At noon, I file into the cafeteria slowly with the rest of the patients who were at group therapy. We all grab our food and head to our tables. This time my table has Lindsey eagerly awaiting my appearance.

“Hello, Lindsey,” I greet her hesitantly.

“Hi.”

“Why are you here?” I ask slowly, wanting her to get to the point.

“I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Iero.” There are plenty other patients of his and she comes to me.

“What about Dr. Iero?” Just get to the point already!

“Do you know what other patients he’s seeing? Because I can’t seem to find anyone else who has switched doctors like you.” She looks around, waiting for someone to pop out and take her away. I would really enjoy that right about now.

“Why do you want to know?” I probe.

“I think he’s planning something and it might be something against just you.” She’s still squirming around and she won’t make eye contact with me. This should make me worry, but I don’t care anymore and I highly doubt I’m his only patient. He wouldn’t go from world renowned doctor, treating the world’s worst cases, to me. I’m not that bad. Or, am I? Dr. Hollis never told me the intensity of my disorder.

“Thank you for the warning.” I brush her off, hoping she gets that I want her to leave. She smiles smugly and stops squirming. She makes herself comfortable at my table. “Anything else?”

“Nope,” She states nonchalantly. “I thought I’d spend some time with you today.” Finding this battle futile, I sit down at the table and begin eating. Just then, Lucy comes around with the pills. I have decided that I will take my pills every day, even though I hate what they do to me. They make you think and act differently. I get that they make Ray go away, but sometimes they don’t and that makes them pointless. But I need to prove to Dr. Iero that I actually want to get out of here and become stable again. Maybe the pills will help him break my barrier down. Again, that should worry me. I shouldn’t be aiding him with his path of destruction; I should be patching that hole up and guarding it even more.

“Good afternoon, guys.” Lucy chirps, eyeing Lindsey suspiciously. She knows I usually forbid people from sitting with me. This is my time to relax and be away from all the others. “Here ya go!” She hands us our pills and watches us take them.

“So,” I begin casually. “I heard you told Dr. Iero about the whole pill thing.” Out of the corner of my eye, I see Lindsey look at me curiously.

“Oh, Gerard, you know I couldn’t keep that a secret. Even though I’m not a doctor, I am here to help you get better.” Right now, I realize how much she wants me out of here. It’s not for selfish reasons. She wants me to be able to get out of here and be me. She wants me to live and make life worth it. I start to wonder why she focuses on me. There are all these other patients, yet she only seems to care about me living my life outside these walls. I look around the room; there are plenty of people that probably have more potential than me. The only thing I have going for me is art and I can’t make a stable living with that. I didn’t even finish high school, there are people here that graduated from fucking law school.

This causes a revelation to occur, if I don’t cooperate and help myself, then I would be letting all these people down. The orderlies, the endless amount of doctors, and even the patients will all be let down. If I just give up now, they’ll all be disappointed. Their hard work would have been for nothing. They have given me their undivided attention and I must be the one to make them proud. The attention could have been given to other patients that would have been cooperative.

“Thank you.” I whisper as she walks away.

*

Dr. Iero has been staring at me for twenty minutes now. That’s almost half the time I have to sit through these sessions. Other than the initial greeting, he has not said a word. I watch as his eyes take in my blank face. He hasn’t done anything other than sit and stare at me for those twenty minutes. The lack of words is getting to me. I’d rather answer the stupid questions than listen to this silence for the next forty minutes.

I can’t tell what he’s thinking. I don’t know if he senses my newfound cooperation. He just stares at me with a blank face that mirrors mine. I can tell my own visage is cracking. His intense stare is breaking me. But, remember, I don’t care anymore. I’ll do whatever he wants me to. I’ll even answer questions. This doctor has changed my ways in such a small amount of time that it should scare me, but it doesn’t.

In the back of my mind, I still wonder what the secret their keeping is. It could something as simple as what is for dinner tonight. Or, it could be something about the patients. I’m going for the latter because whenever they say something about his patients that twinkle in their eyes shines.

I don’t know if I should break the tension and say something, or let him continue to make me squirm. Clearing my throat, I go to say something. I haven’t decided what, but I will say something. He breaks the silence before I make up my mind.

“I got this new waistcoat last week.” He readjusts it and scoffs. I raise an eyebrow at his choice of psychological analysis starter and applaud him internally for making sure that wasn’t a question. “I never got why we always have to look so professional while you guys are stuck in the shit clothes we approve.” I’d rather him wear that fucking waistcoat than sweatpants.

“I like the waistcoat.” That’s such an understatement. It looks so goddamn gorgeous, but I would jump at the opportunity to tear it off.

“I hear the patients were sharing their opinions about me.” He gives me a look. “I trust that you would tell me if someone said something bad about me.” He grins at me and I don’t understand the meaning of it. What he said wasn’t funny. I think he was trying to cover up his genuine concern of what people think of him. He should learn not to care what these people think. Who are they gonna tell? Their hallucinations? I know I don’t tell Ray shit.

“Bob said you have the ‘sailor markings’.” I offer uncertainly and I even included the air quotes. All the other patients were indifferent to his arrival. There indifference doesn’t make sense, some of them are changing doctors too. Aren’t they?

“What the hell are sailor markings?” Dr. Iero laughs an uncontrollable, high pitched giggle. If he weren’t so goddamn attractive before, that laugh made him so much more.

“Tattoos.” I breathe out, my voice full of desire. I can’t deny the appeal of tattoos. I hope I haven’t made it too obvious.

“Oh…” Dr. Iero blushes. He hasn’t denied that he has tattoos and I can see the beginning of one on his neck.

“Do you have more tattoos than just the one on your neck?” I blurt out.

“Get yourself under control.”

“Um…” Dr. Iero’s hand moves up to his neck and cautiously fingers the tattoo. He nods his head slowly. “I do.” I feel bad for making him uncomfortable.

“Okay. Cool.” My voice is devoid of the previous desire. I want to move on to a different topic, purely for his benefit. He shakes his head and recommences our staring contest.

“May I ask what you said about me?” After that’s said, he shifts his gaze all over me. He should already know what I think of him. I thought that Dr. Hollis would have told him already. Dr. Hollis did that whole thing to find out all of our opinions, why wouldn’t she tell him at least what all of his patients think.

Even with the whole ‘opening myself up’ thing, I can’t help but be a little apprehensive to share those thoughts with him. I couldn’t tell Dr. Hollis and I have already established at least a half trust with her. The only reason I didn’t tell her my thoughts is that all those eyes on me waiting for my answer. They knew something was up; my body language most likely gave that away. I had been squirming with each new opinion they gave. Some good, but so many were weird with all these different scenarios of murder and breakouts. The breakout scenarios were fantastic, in my opinion. I would love for him to take me away from this prison, but he wouldn’t risk his glorious reputation just for an insignificant patient. I’m not worth it. I shake my head of those thoughts. I could make up something. It could be so beautiful that it would bring tears to both of our eyes, but I stick with what I actually said to her.

“I said I hope that you’ll be able to save me.” Of course, no one else in the room knew what that meant when I told Dr. Hollis. They probably thought I was as crazy as Bob, but I knew Dr. Hollis understood the importance of that sentence. I don’t know if he does. Dr. Hollis might not have told him of our hopes and wants. My thoughts were confirmed when he looked utterly astounded by my admission.

“I-I don’t understand.” He chokes out. He looks absolutely lost. “What do you mean by save you?” His questions always seem so important. The answers to those questions could hold the key to the universe. No –they hold the key to my barrier. With each question, he gets closer to the key. The key would be so much easier than hammering away the wall. It would also be easier to make sure only he has access to my mind. The key would also help me repair that hole he created. I said I would open up. He just needs to find that key and when he does, I will completely cooperate.

I sigh. “Exactly that. You will be the one to save, rescue and protect me.” I state like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Really, save is an elementary word. Why the hell doesn’t he know what savemeans?

“Save, rescue, and protect you from what?” This guy and his fucking questions.

“My mind!” I realize too late that I yelled that. I look down at my lap and sheepishly whisper an apology. He raises a hand as if to wave the words away. He looks around the room and takes a breath. I can hear him mumble ‘save you?’ a couple times.

“How am I supposed to do that?” He asks quietly.

“Make Ray go away.” I reply desperately. He moans gently and repeats his previous question. I furrow my eyebrows and slump forward, my cool and collected visage long gone. I don’t know. Dr. Hollis never told me how he was going to do it, just that he would try. I had gotten my hopes up too high that now they’re unreachable. I had made the whole decision for me to open up and show him my insides just because I thought he would be able to save me. Now he doesn’t even know what the hell I’m talking about. “I don’t know.” I admit. He stands up and starts roaming around his office. My eyes follow his movements, eyebrows still furrowed. He looks through all of the untouched bookcases, humming tunelessly.

“I never understood why they chose some of these books.” He picks up a frayed, navy blue book and quickly flips through it. The stale air that is blown in his face causes him to cough. “I know that no one ever reads them, but still.” I get up and cross the room to him. I take the book from his hands and he raises his eyes up at me. We’re so close I can feel his hurried breathing against my face. I stare into his eyes, my gaze screaming for a response to my request. He blows a sweet breath against my face. His brilliant, hazel eyes take in all of my appearance for the first time, blinking slowly as he scans. His eyes sparkle in the faint sunlight coming through the window. He shifts his gaze back to the book, refusing to look at me.

“Will you save me?” I whisper. I don’t want to break the calmness in the room. I’m afraid that if my voice is too loud Dr. Iero will just shatter.

He looks up at me with wide, innocent eyes. “Will you let me?”

Notes

I watched Donnie Darko like twenty times yesterday and I still don't understand half of it.
The date was so close to Friday the 13th and I will only have a Friday the 13th marathon on that day.