Bury me in all my favorite colors

And we did make the most of it.

During the day we drove around New York and I took her to see the most famous sights as well as my favorite places. We visited the Statue of Liberty, Central Park, Times Square, the Ground Zero Memorial. I told her the story about how I witnessed the towers coming down from the train and how it ultimately inspired me to do something with my life and start the band. She told me how she had watched it live on TV, crying her eyes out all day. It had always been weird and fascinating to me how people connected through tragedy. And how strong that connection was.

We visited the Empire State Building - where Lana made me reenact some scene from Sleepless in Seattle with her.

'You have to say 'it's you!'' she said and I was confused. 'Just say it!'

'Umm...it's you.'

'It's me!' she smiled and now I vaguely remembered the scene between Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks.

'Don't roll your eyes! It's sooo romantic!'

'Is there a kiss too?' I joked and she more or less ignored the comment, pretending to look through the telescope.

Yes, I was joking but I wouldn't have minded. Yes, I was allowed to think that. Maybe I didn't regret kissing her that night after the funeral. Maybe, under different circumstances, I wouldn't have apologized. Maybe, I caught myself looking at her, sometimes wishing she hadn't pushed me away. I wished I could make her stop thinking that every nice thing I said or did for her was out of pity or a distraction. It had been at some point, possibly. But now there was only one true reason: I was falling in love with her. Deeply. Madly.

It made sharing a bed with her 'as friends' so much harder. No pun intended. My self-control was stronger than ever with Lana. Well, except for that first night I had kissed her. But that didn't count, I had been intoxicated.

When she snuggled against me at night, doing her best to comfort me and made me forget about my night terrors, I kept pretending she was mine. I closed my eyes, inhaling her scent, putting my arms around her, wishing I could forever do just that. And when she walked beside me on our many adventures, all I wanted to do was hold her hand, not like a friend but like a boyfriend, or randomly steal a kiss from her. I didn't even remember when I had started feeling like this or if I had always felt like this but the pain I had kept inside made me oblivious to it.

It all changed the day we went to Coney Island. I had already woken up with a strange feeling. There was something in her eyes as Lana looked at me that morning. At the time I had no clue what it was and looking back we had probably both been oblivious.

'Are you sure about this? There's a whole lotta walking around to do.' I said. Usually we would just drive from one place to the next.

'I'll be fine.' she replied, a cheeky smile on her lips. 'If not, you can always give me a piggy back ride. I believe you still owe me one anyway.'

I giggled, remembering when we went to see the Smashing Pumpkins and I had offered her one. I also remembered my grandma's words when I had visited her before I had left to pick up Lana.

You'll never get that girl out of your head again.

Back then I had rolled my eyes at her attempt to play matchmaker. And I had decided to play along, just to make her happy. Truth was, I never had to play. Lana had made it so easy for me to like her. Even though she thought she would make me hate her.

*

I was wearing a dress that day. And when he saw me in it, the most beautiful smile was lighting up his face. Heart-stopping. As always. It made me happy even though I felt slightly uncomfortable showing off my pale, skinny arms and legs but at least the bruises had faded. One of the many downsides of the cancer was that I had always looked like someone had beaten me up since my skin bruised so easily. But now that my blood platelet count was steadily improving, it was a problem of the past. My prognosis was good and hopefully it would stay that way.

Something was different that day. There was this new found spring in Gerard's step and it was contagious. He wasn't wearing all black for a change and I was proud of him. In the two weeks he had been staying with me now, his vampire-like complexion had acquired a healthy glow and despite the fact that he dreaded going back on tour soon, there was hope in his eyes. Sure, there were moments, mostly during the night, when he would wake up from a dream, the pillow drenched in his tears and I had to ensure him that he could do this, that he had the strength and that nothing bad would happen. But of course, in those dark hours, nothing could really comfort him so all I could do was to stay up with him til dawn when he would finally fall asleep again for a few hours. It was heartbreaking to see him like that, there was literally a pain in my chest when he desperately held on to me, trying to get his sobs under control. I had to keep telling myself that it was better that way, that it was better he was able to let it out instead of keeping it in. I knew that, since I had kept it in too long.

'Okay, first thing we have to do is get cotton candy. It's tradition. Well, it's MY tradition anyway.' Gerard said as we stepped into the amusement park. He was excited like a little kid.

'I like your tradition.' I said and we walked to the nearest vendor, getting a stick of the sugary fluff.

As we sat on a bench, I couldn't help but observe him. Observe him as he was observing everything around him, almost like a child, witnessing something miraculous, trying to absorb every little detail. And it was then I realized that I was looking at him in the exact same way.

He caught me staring and smiled, stuffing another piece of cotton candy into his mouth, his lips pink and sticky and I blushed at my thoughts. I fucking blushed. There was no way in hell he didn't notice it. Not since he was observing me now too. I could have slapped myself. What was I thinking, suddenly having this urge to kiss him. It was stupid and it would ruin everything. Right? Maybe I was being delusional thinking that Gerard sometimes thought of me that way too, now that we were so familiar with each other it could just be the way he acted with girls. After all, I was nothing special so why would he ever....why was I even thinking about that?

'You wanna go?' he interrupted and I was actually grateful for it, so I nodded, getting up.

We spent the afternoon playing arcade games, escaping the heat and the crowds at the rides. I was way too chickenshit to go on a rollercoaster anyway but I didn't want to admit it. Especially since Gerard kept talking about the ferris wheel and how he really wanted to go on it as soon as it was starting to get dark because 'the lights look so pretty from up there'. I beat him at the racing games but he won a couple of stuffed animals for me at Skeeball and the Water Balloon Race. We went to eat at Nathan's Famous and I came to the conclusion that the hotdogs there were even better than the hotdogs we had had at Sunset Park. Gerard made a face but I knew he knew that I was right. After dinner, we sat by the beach for a while eating chocolate covered strawberries and giving me time to rest before we headed over to Deno's Wonder Wheel.

'I didn't take you for a guy who likes amusement parks.' I said, as we took our seats on the ferris wheel half an hour later. My knees were already shaking but I played it cool, hoping that I could distract myself by talking.

'I'm not. I was here a lot as a child, with my grandparents. But I guess as an adult, I always hated them.'

'So why did you take me here?' I asked and instinctively grabbed his arm as the wheel started moving, causing Gerard to giggle.

'Well, apparently so I can protect you from the big scary Wonder Wheel.'

'I'm just scared of heights is all.' I finally admitted.

'Oh really? I used to be. The first time I was on this wheel, I puked in my bag of popcorn. I threw it over the side of the wheel and got in trouble for it. But, I mean, what was I supposed to do? Hold on to the bag of puke for the entire ride? No thanks.'

*

Lana laughed at my story, making my heart flutter. God, I was such a dumbass, feeling like a 12-year old loser all over again. But really, what had changed since then? Yeah, I had had a few girlfriends and had gotten laid but seriously, I knew nothing about feeling like this. This. I didn't even have a word for it, I didn't even know how to describe it. Maybe I thought I did and that made me act like a fool and see things that weren't really there. Like the way she looked at me. I couldn't be to her what she was to me. Impossible. And let's be honest, it wouldn't work anyway. There was no way on-

My thought process came to a halt when Lana took my hand, her arm resting on my thigh, next to mine. I almost jumped up but luckily I didn't, considering we were on a ferris wheel. Immediately, my mind started trying to downplay it. She had held my hand before. Numerous times. But this was different, a voice in my head said. Why? How? another voice replied. Because she had no reason to hold my hand right now. She wasn't comforting me, she wasn't leading me anywhere. She was just sitting next to me, giggling at my puke story. I just knew it was different. I felt it. And when she sighed, trying to catch her breath after laughing so hard it had made her eyes water, I was sure she could feel it too. I glanced down at our entwined hands, thinking about how perfect it looked, wishing I could just freeze this moment. I expected her to let go, take her hand away again since she must have noticed the look on my face, but she didn't move. Actually, she seemed to grab my hand harder, her fingers hugging mine and her thumb stroking over the back of my hand. How was it possible for something so innocent and simple to be that intimate?

It would have been the perfect moment to kiss her. But I didn't. Instead, she kissed me.

It wasn't even a real kiss, her lips just softly finding the corner of my mouth, lingering there for a brief moment before she backed away, her big eyes looking into mine as though she was asking for permission to continue. And I was sure to make it obvious that it was okay but she turned the other way, letting go of my hand, leaving my heart pounding in my chest. I knew that the tension between us wouldn't go away now, at least until we shared a proper kiss.

We got off the ferris wheel five minutes later and made our way to the parking lot to find the car. Neither of us talked but we walked closely next to each other, our sides touching on occasion. She wasn't distant and that made me feel relieved. Maybe I had misunderstood. Maybe it had been one of those 'friendly kisses' that good friends were allowed to give each other from time to time without making it awkward. And maybe, once again, I was thinking too much, not listening to my heart. If I had, I would have seen it coming.

Suddenly, she pushed me against the side of the car and her lips found mine with a confidence and passion I didn't expect. No, that was definitely not a friendly kiss. Unless she had a really strange idea about what that meant. Of course I kissed her back, even if I wanted to resist, I couldn't. And I didn't want to, just to be clear. My arms wrapped around her and her hands grabbed my neck, sending shivers down my spine.

'Gerard...' she whispered and I had never heard anybody say my name the way she did.

*

Somehow we managed to get in the car and I was sitting on his lap, kissing him while he kissed me, desperately. I tasted him and realized that I had been starving. My hands were everywhere, getting in the way of his. I wasn't thinking and there was no need to since we wanted the same thing anyway. It felt good, it felt right. And for once I didn't think about whether or not I was beautiful to him. I knew I was because he made me feel it.

His tongue snuck into my mouth and I smiled. Strawberries and chocolate. My senses were purely focused on him as I reached under his shirt, feeling his warm, soft skin, my head dizzy as he sighed. I was shaking as I opened his belt buckle, not because I was scared or nervous but because I thought I would explode if I had to wait much longer although everything was happening so fast. It wasn't romantic and not in the least like I had envisioned it but right now, it was exactly how I wanted it. He pushed my panties down and I moaned as his fingers found me wet and ready, his lips not leaving mine as he entered me and I gasped, the pain taking me by surprise.

'Shit, I'm sorry.' Gerard frowned, pulling back a little but I shook my head, moving closer again until he filled me up. 'Lana...wait.'

'I'm fine. Just...don't stop.' I muttered, starting to move on him despite the uncomfortableness.

He hesitated for a moment but his head fell back as I kissed his neck, making him moan. I could tell he was holding back and I didn't want him to. It hurt but the pleasure was taking over steadily. I didn't want him to be cautious with me. Eager to get what I wanted, I started nibbling on his neck, my tongue and teeth taking turns at treating his delicate skin, my hands taking his, guarding them under my dress. One of which grabbed my breast, squeezing softly, while the other found its way between my legs and I drew a sharp breath as his thumb began rubbing my clit.

'Oh God...' I moaned, picking up my pace as I could feel him pushing up into me, still carefully but with more confidence now. Fuck, it felt amazing. He felt amazing.

Gerard pulled me closer and my lips were on his again, kissing him breathlessly before our eyes locked. He applied more pressure where he was touching me and my body trembled, making him smile, the fact that he enjoyed making me feel like this turning me on even more. I couldn't believe I was doing this. I couldn't believe I was doing this with him. With Gerard. Although I had sworn never to fall in love with him because I was convinced there could never be a happy ending for us. This time, I couldn't make up a lame excuse in my mind, telling myself that he did it because he felt sorry for me. The truth was there in his eyes.

He made me slow down until neither of us was moving and he pushed away the strap of my dress, kissing my shoulder as he continued pressing his fingers against me, the sensation of him inside of me, just waiting for me, driving me nuts.

'Please...' I whispered, running my fingers through his hair, trying to move again. It was getting unbearable.

Finally, he kissed his way up my neck, taking my lips while trusting up into me again, moaning into my mouth. My orgasm took me by surprise and Gerard held me close while I shook, not letting go as his own pleasure took over and muttering my name over and over again.

Notes

......so yeah, it happened!

eager to hear your thoughts, as always