Today was my 28th birthday. The one I never thought I'd celebrate. I had honestly been convinced that I would join the 27 Club. Not that I had ever thought of myself as worthy to be among the likes of Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison Janis Joplin or Jimi Hendrix, but looking back now, it had seemed very likely that I'd suffer the same fate as them.

But luckily, I hadn't. No, I was here, in London, getting ready for the first of two shows we'd play today. We had already given several interviews, had been on live TV, had met fans and now I felt incredibly grateful, not only was I alive, I was doing something that mattered. We reached people with our music and looking at all the birthday gifts and cards I had gotten already, I could see that we also inspired them. The art the fans were creating for us was amazing.

Also, I would jump on the first train to Paris in the morning to see Lana and spend five days with her. We hadn't talked about whether I would be staying with her or get a hotel room and I was too chickenshit to ask, not wanting to make it awkward. I was just excited about seeing her again and was hoping to continue to rebuild our friendship. That's all I could hope for at the moment. Of course, my heart skipped a beat every time her name on the display of my phone announced a call from her. Of course, I thought about her all the time, wishing we could be together as more than just friends. But it would take time, I was aware of that. And I would not, under any circumstances, screw that up.

I was on the bus, messing with my hair, while the others were having a few beers in the venue, when my brother came in.

'Hey, Happy Birthday, dude.' Mikey gave me a hug, although he had already wished me a happy birthday twice today. 'I know I wasn't always an easy little brother but I hope my present makes up for some of the shit I've done.'

'Don't worry, man. Let's just forget about it and move on. You know you can always talk to me, right?' I grabbed him by the shoulders and he nodded, an odd smile on his face. 'What?'

'Your present. Don't you wanna know what it is?' he grinned and I frowned.

'Umm yeah sure. I just thought we were having a moment of brotherly bonding.' I said, slightly confused.

'Just wait 'til you see it.' he walked back to the front of the bus and I could hear the door opening.

'Come on.' I heard him whisper. What the fuck?

I couldn't believe it.

'Happy Birthday!' Lana was standing in front of me, a bunch of balloons in her hand, smiling as bright as the sun.

*

I'd had a perfect plan for Gerard's birthday. Show up at the show, surprise him. And then to MY surprise, Mikey had called me. At first, I had no idea what to say to him, how to even react. Before I could even mutter a hello, he had apologized five times already, for his behavior back in New York. Gerard had told me that Mikey had struggled just as badly as he'd had, so of course, I couldn't be mad at him so I'd accepted his apology, telling him not to worry about it.

And then he had invited me to London, told me he had booked a train ticket for me, had organized a ride from the station to the venue and gave me instructions for his plan.

So here I was, in London, on their tour bus, standing in front of a thunderstruck Gerard who clearly had had no idea. The fact that it had been Mikey who had surprised him by bringing me here, obviously confusing him just as much as it had confused me.

'Lana! What...how? Mikey?' he looked at his brother who just shrugged his shoulders, proud of himself that his plan had worked.

'So hug her!' Mikey just said and Gerard looked back at me, pulling himself out of his trance and walking over to me, throwing his arms around me.

'Happy Birthday.' I whispered again, kissing his cheek.

'Thank you!' he smiled, letting go of me again. 'Mikey, you sneaky motherfucker.'

'I give you two some space. You can give me the Brother of the Year Award later. Glad our plan worked, Lana!' Mikey said, giving me a thumbs up before getting off the bus.

'What the fuck? Are you like, best friends with my brother now?' he asked, still standing close to me.

'Well, he organized the whole thing. I guess it's his way to make peace.'

And I was more than happy about it. Not that I cared too much about whether Mikey liked me or approved of Gerard and I being friends, it still meant a lot to me that he had gotten over the strong dislike he'd had for me right from the beginning. Looking back, he had hated me for the same reason Gerard had loved me.

'I want to give you your present now, before the show. Well, the first one. The second one has to wait until we're in Paris.' I said, opening my bag to pull out the gift.

'What? I thought you were my present?' he seemed confused but I handed it to him anyway.

I rolled my eyes at him and watched while he unwrapped the present, his eyes getting big when he realized what it was.

'Okay, wow, where'd you manage to get this?!' it was an original copy of the screenplay for 'La cité des enfants perdus - The City of Lost Children' and it was signed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet. I knew it was one of his favorite movies by one of his favorite directors.

'I know people.' I just replied mysteriously, making him raise his brows. 'Do you like it?'

'I fucking love it. Thanks so much.' he smiled and hugged me again.

*

Although the Astoria was packed with people that night, it felt like I was only singing to Lana. Both shows went by so quickly that I couldn't quite believe when it was all over. Afterwards, we all went out for dinner and I could tell something had changed. The guys acted different with Lana, all of a sudden acknowledging the fact that she was really important to me and not just 'some girl I knew' from a casual fling. The timing was off, yes, because we were actually only friends right now but they treated her like my girlfriend and I liked it. And Lana seemed to enjoy it too. Well, at least it was obvious that she didn't mind it. Was that my wishful thinking or was it more than that? I had doubts until I could feel her hand searching for mine under the table, seeing her blush as she found it, lacing her fingers through mine. I felt hot suddenly, although I had goosebumps all over my body. Damn, if only it could be that easy.

We headed back to the hotel and I expected to Lana to check into a separate room but instead, she came with me to mine. My pulse was racing, thinking about the last time we had been in a hotel room together. But it wasn't awkward. She changed into her pyjamas in the bathroom and when I came back from brushing my teeth, she was in my bed, acting as though it was the most normal thing ever. I remembered when she had taken me back to her place after my grandma's funeral, inviting me in her bed and holding me close. This wasn't any different, right?

'So is this my second present then?' I asked, giving her a cheeky smile as I climbed into bed, resting my head on the pillow next to her.

She rolled her eyes at me. 'You wish.'

'I do actually.' at least I was being honest. And thankfully, she didn't scold me for it.

'Me too.' she whispered.

It took me off guard. I had expected her to be more careful. Yes, she had shown me that she still had feelings for me but talking about it was still different. The could haves, the would haves. It made me sad to think about it. I turned away, lying on my back and stared at the ceiling to avoid her gaze.

'It's my fault, right? It's because I left when you needed me the most. I'm sorry, Gerard. I'm sorry.' she muttered. Where was this coming from?

'See? That's exactly why this doesn't work. Because you're STILL blaming yourself for something that's not your fault.' I tried my best not to sound disappointed.

Lana sat up, turning the lights back on, causing me to shield my eyes with my hand.

'How can you not blame me for leaving you behind when you were already at rock bottom?' it seemed like all the things we had left unspoken were finally surfacing.

'Lana, how many times do I have to tell you? I'm glad you left. I was hurting myself, I was hurting you, I was ruining what we had. If we ever had anything to begin with.' she was visibly taken aback by my comment.

'If we ever had anything? What's that supposed to mean?'

I was quiet for a while, thinking about a way to say it that wouldn't hurt us both. But I failed. There wasn't one.

'You and me both know we were pretending from the start. Pretending to have something special, pretending we could overcome everything if we just ignored it, faked it, distracted ourselves from it.'

'So you were? Pretending to have feelings for me?' she had started crying and it tore my heart in two.

'NO! Lana, no. Never. But I pretended to be someone I wasn't. Not back then.' I mumbled, sitting up and resting my head on my knees. I didn't know what to say anymore.

*

What was happening? Panic was rising in my chest and although I knew that we were both way too emotional to continue this conversation because it would most likely cause us to say something we didn't mean, I couldn't stop myself.

'But I left you behind. And I just moved on. Continued with my life. While you were...thinking about ending yours. I should have stayed. I should have been there for you. You were there for me!'

He grabbed me by the shoulders, shaking me softly. 'Stop it. Stop it now. I wouldn't have let you! You wanna know the truth? The harsh truth? I wanted you out of my life. I wanted you to leave. I wanted you as far away from me as possible. I hated you, almost as much as I hated myself because you loved me.' he let go again when he realized his words were sinking in. 'When I think back now, I wanted you to see me as fucked up as I was. Because it ultimately made you leave.'

'I left because I couldn't help you.' I whispered.

'No one could. And deep down you know that. If you had stayed, you would have tried again and again though. It would have destroyed you.' he took a deep breath and I tried to do the same, despite the tears making it hard to gasp for air. 'Remember what you said to me after my grandma's funeral? You said that if you weren't allowed to punish yourself, neither was I. That still counts, Lana. And although back then I pretended to stop punishing myself even though I didn't, I eventually stopped. Can you do that too? Can we move on from this and leave it behind us?'

Gerard needed to know, I could tell. And so did I. If we wanted to be in each others lives again, we had to move on. For good. Now, that we had said everything we needed to say, had gotten it out of our systems, was it possible? I hesitated, looking at him, his eyes sad again. I didn't want to be the reason for this, I couldn't hurt him. The truth was, it was right here, right now, that he needed me the most.

'Yes.' I finally said, meaning it one thousand percent. His frown disappeared and he straightened up, taking my hand.

We fell asleep next to each other, eager for a fresh start in the morning.

Our train to Paris left early and Gerard fell asleep as soon as we left St Pancras International. I couldn't help but think about what had happened last night but as much as I wished I could turn back time and go about it a different way, as much as it had hurt hearing and saying some of those things, I was glad that we had finally had that conversation. If we had simply just ignored it again, if we had continued to play the game we had become so used to, whatever was between us would have eventually been ruined. This way, at least we had a chance at something.

The train pulled into Gare du Nord station and I woke Gerard who smiled at me weakly although I could tell he was still tired. We took a taxi to my place and I was happy about the fact that he hadn't booked a hotel room even though I wasn't exactly sure about the mood between us. But we had the remaining days together to figure it out.