I'm really not okay.
Chapter 24- Back to school
The whole of Monday was spent calling up funeral directors and florists (etc) to sort out my mother's funeral, which we have arranged for this Wednesday (19/2/13). After all of that me and Gee didn't get to do... stuff... because he had to go home and get his shit ready for school, which I go back to tomorrow. It is now 11PM and I have my bag packed for school and my uniform all ready. I am so fucking organised. I am laying in bed thinking about Gerard and deliberating whether or not I should call him. Surely he'd be asleep right? Fuck it. I'm calling him.
"Heya, Baby, what's up?" Gee chirps after just one ring.
"I am just bored and nervous about tomorrow and horny and I can't sleep," I complain.
"Horny?" he questions me, his tone implying that this is the most exciting thing he has ever heard.
"Trust you to pick up on that. Can you please just talk to me, about anything. I need your voice to soothe me. You always calm me down and now I think this is the only way I'll ever be able to get to sleep!" I ask Gerard in an admittedly whiny voice.
"Okay, Baby. So I was watching Heroes on Netflix right, and I haven't ever watched it before so my feels are being fucked over. It is so shitty! But the show is so good that I have to keep watching it! Fucking stupid amazing programmes!" Gerard rants. I chuckle but allow him to continue talking about random shit, which consists of character analysis and - completely wrong - plot predictions. After about fifteen minutes I feel myself physically calm and relaxed enough to sleep.
"Gee, Babe, feel free to keep talking but I'm going to go to sleep if that's okay. I'm really tired now that your beautiful voice has relaxed me. I'll see you at school, okay?" I say before thinking about the next day with Gerard. "Hey, tomorrow is Tuesday which means we have from lunch onward together!" I add.
"Shit, I totally forgot about our tutor sessions, we haven't had any for two weeks!" Gee chuckles. "Well I'll go to bed too then, Sugar. I love you, sweet dreams," he says, kissing the phone.
"Love you too, Babe. Sleep well. Can't wait to see you tomorrow, I missed you tonight! Anyway, yeah I love you. N'night," I yawn, kissing my phone in return to Gerard.
"You too, Fairy," Gee whispers before hanging up and I fall asleep almost instantly, dreaming about Gerard.
'DARE' by Gorillaz blares through my phone at 7AM, waking me up for school. Normally I would fucking dread going to school but today I was genuinely excited because I got to spend so much time with Gerard. I get dressed and head downstairs with my bag. I grab a couple of pop-tarts, eating them along with a glass of milk. I sit on the sofa, switching Kerrang! TV on, and sing along to the songs that I know until I have to leave for school. I walk to school alone, which I truly don't mind because it gives me time to listen to more music and play out some daydreams in my head.
I arrive just on time, because I walk really fucking slow apparently, and walk into Mr. Bines's form room, taking my seat next to Izzy.
"Sup, Frank? Do much with Gee yesterday?" she says, smirking and quirking her eyebrow suggestively.
"Umm... this is awkward... we planned my mother's funeral..." I whisper and she visibly stiffens.
"Fuck, I'm so sorry, Franks! I guess I forgot! I'm such a shitty friend!" she fusses, grabbing me into a really motherfucking tight hug,
"Iz, it's fine. Chill the fuck out. I promise that I'm fine. Please just act normal, I know teachers will be treading on egg shells and I just want you to treat me normally, just like you did on Saturday, okay?" I ask her as we hug and I feel her nod against my shoulder, placing a kiss to my cheek before she pulls back. I smile at her which she returns.
Form is pretty shitty. We don't do fucking anything and Mr. Bines kept looking over at me really sympathetically and shit and I fucking hate it. I appreciate that he is sorry for my loss and shite but he is looking at me like I just watched a village full of children get burnt to the ground. It is just making me feel a fuck tonne more vulnerable.
Me and Izzy head to ICT where, strangely enough, Iz is actually doing work. "Izzy, why are you working?" I enquire; to which she explains that she realised, working the duration I was off, she has potential to achieve an A in ICT. "Oh, okay. Fair enough then," I smile. Izzy gets up from her seat to talk to Mr. Crain about the work she suddenly decided to care about.
"Hey," I hear come from behind me. I turn around and see Daryn, the school's biggest bully. I mean yeah Gee was the worst to me but Daryn is shitty to fucking everyone. I roll my eyes at the dirty grin on his face. I can already tell how this'll go. "So Dan said he saw you run up to Gerard last week and kiss him..." he starts his accusations.
"Who the fuck is Dan?" I ask, uninterested in what he has to say.
"Dan Cowling. Doesn't even fucking matter. Point is that you proved the obvious. You are a massive fag, aren't you Frank?"
"Shut the fuck up, Daryn. I don't want your shit. I am gay, yes. What the fuck is your problem?" I grit my teeth at him. He rises from his seat, making his was to mine. I look toward the teacher's desk, intimidated, looking for Izzy to fucking help me... yes I'm that pathetic. But instead of seeing my friend stood there, able to help, I see her leaving the room with the teacher.
Fuck.
"What the fuck did you just say?" Daryn growls with fists clenching at my collar.
Fuck.
"Nothing. Please just leave me alone," I beg. Fucking pathetic. He laughs in my face before looking around at his friends who are now laughing too. No one else in the class is even fucking phased.
Fuck.
"Begging, huh? Such a pathetic faggot!" he spits venomously. That is when he throws me up against the wall and the first fist collides with my stomach. Then his friends crowd around and they are all throwing punches and hurling abuse at me like 'faggot', 'die', 'emo', 'loser', 'kill yourself'... shit that I am used to hearing but seriously my mum just fucking died! I don't even try to fight back. I drop to the floor and curl up into a ball. I'm so fucking pathetic.
After a few minuted Daryn calls back his minions and they back away from me, allowing me to just cry into my knees. I get up after a few more minute, grab my bag and run out of the lesson. Out of the school. I start running home. I need to go home. I need to cut.
When I reach my house I run straight to my room, grabbing my last blade. I roll up my shirt and as I push the blade to my skin, just before I drag it across my skin and actually cut myself, my phone rings. I look at the caller ID. It's Izzle-pop. She must have got back and seen that I'd fled the room. Fuck. I decide that the blade can wait for me to talk to Iz.
"Frank, where the fuck are you? What the fuck happened?"
"Everyone hates me," I sigh, a stray tear escaping my eye.
"What are you talking about, why would everyone hate you?" she asks, clearly worried.
I ignore her questions. "I just... I don't want to be here..."
But Izzy persists with her questioning. "I don't hate you. Why the fuck would you think people hate you? What fucking happened?"
"People hate me because I am a cunt," I say simply.
"You aren't a cunt. You're wonderful, you haven't done anything wrong!"
"I am a cunt. I shouldn't fucking bother,"
"No you're fucking not. And bother with what? What's happened?"
"Fucking breathing. Why the fuck do I even bother to draw fucking breath? I just waste Oxygen!" I growl, beginning to get as angry as I am sad.
"No you don't, that's not true! Don't say that. You aren't a waste of space or Oxygen!"
"It is so fucking true! I fucking am!" I feel my eyes beginning to water but attempt to hold down my tears. Stop being so fucking pathetic, Iero.
"It's fucking not, this world would suck without you in it,"
"Oxygen is precious and I just fucking waste it!" I scream. "And no, the world would be the exact fucking same.I make no fucking impact on anything or anyone,"
"Don't you ever fucking say that, it would not be the fucking same..."
I cut her off. "And when people argue otherwise they are just fucking wrong,"
"No, you're wrong! You make a huge impact on people; you make a huge impact on me,"
"I am not making the impact, having shared interests does," I argue.
"And you've made a huge impact on everyone and, I'm not trying to direct this onto me, you are the only person who really gets me!"
"I just fucking make everyone miserable!" I disregard her.
"You're my best fucking friend and I would die for you. You dont make me miserable; you make me smile and want to carry on... shit Franks, I would be dead if it wasn't for you and I would be so alone. You have no idea how much you mean to me,
you're the only one who fucking gets it,"
"But how could I possibly make you want to live?" I shout, causing some of the gathered tears to streak down my face.
"Oh for fucks sake, Franks. Stop talking for five minutes, just fucking listen, okay?" I hum and say nothing else, interested in hearing what she could possibly say to convince me. "Thank you. You're so strong and even now when you feel like the world is fucking crushing you you're still fighting and you haven't given up and you make me feel strong and if you can carry on then so can I and you are not miserable you are my best friend. You mean the entire world to me and all of our friends, not to mention Gerard, and you're one of the best people I've met and my life would not exist if you were not in it i can't imagine it without you..." I can no longer stop the tears and my face is dripping tears so fucking quickly as soon as I release the mass of tears. She continues. "Fuck it if we have similar interests, that's just a bonus the fact is i relate to you more than anyone I have known ever and that's a fact and you're so strong and you carry on even though the entire world is sitting on you and it makes me want to carry on and keep you going even though you want to sleep and never wake up i won't let that happen because you're my bestfriend and don't think that you're insignificant or a waste of everything because you're not you are an important factor and have influenced peoples lives and you're amazing and hilarious and I swear to god life is fucking shit and I'm sorry it is but one day we'll fucking pull through this I don't care if you don't believe me but I will not let this kill you we'll be sitting in rocking chairs and laughing about miss fax. " she stops, laughing softly which causes me to smile through the tears. "Fuck that we will be miss fax and we'll think about Lord Of The Rings and shit. Please don't think you mean nothing because you mean the world to me and so many people love you and I love you and I think you're fantastic and I really do and I know I sound hypercritical but seriously you are not alone and I know it's so hard right now but I will help you as much as I can!" she stops with an audible gasp because she did rush that beautiful fucking speech out rather quickly. After a few minutes of silence she softly speaks again. "I need you to reply to me," she says shakily.
"I love you," I whisper.
"I love you too, Frank! Never forget that! Never hesitate to call me when you feel like this whether it is 5AM or in the middle of a fucking lesson, which I am right now," she giggles. "I will seriously always be happy to help you. I'm always here!" she reassures me.
"Thank you so much, Iz. You mean the fucking world to me," now my tears are now less tears of sadness and more tears of... affection... affection tears are a thing right? They are now.
"You're always welcome. You never need to thank me. You mean the entire fucking universe to me. You mean more than anything, just try to remember that when you can, you will never be alone,"
"You mean the Universe to me too, Iz. More than Lord Of The Rings, Black Veil Brides, All Time Low, Pierce The Veil, Of Mice And Men and Bring Me The Horizon combined!" I chuckle.
"You too, Frank. You are number one on my list of things that matter to me!"
"Izzy, you are literally my non-romantic soul mate," I say with a smile.
"I like that," I can hear her smile as she speaks. "You too, Frankie. Like a best friend and a soul mate combined!" she laughs.
"You can always rely on me too, Izzy. Okay?"
"Thanks, Frankenstein. I'll remember that. It means a lot to me, know that I'm always here too, okay?"
"Seriously Izzy, call me at any fucked up hour with any fucked up problem. I love you so much, thank you,"
"Love you too, Franks. Before I hang up and actually attend school," she jokes. "Please tell me what happened?" she pleads.
"Daryn and his goons called me a fag and shit then beat me up..." I whisper.
"Shit, you okay?"
"I'll be fine. Bye, Izzy. Thanks for this call," I smile.
"Bye, Franks, Talk later," and with that I hang up. I pick up my last blade. I don't fucking need this shit. I walk to the bathroom and drop it down the drain. I'm stronger and better than a blade. I have people who I can rely on. Blades aren't my friends.
I sit downstairs, watching Kerrang! TV as I had in the morning. The doorbell goes off at about 11AM so I get up and answer the door.
What I see as I open the door shocked me beyond belief. Gerard is stood there, covered in blood. Most of the blood is on his hands but some is on his clothes and face. "Franks, it's okay, it's..." then he collapses into my arms.
What the fuck happened?
"Heya, Baby, what's up?" Gee chirps after just one ring.
"I am just bored and nervous about tomorrow and horny and I can't sleep," I complain.
"Horny?" he questions me, his tone implying that this is the most exciting thing he has ever heard.
"Trust you to pick up on that. Can you please just talk to me, about anything. I need your voice to soothe me. You always calm me down and now I think this is the only way I'll ever be able to get to sleep!" I ask Gerard in an admittedly whiny voice.
"Okay, Baby. So I was watching Heroes on Netflix right, and I haven't ever watched it before so my feels are being fucked over. It is so shitty! But the show is so good that I have to keep watching it! Fucking stupid amazing programmes!" Gerard rants. I chuckle but allow him to continue talking about random shit, which consists of character analysis and - completely wrong - plot predictions. After about fifteen minutes I feel myself physically calm and relaxed enough to sleep.
"Gee, Babe, feel free to keep talking but I'm going to go to sleep if that's okay. I'm really tired now that your beautiful voice has relaxed me. I'll see you at school, okay?" I say before thinking about the next day with Gerard. "Hey, tomorrow is Tuesday which means we have from lunch onward together!" I add.
"Shit, I totally forgot about our tutor sessions, we haven't had any for two weeks!" Gee chuckles. "Well I'll go to bed too then, Sugar. I love you, sweet dreams," he says, kissing the phone.
"Love you too, Babe. Sleep well. Can't wait to see you tomorrow, I missed you tonight! Anyway, yeah I love you. N'night," I yawn, kissing my phone in return to Gerard.
"You too, Fairy," Gee whispers before hanging up and I fall asleep almost instantly, dreaming about Gerard.
'DARE' by Gorillaz blares through my phone at 7AM, waking me up for school. Normally I would fucking dread going to school but today I was genuinely excited because I got to spend so much time with Gerard. I get dressed and head downstairs with my bag. I grab a couple of pop-tarts, eating them along with a glass of milk. I sit on the sofa, switching Kerrang! TV on, and sing along to the songs that I know until I have to leave for school. I walk to school alone, which I truly don't mind because it gives me time to listen to more music and play out some daydreams in my head.
I arrive just on time, because I walk really fucking slow apparently, and walk into Mr. Bines's form room, taking my seat next to Izzy.
"Sup, Frank? Do much with Gee yesterday?" she says, smirking and quirking her eyebrow suggestively.
"Umm... this is awkward... we planned my mother's funeral..." I whisper and she visibly stiffens.
"Fuck, I'm so sorry, Franks! I guess I forgot! I'm such a shitty friend!" she fusses, grabbing me into a really motherfucking tight hug,
"Iz, it's fine. Chill the fuck out. I promise that I'm fine. Please just act normal, I know teachers will be treading on egg shells and I just want you to treat me normally, just like you did on Saturday, okay?" I ask her as we hug and I feel her nod against my shoulder, placing a kiss to my cheek before she pulls back. I smile at her which she returns.
Form is pretty shitty. We don't do fucking anything and Mr. Bines kept looking over at me really sympathetically and shit and I fucking hate it. I appreciate that he is sorry for my loss and shite but he is looking at me like I just watched a village full of children get burnt to the ground. It is just making me feel a fuck tonne more vulnerable.
Me and Izzy head to ICT where, strangely enough, Iz is actually doing work. "Izzy, why are you working?" I enquire; to which she explains that she realised, working the duration I was off, she has potential to achieve an A in ICT. "Oh, okay. Fair enough then," I smile. Izzy gets up from her seat to talk to Mr. Crain about the work she suddenly decided to care about.
"Hey," I hear come from behind me. I turn around and see Daryn, the school's biggest bully. I mean yeah Gee was the worst to me but Daryn is shitty to fucking everyone. I roll my eyes at the dirty grin on his face. I can already tell how this'll go. "So Dan said he saw you run up to Gerard last week and kiss him..." he starts his accusations.
"Who the fuck is Dan?" I ask, uninterested in what he has to say.
"Dan Cowling. Doesn't even fucking matter. Point is that you proved the obvious. You are a massive fag, aren't you Frank?"
"Shut the fuck up, Daryn. I don't want your shit. I am gay, yes. What the fuck is your problem?" I grit my teeth at him. He rises from his seat, making his was to mine. I look toward the teacher's desk, intimidated, looking for Izzy to fucking help me... yes I'm that pathetic. But instead of seeing my friend stood there, able to help, I see her leaving the room with the teacher.
Fuck.
"What the fuck did you just say?" Daryn growls with fists clenching at my collar.
Fuck.
"Nothing. Please just leave me alone," I beg. Fucking pathetic. He laughs in my face before looking around at his friends who are now laughing too. No one else in the class is even fucking phased.
Fuck.
"Begging, huh? Such a pathetic faggot!" he spits venomously. That is when he throws me up against the wall and the first fist collides with my stomach. Then his friends crowd around and they are all throwing punches and hurling abuse at me like 'faggot', 'die', 'emo', 'loser', 'kill yourself'... shit that I am used to hearing but seriously my mum just fucking died! I don't even try to fight back. I drop to the floor and curl up into a ball. I'm so fucking pathetic.
After a few minuted Daryn calls back his minions and they back away from me, allowing me to just cry into my knees. I get up after a few more minute, grab my bag and run out of the lesson. Out of the school. I start running home. I need to go home. I need to cut.
When I reach my house I run straight to my room, grabbing my last blade. I roll up my shirt and as I push the blade to my skin, just before I drag it across my skin and actually cut myself, my phone rings. I look at the caller ID. It's Izzle-pop. She must have got back and seen that I'd fled the room. Fuck. I decide that the blade can wait for me to talk to Iz.
"Frank, where the fuck are you? What the fuck happened?"
"Everyone hates me," I sigh, a stray tear escaping my eye.
"What are you talking about, why would everyone hate you?" she asks, clearly worried.
I ignore her questions. "I just... I don't want to be here..."
But Izzy persists with her questioning. "I don't hate you. Why the fuck would you think people hate you? What fucking happened?"
"People hate me because I am a cunt," I say simply.
"You aren't a cunt. You're wonderful, you haven't done anything wrong!"
"I am a cunt. I shouldn't fucking bother,"
"No you're fucking not. And bother with what? What's happened?"
"Fucking breathing. Why the fuck do I even bother to draw fucking breath? I just waste Oxygen!" I growl, beginning to get as angry as I am sad.
"No you don't, that's not true! Don't say that. You aren't a waste of space or Oxygen!"
"It is so fucking true! I fucking am!" I feel my eyes beginning to water but attempt to hold down my tears. Stop being so fucking pathetic, Iero.
"It's fucking not, this world would suck without you in it,"
"Oxygen is precious and I just fucking waste it!" I scream. "And no, the world would be the exact fucking same.I make no fucking impact on anything or anyone,"
"Don't you ever fucking say that, it would not be the fucking same..."
I cut her off. "And when people argue otherwise they are just fucking wrong,"
"No, you're wrong! You make a huge impact on people; you make a huge impact on me,"
"I am not making the impact, having shared interests does," I argue.
"And you've made a huge impact on everyone and, I'm not trying to direct this onto me, you are the only person who really gets me!"
"I just fucking make everyone miserable!" I disregard her.
"You're my best fucking friend and I would die for you. You dont make me miserable; you make me smile and want to carry on... shit Franks, I would be dead if it wasn't for you and I would be so alone. You have no idea how much you mean to me,
you're the only one who fucking gets it,"
"But how could I possibly make you want to live?" I shout, causing some of the gathered tears to streak down my face.
"Oh for fucks sake, Franks. Stop talking for five minutes, just fucking listen, okay?" I hum and say nothing else, interested in hearing what she could possibly say to convince me. "Thank you. You're so strong and even now when you feel like the world is fucking crushing you you're still fighting and you haven't given up and you make me feel strong and if you can carry on then so can I and you are not miserable you are my best friend. You mean the entire world to me and all of our friends, not to mention Gerard, and you're one of the best people I've met and my life would not exist if you were not in it i can't imagine it without you..." I can no longer stop the tears and my face is dripping tears so fucking quickly as soon as I release the mass of tears. She continues. "Fuck it if we have similar interests, that's just a bonus the fact is i relate to you more than anyone I have known ever and that's a fact and you're so strong and you carry on even though the entire world is sitting on you and it makes me want to carry on and keep you going even though you want to sleep and never wake up i won't let that happen because you're my bestfriend and don't think that you're insignificant or a waste of everything because you're not you are an important factor and have influenced peoples lives and you're amazing and hilarious and I swear to god life is fucking shit and I'm sorry it is but one day we'll fucking pull through this I don't care if you don't believe me but I will not let this kill you we'll be sitting in rocking chairs and laughing about miss fax. " she stops, laughing softly which causes me to smile through the tears. "Fuck that we will be miss fax and we'll think about Lord Of The Rings and shit. Please don't think you mean nothing because you mean the world to me and so many people love you and I love you and I think you're fantastic and I really do and I know I sound hypercritical but seriously you are not alone and I know it's so hard right now but I will help you as much as I can!" she stops with an audible gasp because she did rush that beautiful fucking speech out rather quickly. After a few minutes of silence she softly speaks again. "I need you to reply to me," she says shakily.
"I love you," I whisper.
"I love you too, Frank! Never forget that! Never hesitate to call me when you feel like this whether it is 5AM or in the middle of a fucking lesson, which I am right now," she giggles. "I will seriously always be happy to help you. I'm always here!" she reassures me.
"Thank you so much, Iz. You mean the fucking world to me," now my tears are now less tears of sadness and more tears of... affection... affection tears are a thing right? They are now.
"You're always welcome. You never need to thank me. You mean the entire fucking universe to me. You mean more than anything, just try to remember that when you can, you will never be alone,"
"You mean the Universe to me too, Iz. More than Lord Of The Rings, Black Veil Brides, All Time Low, Pierce The Veil, Of Mice And Men and Bring Me The Horizon combined!" I chuckle.
"You too, Frank. You are number one on my list of things that matter to me!"
"Izzy, you are literally my non-romantic soul mate," I say with a smile.
"I like that," I can hear her smile as she speaks. "You too, Frankie. Like a best friend and a soul mate combined!" she laughs.
"You can always rely on me too, Izzy. Okay?"
"Thanks, Frankenstein. I'll remember that. It means a lot to me, know that I'm always here too, okay?"
"Seriously Izzy, call me at any fucked up hour with any fucked up problem. I love you so much, thank you,"
"Love you too, Franks. Before I hang up and actually attend school," she jokes. "Please tell me what happened?" she pleads.
"Daryn and his goons called me a fag and shit then beat me up..." I whisper.
"Shit, you okay?"
"I'll be fine. Bye, Izzy. Thanks for this call," I smile.
"Bye, Franks, Talk later," and with that I hang up. I pick up my last blade. I don't fucking need this shit. I walk to the bathroom and drop it down the drain. I'm stronger and better than a blade. I have people who I can rely on. Blades aren't my friends.
I sit downstairs, watching Kerrang! TV as I had in the morning. The doorbell goes off at about 11AM so I get up and answer the door.
What I see as I open the door shocked me beyond belief. Gerard is stood there, covered in blood. Most of the blood is on his hands but some is on his clothes and face. "Franks, it's okay, it's..." then he collapses into my arms.
What the fuck happened?
Notes
I FIXED MY GERARD WAY BOXHEAD WHICH MY SISTER CRUSHED!
YEY!
SO..
The chapter was clearly mainly based on Izzy and Frank because I haven't focused on their friendship enough.
What d'ya think happened to Gee?
Umm.. It is like 5AM... I need to be up to get ready for school in two hours...
MY LIFE IS A FUCKING MESS!
I NEED NOT TO SPEND EVERY MOMENT THINKING ABOUT FANFICTION!!!
Anyway, thanks for reading, I love you guys and your comments! :3
Charley <3
@Thatonefriend
Well it might not have tied up all the ends, but I read the last chapter & it seems like an ending, although the author said "no more than four more chapters" so yeah p much the end.
12/22/18