sake, I hate people so much.
Ella:
‘hiiiii fraaankieeee. Saw u wernt in maths. y? were hav u been? Iv misd u! xxxxxxxxxxxxxx’
See what I mean, she clearly is fucking obsessed. What the fuck. Not only is she obsessed but she also types like a fucking nine-year-old. Fuck me.
‘Ella, leave me alone. I don’t like you back. I’m gay so fucking stop your pathetic attempts at … flirting? I guess that is what is. Whatever, just stop messaging me!’
There, sent.
Shit. That was really fucking harsh.
Ah well, zero fucks are given.
I open the next message and any guesses who sent it?
Correct, that beautiful red-headed boy. The epitome of perfect.
Gerard:
‘Frankie, I’m so fucking sorry about hurting you! I didn’t mean to do it, I just get so angry!’
That was just message one…
‘Franks, why did you run away from me when I saw the cuts that I had put on your skin? Why did you run from me? Did you regret what happened? I’m sorry if I confused you and I’m sorry that I hurt you!’
‘Frankie, baby, please reply.’
‘Fuck, you hate me, don’t you?’
‘Fairy, please reply. You never reply. I need to know that you’re okay. Please, Frankie? PLEASE!’
Just as I’m about to type a reply I hear the front door slam shut. Shit. Mum’s home and she sounds like she’s PISSED, in both senses of the word! Oh fuck! “FRANK ANTHONY IERO!” I hear her angrily slur up the stairs. Fuck.
I run down the stairs to my mother to find that she is lounging on the sofa with a bottle of vodka. Fucking excellent. “Yes, mother?” I murmur, casting my gaze downward to my feet.
“LOOK AT ME WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU!” she screams and I instantly snap my head up to look into her eyes, so full of hatred and anger. “Do you remember your father?” she slurs. I nod because of course I remember him, I see him every fucking week. “Remember when he left to live with that blonde skank?” she inquires. Yet again I nod because this only happened on October 31th of the year just passed – which was about 3 months ago – AKA Halloween… AKA my 16th birthday. “Do you know,” my mother begins, standing on her unsteady feet. “Why he left us, Frank?” she asks, venom seeping out of her words.
“Because he loved her more than he loved you,” I said without thinking. SHIT!
I feel the repercussions of my foolish words when the back of my mother’s hand meets my, previously, un-bruised cheek. “SHUT YOUR FILTHY MOUTH, FRANK!” she says, striking me again. Suddenly my mother stumbles up the stairs and to her room. I slowly make my way up to my room to get my phone to call Izzy, she always calms me down with stuff like this happens. Before I reach my room, however, my mother is pulling me back by my hair and throwing me down the stairs and I swear that I feel my cuts split and a rib crack. “HE LEFT BECAUSE HE HATES YOU! HE LEFT BECAUSE YOU ARE A DISGUSTING FAGGOT! HE LEFT BECAUSE, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, HE WOULD RATHER LOSE THE BEST THING IN HIS LIFE THAN LIVE WITH YOU!” she screams as she descends the stairs and starts kicking me. “HE,” *kick* “LEFT,” *kick* “BECAUSE,” *kick* “YOU,” *kick* “WERE,” *kick* “EVER,” *kick* “BORN!” *kick*.
My mother grabs her car keys and leaves, screaming a few more profanities about how my existence is a mistake. I slowly crawl upstairs to the bathroom, quickly removing my shirt to assess the damages and find that a few ribs are misshapen. My hip, however, looks fine. Too fine. I reach to the back of the cabinet and grab it, my cold friend.
I press the blade to my skin, hard, and drag it across my hip. Number one for eating an apple today – I’m too fat to be eating. Number two for kissing Gerard – that was fucking stupid. Number three for running after I kissed Gerard – That was pathetic. Number four for being lying to Mikey – he deserves better than me. Number five for being mean to Ella – she is so much nicer then I will ever be and I was really unkind. Number six for not replying to Gerard – he probably feels hurt because it’s never nice being ignored. Number seven for making my Dad leave – my Mum loves and misses him and she’s right, it’s all my fault. Numbers eight, nine, ten, eleven and twelve for existing – I’m too fat, ugly, pathetic, selfish and disgusting for this world. Finally, number thirteen for being gay – it’s a disgusting sin and God doesn’t approve.
I rinse off my hip and get it wrapped up before going to my bed, shutting off my laptop – ignoring the constant beeps that it makes whenever you receive a Facebook message and I curl into a tight ball and fall into a deep sleep.
I hope I never wake up.
I move my hands so that one is in his hair, tugging lightly, and one clinging to the collar of his shirt, refusing to let him go.
Gerard's hands starts massaging my hips and I wince at the pain shooting through my cut up hip. This doesn't go unnoticed as Gerard humms against my lips and I knew he's asking why I winced. Meanwhile he continues massaging my hips and it no longer stings, it actually feels really fucking nice.
I pull back, ever so slightly. "It was nothing," I mumble and Gee nods. He then moves one hand to my hair, pulling and successfully yanking my head back. I fear that this is it, that this is going to hurt and he's going to hurt me again for bring a disgusting fag. That is until Gee softly nips at my sweet spot and then starts to suck and FUCK!!! That feels fucking amazing. I clasp my fingers in his hair and pull on his hair showing my appreciation as I moan a really fucking whorish moan.
Gerard smirks against my neck as his lips plant kisses up to my ear, capturing my earlobe in his teeth and nipping gently. "You know," he seductively whispers. "You are my beautiful little fairy, Frankie!" Gee purrs. Fuck, when he says it like that I don't mind being called a fairy. Not one fucking bit. "Mine!" he growls and holy shit the way he says that makes me moan again and pull on his beautiful cherry red locks which, in turn, had his moaning too.
"Fuck, Gee," I gasp out, interrupted by a breathy moan. Gerard starts kissing down again and soothingly licks and kisses the mark he had left on my neck.
His hands make quick work of removing my tie as he continues scattering soft kisses and little nips across my neck and jaw. His artistic fingers work quickly on my buttons and he is quickly placing his lips over my chest. Then he clasps his soft pink lips around my left nipple, sucking and biting and it is incredible. I can't believe I haven't felt this before. I moan softly, encouragingly brushing my fingers through his hair and tugging. He moves his attention to my navel, licking down toward the waist band of my jeans.
Gerard starts kissing toward my left hip and, before I can stop him, he reaches my bandaged up hip and looks up at me worried.
I clasp my hand over my mouth and as I begin frantically doing up my shirt he rips off my dressing and gasps, looking from my hip to me with horror in his eyes. "What is this, Fairy?" he whispers. "Did I do that?" he asks, equally as worried and upset as before.
I grab my bag and run out of the room, away from the boy I love who was begging me to come back. But I don't, I just continue running back to my house because, seriously, I have messed up big time!!!
I just got back to my house and find that it is only 2:30 and my mother won’t be home for hours, this gives me time to tidy the house and perhaps save myself from her rage.
I wash the dishes, vacuum the carpets and tidy away all of her rubbish from the previous night and the house is looking so much better. Surely she can’t be angry once she sees the improvement, right? Please let me be right, please let just one thing turn out well.
I make my way to my room and start up my laptop. By the time it is on it is 4:10. What the fuck happened to my life? It literally fucking whooshes past! Not cool! I log into Facebook and I have three messages.
Mikey:
‘Dude, what the flying fuck happened in your tutor session? When I got home Gee was already here and, I’m not sure, but he looked like he’s been crying. WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!?!?!?’
I decide not to tell him, how could he understand without me telling him about my cutting? He couldn’t, exactly! And it isn’t like I can let someone else know that I’m a sad little cutter now can I? So, as per usual, I lie.
‘Hey, Mikes. Idfk what your bro’s deal is; jack shit happened. We finished early because he got the topic and it was too late to start a new one. Why should I care if he cries anyway? It has NOTHING to do with me! /:’
The next message is from Ella Bran. Why is she messaging me? I swear this girl has been crushing on me since the beginning of the year because, like fucking seriously, she is constantly finding excuses to talk to me and even when I leave her maths class she continues to pester me. For fucks sake, I hate people so much.
Ella:
‘hiiiii fraaankieeee. Saw u wernt in maths. y? were hav u been? Iv misd u! xxxxxxxxxxxxxx’
See what I mean, she clearly is fucking obsessed. What the fuck. Not only is she obsessed but she also types like a fucking nine-year-old. Fuck me.
‘Ella, leave me alone. I don’t like you back. I’m gay so fucking stop your pathetic attempts at … flirting? I guess that is what is. Whatever, just stop messaging me!’
There, sent.
Shit. That was really fucking harsh.
Ah well, zero fucks are given.
I open the next message and any guesses who sent it?
Correct, that beautiful red-headed boy. The epitome of perfect.
Gerard:
‘Frankie, I’m so fucking sorry about hurting you! I didn’t mean to do it, I just get so angry!’
That was just message one…
‘Franks, why did you run away from me when I saw the cuts that I had put on your skin? Why did you run from me? Did you regret what happened? I’m sorry if I confused you and I’m sorry that I hurt you!’
‘Frankie, baby, please reply.’
‘Fuck, you hate me, don’t you?’
‘Fairy, please reply. You never reply. I need to know that you’re okay. Please, Frankie? PLEASE!’
Just as I’m about to type a reply I hear the front door slam shut. Shit. Mum’s home and she sounds like she’s PISSED, in both senses of the word! Oh fuck! “FRANK ANTHONY IERO!” I hear her angrily slur up the stairs. Fuck.
I run down the stairs to my mother to find that she is lounging on the sofa with a bottle of vodka. Fucking excellent. “Yes, mother?” I murmur, casting my gaze downward to my feet.
“LOOK AT ME WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU!” she screams and I instantly snap my head up to look into her eyes, so full of hatred and anger. “Do you remember your father?” she slurs. I nod because of course I remember him, I see him every fucking week. “Remember when he left to live with that blonde skank?” she inquires. Yet again I nod because this only happened on October 31th of the year just passed – which was about 3 months ago – AKA Halloween… AKA my 16th birthday. “Do you know,” my mother begins, standing on her unsteady feet. “Why he left us, Frank?” she asks, venom seeping out of her words.
“Because he loved her more than he loved you,” I said without thinking. SHIT!
I feel the repercussions of my foolish words when the back of my mother’s hand meets my, previously, un-bruised cheek. “SHUT YOUR FILTHY MOUTH, FRANK!” she says, striking me again. Suddenly my mother stumbles up the stairs and to her room. I slowly make my way up to my room to get my phone to call Izzy, she always calms me down with stuff like this happens. Before I reach my room, however, my mother is pulling me back by my hair and throwing me down the stairs and I swear that I feel my cuts split and a rib crack. “HE LEFT BECAUSE HE HATES YOU! HE LEFT BECAUSE YOU ARE A DISGUSTING FAGGOT! HE LEFT BECAUSE, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, HE WOULD RATHER LOSE THE BEST THING IN HIS LIFE THAN LIVE WITH YOU!” she screams as she descends the stairs and starts kicking me. “HE,” *kick* “LEFT,” *kick* “BECAUSE,” *kick* “YOU,” *kick* “WERE,” *kick* “EVER,” *kick* “BORN!” *kick*.
My mother grabs her car keys and leaves, screaming a few more profanities about how my existence is a mistake. I slowly crawl upstairs to the bathroom, quickly removing my shirt to assess the damages and find that a few ribs are misshapen. My hip, however, looks fine. Too fine. I reach to the back of the cabinet and grab it, my cold friend.
I press the blade to my skin, hard, and drag it across my hip. Number one for eating an apple today – I’m too fat to be eating. Number two for kissing Gerard – that was fucking stupid. Number three for running after I kissed Gerard – That was pathetic. Number four for being lying to Mikey – he deserves better than me. Number five for being mean to Ella – she is so much nicer then I will ever be and I was really unkind. Number six for not replying to Gerard – he probably feels hurt because it’s never nice being ignored. Number seven for making my Dad leave – my Mum loves and misses him and she’s right, it’s all my fault. Numbers eight, nine, ten, eleven and twelve for existing – I’m too fat, ugly, pathetic, selfish and disgusting for this world. Finally, number thirteen for being gay – it’s a disgusting sin and God doesn’t approve.
I rinse off my hip and get it wrapped up before going to my bed, shutting off my laptop – ignoring the constant beeps that it makes whenever you receive a Facebook message and I curl into a tight ball and fall into a deep sleep.
I hope I never wake up.
Notes
^The many faces of my gorgeous friend Izzy (yes, the character is mainly based on her) ... Anyway she read a preview of this before I uploaded it to you guys and asked me to add her comment:
'I fucking love you frank you’re amazing fucking get with geraf|”!'
Anyway............
Sorry about the horrible evil mother.
I'm so evil for doing this.
DON'T HATE ME!
And thank you for reading, I hope you liked it because it means a lot to me when you guys say that you enjoy my stupid writing!
Charley <3
@Thatonefriend
Well it might not have tied up all the ends, but I read the last chapter & it seems like an ending, although the author said "no more than four more chapters" so yeah p much the end.
12/22/18