They’re gaging my reaction. All of their eyes are on me, even Dr. Hollis’. I thought I had lost her and was done with her forever. Her eyes are the worst. I can feel her smug glare all over my face. She knows she’s right. She thinks that Dr. Iero hasn’t helped me and my hospital visit is the proof. What she doesn’t know is that he has helped me more than her five years of control over me has.

“Gee, are you there?” Mikey’s use of my nickname gives me chills of remembrance. He used to call me that all the time when we were kids. Now, he only calls me that when he’s concerned.

I clutch the phone tighter and push it against my jaw, making it move along with my movements.
“Y-yeah.” I swallow deeply, my doleful gaze searching for Frank, but only finding the calculating gazes of interns.

“I found out what happened.” Mikey states. I don’t know why the natural reaction is to be surprised.

“Do mom and dad care?” I ask hesitantly. There’s a stretched, sad silence.

“No.” is the miserable answer. I can’t find Frank and I need him. “They threw the letter from Ancora away and they ignored the calls.” He whispers. “But, I care, Gee! I want to know what happened and if you’re okay, but they won’t let me come see you.”

“Who?” My voice is just loud enough to carry through to Mikey. I can’t look at any of these people anymore. I look down at the cold, gray tiles of the office floor and count each one through blurred vision. I count the cracked ones separately.

I already know the answer to my question, but it still sends terrible pains through my body when he says it. “Our parents, Gee.” It finally settles as a sharp ache in my chest. “I’m hiding in my room just to call you.”

“Oh…”

“I’m so sorry.” Mikey says dejectedly, sending those tears that have been begging to be released from my eyes down my pale cheeks. Too many people, who don’t need to, have been apologizing to me.

“It’s not your fault, Mikes.” I say, voice watery and broken. I heave in and out, hoping to calm down. I need Frank.

”It’s your own damn fault that you’re in this place.” I wail miserably at that. I was hoping I would have more time alone in my head.

“Please, Gee, don’t cry.” Mikey warns. I lean back against the wall and squeeze my eyes shut, my hand covers my face. “Gee, they’re coming. I gotta go, but please promise you’ll be okay.” He pleads. I nod feverishly, but I can’t force it out. “Please?”

”Such a fucking baby.”

“I promise.” Too late, the line’s dead. I slide down the wall, keeping the phone clutched to my ear with both white-knuckled hands. “Mikey?” My forehead rests against my knees. The phone slips from my clammy hands, eliciting a whimper. My tears soak my sweatpants-covered knees.

“Gee?” My hands scramble to pick up the phone.

“Mikey?” I cry into the phone, but only greeted with a heart shattering silence. A tattooed hand wraps around mine. I stare at it while it loosens my grip around the phone, my fingers pried away one by one. The beautiful hands take away the wretched object and give it to another pair of hands. The fingers come back, loosely wrapping around mine.

“Gee?” The breathy voice asks again. That voice always makes me weaken. I raise my watery eyes to meet his angelic face. His hazel eyes scan my teary face. He turns back around. “Can you all leave my office now?” He asks harshly. Dr. Casablancas (Who is serenading me at this moment.) looks around indecisively. “Oh, please leave me alone!” Frank snaps, causing Dr. Casablancas to scurry out. The door closes heavily behind him, sending the room into complete silence.

“Frankie, he’s back.” I murmur, disturbing the calm. Frank clutches me to his chest and kisses my head, running his fingers through my clumped hair. My hand searches for one of his. He aides my search and clasps my hand in his, intertwining our fingers. The tingles of his hand in mine send a small smile to my face, despite the severity of our predicament.

“I’m here now. You’re fine.” He whispers against my forehead. I tighten my grip on his hand. A hand clamps on my shoulder, but it’s not welcomed there. It sends uncomfortable chills through my entire being.

”You think I’m done with you already?” I tear my gaze away from Frank’s hand that encases mine completely. My wide, moist eyes are met with the cruel face of Ray, leering and loathing. With a sneer, he shoves me back against the wall, causing my hand to be yanked from Frank’s. I cry from pain and the emptiness my lack of contact with Frank has caused. He keeps me grounded when my mind wants me to float away to a place unknown to anyone but me.

“Please…” I whimper.

”Is that what you said to Frank when you were begging for it yesterday?” Ray accuses, pressing his face closer. I curl in on myself.

“No, stop!” I yell, shaking only slightly. I’m tired of this. How come I never fight back? I just let Ray bully me into the corner until I’m a pile of broken bones.

”What are you gonna do? Are you gonna run to your little boyfriend over there?” Ray motions widely toward a confused Frank. I meet Frank’s sad hazel orbs which gives me the strength to straighten up to my full height. ”You can’t do anything. You really think you can scare me?”

“You’re in my mind. I can control you.” I reply through clenched teeth and tight lips.

”Your little hospital visit wasn’t enough to prove to you that I’m real.” Ray lifts a hand to my face and harshly grabs my jaw. ”I can destroy you.” With that statement, Ray pushes into my abdominal wound with a heavy hand and scraping fingers. I can feel the scar tissue tear and reopen the wound. Frank calls my name, but I can only concentrate on the excruciating pain in my belly. Ray releases his grip on me and I slide down the wall to my previous position. There is blood smeared over my belly and soaking through my thin shirt. The pain is unbearable, but I can’t go back to the hospital. They’ll keep me in the institution longer. They’ll get rid of Frank! I wouldn’t be where I am now if it weren’t for Frank. Now, that could be considered by doctors as a good or bad thing. For me, though, it would be terrible if they took away my only savior in this hellhole.

No matter how hard I try, the darkness is surrounding my vision and close to taking over completely. I’m a mess of painful moans and murmurs. Frank continues dreadfully calling my name, but the darkness is so calming. I just want it to take over, so it can feel the pain for me. It’s whispering my name, calling and seducing my mind closer to its growing wispy, black mass. I can feel Ray's satisfaction about my compliance to the mass.

“Gee?” I can’t tell if that’s the breathy voice of Frank or the sensual tone of the mass.

“Gee, please don’t do this again.” Frank’s voice is beckoning me to the opposite side. The spiderlike tendrils of the black mass slowly start to break and crumble away from my mind and sight. The mass still continues to weakly pull my mind to a blank.

“Baby, please don’t leave me.” I can faintly see his worried face hovering a few centimeters away from mine. His hazel orbs scan my blank, murky greens.

“Duh-Don’t…” His voice is full of sadness and desperation, triggering his stuttering. His hand grasps mine, but it only feels as if a tiny ant was crawling up my finger, fighting its way through the jungle of knuckle hair and the cracks of pores. “I-I love you.” With that, the darkness that enclosed my sight dissipates, the tiny ant morphs into the tight grasp of Frank’s artistic hand, and the pain dissolves away. Before I fully understand what he said, my hand drops from his and I check for the blood on my belly, rewarded with none. The bandage is intact and untouched, only brandishing a slight rust color.

I look at Frank with wide, tearful eyes. “What?” I whisper, smiling slightly. On the inside, I’m a complete mess. What am I supposed to do with someone that loves me, when I don’t fully love myself?

*

My breath comes out of my pale, chapped lips like the wispy tendrils of the ominous darkness, curling and spiraling into the cold, evening sky. No matter how many times I run my tongue over the cracked, dry surface of my lips, they remain the same and will only end up getting irritated later. My face is pale and accented with flushed cheeks, teary eyes, and a running, Rudolph nose, all from the cold. My hands are crammed in the pocket of an oversized, tattered sweatshirt, the hood being pulled to cover my ears and the back of my neck. The strings have been removed for safety.

I couldn’t push those words off my dry tongue and out of my chapped lips, and I hate myself even more for that. I so badly wanted to, but my mouth clamped shut and my legs started moving. I ran and didn’t look back, hoping I wouldn’t see those disastrously sad, hazel orbs. However, it was too late because as soon as he repeated those words, he saw the decision to my “fight or flight” dilemma and my answer broke his heart.

When I was a little kid, I would stare at the birds in the sky and wonder why they could fly and I couldn’t. I would watch as they pumped their wings for maybe ten seconds, and then just smoothly soar for twenty. I thought it would be so extraordinary if I could fly. Whenever someone asked what my superpower would be, my impetuous response was flight. I wanted those twenty seconds of freedom and weightlessness. But, now, I know those twenty seconds aren’t really as great as I thought they would be. They’re so full of doubt and regret that you feel like a weight, sinking down to the bottom of a deep, dark pit.

This is the first time I’ve seen the stars without the barrier of a window in three months. I missed the constellations that my father used to show me when I was I kid. He would point to each one and help me trace it, closing one eye and squinting with the other, over dramatizing his concentration. I would squeal and giggle -that adorable, childish giggle- whenever he told me I got it right. These stars and constellations are trying to brighten the pit I have dug for myself.

It’s almost Christmas. I used to love this time of year. I should be happy, but I can’t. I have no family and no friends. These people in the institution are forced to interact with me. If we hadn’t met in here, I would have never talked to any of these people. Even if I got out and saw them strolling down the same street as me, whistling their new favorite song, I would never stop to ask how or what they’re doing.

I just wouldn’t, simple as that.

Notes

It's kinda all over the place. I updated during the week. *gasp* I didn't do my homework. BUT! I used vocabulary words, so it's okay. People in my english class are fucking stupid. How is diligence a vocab word? Are we really on that level of easiness? Fuck you people. Maybe if you picked a goddamn book you wouldn't be so stupid.
I'm mean(and I don't regret it), but I still love all of you!(winkwink)
Did you know I can't actually wink?

Be happy.
-Alex:)
P.S. I don't actually like PTV that much, I just really like that song.
P.P.S. Yeah, I looked that picture up just for you.
P.P.P.S. It's not over. There is still more to come! (That might be a pun)