Save Me From My Self Destruction
I'm Not Okay
***Chrissi's POV***
I dropped to my knees, and cried. i haven't cried this hard since Alice died. Jason wrapped his arms around me, and we sobbed into each other's shoulders. Before we knew it, police cars, and ambulances had come. One of the police reassured us that there were multiple cars after the killer / robber. Jason and I watched in horror as paramedics covered Kyliee's body with a white sheet, and lifted her body onto a stretcher. We sobbed together for another hour, until I remembered I had left Genni at home, by herself, and it was almost 7am. Jason drove me home. Both of us didn't say a word the whole way. I unlocked the door, and immediately went downstairs to make sure Genni was okay. Good. She was fine. I closed her door, and made my way up to the bathroom, where I took out a razor blade, and began to cut. This was all my fault. Kyliee would be alive right now if it weren't for me being a stupid bitch, and ignoring her calls. I fucking hate myself! I cut faster and faster, and blood gushed everywhere. I hadn't even realized how deep I had cut, until the feeling of light headedness took over me. I dropped my blade, gathered up all my strength, and wrapped a bandage around my wrists. I dragged my feet to the kitchen, and got myself a glass of orange juice, and tried desperately not to pass out. I dropped my head on the table and sobbed some more, only this time, they were more like agonizing screams. It's all my fucking fault! I'm a stupid fuck up! I banged my head against the table, and silently cried. I cried until I heard my phone buzzing from my pocket. Fuck. It's Gerard. I tried my best to swallow my tears, and hide my sadness. I couldn't have him knowing what happened. It would put him under too much stress. I can't do that to him. I take one more sip of the orange juice, take a deep breath, and try my best to act as though nothing happened.
"Hello?"
"Hey sugar! We just arrived, and I wanted to let you know we all got here in one piece!" he chuckled "And I also wanted to let you know that I miss you so damn much already. I just needed to hear your voice."
"Aww Gee. I miss you too. So, so much. I'm glad you guys made it there safely. Did you manage to get any sleep?"
"Nah not really. That's what I'm planing on doing now, actually."
"Oh alright, baby. I don't wanna keep you from sleeping. I love you with all my heart, and I miss you. Have fun, okay?"
"Okay Chris. You get some sleep too, okay? I know you must be tired. I'll call you in a bit. Love you."
We hung up..
I was so mad at myself, I didn't know what to do. I went downstairs, and woke Genni up. I had to take her home. I'm unable to even deal with myself today, so there's no way I'll be able to deal with others.
I cried even harder now, knowing that I didn't have Gerard here to help me. I was on my own. For the first time in two years, I felt completely alone. This was going to be a long 3 months.
****1 month later****
2 weeks ago was Kyles' funeral. Words can't describe how painful that was. Why must everyone I love be taken away from me? I laid on the bedroom floor, and just thought about that. Alice, and Kyliee, the two people that have helped, and guided me my whole life. Gone. Tears start to spill again. Just like they do everyday. Over the past month, I've lost at least 20lbs. I've barley eaten anything. I went from weighing 115lbs to now weighing 92lbs. I haven't even gotten out of the house. I've just stayed here curled up in a ball every day. I think I've gotten even paler.. If that's possible. I told Gerard about Kyliee, but he has no idea what I've put myself through. He has no idea that I've started cutting again. Worse now than ever. He has no idea that I've lost any weight. And he especially has no idea that I've started smoking again. Once all this happened, I started having a pack a day. I'm slowly falling apart, and Gerard knows nothing. I know he's going to be mad at me when he gets home. I mean, who wouldn't. I've officially failed at life. I've failed to be a good friend, a good sister, and even a good girlfriend. I'm nothing but a fuckup. I go into the bathroom, and try to find a place to cut, but my whole body is completely filled. Everything except for my face, neck, hands, and feet are covered in cuts and scars. I begin to sob just looking at my body. Gerard's going to leave me for sure when he gets back. I hug my knees to my chest and cry. That's all I can do nowadays. Just cry.
I dropped to my knees, and cried. i haven't cried this hard since Alice died. Jason wrapped his arms around me, and we sobbed into each other's shoulders. Before we knew it, police cars, and ambulances had come. One of the police reassured us that there were multiple cars after the killer / robber. Jason and I watched in horror as paramedics covered Kyliee's body with a white sheet, and lifted her body onto a stretcher. We sobbed together for another hour, until I remembered I had left Genni at home, by herself, and it was almost 7am. Jason drove me home. Both of us didn't say a word the whole way. I unlocked the door, and immediately went downstairs to make sure Genni was okay. Good. She was fine. I closed her door, and made my way up to the bathroom, where I took out a razor blade, and began to cut. This was all my fault. Kyliee would be alive right now if it weren't for me being a stupid bitch, and ignoring her calls. I fucking hate myself! I cut faster and faster, and blood gushed everywhere. I hadn't even realized how deep I had cut, until the feeling of light headedness took over me. I dropped my blade, gathered up all my strength, and wrapped a bandage around my wrists. I dragged my feet to the kitchen, and got myself a glass of orange juice, and tried desperately not to pass out. I dropped my head on the table and sobbed some more, only this time, they were more like agonizing screams. It's all my fucking fault! I'm a stupid fuck up! I banged my head against the table, and silently cried. I cried until I heard my phone buzzing from my pocket. Fuck. It's Gerard. I tried my best to swallow my tears, and hide my sadness. I couldn't have him knowing what happened. It would put him under too much stress. I can't do that to him. I take one more sip of the orange juice, take a deep breath, and try my best to act as though nothing happened.
"Hello?"
"Hey sugar! We just arrived, and I wanted to let you know we all got here in one piece!" he chuckled "And I also wanted to let you know that I miss you so damn much already. I just needed to hear your voice."
"Aww Gee. I miss you too. So, so much. I'm glad you guys made it there safely. Did you manage to get any sleep?"
"Nah not really. That's what I'm planing on doing now, actually."
"Oh alright, baby. I don't wanna keep you from sleeping. I love you with all my heart, and I miss you. Have fun, okay?"
"Okay Chris. You get some sleep too, okay? I know you must be tired. I'll call you in a bit. Love you."
We hung up..
I was so mad at myself, I didn't know what to do. I went downstairs, and woke Genni up. I had to take her home. I'm unable to even deal with myself today, so there's no way I'll be able to deal with others.
I cried even harder now, knowing that I didn't have Gerard here to help me. I was on my own. For the first time in two years, I felt completely alone. This was going to be a long 3 months.
****1 month later****
2 weeks ago was Kyles' funeral. Words can't describe how painful that was. Why must everyone I love be taken away from me? I laid on the bedroom floor, and just thought about that. Alice, and Kyliee, the two people that have helped, and guided me my whole life. Gone. Tears start to spill again. Just like they do everyday. Over the past month, I've lost at least 20lbs. I've barley eaten anything. I went from weighing 115lbs to now weighing 92lbs. I haven't even gotten out of the house. I've just stayed here curled up in a ball every day. I think I've gotten even paler.. If that's possible. I told Gerard about Kyliee, but he has no idea what I've put myself through. He has no idea that I've started cutting again. Worse now than ever. He has no idea that I've lost any weight. And he especially has no idea that I've started smoking again. Once all this happened, I started having a pack a day. I'm slowly falling apart, and Gerard knows nothing. I know he's going to be mad at me when he gets home. I mean, who wouldn't. I've officially failed at life. I've failed to be a good friend, a good sister, and even a good girlfriend. I'm nothing but a fuckup. I go into the bathroom, and try to find a place to cut, but my whole body is completely filled. Everything except for my face, neck, hands, and feet are covered in cuts and scars. I begin to sob just looking at my body. Gerard's going to leave me for sure when he gets back. I hug my knees to my chest and cry. That's all I can do nowadays. Just cry.
OMG that was so sad when Gerard was begging for forgiveness :'(
1/11/14