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Counting down the days to go

Saying it back

She stared at me with a frown, obviously trying to figure out the state I was in. I couldn't believe how beautiful she looked, her cheeks red from the cold under her thick, long lashes, her eyes that brilliant blue I had missed so much, a blond bob sticking out from under her woolen hat. And her lips, slightly parted in shock, painted in a deep red, begging to be kissed. If only I could.

I didn't know how long we were standing there, but her expression changed as she realized I was completely sober, looking healthy despite feeling sick to my stomach with nervousness. Finally, she looked away, rummaging around in her bag before pulling out the keys and opening the door. She waited for me to come in, called the elevator and we stepped in.

I couldn't help but think about the last time we had been on an elevator together. Me, completely wasted with a disgusting stench on me; her, heartbroken and scared, trying to hold me up although I had deserved to be left to rot out there in the streets. Maybe I still deserved it. Biting down on my lip, I tried to get these thoughts out of my head as we got out and I followed her to her apartment door.

Lana let me in and I took off my shoes and coat as I watched her do the same. Her place was immaculate, just like her apartment back in New York had been although this one had a different style. Parisian, of course. I looked around, immediately spotting the lights from the Eiffel Tower coming in through the windows. I walked over, in awe of the view.

When I realized she wasn't in the room with me, I went to look for her, finding her in the kitchen, making tea.

'I don't have any coffee. Sorry.' she muttered and hearing her voice sent goosebumps all over my body.

I watched as she poured the water into two cups, then putting the kettle back down on the stove. There was so much distance between us, although she was so close. So many unspoken words, so many apologies that I still owed her, hugs and kisses I was craving but would never demand. So much that kept us apart. Yet I walked over to her, taking her hands to stop her from fidgeting with the tea. She looked up at me, again, searching for something in my eyes.

'I'm six months sober.' I answered her silent question and she blinked back tears.

Why was I even attempting to try and explain it all? Why did I think she would care after all this time, after everything I had done. Because it was Lana, I told myself. She was a better person than I could ever be and as much as I wanted to deny it, it was there, in her eyes. She still loved me. And when she wrapped her arms around my neck, resting her head on my shoulder, I felt relieved and at peace.

*

Gerard held me in a tight hug while I soaked his sweater with my tears. I couldn't believe he was here and every time I felt ready to let go of him, I hugged him again instead, just to make sure he was real. Alive and real.

'How are you?' he broke the silence, pressing his cold cheek against my temple.

'I'm fine. Just perfectly fine.' I replied, trying to stop crying.

'Healthy?' he asked and I nodded, finally letting go. He smiled his crooked smile that I had missed so much.

I turned around, wiping my cheeks with the sleeve of my dress, most likely smearing mascara all over my face but I didn't care.

'The tea's almost cold now.' I stated, feeling the cups.

'Fuck the tea.' he said and I couldn't help but laugh, looking at him again.

Yes, he had changed. His black hair slightly longer, now framing his face which was still as boyish as ever. The most significant change was in his eyes though. The restlessness had gone. There were still those dark circles but caused by lack of sleep due to his busy schedule and the jetlag instead of drugs and alcohol induced insomnia. They weren't clouded with sadness and pain any longer although there was still a hint of anxiety, understandably, considering he had just waited for me in front of my apartment after six months of radio silence, not knowing how I would react. He was pale as always but his demeanor was completely different. The baggage he had been carrying on his shoulders for so long, had disappeared.

'You look healthy, too.' I said, leaning against the kitchen counter.

'I am. Well, I'm a bit cold and just exhausted from touring non-stop but...I'm not drinking. I'm not partying. Nothing.' he replied, proudly.

'Come on then, it's more comfy in the living room.'

He followed me and joined me as I sat down by the fireplace, striking a match to light the fire I had prepared before I had left. I could have just turned the heating on, but I liked a burning fire at night, especially with the snow storm raging outside. For a while, I just watched the flames, taking in Gerard's presence next to me. I knew he was observing me and all of a sudden I could feel his cold hand softly ruffling my hair.

'It grew back so nicely.' he stated, tucking it behind my ear again.

'Now we both got rid of the poison in our bodies. Isn't that something?'

Gerard seemed to think about my words for a moment and I got up, walking over to the couch and sitting down. I was hoping that he would join me but he remained seated on the floor with his legs crossed.

'You wanna tell me what happened in those six months I haven't heard from you?' I asked, carefully and he nodded, taking a deep breath.

*

It was around 4am in the morning when I had finally finished talking. Lana had sat down next to me on the floor again, just crying silent tears, clearly eager to comfort me but I had kept her from it. I still didn't deserve her sympathy.

I hadn't spared any details, from being completely drunk and high for the entire run of Warped Tour, to the fact that I had been prepared to die in Japan, my last phone call to her my goodbye. And Lana told me that she had felt it, heard it in my voice, that she had been desperate to say something to me that would stop me.

So, her saying that she loved me had only been an attempt to keep me from killing myself? I couldn't believe that. Again, she sensed my doubt.

'I still meant what I said though. Every word of it.' she took my hand, reassuring me and I nodded, my mind calming down again, ready to tell her what I had come to tell her.

'It was the only thing that kept me from doing it that night. I know you said that I needed to do this for myself and I did. But all I could think of was the fact that I hadn't said it back. And that I still had to do that. And that I wanted to do it sober.' she looked confused but I could tell her confusion was masked fear.

'Say what back?' I smiled at her question since she made it too obvious that she already knew the answer.

I took a deep breath, aware that I had never said it to any girl. Aware that it would most likely pour more salt in her wounds. I hesitated and asked myself again, did I have the right to do this? Showing up and asking for her forgiveness was bold enough, but this?

'That...you know...I love you, too.' I mumbled, not able to hold the words in.

Lana blushed, looking down at our entwined hands. I knew it wouldn't change anything. I knew it wouldn't make her come back to New York and pretend that I hadn't broken her heart. Love wasn't enough to fix this. Nonetheless, I needed to tell her. And I would accept whatever she'd hold against me.

But she didn't hold anything against me. Instead, she moved closer, softly bringing her lips to my cheek. I was surprised, freezing for a moment.

'I'm so proud of you.' she whispered, brushing the hair out of my face and for the first time, someone was saying it without sounding condescending. 'And so happy that you are okay. I was so scared.'

'I'm sorry.' I apologized and she squeezed my hand again before getting up.

She offered me her guest bedroom but I called a cab, not wanting things to be awkward between us. We agreed to meet for lunch and she wrote down the name and address of a place near my hotel. I couldn't believe we were actually doing this. We were being friends. She had let me back into her life and I knew that I could not fuck this up again.

*

I woke up the next morning, late, due to the fact that I had only made it to bed at 5am, still unable to grasp what had happened the night before. Gerard was here. After six months of countless unanswered phone calls and texts, worrying and hoping, he had shown up here in Paris. Sober.

On my way to meet him for lunch, I couldn't help but think about everything he had told me. To some degree, I was glad that he hadn't left out the horrible details but I shuddered nonetheless, remembering how many times he had been close to suicide. How close he had been even back when I had still been in New York, before and during the time we had spent together. How ignorant I had been to think that I could keep him from doing it when neither his family nor his band could help him. But now, just like me, he was in remission too. From the depression, not the cancer but wasn't it roughly the same anyway?

It had stopped snowing and the temperature was below zero, as we wandered the streets together after lunch. We hadn't talked much, still trying to take in the weird and unfamiliar feeling of being with each other again. Gerard was smoking a lot but he stayed away from me cautiously when he did, although I told him it hardly mattered, since everybody in Paris smoked.

'I know, last time I invited you to come to a show, it didn't go so well...but I'd love for you to come tomorrow.' he said and I looked at him as he sipped his hot coffee.

'I'll be there. I need a new, positive memory, right?' I said, causing him to smile weakly and remain quiet for a while, seemingly deep in thought.

'Okay, you need a plus one?'

'For a friend?'

'Yeah. Or a boyfriend.' oh, now I knew where this was going.

For a moment I thought about messing with him but he looked so serious, so anxious, that I couldn't.

'There's no boyfriend. And just for the record, there hasn't been one either.' I replied and I couldn't tell whether the red on his cheeks was from the cold or if he was blushing. My guess was blushing though.

'Oh. Well. Hmm. Too bad. You shouldn't be alone.' Gerard said, almost sounding a little sad. Couldn't he just be happy, triumphant even, about the fact that there had been no other guy?

'I was thinking about getting a pet. But I can't decide whether I want a cat or a dog.'

'I'm allergic to cats, so I vote dog.'

'So I assume you want to come visit again soon?' I wanted to know.

'As soon as possible. If you want.' I nodded, standing closer to him.

It was getting dark again and Paris at night was the most romantic thing. If romance mattered right now, if romance mattered to us. Which it didn't. As much as I wished it did, as much as I knew he wished it did, something was keeping us from giving in to it. And it was better this way.

Notes

hope you're enjoying the sequel so far - lemme know what you think :) thanks for reading

Comments

I love this story!

Jackie Jackie
4/11/18
@the_girl

I should hope so x.0
@xxstraightjacketxx
they have Freckles, that's enough
the_girl the_girl
11/19/13
@the_girl

they might want a pet magui.. but with magui comes great responsibility ;)
@xxstraightjacketxx
lol why would I put gremlins into their house?!
the_girl the_girl
11/19/13