I'm really not okay.
Chapter 14- Reunion
“Frank, do you feel like sharing something about yourself?” the group counsellor asks me.
“No,” I snap. “Actually,” I quickly change my mind. “There is one thing that I want to say,” I say, smiling sweetly at… Linda? For some reason I want to say that her name is Linda but I truly don’t know or care. I’m not going to be here long enough to need to know her name, I need to get back to Gee.
“Excellent, okay, feel free to tell everyone whatever you feel,” she smiles and me, gesturing to the other patients who stare at me expectantly.
“Well I just wanted to tell everyone that I know that this is my third day but I can already feel that I don’t need to be here anymore, the counselling has really helped me understand my emotions and thoughts and now I know that if I feel worthless I can always talk to someone…” I trail off, being sickeningly sweet because it’ll make me look happy and then I can leave. If I show my true emotions they won’t let me leave because I’m so fucking depressed! But it’s only because I’m here, away from Gerard, he is the only thing that makes me happy and keeping me from him doesn’t help me one bit but they don’t get that so here is plan b. “Preferably my boyfriend, Gerard, or if he can’t talk for some reason then there are some many helplines, did you guys know about them?” I ask the other patients. Another part of my tactic, if I demonstrate social competence then I will appear as though I’m perfectly healthy.
Linda is literally grinning at the bullshit that I spewed. I mean of course I would take to Gee when I feel worthless but the counselling hasn’t helped, it just really fucks me off because the fucked up the schedule and it clashes with my computer time so I haven’t even been able to inbox Gee or Izzy or anyone. And I won’t need a fucking helpline because Gee loves me and if I couldn’t contact him then I have Izzy which I’m only just accepting. Shit, the counselling has helped me realise that. I hate being wrong. Urgh. Although, if I ever lost them, then I suppose that a helpline would be a great device because It’s anonymous so no one can judge you.
Shit, I’m wrong. This place has helped. Fucking shit. Ahh well, I am glad to be getting better. I know that I won’t need to hurt myself anymore. And I can eat now too. Not quite as much as I should but I do manage about one-thousand-two-hundred calories a day and that is enough to sustain me.
This place has done all that it can for me and what I need now is Gerard.
My heart literally hurts from how long we have been parted. I love him so much that not being able to see him, even when he used to torment me, hurts me physically and it makes me dizzy. It is like I have an actual need to be with him, like I need him to live. Gerard Way is my drug and I’m not getting enough of him and it hurts. I’m going into withdrawal and it is horrible and I just fucking need him.
“That’s excellent, Frank,” Linda smiles. “Okay, guys. That’s the end of group counselling,” Linda announces and I get up to go to my room. “Frank, can I talk to you?” Linda asks. I smirk before turning around. I’m pretty fucking sure that my plan is working. Fucking score! “Frank, I have spoken to Grace and she said that you’ve shown in your counselling sessions that all of the negative thoughts and dangerous behaviour is in the past and after you shared that lovely little monologue earlier,” she chuckles which I mimic, making me look very more competent. “I am inclined to agree,” she smiles which I also mimic but this time not as a tactic, through genuine joy and excitement.
“Are you fucking serious?” I squeal to which Linda nods. “Okay, so what does that mean?”
“Well, me and Grace have to fill in the forms and then you can go,” she informs me and I feel tears prick in my eyes. I can’t believe that I’m actually fucking able to get away from this place. I know that it’s only been like three days but I haven’t contacted anyone, most importantly Gerard, since I was shouting to Gerard that I loved him as that nurse tore me away and brought me here. “To be honest,” Linda continues. “I don’t think you needed to be brought here at all. I feel like we tore you away from your real salvation and having counselling sessions would have sufficed. But better safe than sorry I suppose,” she finished. “Now sod off, I have a lot of paper work to do!” Linda winks. I feel bad for saying that I didn’t care about her name earlier because she is actually pretty fucking lovely and funny. I laugh and leave, waving a goodbye.
I walk into the canteen for an early dinner as it is 5PM but I figure that if I can just go to bed then I can sleep then I can go! I walk up to the kitchen intendant and ask for some mashed potato. Turns out that I fucking love mashed potato, not as much as I love Gerard but I love it none-the-less. Once I finish a whole serving of mashed potato, which I feel pretty proud of, I literally run to my room. I grab the MP3player, which the staff gave me when I got here, and put it on shuffle letting the music fill my ears.
I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve, desperate to sleep and reach the next day but finding that you just can’t fucking sleep.I find my mind racing with excitement to see Gerard. I get up to walk around, hoping to tire myself out. By the time I’ve walked around the ward three time and am successfully tired I go back to my room to find that it is 10PM. How fucking slow do I walk? Oh well, I don’t even care. I get back in bed and curl up into a tight ball and sleep into a Gerard Way filled dream.
I am awoken by someone lightly shaking me. I look up and see Lynda stood there with a huge smile. I remove my headphones and sit up, rubbing my eyes. “Morning, Lynda,” I sigh.
“Why so sulky, Franks? Aren’t you excited to be going home?” Lynda asks concerned. Holy shit, I totally forgot!
“I totally forgot about that! Fucking yes!” I shouted, throwing my arms around Lynda because after she has helped me get out of this place she at least deserves a thank-you hug.
“Well, the paperwork is done so you can leave at whatever point in the day that you’d like,” Lynda smiles at me after she pulls away from the hug.
“Thank you, Lynda. Thank you so much!” I scream as I get up and pack my shit.
It is 8:45AM and I’m ready to go so I say goodbye to everyone and the ward call me a cab, paying for it. When I go to return the MP3player they say I can keep it and it may not seem like much but for someone who really doesn’t have a lot, i.e. me, it really means a lot. I thank them before climbing into the taxi and giving it the address where I want it to be dropped off.
I get out of the taxi and run to the languages block and to room 5, where I knew he would be as it is his form room. As soon as I open the door I scan the room for that familiar red-headed angel. As soon as I spot him I rush over to him. “Hey, Babe,” I whisper so that no one else hears because I don’t want Gerard’s reputation to be damaged.
Gerard snaps his head round to look at me, tears in his eyes and a grin on his face as soon as he sees me. “Frankie, you’re okay!” Gerard whisper shouts. “I’ve missed you so much, Fairy, so fucking much,” and I cry at that. He missed me too.
“I missed you too, Gerard. I love you so much!” I whisper.
“I love you too, Frank Iero. I love you with all of my fucking heart!” he says right before he grabs my face and presses his lips to mine. Fuck, I’ve missed this so much. I drop my bag on the floor and wrap my arms around Gerard’s neck as he wraps he encircling his arms around my waste. This is so perfect. I can feel all of his emotions in this single kiss. Our lips move together perfectly. It is only now that I realise that Gerard is kissing me in front of his whole form, who will definitely tell everyone by second period. Gerard has just risked his entire reputation for me, because he truly does love me. And I love him with every single fibre of my being.
And I don’t care who knows it.
“No,” I snap. “Actually,” I quickly change my mind. “There is one thing that I want to say,” I say, smiling sweetly at… Linda? For some reason I want to say that her name is Linda but I truly don’t know or care. I’m not going to be here long enough to need to know her name, I need to get back to Gee.
“Excellent, okay, feel free to tell everyone whatever you feel,” she smiles and me, gesturing to the other patients who stare at me expectantly.
“Well I just wanted to tell everyone that I know that this is my third day but I can already feel that I don’t need to be here anymore, the counselling has really helped me understand my emotions and thoughts and now I know that if I feel worthless I can always talk to someone…” I trail off, being sickeningly sweet because it’ll make me look happy and then I can leave. If I show my true emotions they won’t let me leave because I’m so fucking depressed! But it’s only because I’m here, away from Gerard, he is the only thing that makes me happy and keeping me from him doesn’t help me one bit but they don’t get that so here is plan b. “Preferably my boyfriend, Gerard, or if he can’t talk for some reason then there are some many helplines, did you guys know about them?” I ask the other patients. Another part of my tactic, if I demonstrate social competence then I will appear as though I’m perfectly healthy.
Linda is literally grinning at the bullshit that I spewed. I mean of course I would take to Gee when I feel worthless but the counselling hasn’t helped, it just really fucks me off because the fucked up the schedule and it clashes with my computer time so I haven’t even been able to inbox Gee or Izzy or anyone. And I won’t need a fucking helpline because Gee loves me and if I couldn’t contact him then I have Izzy which I’m only just accepting. Shit, the counselling has helped me realise that. I hate being wrong. Urgh. Although, if I ever lost them, then I suppose that a helpline would be a great device because It’s anonymous so no one can judge you.
Shit, I’m wrong. This place has helped. Fucking shit. Ahh well, I am glad to be getting better. I know that I won’t need to hurt myself anymore. And I can eat now too. Not quite as much as I should but I do manage about one-thousand-two-hundred calories a day and that is enough to sustain me.
This place has done all that it can for me and what I need now is Gerard.
My heart literally hurts from how long we have been parted. I love him so much that not being able to see him, even when he used to torment me, hurts me physically and it makes me dizzy. It is like I have an actual need to be with him, like I need him to live. Gerard Way is my drug and I’m not getting enough of him and it hurts. I’m going into withdrawal and it is horrible and I just fucking need him.
“That’s excellent, Frank,” Linda smiles. “Okay, guys. That’s the end of group counselling,” Linda announces and I get up to go to my room. “Frank, can I talk to you?” Linda asks. I smirk before turning around. I’m pretty fucking sure that my plan is working. Fucking score! “Frank, I have spoken to Grace and she said that you’ve shown in your counselling sessions that all of the negative thoughts and dangerous behaviour is in the past and after you shared that lovely little monologue earlier,” she chuckles which I mimic, making me look very more competent. “I am inclined to agree,” she smiles which I also mimic but this time not as a tactic, through genuine joy and excitement.
“Are you fucking serious?” I squeal to which Linda nods. “Okay, so what does that mean?”
“Well, me and Grace have to fill in the forms and then you can go,” she informs me and I feel tears prick in my eyes. I can’t believe that I’m actually fucking able to get away from this place. I know that it’s only been like three days but I haven’t contacted anyone, most importantly Gerard, since I was shouting to Gerard that I loved him as that nurse tore me away and brought me here. “To be honest,” Linda continues. “I don’t think you needed to be brought here at all. I feel like we tore you away from your real salvation and having counselling sessions would have sufficed. But better safe than sorry I suppose,” she finished. “Now sod off, I have a lot of paper work to do!” Linda winks. I feel bad for saying that I didn’t care about her name earlier because she is actually pretty fucking lovely and funny. I laugh and leave, waving a goodbye.
I walk into the canteen for an early dinner as it is 5PM but I figure that if I can just go to bed then I can sleep then I can go! I walk up to the kitchen intendant and ask for some mashed potato. Turns out that I fucking love mashed potato, not as much as I love Gerard but I love it none-the-less. Once I finish a whole serving of mashed potato, which I feel pretty proud of, I literally run to my room. I grab the MP3player, which the staff gave me when I got here, and put it on shuffle letting the music fill my ears.
I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve, desperate to sleep and reach the next day but finding that you just can’t fucking sleep.I find my mind racing with excitement to see Gerard. I get up to walk around, hoping to tire myself out. By the time I’ve walked around the ward three time and am successfully tired I go back to my room to find that it is 10PM. How fucking slow do I walk? Oh well, I don’t even care. I get back in bed and curl up into a tight ball and sleep into a Gerard Way filled dream.
I am awoken by someone lightly shaking me. I look up and see Lynda stood there with a huge smile. I remove my headphones and sit up, rubbing my eyes. “Morning, Lynda,” I sigh.
“Why so sulky, Franks? Aren’t you excited to be going home?” Lynda asks concerned. Holy shit, I totally forgot!
“I totally forgot about that! Fucking yes!” I shouted, throwing my arms around Lynda because after she has helped me get out of this place she at least deserves a thank-you hug.
“Well, the paperwork is done so you can leave at whatever point in the day that you’d like,” Lynda smiles at me after she pulls away from the hug.
“Thank you, Lynda. Thank you so much!” I scream as I get up and pack my shit.
It is 8:45AM and I’m ready to go so I say goodbye to everyone and the ward call me a cab, paying for it. When I go to return the MP3player they say I can keep it and it may not seem like much but for someone who really doesn’t have a lot, i.e. me, it really means a lot. I thank them before climbing into the taxi and giving it the address where I want it to be dropped off.
I get out of the taxi and run to the languages block and to room 5, where I knew he would be as it is his form room. As soon as I open the door I scan the room for that familiar red-headed angel. As soon as I spot him I rush over to him. “Hey, Babe,” I whisper so that no one else hears because I don’t want Gerard’s reputation to be damaged.
Gerard snaps his head round to look at me, tears in his eyes and a grin on his face as soon as he sees me. “Frankie, you’re okay!” Gerard whisper shouts. “I’ve missed you so much, Fairy, so fucking much,” and I cry at that. He missed me too.
“I missed you too, Gerard. I love you so much!” I whisper.
“I love you too, Frank Iero. I love you with all of my fucking heart!” he says right before he grabs my face and presses his lips to mine. Fuck, I’ve missed this so much. I drop my bag on the floor and wrap my arms around Gerard’s neck as he wraps he encircling his arms around my waste. This is so perfect. I can feel all of his emotions in this single kiss. Our lips move together perfectly. It is only now that I realise that Gerard is kissing me in front of his whole form, who will definitely tell everyone by second period. Gerard has just risked his entire reputation for me, because he truly does love me. And I love him with every single fibre of my being.
And I don’t care who knows it.
Notes
I know that four days is an unrealistically short time to be on a psychiatric ward but IDGAF because the thought of keeping him in there was fucking sickening!Plus I'm scared of hospitals - psych wards in particular - so writing about it made me really fucking... Omfg I can't explain! )': I suppose that I deserve it for putting Frank in there...
So yey, Frank's getting better and he's with Gee again! WOOO!
Sorry about torturing you guys with chapter thirteen but thirteen is an unlucky number so you should have totally seen it coming!
Also I'm sorry for such a short update and that the writing quality was poor! ):
I hope that you guys don't hate my evil self!!!
OMG MOST POPULAR STORY RIGHT NOW!
I feel embarrassingly proud but oh well; I am never first in anything so, even if it is short lived, it is really nice to be the writer of the most popular story.
Okay so It is 3:29 and I have been to school one day this week and I can't miss tomorrow or I'll be kicked out of sixth-form (oops).
Anyway, I'm off to sleep.
Good night and sweet dreams my angels.
Thank you so fucking much for reading (especially after I assaulted your feels last chapter)
Charley <3
@Thatonefriend
Well it might not have tied up all the ends, but I read the last chapter & it seems like an ending, although the author said "no more than four more chapters" so yeah p much the end.
12/22/18