He left and I slammed the door behind him. I ran up to my room and waited until I heard him leave. Then I really started crying. I didn't know I have so many tears. I turned my stereo up as loud as it would go;

"Take away the sensation inside,
Bitter sweet migraine in my head
It's like a throbbing toothache of the mind
I can't take this feeling anymore

Drain the pressure from the swelling
This sensations overwhelming
Give me all a kiss goodnight
And everything will be alright

Tell me that I won't feel a thing
So go me Novocain"

Novocain.
My parents have Novocain in the meds cabinet.
Should I?
Well, it’s not like I have anything to lose.

I walked over to the kitchen and opened the cabinet with all the meds, it was hard to find it because I was still crying but eventually I pulled out the pills then I grabbed a glass of water.

I walked into my room just as the song was ending. I sat by my bed and hugged a teddy bear tight to my chest as I swallowed a few pills.

I didn't feel anything at first. Then I felt...nice. Like I could fly. I didn't feel any more pain. Any more heartbreak. I felt free.

"I have become comfortably numb" The stereo was now blasting Pink Floyd.

I liked this feeling.

I liked this kind of numbness.

I didn't feel betrayed or hurt or sad or angry.

I just felt kind of light weight.

The world looked better like this, fuzzy around the edges.

I liked this.

----------Time Lapse---------
I spent the rest of the day like this.
Popping pills every few hours.
Eventually I ran out of Novocain and resorted to getting drunk.
It was really late now.
Like 3:30.
I have school in the morning.
Like fuck I'm going.
I don't want to see Gerard or Mikey...or anyone.

I took a drink from my fourth bottle of vodka,
"PALE WHITE SKIN WITH STRAWBERRY GASHES ALL OVER ALL OVER!!" I screamed along to Jack off Jill.

I was so drunk.

I don't think I've ever been the shitfaced in my life.

I stumbled down the stairs to the kitchen and over to the meds cabinet. I kept searching for something. Anything.

And I found mothers pain killers. This'll do.

I crawled back up stairs and took a couple pills then more vodka.

I don't remember falling asleep. But I must have passed out sometime after that.

----------Time Lapse--------

I woke up to the worst headache of my life.
And the worst 'what-in-gods-name-happened-last-night' moment. I didn't remember anything after dinner with Gerard.

How the fuck did I get to my house?! What time is it?! I checked my phone. Its early, 8:45 but...it's already Monday?! How the fuck does my stupid brain skip a whole fucking day?!

Well, what the fuck happened?!?!

I looked around my room and saw many empty bottles of vodka and...pills?

I picked a tablet of pills up.
Novocain?!
What the fuck was so bad I took Novocain?!?!?!

I found some other pain killers. What the hell happened?!
I looked around my room, the bed was messy, my stereo was on but wasn't playing anything, my plushies where all around me and there was a fuckton of tissues near me..

I got up and stumbled to the bathroom. I probably look like shit. There was a tall mirror in the bathroom, so I could see my whole body.

I didn't like what I saw.

My eyes where incredibly bloodshot, there where bags under my eyes, my clothes where messy, stained with vodka, I had bruises on my wrists and

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ON MY NECK?!?!?!?!?!

I looked closer.

Nah, it's just a bruise...with teeth marks, WHAT THE FUCK?!

More like: WHO THE FUCK?!?!

And then it all came back to me. And I felt like getting drunk and high again.

Gerard.
That's what happened.

He betrayed me.

He took advantage of being alone with me.

Yeah, I kind of wanted it too. But I told him to stop and he should have listened.

He said he loved me.

Well almost, I remember I told him to shut up before he finished.

My Grandpa walked in on us.

Fuck.

But Gerard said he talked with him, and he said he wouldn't tell my parents.

I can't believe all that happened.

Oh, my god.
Gerard touched me like that!

I actually liked it.
I'm sick.
A sick perverted bipolar slut.

Wait.
He said one date and he would leave me alone, so...I'm all cleared!

But...

I kind of do want to see him again.

What the fuck is wrong with me?!

Do I like Gerard?

Well, he's very good looking. Y'know like 'mother-of-metal-excuse-me-while-I-jizz-myself' kind of good looking.

And he's really nice to me.
When he's not trying to get in my pants.
Oh, and...the waterfall!

Yeah, the motherfucking waterfall!

That was beautiful, and he was so nice. And he treated me wih so much...love?

I don't know. I doubt someone like Gerard would love me.

He tried to tell me that right? It was probably just a trick to get in my pants...again.

I looked at my wrists. The bruises from where Gerard pinned me to the bed. And I looked at my neck. The (motherfucking) hickey he left.

I pressed my fingers on the hickey and remembered, what it felt like, to be so close to Gerard, to have him touch me like that, to have him kiss me.

I liked it. No point denying it. I motherfucking loved it.

But it was different.

I felt like if it would have been anyone else in the world that did that to me, it wouldn't have felt like that.

Gerard was different.

Gerard was...special.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

I can't think about this right now.
I started cleaning my room.

Picking up plushies, vodka bottles, pills, tissues and some CDs that were thrown all over my room.

I was almost done but I started to feel really guilty and sad.

What the fuck?!

I knew they weren't my feelings. They felt foreign. But familiar at the same time.

Like I knew why they where there. But I didn't.

Why the fuck was I feeling someone else’s feelings?! Because they are sure as fuck not mine!

"What the fuck?" I was very confused. And sad.

So very very sad.

I started to cry, I just felt so sad and abandoned. My heart literally aches.

And I know that somehow I'm feeling someone else’s feelings.

Oh, my god. I feel so horrible.

What the hell is happening?!

Why the fuck am I feeling this?!

My phone rang and I picked it up. I hadn't even seen the many missed calls from Mikey. WTF?

I read the message he sent:

From: Mikey W.
"I cnt beliv U WTF did U do 2 G?! Answr me!""

What.
What?
WHAT?!
Another message arrived not a minute after:

From: Mikey W.
"G's so sad WTF happened?!"

What the hell?! Is Gerard sad?! No. I don't want him to be sad!

Wait. I don't want him to be sad?

I...care about Gerard.

Why is he sad? What did I do?!

I got another message about ten minutes later.

From: Mikey W.
G tld me wht hpnd m'srry. U wnt me 2 come?

I don't know if I can talk about what the fuck I feel. But...I can trust Mikey, right?

To: Mikey W.
Yeah, you should come over. Please don't bring Gerard.

I don't know if I can talk or even see Gerard right now.

Fuck my life.
Fuck my life so hard.

Notes

and then there was chapter eleven!!!

soooo yeaaaah, who loves the weekend?!

anyways so yeah, there you go, another chapter!

now put your fingers on the fucking keyboard and write me a motherfucking comment
NOW!

title from Green Day's 'Restless Heart Syndrome'