The One of Mine
Let Me Break This Awkward Silence
I stood on his front porch steps at 9:02 in the morning. He told me to meet him at 8:30 and that he'd be awake but a half hour had already passed and I had a feeling he wouldn't be out any time soon. I heard faint conversation somewhere in the distance but I couldn't really tell from where. One of the voices kind of sounded like Gerard's but I wasn't sure if it was him or not. He was probably still sleeping. I had called his phone about four-hundred times but he didn't answer a single ring.
I didn't mind waiting so long for him, the weather was fair and the neighborhood was quiet. Sure, I could have gone and waited at home for Gerard to call and ask, "Where are you?" but the atmosphere was nice. Sitting on Gerard's steps, waiting outside for him was almost... romantic, like one of those things that girls do in cheesy movies.
The neighbors were all up and a few dogs were barking faintly in the distance. I received a few waves from people passing by and did my best to seem friendly and at least wave back, after all they were my neighbors too. A soft breeze tousled my hair a bit, moving my fringe into my eyes which I brought my hand up to push back to the side. The sun was hiding behind some trees and cast intricate shadows on Gerard's front lawn.
I started to wonder if he'd ever come outside. As nice as the moment was, after 45 minutes, it kind of got old. There was always Mikey too I guess; if Gerard never ended up coming out, maybe Mikey would, although that was highly unlikely. Both of the Way brothers slept like they were dead. I'd just have to sit outside and wait for one of them to wake up.
Instead of sitting on the steps, boring myself to hell with my endless thoughts leading to nowhere, I decided to try and make sense of them. I pulled out one of my writing books from my bag and began to scribble down my thoughts. I hadn't always been the best at capturing a moment so I figured that sitting here on Gerard's front steps would be a good opportunity for some practice.
I picked out some features; a tree, the sky, the house across the street, and just started writing. I tried my hardest to capture every detail of each of my subjects, doing with words what Gerard did with paints. I wrote a little, looked up to my subject, then wrote a little more. When I was certain I had described the hell out of one thing, I'd move on to something else.
You'd think that being 'stood up' would get someone depressed. Sure, it hurt a little having to wait for Gerard outside for so long, but there was something about it that also made me happy. Even though I still hadn't opened myself up to Gerard, he still persisted with me. He continued to try his hardest to be nice to me, going out of his way to make me feel special. And even though I was a little upset with him for keeping me waiting so long and normally in this kind of situation I'd run straight to my razors, something kept me from it.
I could have easily up and left Gerard's house and went back home, gotten my razors and scarred myself once more. I could have ended the emotional pain of being ignored by him but this time was different; I didn't want to.
I had noticed that ever since I'd known Gerard, even from the time he'd come to my house when I first moved here, I’d barely thought of cutting, at least not when I was with him. Gerard became my distraction, my therapy, he took away all of my pain unlike any razor could. He was the first person to ever constantly be there for me when the rest of the world was shutting me out. Like the razors, he distracted me from reality and took away all of my pain, but he was better than my razors. Gerard never scarred me, in fact he only healed wounds.
Gerard always knew exactly what to say, fixing my broken self, time and time again. He didn't know just how amazing he was, all that he'd helped me with since we met. He didn't know how many times he'd saved me from myself, keeping me from my razors and one more scar. My older ones had started to fade and less and less were added. I'd go days without cutting, something I never could have done before meeting Gerard.
And now sitting on his front steps, even though I was being stood up, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. I was lucky to have Gerard in my life and be able to call him my ‘friend.’ It had taken me so long to realize just how special Gerard was to me, and it would take me even longer to be able to tell him, but at least now I knew. I finally saw Gerard for the wonderful person he was and it was the best feeling in the world, much better than any razors ever could have given me.
I suddenly heard the door open and Gerard came outside. I looked up from my writing, quickly closing my notebook. I didn't want Gerard to see my work, I wasn't ready to show him yet. "Hey, how long have you been here?" He asked in a soft and raspy morning voice. He tousled his messy hair and I watched as he stood before me clad in Batman pajama bottoms.
"About forty-five minutes, I thought you'd never wake up." I replied a little sarcastically.
"Why didn't you call?" He asked
"I did. About seven times, you were probably dead asleep."
Gerard smirked at this, obviously guilty of being a heavy sleeper. "Oh, sorry about that, you could have waited at your house, it's freezing out here."
I shrugged my shoulders and replied, "I know but, I liked the view. I did a little writing while I waited, so at least I got something productive done."
"Oh really? Could I read it?"
I gave Gerard a face and shook my head a little. "Not yet, maybe one day." Since I'd met Gerard I had become much more comfortable with him, but not nearly comfortable enough to show him the intimate writings found in my notebook. They were the most personal words I’d ever recorded and I wouldn’t feel right knowing Gerard had seen them, not to mention the fact that a good portion of it was about him.
Gerard just shrugged, a little disappointed but not upset. He was patient with me and never pushed me too far, but I knew it wouldn't always last. I didn't expect Gerard to stick around and wait for me to open up forever, I'd need to give a little more to keep him around. I'd have to open up to him if I wanted to keep him in my life, and I did want to keep him, I just wasn't sure how.
"Okay, maybe some other time then. Come inside before you freeze to death." He said helping me with my bag though it was obvious that I didn't need assistance. He led me inside his house, down into to his bedroom where he deposited my backpack by his bed. He sat down motioning for me I do the same, so I sat down next to him on his bed.
Normally I would have tried to leave a lot more space between myself and another person, but I didn't mind being so close to Gerard. I sat next to him with only inches between us. This would have been a story book, Hollywood movie kiss opportunity. The boy has the girl alone in his room with no one to interrupt, sitting so close to each other that all it would take to touch lips would be a short lean in. But that didn't happen.
As much as I'd always thought of kissing Gerard, wrote about what it would feel like to have his lips on mine, I wasn't ready. Sure, if he had gone in for it, I wouldn't have pushed him away or anything, but I knew he wouldn't do it. I knew Gerard didn't feel the same way about me as I did about him, no one ever had. I’d never been kissed before and I wouldn’t bet my money on Gerard being my first. He'd never make the first move on me and I'd never take the risk of kissing him myself, so instead I just sat with him like we always did.
Gerard and I made small talk for a while. We drove the conversation in the direction of music and other interests in our lives. It was easy to talk to Gerard and I like having the feeling of comfort with another human being.
Nearly an hour had passed before we realized just how long we'd been talking, it only felt like ten minutes. "Wow, we've been sitting here forever. I still need to take a shower." He said when he saw the time. I just nodded my head figuring he'd just let me wait in his too without much more to say about it. I nearly choked at the next thing he said, "Want to come in with me?"
I stared at Gerard wide eyed disbelieving that I heard what I thought I had. I didn't know what to say to that. Gerard wanted me to go in the shower with him? No I couldn't have heard that right, there was no way he just said that. Gerard and I weren't even dating, we'd never even kissed before, Hell, we could barely have a normal conversation; why would he ask me something like that?
In the middle if my mental frank out, I saw Gerard's lips turn up into a devious smile. I wondered what else he had planned, if he was going to have his way with me despite any of my protest. He started to laugh which made me a little mad, what was so goddamn funny?
"Leigh, I'm kidding." I felt myself exhale a deep breath, finally relieved to hear him admit his joke, but a little disappointed though. I liked Gerard no doubt and I was a teenager after all; although losing it in a shower with Gerard wouldn't be right. "You're blushing,” he half spoke, half laughed, his smile growing wider.
I felt my face heat up at this, if I hadn't been blushing before I definitely was now. I couldn't speak. Gerard was making me too nervous with his joking and teasing, even though at this point I should have been used to it. I tried to shake it off and make it less noticeable but hat only made my cheeks redder. I couldn't think of anything to fix the situation so I just went to my comfort zone. "You're a jerk." I said simply, showing as little emotion as possible, something I was good at. Just shake it off Leigh, he wasn't being serious, so neither should you.
Gerard smiled back at me as he went around his room gathering a towel and a change of clothes. "I'll be right back," he said picking up a pair of pants. "I'll try to be quick." And with that he exited his room, leaving me alone on his bed, confused and shaken.
I couldn't get my head straight. It was that first time Gerard had ever joked in that way. He never even hinted at us being anything more than friends and I felt like now was a weird time to bring it up, especially the way he did. It made me a little uncomfortable that he joked about something like showering with him, but at the same time it was a little flattering, though creepy.
Instead of trying to gather my thoughts on my own I decided to do what I did best when I couldn't get my thoughts straight; I wrote. I opened up my notebook and continued my day's work on a new page. I nervously played with my lip ring as I wrote about what I was thinking. I tried my best to describe the scene that just took place, my thoughts afterwards. As strange as it was, it made for a nice scene I might want to put into one of my stories later on, and I didn't want to forget it.
As I was just finishing off a paragraph, Gerard came back into his room, a towel wrapped only around his lower half. What the hell was the point of him bringing clothes into the bathroom with him if he was just going to come back naked?
Oh God he was naked!
He smiled at me as our eyes met. I felt a little uncomfortable sitting there in his naked presence although I was thankful that he at least still had a towel on. But not for long. He dropped the towel and I almost had an aneurism. I couldn't believe he was just going to be completely naked in front of me, but to my relief he had already put on his boxers. It was still awkward nonetheless.
I looked away as Gerard slipped on his jeans over his hips. Sitting in his room while he got dressed was awkward enough without me watching him. “Uhm, Gerard?” I asked, my voice a little shaky.
“Yeah?”
“Why didn’t you get dressed in the bathroom? You brought clothes in.”
“I don’t like this shirt,” he answered as he tossed a blue tee shirt onto his desk chair. “I think I’m in a Black Flag mood today.” He opened up his dresser drawer and pulled out the band tee shirt and pulled it on over his now wet head. He shook out his hair a little, leaving it to dry into the mess that it normally was.
When it was apparent that he’d finished readying himself, he motioned for me to follow him upstairs so we could get started on our project; the only reason I was really even here. We gathered modeling clay in various colors and got started on shaping the different parts, Gerard’s turning out much better than mine.
About an hour or so into our relatively silent work, Gerard spoke up. “So,” he started, effectively taking my attention away from the mitochondria I was sculpting. “Sorry about before, that was weird of me to say.”
“It’s okay,” I answered simply; I didn’t want to make a big deal about it.
“I was just trying to joke around, but I guess it wasn’t funny.” I nodded my head understandingly. “Don’t worry about it; it’s not like I took you seriously or anything.”
“So it’s not gonna be awkward or anything now?”
“Not unless you make it.” Though things had always been a little awkward between us. I guess I meant that things wouldn’t get much worse.
“Good,” he responded. “Because I was wondering if you wanted to come over again later tonight? Watch a movie with me?” Well, I can’t say I expected that. Just because I said that things wouldn’t be awkward between me and Gerard, doesn’t mean I couldn’t screw up and make them.
“With the guys too?” Maybe their presence would ease everything, after all, the first time I’d met them was kind of…fun. Gerard’s replied was to my dismay though, “No, just us. If that’s cool with you?” I thought about it. Me and Gerard alone. It’s not like we hadn’t been before, and maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, and after all, you’re not really expected to talk much during a movie.
“Cool with me.” Gerard smiled at my answer. “Awesome.”
We continued working on our cell for the rest of the afternoon, stopping for lunch around noon. Gerard seemed normal enough and unaffected by any of the morning’s events, so I decided to let it go and not let anything get to me too much. When our project was finished and as pretty as my crappy artistic skills would let it be, I said goodbye to Gerard and went home to ready myself for the night.
I didn't mind waiting so long for him, the weather was fair and the neighborhood was quiet. Sure, I could have gone and waited at home for Gerard to call and ask, "Where are you?" but the atmosphere was nice. Sitting on Gerard's steps, waiting outside for him was almost... romantic, like one of those things that girls do in cheesy movies.
The neighbors were all up and a few dogs were barking faintly in the distance. I received a few waves from people passing by and did my best to seem friendly and at least wave back, after all they were my neighbors too. A soft breeze tousled my hair a bit, moving my fringe into my eyes which I brought my hand up to push back to the side. The sun was hiding behind some trees and cast intricate shadows on Gerard's front lawn.
I started to wonder if he'd ever come outside. As nice as the moment was, after 45 minutes, it kind of got old. There was always Mikey too I guess; if Gerard never ended up coming out, maybe Mikey would, although that was highly unlikely. Both of the Way brothers slept like they were dead. I'd just have to sit outside and wait for one of them to wake up.
Instead of sitting on the steps, boring myself to hell with my endless thoughts leading to nowhere, I decided to try and make sense of them. I pulled out one of my writing books from my bag and began to scribble down my thoughts. I hadn't always been the best at capturing a moment so I figured that sitting here on Gerard's front steps would be a good opportunity for some practice.
I picked out some features; a tree, the sky, the house across the street, and just started writing. I tried my hardest to capture every detail of each of my subjects, doing with words what Gerard did with paints. I wrote a little, looked up to my subject, then wrote a little more. When I was certain I had described the hell out of one thing, I'd move on to something else.
You'd think that being 'stood up' would get someone depressed. Sure, it hurt a little having to wait for Gerard outside for so long, but there was something about it that also made me happy. Even though I still hadn't opened myself up to Gerard, he still persisted with me. He continued to try his hardest to be nice to me, going out of his way to make me feel special. And even though I was a little upset with him for keeping me waiting so long and normally in this kind of situation I'd run straight to my razors, something kept me from it.
I could have easily up and left Gerard's house and went back home, gotten my razors and scarred myself once more. I could have ended the emotional pain of being ignored by him but this time was different; I didn't want to.
I had noticed that ever since I'd known Gerard, even from the time he'd come to my house when I first moved here, I’d barely thought of cutting, at least not when I was with him. Gerard became my distraction, my therapy, he took away all of my pain unlike any razor could. He was the first person to ever constantly be there for me when the rest of the world was shutting me out. Like the razors, he distracted me from reality and took away all of my pain, but he was better than my razors. Gerard never scarred me, in fact he only healed wounds.
Gerard always knew exactly what to say, fixing my broken self, time and time again. He didn't know just how amazing he was, all that he'd helped me with since we met. He didn't know how many times he'd saved me from myself, keeping me from my razors and one more scar. My older ones had started to fade and less and less were added. I'd go days without cutting, something I never could have done before meeting Gerard.
And now sitting on his front steps, even though I was being stood up, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. I was lucky to have Gerard in my life and be able to call him my ‘friend.’ It had taken me so long to realize just how special Gerard was to me, and it would take me even longer to be able to tell him, but at least now I knew. I finally saw Gerard for the wonderful person he was and it was the best feeling in the world, much better than any razors ever could have given me.
I suddenly heard the door open and Gerard came outside. I looked up from my writing, quickly closing my notebook. I didn't want Gerard to see my work, I wasn't ready to show him yet. "Hey, how long have you been here?" He asked in a soft and raspy morning voice. He tousled his messy hair and I watched as he stood before me clad in Batman pajama bottoms.
"About forty-five minutes, I thought you'd never wake up." I replied a little sarcastically.
"Why didn't you call?" He asked
"I did. About seven times, you were probably dead asleep."
Gerard smirked at this, obviously guilty of being a heavy sleeper. "Oh, sorry about that, you could have waited at your house, it's freezing out here."
I shrugged my shoulders and replied, "I know but, I liked the view. I did a little writing while I waited, so at least I got something productive done."
"Oh really? Could I read it?"
I gave Gerard a face and shook my head a little. "Not yet, maybe one day." Since I'd met Gerard I had become much more comfortable with him, but not nearly comfortable enough to show him the intimate writings found in my notebook. They were the most personal words I’d ever recorded and I wouldn’t feel right knowing Gerard had seen them, not to mention the fact that a good portion of it was about him.
Gerard just shrugged, a little disappointed but not upset. He was patient with me and never pushed me too far, but I knew it wouldn't always last. I didn't expect Gerard to stick around and wait for me to open up forever, I'd need to give a little more to keep him around. I'd have to open up to him if I wanted to keep him in my life, and I did want to keep him, I just wasn't sure how.
"Okay, maybe some other time then. Come inside before you freeze to death." He said helping me with my bag though it was obvious that I didn't need assistance. He led me inside his house, down into to his bedroom where he deposited my backpack by his bed. He sat down motioning for me I do the same, so I sat down next to him on his bed.
Normally I would have tried to leave a lot more space between myself and another person, but I didn't mind being so close to Gerard. I sat next to him with only inches between us. This would have been a story book, Hollywood movie kiss opportunity. The boy has the girl alone in his room with no one to interrupt, sitting so close to each other that all it would take to touch lips would be a short lean in. But that didn't happen.
As much as I'd always thought of kissing Gerard, wrote about what it would feel like to have his lips on mine, I wasn't ready. Sure, if he had gone in for it, I wouldn't have pushed him away or anything, but I knew he wouldn't do it. I knew Gerard didn't feel the same way about me as I did about him, no one ever had. I’d never been kissed before and I wouldn’t bet my money on Gerard being my first. He'd never make the first move on me and I'd never take the risk of kissing him myself, so instead I just sat with him like we always did.
Gerard and I made small talk for a while. We drove the conversation in the direction of music and other interests in our lives. It was easy to talk to Gerard and I like having the feeling of comfort with another human being.
Nearly an hour had passed before we realized just how long we'd been talking, it only felt like ten minutes. "Wow, we've been sitting here forever. I still need to take a shower." He said when he saw the time. I just nodded my head figuring he'd just let me wait in his too without much more to say about it. I nearly choked at the next thing he said, "Want to come in with me?"
I stared at Gerard wide eyed disbelieving that I heard what I thought I had. I didn't know what to say to that. Gerard wanted me to go in the shower with him? No I couldn't have heard that right, there was no way he just said that. Gerard and I weren't even dating, we'd never even kissed before, Hell, we could barely have a normal conversation; why would he ask me something like that?
In the middle if my mental frank out, I saw Gerard's lips turn up into a devious smile. I wondered what else he had planned, if he was going to have his way with me despite any of my protest. He started to laugh which made me a little mad, what was so goddamn funny?
"Leigh, I'm kidding." I felt myself exhale a deep breath, finally relieved to hear him admit his joke, but a little disappointed though. I liked Gerard no doubt and I was a teenager after all; although losing it in a shower with Gerard wouldn't be right. "You're blushing,” he half spoke, half laughed, his smile growing wider.
I felt my face heat up at this, if I hadn't been blushing before I definitely was now. I couldn't speak. Gerard was making me too nervous with his joking and teasing, even though at this point I should have been used to it. I tried to shake it off and make it less noticeable but hat only made my cheeks redder. I couldn't think of anything to fix the situation so I just went to my comfort zone. "You're a jerk." I said simply, showing as little emotion as possible, something I was good at. Just shake it off Leigh, he wasn't being serious, so neither should you.
Gerard smiled back at me as he went around his room gathering a towel and a change of clothes. "I'll be right back," he said picking up a pair of pants. "I'll try to be quick." And with that he exited his room, leaving me alone on his bed, confused and shaken.
I couldn't get my head straight. It was that first time Gerard had ever joked in that way. He never even hinted at us being anything more than friends and I felt like now was a weird time to bring it up, especially the way he did. It made me a little uncomfortable that he joked about something like showering with him, but at the same time it was a little flattering, though creepy.
Instead of trying to gather my thoughts on my own I decided to do what I did best when I couldn't get my thoughts straight; I wrote. I opened up my notebook and continued my day's work on a new page. I nervously played with my lip ring as I wrote about what I was thinking. I tried my best to describe the scene that just took place, my thoughts afterwards. As strange as it was, it made for a nice scene I might want to put into one of my stories later on, and I didn't want to forget it.
As I was just finishing off a paragraph, Gerard came back into his room, a towel wrapped only around his lower half. What the hell was the point of him bringing clothes into the bathroom with him if he was just going to come back naked?
Oh God he was naked!
He smiled at me as our eyes met. I felt a little uncomfortable sitting there in his naked presence although I was thankful that he at least still had a towel on. But not for long. He dropped the towel and I almost had an aneurism. I couldn't believe he was just going to be completely naked in front of me, but to my relief he had already put on his boxers. It was still awkward nonetheless.
I looked away as Gerard slipped on his jeans over his hips. Sitting in his room while he got dressed was awkward enough without me watching him. “Uhm, Gerard?” I asked, my voice a little shaky.
“Yeah?”
“Why didn’t you get dressed in the bathroom? You brought clothes in.”
“I don’t like this shirt,” he answered as he tossed a blue tee shirt onto his desk chair. “I think I’m in a Black Flag mood today.” He opened up his dresser drawer and pulled out the band tee shirt and pulled it on over his now wet head. He shook out his hair a little, leaving it to dry into the mess that it normally was.
When it was apparent that he’d finished readying himself, he motioned for me to follow him upstairs so we could get started on our project; the only reason I was really even here. We gathered modeling clay in various colors and got started on shaping the different parts, Gerard’s turning out much better than mine.
About an hour or so into our relatively silent work, Gerard spoke up. “So,” he started, effectively taking my attention away from the mitochondria I was sculpting. “Sorry about before, that was weird of me to say.”
“It’s okay,” I answered simply; I didn’t want to make a big deal about it.
“I was just trying to joke around, but I guess it wasn’t funny.” I nodded my head understandingly. “Don’t worry about it; it’s not like I took you seriously or anything.”
“So it’s not gonna be awkward or anything now?”
“Not unless you make it.” Though things had always been a little awkward between us. I guess I meant that things wouldn’t get much worse.
“Good,” he responded. “Because I was wondering if you wanted to come over again later tonight? Watch a movie with me?” Well, I can’t say I expected that. Just because I said that things wouldn’t be awkward between me and Gerard, doesn’t mean I couldn’t screw up and make them.
“With the guys too?” Maybe their presence would ease everything, after all, the first time I’d met them was kind of…fun. Gerard’s replied was to my dismay though, “No, just us. If that’s cool with you?” I thought about it. Me and Gerard alone. It’s not like we hadn’t been before, and maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, and after all, you’re not really expected to talk much during a movie.
“Cool with me.” Gerard smiled at my answer. “Awesome.”
We continued working on our cell for the rest of the afternoon, stopping for lunch around noon. Gerard seemed normal enough and unaffected by any of the morning’s events, so I decided to let it go and not let anything get to me too much. When our project was finished and as pretty as my crappy artistic skills would let it be, I said goodbye to Gerard and went home to ready myself for the night.
I LOVE the way you've executed this one. It's done perfectly and characterization is just...magic. If you publish anything THIS SHOULD BE IT.
4/7/14