Forever

I sat on the floor for a while after that.

Sobbing and waiting for Gerard to say something.

Anything.

His answer never came.

I looked up and found him just staring at me.

Did he find this amusing?

Does see me suffering like this make him feel good?

Does he even realize why I'm like this?

"FUCKING SAY SOMETHING, GERARD!!" I yelled at him.

"...what do you want me to say?" he asked in monotone.

I buried my head in my hands, what do I him to say?! Is he fucking kidding me?!

"Are you fucking joking, Gerard?" I asked a couple minutes later, my voice was hoarse and scratchy.

He looked at me with unreadable expression.

"ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING, GERARD?!"

He didn't say anything, just stared at me as I crumbled.

I sobbed harder, just wanting all of this to go away.

I want Gerard to hold me close and kiss me and make me feel loved and just fuck the world.

But that's not going to happen.

He probably doesn't see what he did wrong.

I looked up and saw him still standing there, frowning down at his shoes.

"FUCKING SAY SOMETHING! !...for crists sake, Gerard."

He didn't even look up.

"Gerard? Gerard, look at me!"

Nothing.

I started crying again, harder than I've ever cried.

I looked at him and then thought about everything and I hurt. Because I didn't care.

Because I want to take him back.

Have I lost myself so much?

Do I value myself so little as to go back to the guy that cheated on me twice?

He didn't move when I started coughing, didn't even seem to notice.

"'Rard?" I croaked over an hour of sobbing and coughing later.

He looked at me then.

Eyes glassy with unfallen tears.

He didn't say anything, just looked at the crumbled, pathetic mess that was me.

I extended my arms, trying to tell him to hug me.

I don't care if he cheated I just want him to hold me right now.

He complied, slowly making his way towards me.

He sat down in front of me and pulled me on to his lap.

I wrapped my arms around his arm and curled in close to his chest.

He cradled me in his arms and swayed back and forth slowly.

I nuzzled my face in to his chest, smelling his unique scent through his shirt, he had taken off the vest.

I cried quietly for a little while longer.

Gerard would run his finger through my short hair and whisper soothing words to me.

Saying how beautiful I was, how much he loved me.

I almost believed him.

Almost.

I fell asleep in his arms.

I felt safe and loved, but I knew it was just an illusion.

I wanted someone to love me, so much that I started to see and feel things that weren't there.

Gerard doesn't love me.

He's just with me because I'm pathetic.

He feels nothing for me.

Never has, never will.

I fell asleep telling myself that, and I believed it.

I believed it.

-----Time Lapse-----

When I woke up it was dark outside.

My head hurt.

My arms, legs and back hurt.

My eyes felt irritated.

But I was wrapped in something warm.

Not a blanket, but much better.

Gerard's strong arms.

He had me pressed in close to his chest, his arms around my shoulders and waist. Our legs entwined.

I like this. A lot.

But it's not real.

He doesn't really want to be with me. Nobody does.

He doesn't love me.

At least not the way I want him to.

He doesn't think of me, dream of me.

Doesn't wish to be with me every minute of every day.

He doesn't want to be with me for all eternity.

He doesn't think of me before bed, or when he wakes up.

I'm not what keeps him up at nigh.

He doesn't crave a kiss, melt for a touch.

He doesn't love me.

Maybe he likes me, maybe he cares for me.

But not love.

He doesn't, didn't and won't ever love me.

I clutched on to the fabric of his under shirt tighter.

I don't care if he doesn't want me, I need him.

I felt him move a bit.

"Baby? You're awake?"

I didn't say anything, just curled up closer to him.

I felt him move me, so I had my back against his chest.

He wrapped his arms around me again. One around my waist and the other under my neck.

He nuzzled his nose in to the space where my neck meets my shoulder.

I felt his warm breath tickle my skin when he sighed.

The he pressed soft, sweet kisses to my neck and shoulder.

He kissed me just behind my ear and then whispered an 'I love you." followed by another kiss.

It felt so good.

Not just the kisses -that felt great, too- but having him here, with me.

He loves me, right?

I'm just too paranoid to see it, right?

I made a soft noise, something between a gasp and a moan -so embarrassing- when he started to bite and suck softly on my neck.

Of course he loves me.

I mean, he wouldn't be with me if he didn't, right?

I tangled my fingers in his long black hair and pressed him down harder.

I really, really like this.

Of course he loves me.

I don't want him to stop, or leave.

He moved so I was laying flat on my back and he was holding himself up by the elbows.

I made another weird noise, fuck I have to stop doing that, it's embarrassing.

I think he noticed I was trying to be quiet because he started to bite harder and fuck, that felt so good.

Of course he loves me.

I felt him suck and bite harder and of fucking course that's going to leave a mark, not that I care.

I want that, actually. A mark.

His mark.

I mean, I still have the one from when he bit me...first bite marks don't fade.

But I want something more, something to show I'm his in every way.

Because I am. His in every way.

Well, in every way he lets me.

We still hadn't had sex.

He did with Jackie, though.

I loosened my grip on his hair.

He did with Jackie, though.

I felt my heart break all over again
.
Jackie is all his, not me.

He doesn't love me.

I felt tears roll down my cheeks.

Salty tears trying to sooth my aching heart.

Gerard started to kiss lower, sucking and biting my collarbones.

He doesn't love me.

He kissed down my chest.

He took my nipple in his mouth and sucked on it softly.

I wasn't touching him anymore.

Just lying there and letting him do whatever he wanted.

He doesn't love me.

More silent tears.

He bit down softly, I whimpered. Not from him, but because of my heart ache.

He probably thought this was a good sign, me making noise, because he started to do the same to my other nipple.

I barely noticed how good it actually felt, too busy trying to keep my crying as soft as possible.
He kissed down my stomach, biting at the soft flesh and nuzzling in to it.
I covered my mouth and didn't look at him as he went down lower, pulling the covers of me.
I felt kind of violated, did he not notice I wasn't reincorporating?

He doesn't love me.

It was dark, the only light coming in was from the half hidden moon behind the dark curtains, so I doubt he could see the tears pouring down my cheeks.

He kissed my sharp hip bones.

Then my thighs, bending my knees and kissing lower.

Open mouthed, lingering kisses.

He had his hand wrapped around one of my thighs, the other sprawled on my tummy.
Did he do this with Jackie?

I whimpered just as placed a soft kiss to my inner thigh.

I bit my knuckles, not wanting him to know how much it hurt.

How he hurt me so bad the emotional pain could make me cry and whimper so pathetically.

He bit my inner thigh, sucking on the flesh afterwords.

It felt so good but I hurt so much.

I bit my hand harder.

He doesn't love me.

I felt him slid his hands to the waistband of my boxers, slipping his thumbs under it.

I froze.

Was he really going to do this?

Does he not see how much I hurt?

I felt him pull down a bit, probably testing to see if I would let him.

I did nothing.

He doesn't love me, he loves Jackie.

I did nothing as he pulled of my boxers.

He doesn't love me, he loves Jackie

I did nothing as he wrapped his long artistic fingers around me.

He doesn't love me, he loves Jackie.

I did nothing but cry silently and hope for him to not notice.

He doesn't love me, he loves Jackie.

Notes

title from metallicas 'master of puppets'

sorry I didn't reply to all the comments ._ but hope you guys like this!

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