You'll Invest Yourself in Me

“Why is this my job?” Mikey asks in the politest way those words can be said.

“We both know mom and dad don’t want me out of here.” I state, watching his worried eyes flicker around the room. The smooth caramel orbs turn sharply to me.

“Are you sure you’re ready? The outside world isn’t as great as you think.” Those last words pluck something inside of me. How much worse could it be out there than it is in here? I’m surrounded by an already terrible environment. These people can’t be better than the free ones.

“Fr- Dr. Iero says I’m ready. And...” I contemplate telling him the next little piece of info. He’ll overthink it. My baby brother always thinks too much into things. As he should. “I’ll be in his care for the first few months after my release too. I’ll be okay. I promise, Mikey.” I change the truth a little. I didn’t lie, I just worded the truth in a softer way. I remember that’s called a euphemism. Ninth grade English was my favorite subject.

I’ll be fine. I’m fine now, why wouldn’t I be fine later?

“Are you allowed to be living with him? Is that usually what happens?” He asks, golden eyes surveying the strength of the glass of the window that showcases the activities room, perhaps wondering if he could throw himself through it, so he can escape this decision. He doesn’t want to be responsible for allowing me to be unrestrained in the world.

I’m protected from the world in here. The world is protected from me out there. He’s protected from me if he’s out there and I’m in here.

I can’t stay here any longer though. I’ll go insane again. I don’t understand how people think the cure to insanity is bringing the insane back to the cause... Monotony. Dreariness. Repetition.

I’ve done the exact same thing for six fucking years now. I can’t stand this schedule for crazies. I’m able to rationally think when I’m on medication. I understand that I need medication. I won’t stray again. I’ve learned my fucking lesson. I know. I don’t want to be treated like a sociopath because it seems like I don’t care about others. I do. I love Mikey. I love Frank. I would never hurt them. And I understand that I did. I would never do it again because I’ve found the thing that makes me me when I’m on those pills. He keeps me from living in my monotony that was my life in and out of this place.

“Gee?” His honey eyes watch me closely. I feel his evaluation. “You listenin’?”

“Yeah. I understand why you’re worried, but I need to get out of here, Mikey.” I beg. “I want to be able to prove to you that I can do this. I want to know who my baby brother is. I want know what it’s like to live like a normal twenty year old.”

“But you’re not normal, Gee.” Whoever said the whole sticks and stones thing was a liar and should be in this place with me. He or fucking she should hear his little brother say that they’re not normal, feel that shitty sting of someone who’s supposed to love them unconditionally judge them. “I didn’t mean it like that.” I know. “I love you, but maybe you do need to stay in here. I’m not making any decisions until I talk to Dr. Iero.”

*

Am I ready to leave? What if the world isn’t what I thought it would be?

I look at Frank’s shiny silver plaque, six inches away from the motionless doorknob. I haven’t looked at that stupid piece of metal for months. I always seem to be thinking whenever I look at the stationary silver.

They’ve been in there for a while. I’m fucking trembling with anxiety and happiness and whatever other passing emotion decides to make an appearance. I can’t stand this waiting. I’ve waited six years for this moment and I really don’t want it to be taken away in only twenty minutes.

The only hint of life in that office is the gross orange light. I told Frank time and time again that the dinginess of an orange-light-producing bulb is even worse than the florescents that blind me every fucking morning. The orange light never translates well in photos or my art. It makes everyone look fake. A barbie or whatever the hell girls play with now. He never understood; therefore, he never changed it.

The orange glow is disrupted by shadows and footsteps. I look up from the slit under the door just in time to find the doorknob slowly turning, a sign that Frank is still saying something that they probably don’t want me to hear. The door swings open finally. Mikey walks out first and just looks at me kinda expressionless, but Frank just smiles that smile that means something. All the time we’ve been what we are, I still haven’t sussed out what that fucking smile means. Sometimes, he’ll murmur something cute or stupid after he shows that smile or he’ll just make fun of me. It’s a cruel yet welcomed smile because it just makes me feel so good.

Frank places a hand in front of my face, beckoning me to stand. I smile and take his hand as nonchalantly as possible. I can’t let Mikey know about Frank and me. I pull myself up and look at both of them before asking the obvious question.

*

Y’know I just realized how much I’m going to miss these mornings, being awake before anyone else, experiencing the quiet, motionless activities room. The high windows barely reveal the morning scenery, but I still admire the sounds and slight sights. The florescent lights haven’t been turned on yet, but they will be in an hour. I’ll never witness this sensation again. I’ll never feel this environment again. This may sound regretful or reluctant, but it isn’t because this is the best nostalgia I’ve ever felt in my life.

Mikey left hours ago. As soon as he finished the paperwork and formalities to get me out of here, he gave me hug and bolted out that door. I’ll be doing the same tomorrow. I’ll be with Frank, but the first place I’ll go may be my parents house just to scare the hell out of them. I can’t wait any longer to live my own life with no set schedule other than my job. Frank said he’ll let me do what I want. He’ll let me adjust for as long as I need before I need to help out financially. I want to be someone that can help him as much as he helped me. I want to be someone he can rely on.

I’m worried I won’t be good enough. I’m worried that he’ll leave me one day. I’m worried that I won’t be able to survive the world. I’m worried my hallucinations will come back. I’m worried that it’ll happen again. I’m just worried. I’m so fucking worried.

I hear the slide of a foot behind me. “You’re really leaving?” She asks, her voice as quiet as when she first arrived here. The slide continues, masking the quiet words saying, “I knew I shouldn’t have doubted Jack’s words.”

As soon as I can feel those soft footsteps, I stand and wrap my arms around Katy for the first time. She flinches slightly, but still allows me to touch her. “I’ll miss you the most.” My words are watery and urgent. She begs me over and over to visit her all the time, everyday, every holiday, every birthday, hers March 23rd, mine April 9th. I promise and promise.

I push her away from me to hold her at arms length. “You’ll be out of here before I can even visit you.” I promise. Her hazel eyes are showing their green with the bloodshot orbs.

“I wanna be out there. I wanna leave this all behind like you. I can do it. Ryan can do it too, but no one ever cares what we can do. They don’t ask the right questions. They prove us insane over and over again, but I’m not. I’m not fucking insane.” Her rant was premeditated it was all her thoughts that have been stuck in her mind for these putrid months. She isn’t insane. I believe her. She doesn’t belong in here. I belong in here more than she does.

Her words continue to pour out of her like she was a inactive volcano waiting for its time to prove itself dangerous. I believe Katy’s dangerous, in a good way. The kinda way that she’ll make herself a good life. She’ll find her meaning. I’ve yet to find mine, but that doesn’t mean that other people can’t. I may never be able to find my meaning of life, but as long as I get to spend it with the man walking into this depressing scene, I’ll be fucking happy.

Notes

I don't know what happened but it's been half a year since I've updated and I hate myself so much for becoming one of those authors that never updates. BUT... this is the last chapter(not counting the epilogue which will be up soon)
**IF YOU WANT A HAPPY ENDING DON'T READ THE EPILOGUE**

**Please read**
I want to thank all of you because this is the first story I've ever written seriously (other than first grade narratives) and you've given me so much support and feedback. I love all of you and want you to know that I appreciate every single fucking one of you. Even the silent readers made me so fucking happy. Every single rate, subscriber, and comment was just more encouragement. I've based my life off of your support. I'm gonna go to college for illustration or creative writing. Hopefully one day this will be in your favorite bookstore. And if that happens you guys will be the first ones to know. I just really hope that you guys all love this. I also want you to know that you all have very beautiful minds. I don't want any of you to doubt that for a second. That should be your meaning of life. I'm doubting mine right now but I really hope you all find yours.

(for the last time for some of you)You all have beautiful minds.
-Alex:)

But not on my other story, Our Lady of Sorrows ;)