You'll Invest Yourself in Me

“Jack has been looking for you all day, fuckface.” Finn snaps and I know it’s out of annoyance because the message isn’t for her. My forgotten fascination with Jack’s mind is rediscovered. I need to find out what his mind conjured up this time. It better be a good one because I haven’t had one in a couple months.

“Where is he?” My mouth moves quickly with my eyes darting all around the room, searching for the mass of black waves and red-rimmed eyes. The room is dim with the lack of summer sun. The sky lights up too late and darkens too soon. This winter has been extra harsh and frozen. The snow burns your eyes, reflecting sunlight off its purity.

“I don’t fuckin’ know.” Finn grumbles. I sit on the couch beside her. She shuffles and folds her legs under herself. I lean my head on her shoulder, looking up at her through my eyelashes. Lindsey continues to stare mindlessly at the fuzzy television, twirling a black curl.

“Y’know it’s not my fault the message isn’t yours.” I remind her, fluttering my eyes and pushing my bottom lip out.

“That’s not why.” Her gumball green eyes search the floor for a reason. Her scar crumples with the movement of her emotions. “He said that you’re getting outta here.”

“I found you!” Jack sing-songs, hopping on wobbly heels in my direction. His celery orbs search around before he squats in front of me. I straighten up and lean forward, placing my elbows on my knees and fists under my chin. His cold, spindly fingers wrap around one of my hands. He uncurls each pale finger, then he clasps my hand in his.

“Shhhh… I know.” He snaps at his creatures. His wild eyes look between me and the invisible beings for a few moments with my hand still clamped in his. His thin lips curve into a chapped, pink butterfly wing. “I heard that you and a certain someone” He winks exaggeratedly. I notice the palm sweat between our hands. “are planning an escape.”

“Do you know how we’re doing it?” I urge. I really need just one fucking idea. He’s words usually lead to great ideas. He’s the priest. We’re his congregation, waiting for the next message from the imaginary creatures to be spouted out of those crazy lips of his.

“Haven’t you asked your brother? Isn’t he turning eighteen soon?” Fuck. He’s right. I pull Jack in by our entwined hands for a hug. It’s quite awkward because I haven’t hugged anyone other than Frank for months. I wrap my arms around his because, frankly, I’m still scared about Jack’s affectionate quality.

“Jack, fuck, you’re a genius.” I pull away to hold him by his shoulders. I give him my best thankful smile.

“Thanks,” He mumbles shyly. “It’s really the creatures though.”

“And that beautiful fucking mind of yours.” I poke his forehead, between the eyebrows.

*

There’s an incessant knock at my door. The chipped, white door seems even more intimidating than usual. I watch the force of the knock whip the precariously attached pieces to the floor. My feet bring me to the door. There’s this one piece of peeling paint, this one piece that is beckoning my fingers towards it. They indulge the whispered want of the paint.

I pinch the piece between my thumb and forefinger. I start off at a slow pace, gently tugging. The wood underneath looks discolored and engraved, intriguing me enough to start a faster pace. I bring the other hand up to help speed up the process. My hands alternate, pulling as much at a time as they can. The more I reveal, the more I want to recover the image.

Scarlet covers his hands, his face, and his chest. The chocolate tufts are matted against his forehead with sweat and tears. His eyelids are pulled wide open in shocked betrayal, his honey hazel orbs questioning and pleading. His usually plump pout is chapped and pale, dropping into a quiet, pained sigh.

I’m plunged back into reality with a final, quiet knock. The white door is fully intact with no gruesome visual of my love. My hands are lying slack by my thighs, for I’m still sitting on my bed. I inspect my quiet room as I regain my senses. Same broken bed, same crushed chair, same chipped, white door.

“Gerard?” Katy’s quiet voice is pleading. I stand on shaky legs and march unenthusiastically to the door. The golden knob burns my hand as I open the door, greeted by the sight of a new pained face. Her tear-specked lashes flash towards me.

“You’re leaving?” The voice has regressed to the quiet original, barely there. Tears roll down her already flushed face when she blinks. “You,” Blink, tears. “You didn’t say anything.” Blink, tears. “You didn’t show me anything.” Blink, tears. “What am I supposed to do now?” Blink.

Words fail me. “I don’t know.” Almost as quiet as her.

“Whaddayoumean?” Her hysterical words mold together to create her own sentiment. “You duntno?” As a sob quakes her body, a tear propels forward, rolls down her nose, drips onto her upper lip, and slides into her mouth, supplying her with a salty undertone to an already bitter taste.

“I don’t know.” My hands fly up to show my complete and utter, empty knowledge. Her tears stop almost instantly, her breathing remaining labored. She looks at me with betrayed eyes, tears rimming the lids. Her jaw slacks.

“What?” She breathes out. “Can I see your mind? Will you show me your artwork?” Her words are almost as rushed as before.

“I don’t really want to.”

“Why?!” She screeches, her eyes showing her frustrated anger. “Why can’t I be like Dr. Iero? Why can’t you show me what he sees?” Her mismatched hair falls over her hazel eyes, hiding those burning embers.

“I don’t want you to see what makes me bad.” Words, words, why can’t I use them correctly?

She straightens, turning away from me and hiding her face from view. “I already have.” She murmurs quietly. I don’t know if she’s trying to hurt me or if she actually means those words. “By the way, Christmas is tomorrow, asshole.”

*

“Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

“I don’t know. It didn’t really seem like a necessity.” Finn muses halfheartedly, examining a strand of hair between her forefinger and thumb, searching for split-ends.

“I could ask the same y’know.” Katy mumbles from her secluded chair. She won’t even talk to Ryan and he looks like a fucking kicked puppy with his droopy bottom lip and sad, wandering, brown orbs.

My lips meld together with the weight of her words. I hadn’t thought of her when Jack told me his message. I should’ve. But I didn’t. And I hate myself for it.

“What do you want for Christmas?” Ryan asks Katy with a hopeful smile, brown eyes trained on her bottom lip, which hasn’t stopped being sucked in and chewed on(not by Ryan, but of her own doing).

“Will you show me your lyrics?” Katy snaps, eyes trained on me. “Something dark and deep and straight from the heart that you would only show someone you trust and love.” Every single fucking word was like a knife stabbing me where Frank had been bleeding only hours ago.

Ryan swiftly stands up, putting his hand on either arm of her island chair. He leans close, lips to nose.

“I’m not Gerard. I don’t have this deep connection with you…” He closes his eyes for a little longer than a typical blink. “Yet. But you need to accept that some things just need to be retained to two pairs of eyes. I want to show you everything, but that doesn’t mean that everybody does.” He kisses her lightly on the corner of the mouth, teasing her lips. “There are different kinds of love. He loves you differently, but not any less, than he loves Dr. Iero.” Closer to the center of her lips. “But I do, and I need you to know that you don’t need to know.”

“Woah,” Katy mutters, blinking dumbly.

*

I lay on the cold, hard dirt. It hasn’t snowed yet. I never really liked snow. It’s deceiving and mischievous. It causes accidents and misinterpretations that lead to those accidents. There are people whose job is purely to push the “unique” devils out of the goddamn way. For an hour, it’ll be pretty and pure, but soon it will turn into black sludge. When it melts, you’re left with squishy mud and a bipolar puddle that doesn’t know if it wants to freeze or evaporate.

The stars are out tonight. My head burns from the cold of the ground. I forgot my hat. My hoody is worn out(no strings, for safety), so I can feel every bump and groove of the ground. My ashy, cold hands fist the grass, never truly pulling to break the strands.

“Gerard, why are you out here?” Ahh, is that my angel coming to take me away? “You’re gonna catch a cold.” Come lay with me, my angel. His feet crunch the frozen blades of grass. His I.D. badge knocks around on his upper thigh, clipped to a belt loop. No white coat today.

“The stars are so bright tonight.” They remind me of what I think of whenever I hear the song Tonight, Tonight. Tons of enormous, sparkling stars that shine like the sun or moon never could. My angel’s hazel orbs shift to the sky, a look of pure confusion immediately took over the previous calm.

“What?”

“The stars,” I throw a shaking hand up towards my stars, shifting it slowly until it reaches its final resting place on his knee.

“Gerard, there are no stars tonight.” My angel sounds so broken.

My immediate reaction is to refuse what he states. I shake my head repeatedly, moaning and whining that this can’t be true. I worked so hard. My angel worked so hard. Why did I have to go and screw our perfect escape up? I should’ve just kept my eyes and mouth and mind dhut. I can’t hallucinate if I can’t think or speak or see.

“Is this the first time you’ve had one of these kinds of delusions?” Frank asks hurriedly, while holding me and soothing me with soft touches and softer words.

“I don’t know.” I snap brokenly. “I don’t know. I don’t know what’s real and what’s a hallucination. I need you.” I murmur, “I need you.” His arms hold me closer and my face falls onto his warm chest, his heart beating against my cheek, his lips kissing my forehead, and his chocolate, cigarette scent filling my nose.

Just one simple word falls out of his lips and rings in my ears for the rest of the night. “Why?”

I just want to get out of this place.

Notes

You all must hate me. I AM SO SORRY I JUST GOT WRITER'S BLOCK IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS CHAPTER and then I had to haVE A LIFE WITH PEOPLE AT MY HOUSE. (there were even some boys. be proud.)
But here it is, the very loooooong awaited chapter!
I LOVE YOU ALL FOR PUTTING UP WITH MY LACK OF MOTIVATION(AND EXCESSIVE USE OF CAPS)

You all have beautiful minds.
-Alex:)