“Smile for me, sweetie,” Nat cooed, her fingers pushing a chunk of hair out of Dom’s face. “Please?”

Dom shook her head, keeping her eyes closed. She frowned. Her mouth felt like the Sahara desert and she recognized the icky feeling of being in the same bed for longer than twenty-four hours. Sticking her tongue out she groaned and rolled onto her side, the machine connected to her IV beeping because of the sudden movement.

“Make it shut up,” she whined, straightening her arm. She felt Nat lean over her and the machine stopped mid beep. “Thanks.”

Nat smiled down at her roommate, resting her arms on the plastic rail on the side of Dom’s bed. She rested her chin on her arms and tilted her head to the side. “Why did you do it?”

“Do what?” Dom rubbed her hand over her eyes and blinked them open, squinting at the harsh fluorescent light if the hospital room.

“You know what I’m talking about. Don’t play coy,” Nat said, reaching over her to pour a cup of water. “Here drink this.”

Sipping the water, Dom rested her head back in the pillows, letting Nat place the cup back on the table beside the bed. She groaned and smoothed the hospital gown over her before looking over her shoulder at Nat.

“I don’t—”

“Don’t even say that,” Nat cut her off before she could finish the sentence. “Bottling this shit up is getting you nowhere. So either you talk to me or you’re staying here until you talk to a councilor. I’m not gonna keep playing this guessing game with you.”

Nat watched her best friend close down. The tears welled up in her eyes and she buried her head in the pillows. Her knees pulled up and she stayed in the fetal position. Her hair fanned out behind her and her shoulder shook, a low wail of agony filling the quiet room. Pushing her chair closer to the bed, Nat laced her fingers with Dom’s and squeezed, hoping the small action would comfort her at least a little.

“He doesn’t want to talk to me,” Dom finally whispered into her pillow cover.

“Who?”

“Mikey,” she sniffed and rolled to face her roommate. “He said he thinks not speaking for a while will help him figure things out. He doesn’t want me to talk to Gee either.”

“Oh honey,” Nat pulled Dom’s hand to her face and kissed the knuckles. She patted her hand gently and reached up, smoothing her hair behind her ear again.

Dom’s lips trembled and she buried her face back in the pillows. A low sob wracked her and she pulled her hand from Nat’s, wrapping her arm around her middle. “I don’t know why I did it, Nattie. It was there and I just did it. I couldn’t feel anything. I still can’t.”

“Yes you can,” Nat soothed. “You’re just in shock.”

Dom took a deep breath and hugged her knees. The machine on her IV began beeping again and Nat cursed, resetting it. She glanced around the room before returning her attention to Dom who’d fallen back to sleep, her breathing slow and steady. Smiling, Nat pulled the blankets over her and tucked them beneath her before stepping out of the room and pulling out her phone.

“Hey babe,” Frank answered on the second ring, his chipper tone making her frown.

“Frankie, can you keep a secret?” she whispered.

“What?”

“It’s about Dom. She used last night. I found her passed out on her bed. Her nose was bleeding pretty bad.”

“Is she all right? Did you take her to the hospital?”

Nat smiled at the frantic raise of his voice. “I called an ambulance the second I found her. She’s doing better though.”

“Fuck, why didn’t you call Gee, or Mikey?”

“Because I don’t want them to know about it,” Nat sighed and ran her hand through her hair. “It’s because of them that she did it.”

“How?”

“They had a conversation, I’m sure you heard it. Dom said she could hear you talking to Ray in the background.”

The line went quiet and Frank cleared his throat. “Oh, yeah. Mikey was yelling. That explains why those two aren’t speaking to each other at the moment.”

“They’re not?”

“Nope. Gee said something about not wanting to alienate her and Mikey was going on about it being for his own good. It got pretty intense so Ray had to step in and defuse the situation. He’s been doing that a lot lately.”

“Sorry to hear that,” Nat said, chewing her nail. “Dom never intended to cause so much trouble. She’s taking it really hard.”

“I think distance might help. She needs to get her shit together as much as we do.”

“I guess.” Nat nodded, smiling politely at a nurse who stepped into Dom’s room to make sure she was okay. Nat’s eyes stayed on the open door as she watched the reflection of the nurse in the mirror across from Dom’s bed. She leaned over her and checked her vitals before placing a hand on her arm and shook her awake.

“Gee?” Dom groaned and Nat stepped into the doorway as Dom gingerly sat up and rubbed her eyes.

“I’m sorry, sweetie,” the nurse said. “I just need to make sure everything’s stable. How are you feeling?”

“Like shit, but that’s not what you mean,” Dom grumbled, her voice devoid of humor. “I’m freezing.”

The nurse nodded and bustled from the room. Nat resumed her seat beside her roommate and sighed. She waited for the nurse who returned with an extra blanket and left again before resuming her conversation.

“Frank, d’you want to talk to her? She’s awake.”

“Sure.”

Dom’s eyebrows shot up when Nat handed her the phone. She closed shaking fingers around it and held it to her ear, her posture relaxing when Frank greeted her.

“How are you feeling, Pumpkin?” he said, his voice soft in her ear.

“I don’t feel anything, Frankie,” Dom replied flatly, ignoring his use of her nickname.

“Don’t say that. You have to feel something.”

“I feel empty.” Dom stared at her knees and scratched her thigh.

“Don’t feel like that.”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to be feeling. So I’m not feeling anything,” Dom whispered, her lip trembling. She wiped at her eyes and turned her head away from Nat, her hair hiding her face. “I just want things to go back to normal, Frankie.”

“It’s too late for that.”

“And it’s my fault. Why do I always do this to everyone around me? I’m like a wall of destruction. Maybe if I wasn’t around anymore everyone would be happy,” Dom sobbed. “I should just go away.”

“Don’t you event think that.”

“I can’t help it,” she sniffed.

“Yes, you can. We love you, Dom. Don’t forget that. If anything happened to you we’d all be fucking lost. I swear to god if you even think about hurting yourself—”

“Thanks, Frank,” Dom cut him off.

“For what?”

“Caring.”

He laughed. “We all care about you.”

“I wish I believed that.” Dom wiped her hand under her eyes again. “Is Ray around?”

She heard him shuffle and held her breath, hoping he was. Frank’s voice greeted her again and she frowned. “I’m sorry, babe, but he’s sleeping. Mikey and Gee are up though.”

“Oh, okay. Well, I’ll give you back to Nat then. I’m not Mikey’s favorite person at the moment so I don’t think I should talk to him. Tell Gee I said I miss him.”

“I will.”

“Thank you. I love you Frankie.”

“Love you too, Pumpkin.”

Dom rolled to face Nat and held the phone out. She offered her roommate a watery smile before turning away from her. She listened to Nat whisper to Frank and hang up the phone. Closing her eyes she pretended to be asleep, breathing as slow and evenly as she could so Nat wouldn’t know she was awake. She listened to the chair creak as Nat shifted her weight but didn’t leave.

“I know you’re still awake,” she muttered after a few minutes of silence. “I get it if you don’t want to talk but I’m going to say this anyway. We love you, Dom. I love you. And I don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to you. Last night I thought you were gone and I felt like I was losing my sister. You’re family now. I know you don’t think you are, but believe me, I love you like my fucking blood.

“Gerard and Mikey and Frank and Ray, they love you like family too. I know right now you think they don’t care but they care more than anyone. Mikey might be in a bad place right now but he still loves you. Gerard loves you. You might not think you deserve that love, Dom, but you do. They’re just frustrated that you can’t accept that.”

Dom squeezed her eyes closed and fought another wave of tears. She wasn’t sure if she could ever accept that. She didn’t deserve them. Hugging her knees closer to her chest she bit her bottom lip trying to stifle her crying. She didn’t want Nat to be right but she was. They did love her and she loved them so much it hurt. She felt the mattress shift and stiffened when Nat’s arms wrapped around her, the smell of strawberries from her hair and the faint aroma of perfume hit her and she let out a quiet hiccup.

Nat pressed her face into Dom’s shoulder and squeezed her tightly; “Frank wanted me to give you a hug from him and the guys. He’s not going to tell Gee and Mikey about your overdose. But he wants you to get help again. He wants you to talk to someone.”

“I don’t want to,” Dom whispered.

“You don’t have to right now, but you will when you’re better,” Nat said, her tone telling her not to argue. Instead, Dom let Nat tuck the extra blanket around her and settle back into her chair where she remained for the rest of the night.