You'll Invest Yourself in Me

It snowed the next day.

The light reflects through the blinds of the window. My eyelids are warmed by the leaking light, yet they still refuse to open.

The slide of a hand wrapping around the door knob alerts me of another presence. Except for him, nobody visits me. The sweet scent of chocolate and cigarettes makes my nose twitch.

“So,” His velvety voice drawls, sounding like one of his breathy moans(I miss those so much). “Does this mean you’re skipping today’s session?”

“I saw you yesterday.” The sound of my stupid comment causes me to clench my eyes shut even more. It’s painful, but necessary.

Frank lets out a breathy laugh, reminding me more so of his beautiful noises. “I know you did.” My body springs up into a sitting position by itself, eyes and hands clenched.

“Not like that.” I bite my lip. Should I tell him?

“Can you open your eyes?”

“Can you tell me what’s real?”

The bed sinks from the addition his weight. The sound and sensation of his fingers brushing against my skin sends shivers down my spine. His fingertips brush up my arm. A thumb swipes across my cheekbone multiple times before leading up to smooth my eyelashes.

“I didn’t think I had to.” His lips meet mine, sweet and slow. After sucking on his lip, I bite it gently. His hands lower to my neck with a light grip. He tips my head back to gain better access. His tongue runs over mine as his thumb runs along my jaw. I let out a hummed sigh. I pull away from the kiss and bury my head into the crook of his neck.

“You were covered in blood and sweat, and your hair was matted against your forehead, and you had the most betrayed look on your face, and you.” I run out of breath and I don't know what I was going to say next. My lips are chapped from all the air that was sucked in and then pushed right back out. My body is shaking.

“It was a hallucination.” He sighs into my hair. His forehead pushes against mine. His blinking eyes interrupt the calm of my eyelashes. “It’s a shame you won’t show those gorgeous eyes to me.”

An annoyed whimper twitches out of my lips. “What if it wasn’t? What if it was some demented vision?”

“You’ve had those before. It’s only a hallucination.”

“No,” I click my tongue in annoyance. Wishing it was his hand, my hand clutches the dingy, white sheet. “What if it means something?” I push through my teeth.

“Gerard.” His voice sounds slightly cold. “It means nothing.”

“What if I hurt you? I could betray you, I could harm you, I could kill you. All because of this stupid fucking mind. I could hurt the one I love.” I don’t trust myself. Frank trusts me. Mikey trusted me. I would hate to see more mistrust placed in me.

My hands had made their way to his chest. I hadn’t realized I was crying until his thumb brushed a tear from my cheek, smearing salty liquid over my jaw.

“You said you love me.” He murmurs somberly. I lift my head into what I believe would be his line of vision. My eyelids relax slightly, still remaining completely useless. Numbness takes over my body.

“What?”

“You love me. You said it.” His voice is still calm, almost monotonous. My eyes flash open full of rage. He really doesn’t fucking get it, does he? “There they are.” His voice is soft and beckoning. I can’t get caught up in his fucking sensuality right now.

“You focus on that?! Of course I fucking love you!” Tears pouring down my face, I confess everything. “I thought you could cure me, and…”

“And what?” He’s calm intimidates me into spilling every thought.

“And we could live a happy, normal life,” I say. “but now I have to worry about it happening again.”

*

My fingers run along the walls of the hall I’m walking down, like it’s done many times before. The dents are much more prominent than the other times. My feet are heavier than the other times. My shoulders are lower than the other times, and so are my eyes.

I reach the activities room and head towards the cafeteria. I pass briefly through the line, reaching for no food. Katy watches me with puppy-dog eyes. She knows I’m a collision of confusion and concern. My eyes are puffy and red-rimmed, much like Jack’s eternal eyes, but not quite as bright. She knows I’m starving myself for no true motive. I don’t want this shit food. At least that’s what I’m forcing myself to believe.

Lucy arrives with my pills and a label-less bottle of some purple liquid. “Gerard, you should really be eatin’ somethin’.” She hands me the Dixie cup of pills and places the bottle in front of me.

“What is this?” My index finger pushes container away listlessly.

“Grape juice, Gerard,” She states tiredly. “Calm down.” It angers me that she tacked the ‘calm down’ onto that sentence, but I take the pills anyway. While I suspiciously swallow the pills without the suspicious juice, Katy is given hers.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” She says gently, reluctant to provoke me. My eyes immediately blink away from her.

“I don’t know.” My mouth is dry, and I don’t trust that suspicious juice. “You should be the one getting out of here.”

“Don’t say that, Gerard.” Katy’s eyes are wide and slightly angry. “You’ve been here for years, working really hard for this day.”

“This day?” I question, it won’t be that soon.

“Well, it won’t be too far off.” Her eyes start to tear up. I turn my head away. I can’t have a new image of a pained loved one. “I’ll miss you.” I don’t think she meant for me to hear those words, but I return them genuinely. I will miss her. Even though she doesn’t fully fit the name any more, she’s my dead-eyed girl, and I hope to god that I never see those dead eyes again.

“Your eyes,” I say. She hums questioningly. “I don’t miss those dead eyes.” She isn’t even fazed by the strange statement.

“I know. I don’t miss those either.” She laughs pitifully. I wish I could tell her that she’ll get out of here soon, but I just truly don’t know. I don’t understand how this place works.

They tell you you’re crazy, and then once you’ve started to believe it, and you’ve turned into a self-loathing mess, they free you from the place. It’s a fine establishment, if you don’t fall into the pit of despair that’s dug for you by the fine staff. You claw at the dark dirt and sharp stone, yearning to gain some height, but all the parts just fall in your face and push you deeper.

I’ve fallen deep, and Dr. Iero might not have a long enough rope to pull me out.

*

The weak, winter sun filters through the cleaner-streaked windows, supplying the room with a sweet, blue glow. The furniture is mismatched, yet fits together like an odd puzzle. The calm of the room is only broken by my slight movements or the odd chirps of waking birds. A figure idles in the doorway, clock ticking proudly above.

“You haven’t visited me in a while.” I whisper, grudgingly breaking the silence of the empty room. I miss the quiet calm of the activities room in the early mornings. I miss the way the warm sun would animate up a room without life.

”Hello, my love. I heard the great news.” The smooth lips turn into a smile, green eyes flickering with an unintelligible emotion.

“I don’t know if it’s true.”

”That is why I am here.” Her thin frame slides onto the couch next to me, dress bunching to reveal scrawny legs. Her scarred shoulder bumps against mine, somehow conveying her affection. ”I will be leaving. This is my last visit.”

Her words sound so bluntly sharp. “Why?” Tears prick at my eyes. A stabbing pain is pulsing in my throat and mind.

She wraps a scarred arm around my shoulder, placing her oddly rough fingertips on my cheek. She smooths the hair on my forehead back and murmurs onto my forehead, ”You do not need me now that Ray is gone. I am useless.”

“You’re not useless. I need you.”

She shushes my hysterics. ”You really do not. You have Dr. Iero. You have people who can truly end Ray’s reign over your precious mind. You can be free of all your delusions.”

“But I don’t want to be free of you.” She doesn’t respond other than holding me tighter in her grasp. I feel a tear fall down my face. It’s unclear whether it’s mine or hers, but I accept the cool water against my flushed skin. I fear the time when I need her, and she’s not there. A voice in the back of my head reminds me that I have Frank now, but he might not be sufficient for my crazy mind.

Her arms peel me off of her body, gently replacing me in my original position. She pushes herself off of the couch elegantly, black silk dripping around her pale legs. As the gaunt figure glides away, it emits a faint, calming glow, almost as vibrant as the eyes it possesses.

“You do not want to, but you need to.”

Notes

I AM SO SORRY! But it's finally summer, so I can update more frequently. But I fear that this story doesn't have too much longer, maybe like 4-5 chapters left.I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED TO WRITE THE ENDING OF THIS YOU CAN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!! I also have others stories I am so fucking happy that I can finally start on.

I LOVE YOU ALL FOR PUTTING UP WITH MY BULLSHIT PROCRASTINATION!

You all have beautiful minds.
-Alex:)
P.S. if I didn't reply to your last comments I'm truly sorry and I promise to answer all the new ones.