I slowly walk to the old door with chipped and cracked white paint and close it. I take a few shaky breaths. Wait, I can’t stay in my room. He’s in there and I don’t feel like dealing with him and his immature insults. I open the door and sneak out into the hallway.
I hate when people watch what I'm doing. They have judgmental, beady eyes. Sometimes, I can tell what they're thinking. Others, I can't and it freaks me out that these people could be faking insane to try and kill me.

“They’re coming fer ye. Betta watch ye back.” Bob calls. I gasp and my hand flies up to hold my chest. Holy shit, that scared me. He popped out of fucking nowhere. That guy thinks he’s a pirate and that his crew is coming to fight to get him back. I highly doubt that.

”That’s how crazy Dr. Hollis thinks you are.”

“I thought I locked you in my room” I spit, glaring at Ray. How the hell is he here, leaning against the wall? I left him in my room, on the bed. I wish it was Dr. Iero leaning against the wall with his hips jutting forward and maybe one hand on a hip while the other slowly moves a cigarette to his lips. He sucks on it and hollows out his cheeks and lets the smoke blow into my face. I don't even know if he smokes. But, I caught the faint smell of smoke on him before. He smells like cigarettes and chocolate, more so chocolate than cigarettes. Weird, but true. I haven't had delicious chocolate in years. Maybe I could just lick him.

”I can do whatever I want.” Ray replies tauntingly, breaking my perverted thoughts. "I knew you couldn’t ignore me for long."

“Can you leave?” I hiss. I know I shouldn’t be talking to him. Someone could be watching me. They might go tell Dr. Hollis and she’ll keep me in here forever. That's their plan. Kill me or lock me up forever.

”I said I can do whatever I want.” Ray replies. He doesn’t fit in here. He’s dressed like a World War II soldier, while the rest of us are in tee shirts, jeans, or sweats. He has this air of confidence that he has stolen from me. I used to be happy and healthy before his debut. I stalk away from him. I can feel him following me. ”Going back to ignoring me, huh? I can deal with that.”

I enter the cafeteria and head to the line to get my lunch. The lunch lady –who kinda looks like a man- hands me a sandwich and some fruit. I pick up a bottle of juice. I love juice, but I miss my coffee. I head towards the only empty table here. I drop my tray on the table with a loud clap. While getting a few glares from the orderlies for the disruption, I sit down. As I’m unwrapping my sandwich, an orderly comes and hands me a small Dixie cup with my pills in it.

“Here are ya pills, Gerard. I know you’ve been spittin’ them out. It’s not good for ya.” Lucy states. I take the cup and put the pills in my mouth. She scrutinizes my every move. I take a sip of my juice and swallow loudly, emphasizing the action to prove to her I actually took them. “Let me check. Open up.” I open my mouth. She searches for any sign of a pill. “Okay.” She says, satisfied with herself. Another citizen is saved!

“I actually took them. Don’t worry, Lucy.” I’m getting tired of the same thing every day. These pills don’t work! Ray is there no matter what. I don't want to think about how the pill is meant to change how my mind works. I think my mind is perfectly fine.

“I’m tired of seein' you in here. I want you out, enjoyin' your life. A twenty year old should not be stuck in here, wastin' way.” She sounds so sad. “I want you to be better and taking your pills could help you do that.”

”She’s tired of seeing the piece of shit you are.”

I sigh. I tend to do that a lot. “I’ll take my pills every day. I want to be out of here again.” I lie about the pills thing, but I do want to get out of here. Those pills are the creation of the devil. You aren't you when you take those pills.

“Alright, Gerard,” I hear a hint of doubt in her voice. “I’ll leave you to eat.” With that she waddles off to the next patient(which happens to be Bob. Maybe he's following me?). After I finish eating my sandwich, I taste one of the pieces of cantaloupe. It’s soggy and gross, kinda like the lunch lady. I stare intently at the cantaloupe hoping it would change into something more appetizing, like coffee. How can a hospital have such gross food? They are supposed to get you healthy not make you sick. I know this hospital is for mental health, but that doesn't mean they can have gross food.

“Hello, Gerard.” A sexy voice comes my way. Say my name again, Dr. Iero. “I see you’re eating alone. Don’t you have-"

I cut him off because I don’t want him to end with a question. “Not a lot of people like to sit with me.” I breathe out. Crap, that can cause questions. Umm… “They get bored of me after they realize all I do is eat and draw. I’m not a fascinating schizo.” I rush out. It’s a semi-lie, but I don’t want to sound like an asshole and tell him it’s really because I like the silence and kinda hate all these crazies.

”Calm down, Gerard. You’re gonna make a fool of yourself.” That was the nicest thing Ray has ever said to me.

“I think quite the opposite of that. I find you very fascinating.” Dr. Iero chirps and gives me a smile. I probably noticeably weaken. I find him very adorable. “So, I’ve heard from some of the orderlies that you sometimes don’t take your meds.” He puts this stern face on and if he wasn’t about to scold me, I would find that adorable too. His eyebrows furrow and little crinkles form in between them and on his nose.

Goddammit, Lucy. I thought we had an unwritten agreement that we would keep that between us.

I sigh. Told you, I do that a lot.“Sometimes, I forget to swallow.” He looks at me skeptically. Apparently, he didn't get the unintentional innuendo, but I did. I choke after I realize the full meaning of my previous statement. Let me try this again. “I-I mean that sometimes it is pointless to take them.”

”Way to mess that one up. Are you blushing huh, Gerard, huh, huh?” With each ‘huh’ Ray digs his elbow into my ribs. I flinch way from Ray, hoping Dr. Iero doesn’t notice my movements.

"You may have Dr. Hollis fooled, but I can tell your disorder is still bothering you." I can't help but squirm uncomfortably under his calculating gaze, plus Ray is still poking me. So, he did see my discomfort.

"I took my pills today." I mumble out. I hope that takes the disappointment out of his eyes. I hate knowing that I'm disappointing him already. I can't build up the courage to make eye contact anymore. "You can ask Lucy."

I hear a shuffling and the sound of the -my- file, which I hadn't noticed until now, being dragged across the table. It's like nails against a chalkboard in my ears. It's taunting me. It knows I want to know what they all think of me. The doctors and orderlies probably gather around and laugh about how crazy I am. "Our first appointment is tomorrow. Today, you will have your last with Dr. Hollis." With that he commenced his nervous,adorable stroll away from me. Why didn't he stop to talk to any other patients?

"You're the craziest, you deserve the most attention." Ray, I'm tired of you.

I decide the slimy cantaloupe won't miraculously change into coffee. I round up all the trash into one perfect ball. I leave no crumbs. I don't want them to hate me even more.

"I don't think it's possible for them to hate you more."

I head to the doorway leading to the patient rooms.

"Where do you think you're going?" Joe thunders. Hmm... I don't know. Maybe to my room? That would be why I'm heading to that wing. "Group therapy is starting in 5 minutes."

"It's time to spend some quality time with your fellow crazies! Ray squeals in a singsong voice.

*

All the patients are in a circle. I'm on the opposite side of Dr. Hollis, which faces the window. The trees have no leaves because it's winter. They look like creepy, boney hands coming out of the ground, swaying as though they could just snap if the winds ever got too harsh. The sky always has a hint of dark purple to make up for the sun's lack of strength. I watch the world outside, wishing I could be out there. Other times, I think of how I wouldn't know what to do with myself out there. I didn't finish high school. I can't get a stable job, if people ever found out about my disorder. I used to live in a small town and everyone knew me. I wouldn't know how to make it on my own. Here, you have a set schedule and you are guaranteed 3 meals a day.

"My parents visited me today." Lindsey says, although I'm barely paying attention. I always kinda liked her. She was semi-normal and we would always sit next to each other during group sessions. Now, her words send my thoughts down the road to my parents. This is always a painful trip.

"How did that make you feel?" Dr. Hollis chimes in with the signature therapist question. In my head, it was only a whisper. I was too deep in sour thoughts of my parents.

My parents haven't visited me in 3 years. They gave up on me. They said coming here is a constant reminder of the hardships they have to go through. They never elaborated on what hardships they had or still have. If I did get out, they wouldn't help me. They wouldn't provide a place for me. They wanted a perfect family and I ruined that by having a mental disorder. They probably tell people they only have one son, momentarily and fortunately forgetting me. Their perfect family reputation depended on that moment of ignorance. They had everything. My family is on the wealthy side, even though their jobs were only mediocre. They have the typical "American Dream" home with a white picket fence and a dog named Spot. They spent the summer holidays in the backyard with the rest of the family, swimming or barbeque-ing. I am the one flaw. Even before I had the disorder, I still felt like that flaw. I was never exceptionally smart or sophisticated. I only had art to offer and they can't be known to have a son as an artist, let alone one that's gay too. I still haven't told them, but when did I have the chance to? They left me before I even fully realized it.

I miss Mikey. Even though he got me in here, I still love him and tell him everything. He saved my life. Plus, he still comes to visit me every time he can. It's been at least a month since his last visit. I don't blame him though; he has school and other obligations. He doesn't care about the perfect family. He just cares about the wellbeing and happiness of his brother. He might have been given the cold shoulder for a while because he was the one who noticed my disorder becoming untamed. He was the one who just had to help me.

They thought they were free of crazy Gerard. They never saw me as schizophrenic who had everything under control. I was a time bomb. They were waiting for that moment where I would have a major meltdown. After that, they would accept that I have a disorder. Their acceptance actually meant ignoring it and throwing me in here, never to see the world outside that brick wall that lines the property.

"So, Gerard, how was your day?"

Notes

I was imagining Ray like in The Ghost of You music video but with his fro untamed.
I forgot I was going away this weekend. The hotel sucked and I didn't have WiFi!