The whimper was low and persistent in the back of Dom’s throat, her eyes squeezed tightly shut against the nightmare. Her hands fisted in the rumpled blankets covering her and her head thrashed from side to side, disturbing the smooth waves of her long hair. The whimper grew louder before cutting off, Dom’s head thrashing in sleep.

“Stop it, Daddy!” the little girl shrieked, hugging her legs tightly to her small chest. Her large gray eyes were wide as she stared up at the table she hid beneath. The yelling echoed off the kitchen walls and her father’s leg collided with the table, sending a screech of wood on linoleum.

“Stupid bitch!” her father’s voice boomed, followed by a loud slap. The girl whimpered when her mother fell to the floor holding her face, the tears mixing with blood seeping between her trembling fingers. “I told you to keep away from that fucking prick next door!”

“David, he came over to watch Nikki,” her mother gasped through the tears. “I was going shopping for her school clothes, that’s all.”

Her father’s hands grabbed her mother’s shoulders, pulling her off the floor. Her heels clicked loudly as she struggled to regain her footing but David never gave her the chance. Another thump of hand against face filled the room and her mother fell to the floor again, this time her eye quickly swelling closed.

“Nikki, sweetie, you need to get out of here, baby.” Her one open eye fell on the girl and she leaned forward, crawling on her hands and knees toward her mother. “No, don’t come this way, go to your room.”

Nodding, the girl turned, crawling in the opposite direction until the kitchen table no longer hid her. Jumping to her feet she ran as fast as her toddler legs could carry her toward the front steps. She could hear the yelling of her father, the smell of stale alcohol filling the downstairs. As she charged up the steps her feet became tangled and she fell forward, hitting her chin on the step above. A whine of pain escaped her….

Dom came out of her dream with a cry, her hands groping at her chin, feeling the rough carpet against the delicate skin. Squeezing her eyes closed she fell back into her pillows and groaned. She hated sleeping sometimes. No matter how much her body needed it sleeping always ended up in nightmares. It was the only time her mind was vulnerable enough to let that scared little girl resurface full force.

“Fuck,” she muttered, rubbing the sleep from her face and rolling onto her stomach. She fished out the ear buds to her iPod and plugged them into her ears, hitting shuffle and burying her face in the sheets. She let out a soft chuckle; of course, the first song that played was My Chemical Romance. Gerard’s voice filled her head and she yanked the earphones out.

“I hate that you know me so well, iPod,” she glared at the small square screen, using the back light to find her cell phone. Her hand landed on the little baggie of powder she’d been carrying with her for two days and frowned. A small slit in the plastic was letting particles leak onto her bedside table. Lifting the bit of powder on her fingertip to her eyes she studied it with a frown. Her mind screamed at her not to do it but her heart told her to go for it. Break her sober promise.

“No, not yet,” she shook her head, wiping the residue on her pajama bottoms before grabbing her phone and finding who she wanted to call. If the Ways didn’t want to speak to her, she was going to have to bite the bullet and speak to one of them. So with trembling fingers she hit the send button and prayed.

Two rings.

Three rings.

Four rings.

Chewing her bottom lip she groaned when the automated voice informed her that Mikey was unavailable to take her call. She disconnected it and tried Gerard, crossing her fingers that one of them would pick up. When her call went unanswered she tossed the phone and buried her face in her hands.

“Fuck, fuck, fuckin’ shit fuck!” she grumbled, rolling onto her stomach. Her fingers wrapped around the phone again and she scrolled through her contacts. She paused at the little highlighted “L” and lifted her thumb. She knew Luke would answer, but she didn’t want to bear her soul to her former drug dealer. A frown creased Dom’s face and she continued scrolling, the highlighted line stopping on Ray. Shrugging, Dom clicked the name and selected the number.

“Can’t hurt to try,” she mumbled and hit send, crossing her fingers again as it rang.

“Hello?” his voice was drowned out by the massive roaring of fans and Dom hesitated. They were performing.

“Oh, God, Ray, I’m so sorry! I didn’t realize you were at a show. I feel so stupid now—”

“Dom? What’s wrong? I have a second before we go back on. What’s up?” He sounded rushed and his breath came in short bursts. Dom smiled.

“I just… I had a nightmare and I needed someone to talk to is all.”

“Oh, well, I have to go, but I’ll call you after we’re finished. We just have the encore and we’re done.”

“Okay,” Dom nodded, unable to control her silly smile.

“’Kay, see ya,” he said and the line disconnected. Burying her face in her pillow, Dom sighed. She should’ve known they’d be performing. They’d been on tour for what felt like forever. Groaning, she turned her head to the side and her eyes landed on the little bubble of plastic holding the white powder. Fighting the urge to pick it up, she tucked her hands underneath the pillow and stared at it. Hard.

“You little slut! Get the fuck out of my house!” The drunken screams echoed through Dom’s head and she winced. Her eyes fluttered closed as she remembered, the force of her father’s words making her cringe.

“I didn’t do anything, Dad!” her teenage self screamed back. Her lean frame was pressed against the wall, her hands tucked behind her as she glared into the bleary brown eyes of her father.

“I can smell the kid on you, Dominica!” His heavy hand landed hard on her shoulder and she yelped in pain but he didn’t seem to hear. Instead his hand moved the hair away from her neck, his fingers tugging down the collar of her shirt. A small bruise on her collarbone made his eyes go wide and he slammed his daughter hard against the wall.

“What’s that?”

“Nothing!”

“What is it?” His roar made her wince again.

“I said it’s nothing!” She ripped her body away from his grip, tripping up the stairs. His drunken lumbering followed her as she ran into the safety of her bedroom and slammed the door. As she slid the lock into place his fist rattled the hinges but the wood didn’t budge.

“You’re a whore! Just like your mother!” He screamed, the shattering of a bottle letting Dom know he’d dropped his beer again. A few tears leaked from the corners of her eyes but she wiped them away with shaking hands.

“You don’t mean that. You’re drunk,” she whispered and he punched the door again. She could hear him sobbing on the other side. Another thump let her know he’d slid to the floor where he continued to blubber.

“Daddy?” Dom whispered, cracking the door open to find her father curled up on the floor in the puddle of his beer. His shoulders shook and he hugged his knees, his hair a tangled mess of black around his face. Cautiously, Dom slipped into the hallway, kneeling beside him and resting a careful hand on his shoulder. “Daddy, don’t cry.”

“I miss her so much,” he slurred, turning his face into the puddle of alcohol and breathing in. “So much.”

“I know,” Dom said softly, helping him sit up. “I know. I do too.”

His body went limp as Dom got him upright and she groaned. Trying her best, she managed to hook her hands under his arms and drag him slowly down the hall to the master bedroom. Propping him up on the baseboard of the bed she went to work removing his shoes and jacket before struggling to get him onto the mattress. When that was done she turned to the closet and grabbed the bucket she kept there, placing it beside the bed for when he awoke.

The ringing of her cell phone pulled her out of her head and Dom jumped, fumbling for it with frantic hands. She lifted her face out of the pillow and glanced at the caller ID, her heart doing a somersault in her chest.

“Gee?”

“Hey,” was his reply and she frowned.

“That’s it?”

“What?”

“You haven’t said a word to me for God knows how long and all you can say is ‘Hey’?!”

The line was quiet for a moment before he laughed. Dom’s jaw clenched and he kept laughing. “Okay, don’t jump down my throat. Shit. If you’d continued the conversation I would have apologized but if you’re gonna be like this I’ll just hang the fuck up.”

For a split second Dom wanted him to but she remembered why she’d called him and the anger disappeared. “Wait, don’t. Please. I’m sorry.”

She could hear Frank laughing in the background and the muffled rumble of the tour bus’s engine. They were back on the road. Gerard sighed.

“Ray told me to call you back. He said you called all frantic during the show. What happened?”

“I—I just had a nightmare. That’s all.”

“A nightmare or a memory?” Dom could hear the concern in his voice and she smiled.

“Memory,” she muttered into her pillow.

“Which one?”

“When I fell up the steps.”

“Is that the only one?”

She felt the blush rise in her cheeks. He knew her so well. “No.”

“What was the other one?”

“After my Dad caught me sophomore year with my first hickey.”

He chuckled but quickly turned it into a cough. Dom felt herself smile with him. Leading up to going home had been one of the best nights of her life before her spiral into oblivion.

“That was a good night.”

“Yeah,” she sighed, her fingers creeping out from beneath her pillow to touch the spot where the hickey had been so many years ago. “I miss those days.”

“I do too sometimes.”

“Gee?”

“Yes?”

“I miss you.”

“I miss you too, Sugar.”

Dom grinned. “I love it when you call me that.”

The two shared a short laugh before the smile faded from Don’s lips. She didn’t want to ruin the moment but she couldn’t ignore the elephant in the room. She had to ask him.

“I know what you’re going to say,” Gee broke the short silence. “Just say it.”

“I don’t want to,” she whispered. “I don’t want to ruin this.”

“Dom,” he warned. “Just ask.”

“Why didn’t you call?” she blurted and his soft chuckle filled her ear. “It’s not funny!”

“I know, I’m sorry,” he sobered. “And I’ve been trying to think of an answer to that question since we left and I still have no idea. I guess I just felt that if I called you, I’d betray what I’ve spent this entire tour so far repairing with Mikey.”

“Then why are you talking to me now?”

“Because I can’t hide from this forever,” he sighed.

“Hide from what?” Gee frowned at the caution in her voice. He knew she’d be afraid of what he was about to say. She did the same thing with Mikey. He just hoped she’d stick around this time.

“The fact that I’ve fallen in love with you, Dominica.”

The line was silent for a moment before Dom sniffed. She was struggling to hide her tears from him but he knew she was crying. A lump formed in his throat and he tried to swallow but it wouldn’t budge. He wasn’t sure he wanted to hear her reaction.

“Dom?”

“Yeah?”

“What’s wrong?”

She sniffed again. “I—I don’t know, Gee. You just told me you love me.”

“I know. You don’t have to say it back. I just wanted you to know.”

“Thanks for that. Really.” She replied sarcastically. She tried blinking away the tears but they just kept flowing. Wiping a hand across her face she rested her forehead in her palm and sighed.

“I don’t want to hurt you too,” she finally whispered. “I told you not to fall in love with me. You promised, Gee.”

He laughed, “We sound like a fucking movie.”

“Yeah,” she forced a watery chuckle. “I can’t do this again. I can’t.”

“Don’t run away,” he pleaded. “Dom, please.”

“I can’t hurt you too. I care too much about you to go through this again. Not you too. I already destroyed what I had with Mikey. Not you too.”

“You haven’t destroyed anything.”

“Yes, I have!” she sobbed.

In the background she could hear Mikey talking to Ray and Frank. Her heart froze when his voice got closer and he asked the million-dollar question. “Gee, who you talking to?”

“Dom.” Gerard answered and she held her breath.

“Can I?” came his response and she prayed Gerard wouldn’t hand him the phone.

“Yeah, one second.”

“Fuck.”

“Dom, Mikey wants to talk to you.”

“I heard,” she tried to put on her game face, wiping at the still streaming tears.

“Do you mind?” he asked.

“No, not at all.”

“Okay, here he is.”

Pressing her lips together, Dom heard the phone shift and another sob wracked her when Mikey greeted her.

“Hi, Dom.”

“Hi, Mike.”

The two fell silent and Dom pressed the back of her hand against her mouth. Just knowing he was on the other side of the phone made her heart splinter into a thousand pieces. She took a deep breath, counting a few seconds before letting it out and flipped to lay on her back, staring at the shadows on the ceiling.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, her eyes trained on the tree branch taking up most of the ceiling.

“Me too.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“I’m sorry I scared you off.”

“You didn’t.”

“But I did. I should have known how you’d react. I should have known telling you how I felt would ruin everything. Dom, I didn’t want to lose you. Maybe if I never told you, you wouldn’t have run to Gerard.”

“I didn’t run to him. He was just helping me. You have to understand.”

“I don’t.”

“I wish I could see you in person for this conversation,” she grumbled. “This needs to be said face to face.”

“Then fly out.” His voice sounded flat. Annoyed even. Dom squeezed her eyes closed, the shadows of her memory still burned onto her eyelids. She cringed.

“I can’t. Not yet.”

“Then we’ll talk now.”

“Don’t be like this, Mikey,” she warned. “Please, don’t be like this.”

“How am I supposed to be?”

“Just not like this!”

“I just want to understand why this happened. Just explain it to me, please. You have no idea how much this hurts. I love you, Dom. I’ve loved you for a long time and you just ruined everything.”

“I didn’t want to! It just happened! I never meant to put you through this and I shouldn’t have let it happen. Mikey, please understand. I was scared. I didn’t know what to do. Love is such a huge word and I couldn’t handle such a responsibility. You expected so much and I couldn’t return it. I still can’t. I don’t know how.”

The sobs wracked her again and she pushed her pillow against her face to muffle them. She didn’t want to wake Nat with her crying again. Pulling her knees to her chest she let the tears roll onto the pillow cover until it was soaked.

“I don’t think we should see each other for a while,” his monotone interrupted her sobbing. The breath caught in Dom’s throat and she coughed.

“What?”

“I don’t want to see or hear from you for a while. I need time to figure this out,” he repeated. “I don’t think you should call us either.”

“Mikey, don’t do this.”

“I’m sorry, Dom.”

“No, don’t—!”

But the line clicked. Dom stared at the flashing numbers on her cell phone screen, her mouth agape. She let it fall out of her hand before the tears wracked her frame again. She gasped for air but nothing helped. Her entire body hurt from the emotional blow. She let the tears fall until she couldn’t cry anymore. Keeping her arms wrapped tightly around her as the pain in her chest consumed her.

Her red, watery eyes fell on the little baggy on the bedside table and Dom reached out for it, letting the powder fall through the slit and onto the wood. Easing her weight to sit up, Dom leaned over it, pulling open the top drawer where she kept index cards and papers. She pulled out one of the cards and dug around mechanically until she found the little straw she was looking for. She tapped the card in the powder, making three thin lines before raising the straw to them and leaning close. The first line made her whoozy and she dragged the back of her hair under her nose and sniffed. Blinking a few times she returned to the lines, inhaling the second.

She stared at the third with half open eyes and sniffed again. She didn’t know why she broke her promise. She couldn’t feel anything anyway. The numb had taken hold of her the moment Mikey’d hung up the phone. She shrugged into the darkness. Maybe she just needed the old habit. She had no idea. Her eyes returned to the last line and she leaned forward. The table went out of focus but she ignored the dizziness and inhaled the last line. Dropping the straw on the table she fell back into her pillows and stared at the ceiling until she fell into black.