Fuck. I was nervous. Hopefully Lana wouldn't think I was high because I'd had so much Red Bull, my tongue had turned a nasty yellowish color and I was bouncing all over the place.

'NO! You don't understand, guys!' I said for the hundredth time. We had just finished soundcheck and were having a shitty dinner in our dressing room.

'We do, Gee. We do. But you gotta calm down. Just do what you have been doing. She'll love it.'

'What if not?' this was the only thing I hated about the fact that I now had to perform without alcohol or drugs. I was doubting myself. Every night. And tonight, more than ever.

'Dude, just give her the look.'

'What look?'

'The 'I'm gonna tear your clothes off and bend you over' look.' Bob laughed and I rolled my eyes.

'Yeah, not gonna work with Lana.' what was he even talking about?

'Oh come on. You know what I mean. The whole seductive vampire thing you've got going on once you put on your eye make-up. When you do that smirk and flip your hair and growl into the mic.'

'Listen to Bob fangirling.' Frank joked.

Jeez, they still didn't get it. They still thought that Lana was just some girl I had screwed. What did they think? That she'd just jump me when she realized what a biiiig famous badass rockstar I was now?

'Works with every girl. Believe me. Just try it. You'll see. But maybe shoot us a text when you leave with her, you know we're off back to London tomorrow morning. 10am sharp.'

I ignored their comments, returning to the bus where I finished getting ready by myself. The fact that I was the only one of us who didn't have a girlfriend surprised me every time, considering how much shit they talked sometimes. Not that I didn't but I was single after all.

Lana called when she arrived at the venue and I brought her backstage, trying my best not to stare at her which was hard. She looked absolutely stunning, wearing a red velvet dress, her signature red lipstick, a black ribbon in her hair. Her hair. I was so fascinated by it. Not that she had looked any less beautiful without it but it served as proof that she was well again and knowing that was the really amazing thing. I calmed down as I realized she was feeling a bit nervous too, when the guys greeted her and it amused me to see how they all changed into perfect gentlemen the minute she stepped into the dressing room. Bob raised his brows at me, as the only one who hadn't met Lana yet, he seemed immediately infatuated by her. Great, I thought, giggling to myself, not only is he fangirling over me, he's now fangirling over Lana too.

'Umm yeah, not like the other girls.' he whispered to me as she sat down on the couch, taking the water Ray offered her. 'Might have to step up your game.'

'There's no playing with her, believe me, even if I wanted to.' I whispered back and she gave me a curious look.

'I do believe you, actually.' Bob whistled and I elbowed him in the ribs. Jerk.

*

Of course I knew that the guys were teasing him about me. Guys in their mid-twenties were worse than teenagers. Especially guys who were so used to spending their time with other guys. I bet they were all super sweet and I knew that Gerard wasn't one to give in to peer pressure, but I still felt like the center of attention as I sat with them and they all started asking me questions. Thankfully, Brian interrupted us ten minutes later, telling the guys to get ready. I wished them good luck and hugged Gerard briefly, again, aware that everyone was staring at us.

I had invited Célia, taking advantage of the plus one Gerard had offered and I met her at the bar, where she was already sipping on a gin and tonic.

'If I drool over your musician friends, don't tell Noah.' she yelled in my ear, the intro already playing and the noise level rising with the cheers from the crowd.

We had had 'the talk' when I called her the day before, updating her on what had happened with Gerard.

'So, he still doesn't snore?' she had asked me, assuming that he had stayed the night and disappointed when I told her he hadn't.

Now she was wriggling her brows at me as he entered the stage and I replied wagging my finger.

It was easy to tune her out when he started singing, his voice still the same but somehow different, more balanced, the pain in it replaced with anger. I knew what the new songs were about and although I recognized some off the first album, it was a totally changed performance. Not only by Gerard, the whole band seemed more 'together'. Even though the show was still messy, of course, since it was punk, they knew what they were doing. And Gerard, being actually aware of what he was doing, was interacting with the audience on a whole different level. He had learned a few words and phrases in french to talk to them and I laughed at his pronunciation, finding it adorable.

And then, his eyes found me. I could hear Célia gasp and I tried to look away but I couldn't. He was staring right at me from behind his hair, before running his hand through it, smiling. Still holding his gaze, I swallowed hard, my heart beat rapidly picking up speed as his voice deepened although I couldn't even hear the words he was singing anymore. I licked my lips, biting down hard as I realized what I was doing but it was too late, he had noticed and his smile widened before he looked away. I released the breath I had been holding in and Célia started laughing next to me.

'Wow, talk about eye-fucking.' she yelled and I shot her a shocked look.

The truth was, I was in a haze until they finished their set, hurrying to the bathroom as soon as they had left the stage. What the fuck? I locked myself in a stall, trying to get my thoughts under control. My very explicit, very dirty thoughts. If I went to see him right now, I probably would jump him, I thought, deciding to stay in this safe place for a little longer. But my phone went off, announcing a text from Gerard.

'Are you still here? Can't find you anywhere. Venue is empty, come back backstage?'

Shit. No. Ugh.

'Lana?' I heard Célia's voice and I opened the door to find her standing there.

'What?'

'Are you done masturbating?' she asked and I pushed her out of the way.

'Shut up. You're not helping.'

'Well maybe masturbating would have helped.' I was in no mood for her jokes but I gave her a faint smile anyway.

We went back into the venue to find Gerard sitting on the edge of the stage, back in his normal clothes, waiting for us.

'He was looking for you so I told him you had to go masturbate.'

'Fuck, Cél, if you say the word masturbate one more time I swear I'm gonna strangle you.' I hissed, as we walked up to Gerard.

*

'Thanks for finding her.' I told Célia and she grinned. 'Are you okay? I asked Lana.

'Umm yeah. Super okay.'

'Oh damn, I just remembered, I have to get up REALLY early tomorrow morning, sooo...I gotta go, sorry Gerard. You can take care of her right?' Lana's friend said and I could swear that Lana glared at her in response.

'Sure.' I replied and Célia waved goodbye, thanking me for the free entry and leaving Lana looking rather desperate.

I had never seen her like that. She seemed...confused? The way she looked at me, as if she had seen a ghost.

'Did you enjoy the show?' I asked, taking her backstage again. The guys were already outside, signing autographs for the waiting fans.

'Yes. It was amazing. You were really good.' she answered, making me smile.

'I think the guys are going out for drinks so...I'm just gonna head back to the hotel if you wanna come?' her eyes widened and I wondered if I had said something wrong. Or maybe I had sounded slightly suggestive? 'I mean...'

'I'll come.' she interrupted my thoughts and I slung my bag over my shoulder and helped her into her coat. I could swear she shivered as I touched her neck doing so.

We spent the short taxi ride to the hotel in silence. Actually we didn't talk at all until I let her into my room, turning on the lights. Fuck, it was messy.

'Ugh, sorry. I was in a hurry.' I apologized as I cleared my clothes off one of the armchairs to make room for her to sit but she didn't make a move, just standing there, staring at me.

'It's okay.' she whispered. Why was she whispering?

And then I realized. There was tension between us. Not the awkward kind. More like the sexual kind. The way she looked at me now, with her big eyes, biting her lip, just like she had done earlier when I had found her in the audience. Oh shit. I had done the seductive vampire thing. To Lana. Without even noticing I was doing it. And doubly shit. It had worked. Fuck, I wasn't ready for this. Neither was she but she thought she was. Of course I wanted her. I would never not want her. There-

Her lips were on mine, stopping me from finishing my thought. But then they were gone again and Lana's hand was over her mouth, clearly shocked by what she had done. And then she grabbed me by my collar again, kissing me again, before letting go of me again, stepping back.

'Oh God. No. No. We can't do this. No.' she muttered, starting to bite her nails which I had never seen her do before.

I knew she was right. We couldn't do this. There was too much still to resolve between us. This would only make things more complicated. She loved me. I loved her. We knew that. We knew there was more than just physical attraction between us. And yes, we were both adults, we could just fuck and not think about the consequences. That's basically what we had done one and a half years ago and we had gotten in too deep. I was leaving tomorrow. It was already hurting to think about it and if we spent the night together, it would be even more painful in the morning.

The only thing I could do was to pull her into a hug, knowing how badly she wanted this, letting her know how badly I wanted this, but agreeing that it would be the biggest mistake we could make right now.

I called the front desk to book a cab for her and when we said good night, I promised to come by her place in the morning before the guys and I had to leave Paris.

*

Sleep wouldn't come that night. I couldn't stop feeling guilty for kissing him. Even though he had kissed me back before I had pulled away, even though I knew for a fact that he still wanted me the way I wanted him. Maybe things could have been as easy as pie for us. I could move back to New York, find a job there or finally go to film school while he was on tour and we could have a normal, healthy relationship, like normal, healthy people did. And we were both normal and now healthy again, there was nothing in the way of our happiness. No alcohol and drug addiction or depression, no cancer, no deaths. So what was stopping us? It felt like everything and nothing at the same time. The truth was, I was happy here in Paris, living my life. And he was happy traveling the world with the band, creating beautiful art with a meaningful message that was so important.

I got up around 7am, with the conclusion that we were probably both scared that we could only work well surrounded by tragedy and misery. That maybe, a normal, healthy relationship wasn't gonna work after all, the past dragging us down into deep waters like a weight around our ankles. Was there too much baggage? Too much to make a fresh start possible? My mind was overflowing with thoughts and what ifs. There was no point, neither of us was ready to try anyway.

It was freezing outside but I decided to get breakfast anyway. Back at my apartment I set the table for two although I didn't know whether Gerard would have time to eat. Just when I glanced at the clock thinking he had changed his mind about coming by because of what had happened, the doorbell rang and I rushed over to buzz him in. Knowing it would feel like an eternity until he arrived up at the apartment, I paced around nervously, waiting for the right moment to open the door. Then finally, I could hear noises and I tore open the door.

Gerard stood in front of me, holding a little black and white furry creature that was licking his face, making him squint.

'Hey!' he just said and all the thoughts from earlier vanished from my mind as he entered the apartment.

'H-hey...what's this?' I asked, pointing at the puppy in his arms. Yes, I knew what it was but what was it doing here? What was he doing with it here?

'This...is your new puppy.' he said and was now holding it out for me to take. 'You said you wanted a pet, so I stopped by the shelter and this little princess here was looking for a new home. She's a Dalmador, a mix between Dalmatian and Labrador. Isn't she the cutest? Don't worry, she's already housebroken. Look at her eyes! They're just as blue as yours.' he said, gushing over the little dog.

I couldn't believe he had gotten me a puppy. Smiling from ear to ear, I took her from him and of course, she immediately started licking my face.

'Gerard, that is so sweet of you. I don't know what to say. She's so cute!' I felt the tears coming and he stepped closer, looking into my eyes while petting the dog.

'I thought it'd make the goodbye a bit easier. And she'll take care of you until I come back to visit. By the way, she's not getting too big and also she loves kids so you can take her to ballet school with you.'

'Yeah, right. And have the kids swooning over her instead of practising! But let's be real, I don't think I could leave her, even if I tried.' I pursed my lips and the puppy licked me, making me giggle. 'And just so you know, nothing could make the goodbye easier. I'm gonna miss you.'

I put the dog down and hugged him, the fact that he hadn't taken his coat off yet making me aware that he wouldn't be able to stay for breakfast after all. He hugged me back tightly while the puppy was jumping up my legs.

'I'm gonna miss you too, Lana. I hope I can come visit again soon.' he said and I nodded, letting go of him. 'Also, before I leave, we have to name her.' he picked up the puppy again and I looked at her.

She was white, but had a small black patch over her right eye and a bigger black patch over her left one, with a few small black dots on her nose, making it look as if she had freckles.

'Freckles!' I said, instantly happy with my choice and she wagged her tail, almost as though she was agreeing.

'Perfect. Well, Freckles, take care of your new mommy, okay? I see you soon.' he pet her and the dog licked his face again at which he scrunched up his nose.

'Don't let me wait too long.'

'I won't. I promise.'

And this time, I knew he would keep it.