The One of Mine
For All the Dirty Looks
I got home from spending the evening with Gerard very late. I was tired and I wanted to go to sleep even though I still had some of my homework left to do. But that didn't matter, I couldn’t settle the racing thoughts that were rushing through my head. When I went to Gerard’s house that evening, it wasn’t with the expectation that he’d ever kiss me. I enjoyed spending the time with Gerard, though it’s not like we were ever that close, and now we were likely to reach a new level of awkward because of his decision to kiss me.
Admittedly though, I had a lot of fun that night; not because I’d finally been kissed, and not only that, kissed by Gerard, but because I was starting to let him in. It was strange and new to let someone in on my life, and it was even more strange a feeling to like it. Even though I would never tell him, I loved the time Gerard and I spent together. He’d started to change me. I was comfortable around him, though the kiss was sure to take things back a few steps. But despite me realizing and accepting my true feelings, I still didn't know how to show it; I didn’t know how to show that I thought Gerard was okay.
It was the first time I actually ever considered opening up to somebody but I had no idea how. Since knowing Gerard, there was a small, but notable, change in myself. I found myself talking with him more than anyone I’d ever known in my life, possibly aside from my mother. I would sit in class and he’d pop into my head out of nowhere and the whole rest of the class time would go to shit; the rest of my day would be spent with only one thing on my mind…
It had been so long since I'd been around anyone like this and I wasn't sure how to be myself anymore. And if I was myself, I was afraid that Gerard wouldn't like it. Hell, I had trouble liking myself; how could Gerard find anything worthwhile in me? Especially when I found him so infatuating, every detail perfect and unique. I didn’t think myself worthy of being more than Gerard’s sad, awkward neighbor.
Upon entering my house after leaving Gerard alone and confused in his room, my mother was in the kitchen, ready to interrogate me. “Where were you?” she asked with a knowing smile, making it obvious that she knew where I was. Aside from school or Gerard’s house, where else would I have been?
“Oh, uhm, Gerard. He invited me over and we watched a movie after we finished our model.” My mother gave me the look. Though it was just a kiss, it was the look that someone gives you after you've just popped the cherry, as if they’re fucking psychic or something. I refused to give in though; like hell I was gonna tell my mom how Gerard kissed me and how much I absolutely loved it. “Well, I’m tired so I’m, just gonna head to bed now,” I said as I tried to avoid my mother’s inevitable and relentless questioning, walking quickly passed her to go up to my room. I’d only gotten as far as the bottom step when she stopped me dead in my tracks. “He kissed you, didn’t he?”
I halted immediately, turning on my heels to face my mother. I put on my tried and true poker face, hiding any sign that she could possibly have been accurate in her soupçons. She could think it all she wanted, and though she would be right, she’d never know that. All the interrogation and questioning in the world wouldn’t get me to spill to my mother the special moment I spent with Gerard, though awkward and unexpected, it was still mine. That moment was the one of mine; no one else’s.
“Good night, mom.” I didn’t care if she knew or not; let her think as she may. I just didn’t want to share it, my milestone with Gerard. I wanted to keep it safe and tucked away, every detail perfectly intact and ready for my recall. And I did, many times.
As I lie in bed that night, the scene replayed itself over and over again in my head, a new detail becoming sharper each time. I closed my eyes and saw Gerard’s delicately featured face just inches from mine. I heard the catch in my breath as Gerard leaned in so unexpectedly. I felt the smooth of Gerard’s lips as they met seamlessly with mine. And then it was gone.
As perfect as the kiss was, it had faded much too quickly.
***
I ignored the snickers and whispers from the girls behind me as I sat in my science class. It was undeniable that Gerard and I had been spending a lot of time together and people had already started to form their theories and indulge in their mindless gossip.
Most thought that Gerard and I were banging, I mean what else could possibly be going on? Some figured we were just the latest emo high school couple and were starting to make predictions as to when we'd 'break up,' but what almost everyone at school failed to see was the truth.
Gerard and I weren't banging, we weren't dating; hell, I didn’t even know if you could call us friends, but as far as it goes with me, he was the closest thing I had. At this point, as much as I hated to admit it, Gerard knew me as well as, if not better than, I knew myself.
He sat next to me completely unfazed, as if he hadn’t taken my lip virginity. I guess to him it was no big deal; he’d probably kissed a lot of girls before me, but I was still new to this. The adrenaline rush from the simple touching of our lips was captivating my every thought process. I was barely able to focus on the class presentations of the cell models, much like the one Gerard and I made before he decided to plant one on me. But Gerard was calm, his face showing no sign of any difference in, well anything. He was the same Gerard I had been sitting next to all year: calm and focused, while I was over here with a million and one thoughts racing through my head and distracting me from…
“Leigh?” I heard Gerard speak to me. Call me strange or weird or whatever you want, but there was something about hearing Gerard speak my name that got me all antsy, in a good way. I was lost in the sound of his soft, boyish voice for a moment until he said it again, this time with more urgency.
“Leigh, we have to go present.” Oh.
Getting up in front of a classroom full of students was never my favorite activity, even when I was partnered with someone else, but this time was particularly uncomfortable since nearly every kid in that class thought Gerard and I were fucking. So naturally, Gerard being my partner, didn’t help much.
I did my best to ignore the side comments and low whisper of the gossip among my classmates, reverting back to my practices of shutting out the world. Gerard explained his parts of the cell and I explained mine. I wanted to just get it over with and go back to my seat where I could sink down, down, down until no one could see me.
I finished off much of the day in this fashion, sinking down in chairs, hiding from my classmates to avoid the joking and jaunting. I wasn’t used to the teasing anymore considering I’d gone a fairly decent amount of time without having to deal with it. But now I had to deal with it, and boy did I deal with it.
I had been so good to myself. All of my scars were fading into nothingness, freeing me from my terrible memories as each left my sight. But now I had more.
Once again I found myself in a nasty bathroom stall going at my arm. Though I had been particularly good at not cutting for the past few months, I still couldn’t bring myself to toss my razors. If anything I viewed them as a comfort object; there if I needed them though I tried hard not to. As I sat there creating new scar number six, I was reminded of why I was able to be so good to myself.
I halted, mid-infliction as Gerard came into view. I was reminded of why I had been able to keep away from the razors. He was my therapy, he was my release, he was the reason my scars had been fading, and now I’ve gone and fucked up my progress.
The blade was still in contact with my open wound when I looked back down to it. It took a little will power, but I got myself to pick up the razor and toss it in the toilet. I stared at it, sinking to the bottom of the ceramic bowl. Sinking like my stomach to the floor as I thought of what Gerard would say if he were ever to find out. What would he have to say about my self-destruction? I mean he had to have at least some feeling toward me, romantic or not, after all he did kiss me.
But what did that mean to him? He had acted as if nothing had happened at all, staying totally aloof while I sat in my silent panic. I kind of hated that. I hated that he could just sit and take it completely unfazed while I had to go through the mental trauma. Did it even mean anything to him?
I didn’t want to over-romanticize it; Gerard just acted on a stupid impulse and I took it too literally, but could you blame me? It wasn’t every day I get close to an amazing and captivating boy like Gerard, and now I was regretting the decision of ever letting him in in the first place.
In the beginning I had been heart set on keeping him as far as possible, but I’d failed that mission miserably. He had gotten in, over the wall and into my life. He got me to talk, he introduced me to his equally as awesome friends, he’d kissed me. And the worst part was that the only person who could fix me was the one person causing my distress.
He hadn’t been doing anything wrong; it was my fault for taking everything so personally, although kissing is a rather personal thing. But that was beside the point; I was screwing this up; not Gerard, me. I was pushing and pushing while Gerard just wanted to be a friend. I mean look at me, freaking out over a stupid kiss. I was so adamant on staying away from drama in Jersey, keeping up my wall and staying inside my bubble. It had seemed safe to come outside; Gerard seemed like, no is, a perfect escape. He’d fixed me as much as he could, but now it was my turn. I had to start fixing myself, and that started the moment I flushed the toilet.
Admittedly though, I had a lot of fun that night; not because I’d finally been kissed, and not only that, kissed by Gerard, but because I was starting to let him in. It was strange and new to let someone in on my life, and it was even more strange a feeling to like it. Even though I would never tell him, I loved the time Gerard and I spent together. He’d started to change me. I was comfortable around him, though the kiss was sure to take things back a few steps. But despite me realizing and accepting my true feelings, I still didn't know how to show it; I didn’t know how to show that I thought Gerard was okay.
It was the first time I actually ever considered opening up to somebody but I had no idea how. Since knowing Gerard, there was a small, but notable, change in myself. I found myself talking with him more than anyone I’d ever known in my life, possibly aside from my mother. I would sit in class and he’d pop into my head out of nowhere and the whole rest of the class time would go to shit; the rest of my day would be spent with only one thing on my mind…
It had been so long since I'd been around anyone like this and I wasn't sure how to be myself anymore. And if I was myself, I was afraid that Gerard wouldn't like it. Hell, I had trouble liking myself; how could Gerard find anything worthwhile in me? Especially when I found him so infatuating, every detail perfect and unique. I didn’t think myself worthy of being more than Gerard’s sad, awkward neighbor.
Upon entering my house after leaving Gerard alone and confused in his room, my mother was in the kitchen, ready to interrogate me. “Where were you?” she asked with a knowing smile, making it obvious that she knew where I was. Aside from school or Gerard’s house, where else would I have been?
“Oh, uhm, Gerard. He invited me over and we watched a movie after we finished our model.” My mother gave me the look. Though it was just a kiss, it was the look that someone gives you after you've just popped the cherry, as if they’re fucking psychic or something. I refused to give in though; like hell I was gonna tell my mom how Gerard kissed me and how much I absolutely loved it. “Well, I’m tired so I’m, just gonna head to bed now,” I said as I tried to avoid my mother’s inevitable and relentless questioning, walking quickly passed her to go up to my room. I’d only gotten as far as the bottom step when she stopped me dead in my tracks. “He kissed you, didn’t he?”
I halted immediately, turning on my heels to face my mother. I put on my tried and true poker face, hiding any sign that she could possibly have been accurate in her soupçons. She could think it all she wanted, and though she would be right, she’d never know that. All the interrogation and questioning in the world wouldn’t get me to spill to my mother the special moment I spent with Gerard, though awkward and unexpected, it was still mine. That moment was the one of mine; no one else’s.
“Good night, mom.” I didn’t care if she knew or not; let her think as she may. I just didn’t want to share it, my milestone with Gerard. I wanted to keep it safe and tucked away, every detail perfectly intact and ready for my recall. And I did, many times.
As I lie in bed that night, the scene replayed itself over and over again in my head, a new detail becoming sharper each time. I closed my eyes and saw Gerard’s delicately featured face just inches from mine. I heard the catch in my breath as Gerard leaned in so unexpectedly. I felt the smooth of Gerard’s lips as they met seamlessly with mine. And then it was gone.
As perfect as the kiss was, it had faded much too quickly.
***
I ignored the snickers and whispers from the girls behind me as I sat in my science class. It was undeniable that Gerard and I had been spending a lot of time together and people had already started to form their theories and indulge in their mindless gossip.
Most thought that Gerard and I were banging, I mean what else could possibly be going on? Some figured we were just the latest emo high school couple and were starting to make predictions as to when we'd 'break up,' but what almost everyone at school failed to see was the truth.
Gerard and I weren't banging, we weren't dating; hell, I didn’t even know if you could call us friends, but as far as it goes with me, he was the closest thing I had. At this point, as much as I hated to admit it, Gerard knew me as well as, if not better than, I knew myself.
He sat next to me completely unfazed, as if he hadn’t taken my lip virginity. I guess to him it was no big deal; he’d probably kissed a lot of girls before me, but I was still new to this. The adrenaline rush from the simple touching of our lips was captivating my every thought process. I was barely able to focus on the class presentations of the cell models, much like the one Gerard and I made before he decided to plant one on me. But Gerard was calm, his face showing no sign of any difference in, well anything. He was the same Gerard I had been sitting next to all year: calm and focused, while I was over here with a million and one thoughts racing through my head and distracting me from…
“Leigh?” I heard Gerard speak to me. Call me strange or weird or whatever you want, but there was something about hearing Gerard speak my name that got me all antsy, in a good way. I was lost in the sound of his soft, boyish voice for a moment until he said it again, this time with more urgency.
“Leigh, we have to go present.” Oh.
Getting up in front of a classroom full of students was never my favorite activity, even when I was partnered with someone else, but this time was particularly uncomfortable since nearly every kid in that class thought Gerard and I were fucking. So naturally, Gerard being my partner, didn’t help much.
I did my best to ignore the side comments and low whisper of the gossip among my classmates, reverting back to my practices of shutting out the world. Gerard explained his parts of the cell and I explained mine. I wanted to just get it over with and go back to my seat where I could sink down, down, down until no one could see me.
I finished off much of the day in this fashion, sinking down in chairs, hiding from my classmates to avoid the joking and jaunting. I wasn’t used to the teasing anymore considering I’d gone a fairly decent amount of time without having to deal with it. But now I had to deal with it, and boy did I deal with it.
I had been so good to myself. All of my scars were fading into nothingness, freeing me from my terrible memories as each left my sight. But now I had more.
Once again I found myself in a nasty bathroom stall going at my arm. Though I had been particularly good at not cutting for the past few months, I still couldn’t bring myself to toss my razors. If anything I viewed them as a comfort object; there if I needed them though I tried hard not to. As I sat there creating new scar number six, I was reminded of why I was able to be so good to myself.
I halted, mid-infliction as Gerard came into view. I was reminded of why I had been able to keep away from the razors. He was my therapy, he was my release, he was the reason my scars had been fading, and now I’ve gone and fucked up my progress.
The blade was still in contact with my open wound when I looked back down to it. It took a little will power, but I got myself to pick up the razor and toss it in the toilet. I stared at it, sinking to the bottom of the ceramic bowl. Sinking like my stomach to the floor as I thought of what Gerard would say if he were ever to find out. What would he have to say about my self-destruction? I mean he had to have at least some feeling toward me, romantic or not, after all he did kiss me.
But what did that mean to him? He had acted as if nothing had happened at all, staying totally aloof while I sat in my silent panic. I kind of hated that. I hated that he could just sit and take it completely unfazed while I had to go through the mental trauma. Did it even mean anything to him?
I didn’t want to over-romanticize it; Gerard just acted on a stupid impulse and I took it too literally, but could you blame me? It wasn’t every day I get close to an amazing and captivating boy like Gerard, and now I was regretting the decision of ever letting him in in the first place.
In the beginning I had been heart set on keeping him as far as possible, but I’d failed that mission miserably. He had gotten in, over the wall and into my life. He got me to talk, he introduced me to his equally as awesome friends, he’d kissed me. And the worst part was that the only person who could fix me was the one person causing my distress.
He hadn’t been doing anything wrong; it was my fault for taking everything so personally, although kissing is a rather personal thing. But that was beside the point; I was screwing this up; not Gerard, me. I was pushing and pushing while Gerard just wanted to be a friend. I mean look at me, freaking out over a stupid kiss. I was so adamant on staying away from drama in Jersey, keeping up my wall and staying inside my bubble. It had seemed safe to come outside; Gerard seemed like, no is, a perfect escape. He’d fixed me as much as he could, but now it was my turn. I had to start fixing myself, and that started the moment I flushed the toilet.
I LOVE the way you've executed this one. It's done perfectly and characterization is just...magic. If you publish anything THIS SHOULD BE IT.
4/7/14